by Kiki Leach
“Well, I can guarantee you that I’ve been fine for all of these years without you. Besides, I’m sure Sheila appreciates it, but I don’t and never really did.”
“You always were Miss Independent.” He gulped more of his drink.
“In some ways, yeah… but I’m realizing more and more, that I’m not so much in others. At least I wouldn’t like to be.”
She muttered the last part, becoming thoughtful and staring behind him out the window. She had so many memories running through her mind. She had so many questions she wanted answered, many of them starting with Why and How and Are. But she knew she wouldn’t get the replies she wanted, at least not then, and not there when they were waiting for his fiancée to show her face at any moment.
He leaned in a little, really looking at her face, her eyes, her nose and lips. There was a slight sparkle to his hazel eyes as he recalled a vivid memory of them getting stuck out in the rain. It was after football practice, senior year. She had just finished rehearsing a few routines with her cheerleading squad and was waiting on him to drive her home. He had left his keys somewhere in the locker room, and by the time he returned to the field, it was pouring. He found her standing beneath the bleachers, shivering and pissed off because her hair had gotten wet. He remembered laughing while she hit him in the chest, screaming that if he didn’t get her home soon, she’d have to spend all night blow drying it straight again. All he could think in that moment was how beautiful she looked, and how much he wanted to kiss her, and he did, and she finally stopped screaming and embraced him. It felt like hours on that day, but it was only a few minutes. When he let her go, she was smiling so hard it made her face hurt. She had forgotten about her hair and how angry she was. She was just happy to be with him. It was that moment he realized how much he was in love with her, and how much he knew that telling her the truth about Sheila would hurt them both, to the point that they would never recover. And he was right.
Vanessa sat back and made a face. “Why do you keep staring at me like that?” she asked him.
He shook his head. “Just remembering. Thinking about some times we shared back then. I really miss those days. Lately, I think about them more than I ever had before.” He waited a moment, looking away from her and then turning back. “I missed you, Vanessa. I never knew how much until this very moment, but I did, and I do. I miss our friendship and what we shared back then.” He tilted his head and squint. “Do you ever think about that? You ever think about me from back then? About us?”
“I try not to.”
“Why?”
“Because I just get angry. I try not to think about those days because it just reminds me of what I don’t have.”
“Me,” he said confidently.
“No. Just…” She sighed. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Did you miss me, V? At all?”
Before she could respond, Sheila walked through the doors, spotting both of them.
Vanessa saw her before Nathan did because he was still too busy gazing her. It was almost as if she had walked through the doors in slow motion. Her long black hair, bone straight thanks to a fresh relaxer, flowed directly behind her as she fluently moved through the crowd with such ease. Her pink and white Chanel jacket with matching skirt was enough to envy even the richest woman in New York. The closer she moved toward them, the more Vanessa noticed how absolutely flawless her ebony skin still was. She was jealous. It had taken what felt like years for Vanessa’s blemishes, no matter how small many often were, to disappear. Meanwhile Sheila seemed to have perfect skin coming out of the womb.
“Sorry I’m late.” She tossed her hair behind her and kissed a now observant Nathan on the cheek. Neither he nor Vanessa looked too thrilled to see her.
“Late?” Vanessa asked, glaring at the dials on her Dior watch. “It’s 2pm. You were supposed to be here over an hour ago.”
“Hello to you too, V, long time no see.”
She reached her arm out and attempted to kiss her cheek, but Vanessa jerked back as if she had just been shocked by an electrical outlet before Sheila could come near her. They scowled at one another for a little while before Vanessa finally turned away. Whatever she was feeling before Sheila walked in was definitely long gone by the time she had actually shown up.
“I meant to be here sooner,” Sheila said, pulling up a seat beside Nathan. “But I lost track of time. The last minute details for the reunion are taking up more of my time than I had expected.”
“I thought Joan would’ve taken care of most of the obligations by now. It’s only a few weeks away, how much more could possibly be needed at this point?”
“You’d be surprised,” she told her. She turned to Nathan and smiled. “So, what did I miss?”
Nathan’s hand rested on the table. Sheila took it in hers and squeezed tight. Nathan rubbed her fingers, and then frowned. He turned to Vanessa who looked at them both with the urge to vomit.
“You know I, um…” She rested her hand on her face and slid back in her chair. “I actually have a meeting that I need to make it back for in about thirty minutes. Maybe we can do this some other time, Sheila.”
“But I was hoping we’d get to talk and catch up.”
That was the last thing Vanessa wanted, unless Sheila was volunteering herself as a baseball with Nathan as the pitchers’ glove. It was the only form of “catch” in which she was willing to participate.
She averted her eyes and swallowed to keep anything from coming up that wasn’t supposed to. “Yeah, I need to go.” She stood up and pushed her chair underneath the table.
“Sheila’s right, we uh…” Nathan jumped up to match her while Sheila remained in her seat, watching them in downright disgust as they verbally danced around each other. “We haven’t really gotten to discuss anything of importance.”
“I think we’ve discussed enough for the time being. Besides, I told Alexis I’d be gone for two hours max, and it’s turned into almost three. She’ll have my head if I’m not back for this meeting soon and next thing you know, Felicia will be running the damn magazine in my place. It was nice, um…” She swallowed her pride and her anger. “Congratulations on the upcoming wedding.”
“Then you received your invitation?” asked Sheila.
“Yeah, I did… And I tossed it into the trash.” She laughed loudly, almost in hysterics and then stopped herself. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to say that part out loud.”
“It’s okay,” replied Nathan.
“No, it’s not actually,” Sheila interjected. “Those invitations cost my parent’s a pretty penny.”
“Well, maybe you should’ve thought about that before inviting me in the first place.”
“I didn’t want to invite you,” she snapped, “that was Nathan’s idea.”
Vanessa opened her eyes wide in shock and looked at him. He was staring down at Sheila and grinding his teeth. “Wow, okay. Well, okay then, I hope you two have a blissful marriage that lasts years and years and into the next decade and beyond. Excuse me. Ya spiteful bitch,” she mumbled.
As she headed for the door, Nathan continued staring at Sheila, who feigned being unbothered as she searched for a nail file in her purse.
“What the hell was that?” he asked.
“I couldn’t very well tell her I wanted her there. She’d think I only invited her to be a bitch, and I wasn’t. I thought if I told her it was your idea, she’d take it better. Guess I was wrong.”
“I guess so.” He headed toward the door.
“Where are you going?” she hollered.
“I’ll be back.”
“She’s long gone by now! Natha--”
He hurried out of the restaurant to meet up with Vanessa outside. He looked either way and saw her from his right. “Vanessa!” he called out.
She heard and immediately shut her eyes.
“Vanessa!” he hollered again.
She opened her eyes and kept walking. The thought of seeing him s
o soon after she had just left him, when she was on the verge of both tears and vomit after seeing him beside Sheila believing he was the one who wanted to humiliate her instead, wasn’t a good idea. She walked as fast as she could, hoping like hell that he wouldn’t and couldn’t catch up to her pace. Even in heels, she was a master track star. He tried going after her for a few more feet, still calling her name, but gave up when he realized she would never turn around, because she was purposely ignoring him or legitimately couldn’t hear her name being shouted.
When he returned to the restaurant, he saw Sheila with her cell. She was laughing with someone, and smiling in a way he hadn’t seen her smile in months. He figured just from seeing those few seconds of bliss on her face and sudden glow radiating from her skin that she may have been sleeping with whoever was on the other side of that phone, maybe the guy who worked at the homeless shelter where she had volunteered a few months back. The sad part about it was that even if it were true, he didn’t care. It wasn’t like they had had sex in the last few months. He knew she had an appetite for it and had to be getting it from someplace if it wasn’t from him.
But she was the one who had insisted on waiting until they were married to have sex again. He always wondered if there was something more to it than that because she had only decided the ‘no sex’ rule just a few months after they were engaged, not when she first received the ring. He always thought to question her about it, but never wanted to make more of it than what it was, if it was in fact nothing.
He had grown to love Sheila overtime, but it wasn’t easy. She wasn’t the love of his life; he wasn’t sure if anyone was anymore. But if given a choice, which he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have chosen to marry her. Their relationship felt more like an obligation. He couldn’t stand the idea of being alone, but didn’t want to waste time trying with anyone else. The ‘getting to know you’ process wasn’t much of a strong suit for him. And he couldn’t very well come back and ask for Vanessa’s hand in marriage instead, not after what he had done to her. And his parents were so determined for him to marry a woman of color and high status before the age of twenty-five, just as his father had; they preferred a woman who would make a good wife and mother, at least in the eye of the public if not behind closed doors. If she was beautiful, smart, and came from a wealthy family, she was a perfect fit for their pedigree.
Sheila was viewed as all of those things and more, not to mention Nathan was the only man she had ever managed to love with her entire heart. He may have been Vanessa’s first kiss, first love and sexual experience, but Sheila was determined that he was going to be her last everything. She never thought of herself as stealing Nathan from Vanessa, so much as she was satisfying a need for him, and for herself, that neither could no longer ignore or deny. The first time they had sex was unexpected.
She was visiting with his grandmother in the hospital where she worked as a candy striper in hopes of earning a scholarship to USC. The women spoke every day, more than she had with Vanessa at the time, and grew close in interaction, playing dominoes, watching daytime dramas on the fuzzy television set, resulting in deep discussions of various storylines and characters.
She passed away without warning on a Friday afternoon in November, just one day after Thanksgiving and three months after their first conversation. The doctors informed Nathan’s family that she had slipped into a coma and was never waking up. Both Nathan and Sheila were devastated. When she had come by to visit him at home just hours after the funeral, no one else was around. They talked of his grandmother and of their own friendship, and of his relationship with Vanessa, who hadn’t been able to make it back to the funeral due to her being in the Bahama’s with her family.
Sheila knew she shouldn’t, but she kissed him anyway. Not because she wanted to, but because she felt like she had no other choice. She found him sexually attractive, and it didn’t make sense to her that out of all the guys in the school, he could so easily deny her. She needed to know that he wanted her just as much as she had always wanted him. Her friendship with Vanessa was important, but not as important as her already inflated ego, which needed much stroking in more ways than one. They used grief as an excuse the first time. Any time after that was more or less for their own sexual desires for one another.
But it was never supposed to go further than that. It was never supposed to be more than sex for either one of them. Maybe once or twice a week, three or more if either one of them had a shitty day. But Sheila fell hard for what he represented, a good life, the chance to leave New York behind. She fell for who he was, but also for his potential, and what he could be and what they could make of themselves in the future. Money, power, respect is all Sheila ever wanted in life, and she was determined to have that with Nathan. He on the other hand was still in love with and determined to be with Vanessa. If he was going to marry anyone, it was going to be her. But when she found him having sex with Sheila, he knew that he had lost her forever and was never getting anyone like her again.
He was settling for Sheila, and had been for all of these years. He knew it and a part of her knew it too, but she didn’t care. As long as she had him, it meant that Vanessa didn’t.
When she saw Nathan returning to the table, she said her quick goodbyes and immediately tossed her phone back into her purse. He sat back down beside her and reached for his glass, taking large gulps of water.
“Thirsty?” asked Sheila.
He lowered his glass and stared at her. “What?”
“I asked if you were thirsty. You seem a little parched, drinking like that, and then running after Vanessa as if your entire ass was on fire. I don’t think I’ve seen your run like that since high school.”
“I didn’t run after her,” he said. “I was trying to catch up with her, but I didn’t run.”
“Why were you so desperate to keep her here? It was obvious that she was trying like hell to leave as fast as she could. Once I showed up, there were no more good times to be had.”
“I think that’s all in your imagination,” he told her.
“I don’t think so. You two looked like you were having a pretty good time before I arrived. Has she forgiven you for what we’ve done?”
“She didn’t say it.”
“But she was probably thinking it. And then I showed up and she thought, nah, never mind.”
“Why are you obsessing about this?” he asked, frustrated. “It’s unnecessary.”
“I’m not obsessing. I just think it’s been made perfectly clear that she forgives you, even if she doesn’t say it. And she’s never going to forgive me, and she doesn’t have to say that.”
“If you didn’t think she’d ever forgive you, Sheil’s, why invite her to the wedding?”
“Because I wanted her to be there. We always said no matter what ever happened between us, whenever one of us got married, the other would show up.”
“You couldn’t expect her to show up to this,” he said.
“Why, because she’s still in love with you? Or because you’re still in love with her? Are you afraid if she shows up, that you might have second thoughts about me and our future together?”
“Why would I have second thoughts about that?” He started digging in his pocket for change. His question seemed rhetorical but also fairly distant. “I chose you, I proposed to you, remember?” He shook his head and counted a few dollars to place on the table beneath his glass. “You’re letting your paranoia get the best of you.”
“How can I be paranoid when it’s directly in front of my face, Nathan?”
He placed a hand on the table and looked into her eyes. She was panicky, nervous, and desperate. He wanted to ease her fears and reassure her that she had nothing to worry about where Vanessa was concerned. But he knew deep down that it wasn’t true. In fact, it was so far from the truth, he wasn’t even sure he could continue fooling himself.
He looked down at his Rolex. “I have to meet a friend in about an hour.”
“Who is it?”
“Just one of the guys I played basketball with. He knows I’m in town and wanted to catch up before the reunion. Are you going to be okay? Did you want me to ride back with you to the hotel?”
“No, I’ll be fine. Actually, I don’t plan on staying long. I’m going to run a few more errands for the reunion, talk with Joan about some last minute decorations, things like that.”
“Alright, well I’ll see you tonight. I don’t know how late I’ll be.”
He leaned over to kiss her cheek. She tried to turn her mouth toward his, hoping that it would ease the anxiety growing within, but he pulled back before their lips could touch. He hadn’t even noticed it, but she had. The sting of rejection ran deep. As he waved goodbye, she sat back wondering if karma had finally made its way to her front door.
Part Ten
Vanessa kept a trashcan next to her desk in case she happened to get sick from the thought of Nathan and Sheila together and in front of her once again. She kept having flashes of catching them in the shower, and nearly regurgitated on top of her desk. She sat up in her chair with her elbows on the edge and her face in her hands. She closed her eyes and counted to ten until the nausea passed. She thought about searching for the bottle of vodka in her mother’s office, but couldn’t bring herself to even move. She felt if she had, something would come up before she even stepped one foot on the outside.
After a few minutes had passed, she heard someone knocking on her door. She still felt like vomiting and wanted to crawl underneath her table and die, fearing it was either Nathan or Sheila again.
“What is it this time?” She dropped her hands from her face and frowned a little, surprised to see Oscar standing in her doorway. Of all people, she thought. She looked around for Samantha in a slight panic before dropping back in her chair and crossing her legs. “What the hell are you doing here? The Bean is nowhere near here and certainly not inside this office building.”
“I might have to change that soon enough. There’s a vacant area downstairs that’s looking better and better to me each time I pass this place,” he said. “May, I?” He pointed toward the door. Before Vanessa could speak another word, he closed it behind him and walked inside. He scratched his head and grinned, glancing from side to side at her employees as they pounded on their keyboards like overly eager worker bees.