Miss Independent

by Kiki Leach

  Vanessa had returned home a lot later than anticipated. After talking with Nathan, she needed to stop some place for a drink. She wanted to erase the memories of everything he had said, as well as everything him. She bounced around from one hotel bar to another, only stopping when she realized she had to remember how to get home on her own. She tiptoed into the house, trying to be as quiet as a mouse, but made noise after noise as she trailed into the laundry and tossed her sweatshirt into the wash, and removed the bun from atop her head while simultaneously trying to make her way upstairs. She passed Nikki’s room and saw the light off underneath the door, which meant she was either sleeping, or not there. She stopped and gulped before passing Maurice’s door, as it was wide open; the light was still on, as was a lamp that she could see shining across the wall. It was the one on his nightstand, which meant he was reading. She thought about walking past without saying a word, but she couldn’t do that. She had to say something to him. At the moment, she felt he was the only legitimate person she could trust with not only her body, but her heart as well.

  She slid up to his door and curved her neck, peeking into his room. His back was against his headboard. His shirt was in a hamper across the room. She knocked a little to gain his attention. He looked up and smiled.

  “What are you doing?” she asked. He raised up the book he was reading, showing her the title. “War and Peace? Really?”

  “Research for an ad I’m working on next week.”

  “Sure, okay.” She laughed to herself and looked down the hall.

  “Where have you been?”

  “The Equinox. Sheila stopped by here earlier and pissed me off, so I had to go off and kick something that couldn’t kick me back.” She nervously tucked her hair behind her ear. “How was your date with Destiny or whatever?”

  He shrugged. “Wasn’t what I expected.”

  “Is that a good or bad thing?” she asked. He didn’t answer. “Well, at least you didn’t bring her here. I hardly want you and Nikki seeing me like this, the last thing I need is a complete stranger seeing it.”

  He leaned forward to get a better look at her face. “Have you been drinking?”

  She closed one eye and leaned her head. She squeezed her thumb and forefinger together and pinched her lips. “A little bit.”

  “Why?”

  “Nathan. First Sheila, then that prick. It was like a two for one punch in the gut deal day or some shit. He caught up to me after I left the gym--”

  “Was he following you?”

  “No. No… I don’t think so. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. The point is, he said things that I wish I could’ve decked him for.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “Because it wasn’t worth it.”

  “Drinking was worth it instead?”

  “Yeah,” she replied. “It was a hell of a lot easier than pummeling him in the street and it made me feel a hell of a lot better.”

  “For how long?”

  “Not long enough.” She sighed. “I just couldn’t deal with how I was feeling after I saw him, so I went into a few hotel bars and drank as much as I could before I would’ve been determined legally drunk. I made my way home in one piece, so I can’t be too bad off.”

  “You should’ve called me,” he said. “I would’ve come for you no matter where you were.”

  “I thought you were still pissed at me. And, I didn’t know if you were home.”

  “Doesn’t matter where I was or how angry, I would’ve come for you. You know that.” He became more thoughtful as he stared at her. “Did you…” He stopped to clear his throat. “Do you still have feelings for him, Vanessa?”

  He didn’t want to ask, but he felt that he needed to know if only for the sake of saving his sanity.

  “I told him I didn’t, but… I wouldn’t still be so angry otherwise, right? I think if I had really moved past all of this, I wouldn’t still feel so much hatred for the both of them. You know that game, marry-fuck-kill? I played that in my head all the way home.”

  He lifted his arm and waved his fingers, welcoming her into his arms and bed.

  “No, you know, um…” She dithered, looking to the floor. She turned back to his eyes as he continued gazing at her. She felt he was the only one who could see right inside of her, and never judge her for any decision she ever made. If she lost that, she wouldn’t know what she would ever do. “You don’t have to. I think I’m just going to take a nice long shower and sleep this off.”

  “Or you could come spend time with me and not feel so alone.”

  “No, I’m… I’m sweaty and I probably smell like a gym sock.”

  “I don’t care, V.” He sat his book to the side and lifted his arm again. “Come on.”

  She smiled at his insistence, knowing that he wouldn’t let her leave his room so unhappy no matter what, and took time removing her shoes before climbing in next to him. Being with Maurice felt like home to her, it felt comfortable and she felt protected. She embraced her feelings of security with him and wrapped her legs around his.

  “I wish I didn’t feel this way anymore,” she said, nuzzling her face into his skin. “I wish I could just go back and do things differently so that I wouldn’t ever have to feel this way now.”

  “It’s an unfortunate experience you’ll have to deal with. But it’s made you who you are today.”

  “Yeah. A weak woman still crying over a man who doesn’t want me.”

  “Not true, you’re far from weak. I think you’re the strongest woman I know, the strongest person.” He stroked her back and leaned down. “Tears don’t make you weak. They show you that you’re able to move past the anger and the pain and start all over again. Tears show your strength. Even if those tears are for Nathan, which in this case would mean you’re washing away the mistake.”

  She wiped her eyes and sniffed. She turned toward the ceiling and covered her face. “Am I ever going to move past this?” she asked. “Am I ever going to not feel this way? Not want to be with him?”

  “I don’t know. I wish I could tell you so that you wouldn’t feel so much pain, knowing there would be an end date to it sometime soon. But I don’t know. For your sake, I hope you do someday.”

  “Yeah, me too. You got over me pretty fast, right? I guess it happens.”

  He faintly laughed to himself. “I’ll never move on from you, Vanessa.”

  She turned to look at him, a bit baffled.

  “I thought that I could just go out and be with somebody else, but I can’t because what I’ve always wanted is you. You want the white picket fence, V, I can give that to you. I’d hand carve the wood myself and place it around the lawn if you asked. You want the house in Connecticut, I can give that to you too, and build it just the way you wanted, even if it took me the rest of my life. The dream of a family and a life that’s more than work, I can make that happen for you. I can make it all come true but you’d have to be willing to let me.”

  Her stomach filled with knots. She was mystified but also somewhat enthralled. “You’ve never said anything like this to me before.”

  “You’ve never given me a chance to,” he said. “You have always been the one for me, Vanessa Brown. No matter how hard you try to push me away, I’m gonna keep coming back until you say yes. Our friendship is important to me just as much as it is to you, it always has been. It’s why I chose you over Nathan and I’ve never regretted that decision. But I’ll never stop wanting more from you. And I’ll never stop fighting for what I know is best for you, and for what you deserve.”

  The words hit her like a pile of bricks crashing down atop her head. She sat up, looking at him as he did the same. He was curious of what she was thinking and feeling, covetous of what he wanted, for her to embrace him, accept him as her truth and seal it with lovemaking that lasted the entire night and into the next morning. Even slightly inebriated, she was still the most beautiful woman he had ever known. Something about her eyes, and that coke bottle color as they glazed over
in a bit of drunken delight. He ran a thumb over her mouth and she looked down at what he presented to her.

  My God, he truly was beautiful. Not just on the outside, but his heart. She never knew he had so much to give, and that he was willing to give it all to her. All she needed was to say the very words he wanted to hear, but she didn’t think she could ever bring herself to do it.

  As he watched her staring at him, he got a feeling in his chest, something that felt like a toothache behind his ribs, and leaned away. Her smile deepened, and he realized this isn’t how he really wanted it; this isn’t how he wanted her, intoxicated and still wishing for someone else after all these years as she made scratches across his back and whispered his name in vain.

  Instead he opened his arm up to her again, welcoming her back as his friend. She would’ve given anything to feel wanted in that moment, by Maurice, by anyone. But she knew that more than his body, more than her need to feel good by him, she needed his friendship. Especially that night.

  “Come with me to the reunion,” he said. “Screw Nathan, screw Sheila. Let’s just go and have a good time together.”

  She looked up at him and nodded. “What about Nikki?”

  “We can sneak her in if she wants to come, just like high school.”

  She laughed and hugged him tighter.

  He held her as she wept, and as she slept, and into the next morning. He never removed his arms from around her, each time pulling her closer and closer to his heart.

  Part Fifteen

  “Maurice!” Vanessa hollered from downstairs. She and Nikki were waiting on him to join them so that they could be on their way to the reunion. “You’re the one who wanted to go to this thing, and now you’re taking longer than both of us combined!”

  “Hey, V?” Nikki came over and waved her hand at the back of her dress. “Can you get this zipper? I think it’s stuck in the middle, or my arms are too short.”

  Vanessa grabbed either side of Nikki’s peach Ralph Lauren dress and yanked on the zipper a little. She tugged and tugged until it was finally loose from pieces of thread that had been caught inside the teeth, and zipped it to the edge of her neck.

  “What the hell is taking him so long?” Vanessa mumbled.

  “He’s probably trying to look and smell good for all of our female classmates. Who do you think he’ll try to bring home tonight?” She turned aside and smirked.

  Vanessa got a sick feeling in her stomach and backed away. She laughed to hide her annoyance and rested her hands on her waist. “I don’t know, just as long as he doesn’t bring her back here.”

  She spun around and grinned wide. “You know he’s going to bring SOMEBODY home. That’s what he does.”

  “I don’t care, Nik, just as long as I don’t have to see who she is in the morning and pretend to be cordial, okay?” She moved around her and shuffled up a few steps.

  Nikki twisted her face in confusion and backed off. “Okay--”

  “MAURICE!” Vanessa called again, her voice rattling with a touch of anger this time. She looked down at her watch. “This is ridiculous.”

  She made her way to his bedroom and knocked on his door.

  “Yeah?” he answered.

  “What the fuck are you doing in there?”

  “I’m changing clothes,” he shot back. “I went to the gym, took a shower, and now I’m getting dressed.”

  “How the hell long does it take you? Nikki and I have been waiting down here for the last fifteen minutes.”

  He came over to the door and pulled back, looking down at her. She noticed he was only wearing his underwear and became nervous. It was different from the last few times she had seen him completely or nearly naked, more intimate. She ran her fingers through her hair on the side of her head and exhaled. He looked down at himself and smugly grinned.

  “You wanna help me get dressed?”

  “No, I want you to hurry the fuck up.”

  “Help me pick out a shirt,” he said. He opened the door wide and she got an eyeful of the bulge in his fitted black Polo underwear. He turned around and she saw that his ass was so solid, she could’ve bounced a quarter off of it. These are things she had tried not to notice in the past. But after everything he had told her recently, it was becoming more and more difficult to only see him as her good-looking friend, and not question something more.

  He picked up two shirts from his bed by their hangers, holding them up for her to see. “It’s either the blue, or the red.”

  She pointed. “The red makes you look like a pimp.”

  “I’m arriving with you and Nikki,” he replied. “What’s the problem?”

  She smiled, though she tried hiding it behind feigned infuriation. “I could kick you in the balls for that.”

  “No you wouldn’t, you couldn’t.” He moved closer to her and continued grinning.

  Her smile widened and she looked away. “Don’t look at me like that,” she said.

  “Like what?” His tone was playful, flirtatious. He nodded. “Which one?”

  “The blue… You always seem to look good in blue.”

  “Then blue it is. With black slacks.”

  “And Oxfords.”

  “Look at us.” He reached for his pants on the bed and began sliding them on each leg. “Already acting like a couple.”

  “Yeah, a couple of friends. Hurry up before we’re late.”

  She exited the room and closed the door. She didn’t know what she was feeling in that moment with him, but she knew it was more than what she wished she had felt.

  Sheila was in the ballroom of The Palace, guzzling down her third or fourth glass of champagne, and nervous as a wreck as the committee finished placing last minute decorations around the room. Everything was blue and gold, their high school colors, from the desserts, to the balloons and streamers, to the lights that flashed across the stage at front. The budget for the event was pretty tight, mostly due to the fact that Joan had to lower the event fees in order to actually get people to show up. Sheila was glad, if only because more focus would be put into everything but her own lack of efforts. She looked down at her phone in her hand, noticing the time, and guzzled her next glass of champagne. It would be the first time in five years that she was seeing everyone again. Most people had written her off after they learned what she had done with Nathan, although others didn’t care one way or another as it hadn’t happened to them. Nathan came down from their room, dressed more for a funeral than a party, and looked around at the amenities, nodding as people frantically zipped around him.

  “Not bad, Miss Harris,” he said. “Not too bad at all.”

  “We’ll see,” she replied without looking back at him. “The live music still isn’t here yet.”

  “What was her name again?”

  “It’s in my purse somewhere at the bottom. All I remember is that she’s some artist from the 90s that Joan got for half the price since she hadn’t performed at live venues in years.” She drank the remainder of her champagne, then sat her glass on the nearest table next to her clutch, and reached inside it for a mirror. She tussled with a few strands of her hair and drew her middle finger around the edges of her lips to remove any smudged lipstick that was left from the champagne glass. “Did I tell you that Vanessa finally caved?” she asked.

  He narrowed his brows. “No. She called you?”

  “This morning. She waited until the very last minute, but I’d expect nothing less. She’s coming as Maurice’s plus one. They’re bringing Nikki too and I said it was alright as long as she didn’t eat any of the food.”

  “She won’t be able to keep that promise.” He waited a second and looked around the room again. He shrugged. “Why is V coming as Mo’s plus one?”

  “She didn’t have a ticket and everyone invited who RSVP’d was allowed a guest. She’s coming as his.” She looked at him over her mirror. “Why? Are you jealous?”

  “Of Maurice and Vanessa? She didn’t give him the time of day in high school, she�
�s not going to now.”

  “And if she did, that would really be none of your business, right?” she asked. He remained silent. She slammed her mirror closed and shoved it back into her bag. “I need something stronger than champagne. I don’t expect that Vanessa and I will have much to say to each other--”

  “She called you, didn’t she?”

  “She called me because she didn’t have any other choice. If she wanted Nikki to be allowed inside without a ticket, she had to. We were curt on the phone, or at least she was curt. No apologies were exchanged, but I tried to be friendly.”

  “Your idea of being friendly is pricking people with tiny thorns.”

  “And yours isn’t? We may not be two shared peas in a pod, but you’re not the nicest person in the world either, Nathan.”

  “I never pretended I was. But I’m also not the one trying to get back into Vanessa’s good graces.”

  “You don’t have to, you’re already there.” She walked away from him and he exhaled sharply.

  By 7:30pm, Maurice, Nikki, and Vanessa were out the door and on their way to the hotel in style. Maurice had rented a limo and a few bottles of champagne for the occasion. Vanessa was determined to drink until she couldn’t remember her own last name, but neither Maurice nor Nikki felt this was a night that she should be so willing to forget anytime soon. As he filled their glasses to the rim, spilling a little as the car rammed over a few potholes, Vanessa wanted to make a toast.

  She raised her glass high and looked at the both of them. “To true friendships. May the backstabbing be left to the two backstabbers I plan to avoid all night.”

  “Here, here.” Nikki clinked her glass against Vanessa’s, who drank hers back quickly.

  “I’ll drink to that,” said Maurice. He looked at Vanessa from the corner of his eye and beamed while rapidly downing his champagne.

  As Nikki turned toward the window to get a better view of the city as they passed through Midtown, Maurice sat his glass down in the holder and lifted his arm around Vanessa’s head, placing it around her neck. She laughed, suddenly lightheaded from the alcohol due to her lack of food from earlier in the day.