“You’ve chosen a difficult task, Lexi.” Dad kept my hands in his and the warmth made me feel so safe, as if he truly understood everything I was facing and wouldn’t make me face it alone.
“I know.”
“Just answer one thing. Do you love him that much?”
I looked my dad straight in the eye. Knowing what was written on my heart and embedded deep within my soul, I wasn’t afraid to admit the truth. “I do, Dad. I love every part of him.”
“Then I’ll be here to support you.” He pulled out his handkerchief and handed it to me. “I swear, you nor your mom ever have a tissue when you need one.”
“Thank you, Dad.” I blotted my face and wiped my nose.
“So, will you introduce me to him?”
“I guess.” I started to pull my phone out of my wristlet when my dad stopped me.
“How about we just cross the street?” He cast an all-knowing look.
“What?” I glanced at my dad and then to the opposite side of the street. At the restaurant that faced the duck pond, was Raven’s car. He had followed us after all.
“Either he really cares about you or he doesn’t trust me with you.”
I laughed. “He didn’t want to lose me, that’s all.”
“Well, he hasn’t.” Dad grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet. “Let’s go assure him that you’re not going anywhere but home with him.”
Σ
Chapter 8
Introducing Raven to my dad went better than expected. At first, I didn’t know if Raven was going to be amiable toward him, especially after everything that happened, but he seemed excited to finally meet him. And my dad seemed to approve of him. They chatted about Star Wars and The Walking Dead, both excited for the next season to launch in February. I figured Raven would eventually pull me in. Even though I didn’t care to watch a show about the end of times with the revived on a man-eating quest for intestines and brains, if sharing my life with Raven included that, I’d happily oblige.
Raven held the door open as we entered the Baxter Building, where the financial aid offices and counselors were located. I had to apply for graduation and I also wanted to discuss my options regarding my degree. I wanted to discuss changing my minor and I hoped it wasn’t too late. Purposefully, I had scheduled my appointment fifteen minutes after Raven had to be at his first session with the appointed school therapist. I reasoned with myself that it wasn’t about trust; it was about doing my part. It was about being there for him; being his accountability partner and making sure he made it to his meeting on time.
We walked up the flight of stairs and Raven stopped. “Aren’t the degree counselor’s on this floor?”
“Yes, but my appointment isn’t until ten forty-five.” I grabbed the railing and placed my foot on the next step, leading up to the third floor. “I’ll walk with you to your appointment.”
He eyed me for a moment and his face turned hard. He pursed his lips together while gripping the strap of his backpack until the calluses on his knuckles smoothed. Passing me, he said, “I don’t need an escort.” Taking the steps two at a time, he darted to the top.
“Raven.” I stomped after him, calling his name repeatedly, but he ignored me. “Don’t be mad.”
He paused when he reached the top of the stairs. A few students were behind us and we stepped aside, allowing them to pass. In a gentle fashion, I placed my hand on his arm. “The last thing I want is for you to think I’m watching you like a parent or a policeman. I’m not. I’m just here to support you. That’s all.”
He slumped against the wall and tilted his head back. Clenching his hands into fists, he closed his eyes. He took several deep breaths and I could tell he was battling something inside.
A past hurt.
A torment.
Something that I had to allow him to deal with because I couldn’t do it for him. I took a few steps back, keeping a safe distance. The last thing I wanted was to come between him and his demons.
“I’ll leave if that’s what you want,” I said in a low voice. “I was only trying to help.” I turned to go down the stairs when his hand pulled me back.
“Don’t go. I’m sorry,” he whispered, his eyes pleading for my forgiveness.
It took a second for me to shove past his hurtful comment, but I did. Raven needed me and I would keep my promise, no matter what he said or did. “Why is it so hard to let me in? I only want to help you.”
The green in his eyes turned a darker shade and his face stone hard. “You don’t want in, believe me. My mind can be a cold, dark place. Not a place for someone innocent like you.”
I swallowed — hard. It hurt hearing how tormented his mind was and I couldn’t even fathom what it was like for him; how much pain and despair he encountered on a daily basis.
What he thought.
What he experienced.
What he fought.
What made him give in, time and time again.
“The only place I want in is right here.” I placed my hand on his heart. “If we can get your heart healed, then I know it can heal whatever torments your mind. His body shifted and then relaxed under my touch. He released an audible breath as though pushing past the vice that kept his heart guarded and protected. “I’m not asking you to tell me those horrid thoughts, just open your heart to allow me in and love me.”
“I do love you.” He smiled and his eyes flickered a lighter shade.
“Then let me stand by your side. All I want is for you to get better.”
He latched onto my hand and raised it to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to my palm. Slowly, his eyes met mine.
“This isn’t going to be easy for me, Lexi. The last thing I want is to disappoint you or hurt you again.”
“That’s the last thing I want, too. But I’m going to keep my promise.”
“At what point will you see that I’m not worth that promise?”
My nose stung and the muscles around my vocal cords tightened, but I refused to cry. It pained me to hear him talk about his life that way. That he wasn’t worth much. Just like that day at the restaurant when he tossed that paper napkin to the side. Raven had treated his life with a nonchalant and carefree attitude that scared me. But I had to be strong — strong for Raven.
“Never. You’re worth it, no matter what you put us through.”
I couldn’t deny that there was another side of his comment that made me weary.
The trust factor.
As much as I refused to think negatively, he’d laid it out for me in vivid colors — I might end up getting hurt in the end. Despite how much he wanted to do this, he couldn’t hold to his promises. I appreciated the honesty, but it was working in the opposite direction of trust.
“But you don’t deserve to be hurt anymore,” he said, his eyes boring into mine, as if trying to gauge my honesty. I held my gaze steady to his, not flinching and definitely not blinking. I was being one-hundred-percent honest and I wanted him to see it. Even though I knew my heart couldn’t handle another break, I was willing to stick through it. I only hoped that it resulted with me being by his side forever.
“And neither do you. So, you do your part and I promise I’ll do mine.”
“How did I get so lucky?” He pulled me closer, embracing me tightly, like he never wanted to let me go. I prayed that he didn’t.
I shrugged. “You must be on God’s special list. I’ll tell you that.”
He chuckled and a full smile brightened his eyes. This was definitely the Raven I loved to see. “I guess.”
“C’mon.” He latched on to my hand. “I don’t want to be late.”
We walked down the hall until we arrived at a door marked The Center for Behavioral Counseling. A list of names, followed by credentials, indicated who occupied the clinic. Raven’s eyes traveled past the wording and then landed on me. I knew what he was thinking.
“Give it a chance.”
He nodded, took a deep breath, and then opened the door. We entered the
quaint office decorated in cool colors of light blue, green, and purple, which created an emotionally appealing atmosphere. Pictures of beach houses lined the walls and fresh flowers created a burst of sunshine. A student wearing glasses and a button up peach cardigan, greeted us. She was the poster child for a typical wanna-be therapist with subtle makeup and her hair in a tight bun. “Hello. Can I help you?”
Raven stalled for a moment and I gave him a gentle nudge. “Yes, I’m here to meet with Dr. Galen.”
The dark headed girl gave a friendly smile that made her eyes narrow. “Your name, please?”
“Raven,” he cleared his throat, “Davenport.”
She stalled for a second and then adjusted her glasses, taking a few seconds before she continued with her tasks. Her finger looked like it had a mind of its own as it did several rapid clicks with the mouse. “Please, have a seat. I’ll let him know you’re here,” she said with a little too much enthusiasm — vibrancy I wished Raven had and not her. The last thing he needed was another girl after him, especially at his therapist office.
“Thanks.” Raven seemed oblivious to his hormone-inducing-scent and walked over to a row of chairs. I followed him, placing a hand on his lower back, just below the band of his jeans, letting the girl know that only my hands were allowed on him. Instead of sitting, Raven shoved his hands in his pockets. “If you need to go, I understand.” He kept a tight lip as his gaze darted between the door, the receptionist, and me. I wasn’t sure if he was considering walking out but I wasn’t leaving until he went in the back to see the therapist.
I glanced at the time on my phone. “I’m good.” In a bold action, I took a step toward the door. “Unless you want me to leave?”
“No.” He shook his head. “I just didn’t want you to be late.” His face contorted in a nervous smile and fear loomed in the blacks of his eyes. Hidden behind his alluring eyes was a strife that he refused to reveal, and it was winning. He was allowing it to slowly destroy him. I just hoped that this counselor knew how to pull it out before it was too late.
Before I could reassure him that he’d be okay, the student stood up and said, “Dr. Galen is ready to see you.” She leaned on her desk, shifting her weight to the side as she tried to show her curvy figure and painted on pencil skirt. I shot her a disapproving gaze that made her sit down.
Raven froze for a moment and then blinked. An unfamiliar expression appeared across his face, almost like a prophetic word gave him the reassurance he needed. He leaned forward, until the tips of our noses touched. “Wait for me, in case I get done before you do.” He pressed his lips to mine. “Okay?”
“Okay. I’ll wait on the second floor.” I puckered my lips to his, wanting to show the girl that his lips belonged on me — only me — but he pulled away too quickly, only allowing me a peck.
Raven walked toward the small corridor with a confident and determined stride that I hadn’t seen in quite some time. “It’s the second door on the left,” the student said, pointing him in the right direction.
I immediately noticed the quick sweep of her gaze and the flush on her cheeks as she appraised Raven from head to toe, despite my efforts to show he was taken. My boyfriend might have been broken on the inside, but he wasn’t broken on the outside. It reminded me that I was the luckiest girl in the world.
As I walked out of the therapist’s office, I hoped the girl wouldn’t cause any trouble for us. Seeing as Raven hadn’t even seemed to notice her flirtatious attempts to capture his attention, I had to take that leap of faith and try to trust that he would do the right thing if she made any sexual propositions. It was obvious that I would never be able to control the way women looked at him, and I definitely didn’t want to be the jealous type, so I’d have to learn to deal with it and appreciate that women wanted what was mine.
As I walked down the stairs and toward the academic counseling area, I thought about what I wanted. I’d reviewed a few of my options last night after I got home from meeting my dad. Part of me wished I would’ve talked about my decision not to pursue a teaching certification with him, but I figured I needed to take things slowly. He was just coming around. I didn’t need any additional shock to change his mind.
The area swarmed with students — most of them probably trying to make last minute changes to their schedules or hoping to enroll. I was glad that I had scheduled my appointment online because it looked like the wait was an hour or longer. I stepped in the line for Appointments Only.
“Can I help you?” A guy behind the counter asked, rolling his eyes. The tension and chaos in the room made it obvious that he was overworked and tired of hearing complaints from students. The majority of the clerical positions were held by students working part-time as they attended school full-time. Kind of like what I had done in the Writing Lab. Thinking about that reminded me to call Dr. Phillips to see if I could start tutoring again.
“Yes, I have an appointment at ten forty-five with Mrs. Sheffield.”
The guy sighed. “Name and student ID.”
I wanted to tell him if he didn’t wear such tight T-shirts with the words Suck It on the front then maybe he could breathe better, but I refrained. “Lexi Thompson.” I pulled out my ID from my wristlet and handed it to him. He reviewed my information quickly and then swiped it through a card reader.
“They will call you when she’s ready.” He handed me my ID. “Next,” he said, looking over my shoulder. The guy seemed miserable working his part-time job and it reaffirmed my decision not to be a teacher. Life was too short to be that unhappy. While I knew the job was probably a temporary one for him, it still sucked if he hated what he did. Which explained the message on his shirt.
I took a seat and waited for the counselor. I thumbed through my school paperwork, making sure I had everything in place, just in case I needed it. Seeing all the classes I’d already taken made me feel a little sad. This was my last semester at PHU. I would be graduating after four years of hard work. Never in a million years would I have thought things would’ve turned out like they did, but I was glad that I had made the decision to start living my life for me. More than anything, I was glad I wasn’t getting married to someone I didn’t love.
“Lexi Thompson,” a short, heavyset woman called.
“Right here.” I raised my hand and then scurried toward her. Thirty minutes had passed and I wanted to make sure I was done when Raven’s session with his therapist ended. Not knowing what to expect from his appointment concerned me, especially after seeing how much he hesitated going into the session.
“Hi. I’m Susan Sheffield.” She stuck out her short, chubby arm and I shook it.
“Nice to meet you.” I shifted my folder to my left hand.
“Likewise. You’re here to apply for graduation?” She glanced at a clipboard as she started down the hallway. I promptly followed her, placing my folder in my backpack.
“Yes and I want to discuss my minor.”
“Oh, okay.” She blew a few strands of straggling hair away from her face and cast me a doubtful look. I followed her into a small office and she shut the door. “Have a seat, please.”
I sat on the cold, hard plastic chair and waited as she rounded her desk. Her chair creaked as she took the load off her feet and pulled closer to the desk. She unfolded the reading glasses hanging around her neck and perched them on the tip of her nose.
“May I see your ID?”
“Yes, of course.” I fished the card from my pocket and handed it to her.
Positioned in front of her computer, she said, “Let’s see if you qualify for graduation.” Her fingers typed a string of characters along the keyboard in a slow and decisive manner. For half a minute, she scrolled through the screen, humming to herself in a low tone. I tried to pick out the tune, but it wasn’t familiar.
As I waited for her to review my information, I retrieved my folder, ready to answer any questions or produce any documents necessary. “According to my records, I should already have thirty-three hours
in English.”
“Just a moment.” She studied the computer screen before finally saying, “Yes. You are correct. To graduate, you just need to complete the two courses in Education and the one in Creative Writing. Has the professor for your student teaching class contacted you?”
“Um, yes, he has.” I recalled seeing the email over Christmas break, but with everything that had happened, I hadn’t given it much attention.
“Then you should be all set.” She took off her glasses and plucked a tissue from a decorative box on the corner of her desk. Using her index finger and thumb, she cleaned the lenses. “So, I’ll go ahead and approve you for graduation and you can pay the fee and be done.”
“Thanks, but I wanted to discuss dropping my minor.” My stomach tied into a tight knot and my palms moistened. Why was I so nervous? I was one-hundred percent certain I didn’t want to teach.
She stopped cleaning her glasses. “But you’re so close to being done. Why change now?” She stared at me and for a quick second, I swore it was my mother’s eyes drilling into me.
Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out.
The lady couldn’t possible understand my decision and she definitely didn’t need to know what I had gone through. The muscles tightened around my vocal chords, but I managed to speak. “It’s not really what I want to do.”
Her eyes remained fixed on me and my entire body broke out in a cold sweat. I watched her mouth move, but all I heard was my mom’s voice. Scolding me. Chastising me. Telling me that I would get that education degree so I could homeschool my kids — Collin’s babies. I glanced around the room, wondering if she knew my family or Collin. Had Collin come to speak to her? Tell her that I had made a terrible mistake and that he was going to fight to get me back?
“Lexi?”
I snapped out of the horrid reverie and blinked several times. I was definitely freaked out.
“Darling, are you okay?” Mrs. Sheffield extended her arm, offering her hand for support. I kept my hands to myself, not wanting to disgust her with my sweaty palms. A wave of nausea rushed over me. I had to swallow several times before I lost my breakfast in her trashcan. “Do you need some water?” She rolled away from her desk and pulled a plastic water bottle from a stash sitting on the floor. With a concerned expression, she handed me the water.
The Winning Side Page 8