A huge grin spread from ear to ear and he rubbed his beard, which was a little thicker than normal. “Yes, I did.”
“That’s wonderful. You deserve it!” I smiled at him. “You’ve worked so hard for this and never gave up.” Casually, I slipped my hand from his before he got the wrong impression.
He ran a hand through his sandy blond hair and it fell perfectly to the side. With that simple movement, all the memories rushed in without warning. This wasn’t good. “I guess all my hard work paid off.”
“It did, and you should be proud.” His gaze fell to my midsection and I crossed my arms over my body. “So, when do you leave?” I asked in an attempt to distract his attention away from my pooch.
“Monday morning.”
“So soon?” My breath hitched in my throat and I cleared it a few times.
“Yeah, I have to report to practice on Tuesday. My first game is on Friday.”
“Will you be pitching?”
His shoulders lifted and he tilted his head to the side. “We’ll see.”
“I’m happy for you, Collin. Really, I am.” The sensation of tears threatened and I had no idea why I wanted to cry— again. I wasn’t regretting my decisions or wishing I had another chance with him. I couldn’t explain the sadness and happiness that filtered through me. “I wish you the best.” I quickly swiped the tears that rolled down my cheek. “I really do.”
Damn it.
“Lexi.” Collin gathered me in his arms and I willingly allowed him to embrace me. “Are you okay?”
“Yes.” I nodded and sniffed. “I’m a bit of a hormonal mess right now. That’s it. Really, I’m good.”
“I’m sorry.” His hand cradled the back of my head and I rested my cheek against his the fullness of his chest. His upper body moved in a fast rhythm and I could feel his pulse pounding loudly in my ear. I just prayed it wasn’t beating wildly for me. I wouldn’t know how to handle it, especially not now. “I know you’ve had it rough these past few months.”
The waterworks released at full speed and I cried hard.
Letting out every feeling.
Every thought.
Every memory I had of us. I guess I hadn’t truly let go of my feelings for him, or maybe pregnancy was bringing it all out again. Whatever it was, it felt good and sucked at the same time. I was certain I’d moved past him.
“It’s not your fault. It was my choice.” I wiped under my eyes with the tips of my fingers, smearing my mascara. “It’s the path I chose.”
“Regardless, I’m sorry that he left you.” With his index finger, he lifted my chin, aligning our eyes. For the first time ever, I felt a real connection. A deep, intimate one that never existed when we were together. Something in him had changed and his eyes said everything he could never tell me. How much he cared about me. How much he loved me. And how I broke his heart. For the first time, I felt responsible for everything.
“You warned me, but I didn’t listen.” I reminded him, feeling the need to blame myself for any heartache I caused either of us.
“Still, I hate that you’re facing this alone.” His gaze dropped to my stomach and his finger left my chin, wavering in front of me before landing at his side.
I looked down at my belly and then back at him. “You know.”
A look of disappointment etched deep into the corners of his eyes before transitioning into an envious green. It was color that never existed for him, but apparently I had caused it. “Yeah, Luke told me.” He pulled me a little closer and I studied the way he held me — the proximity of my body to his and the distance of our lips. Never had he held me this way. Damn him. I searched his face closely, wondering what else was going through his mind.
I shifted, increasing the space between us. Things were starting to get a little too comfortable. A tiny part of me wanted to curse Luke, but the other part was kind of glad he told him. I wanted him to know, even if it hurt him.
“I want you to know that I admire your decision to go through with this. You could’ve chosen the easy way out, but didn’t.”
“Thank you.” An insurmountable amount of love filled me, all of me, for my unborn children. I knew I had made the right choice, regardless of whether Raven knew or not. I was having these babies, with or without him.
“I just wish that the circumstances would’ve been different.” He stroked my hair and I let out a soft sigh. “Because you wouldn’t be standing here crying. We’d be rejoicing.”
I pressed my lips together, feeling the sting in my nose and the burning in my eyes. “I know.” I closed my eyes, my heart dropping into my stomach. As painful as it was to hear, I knew he was right. I had chosen the difficult path and I was paying for it. Regardless, it was a decision I’d never regret. I loved Raven.
“More than anything, I wish I could tell you I’d be here for you, but I can’t.” His voice faltered and his eyes glazed over as they filled with tears. In all the years I’d know him, I’d never seen him cry. Collin wasn’t one that wore or showed his emotions. But tonight, he was definitely opening himself up to me.
Without even saying it, I knew why he couldn’t. “You found someone, right?”
“Yes.” He closed his eyes and lowered his head. With a deep breath, he said, “And I’m in love with her.”
An unexplainable happiness surrounded my heart, but also tugged at it. He deserved to find someone that would love him and honor him — be patient, because I couldn’t. “That’s great, Collin. I knew you would.”
He raised his hand, and with his thumb, he traced my lips. My body quivered, but I told myself to stay strong.
Not to fall for his touch.
For his sweet affection.
It would be my worst decision — ever.
His hand cupped my face and he stared directly into my eyes. “I would’ve given anything for it to be you instead.”
For one full minute, my heart stopped. It was more than I could handle. More than I could take in. Collin was professing that he still loved me. But it wasn’t what I wanted. There was only one man for me. He was the one that kept my heart beating, even though he refused to keep a hold of it. I took a hard swallow and mustered up the courage to set things straight between us. “I know. I wish things would’ve work out between us, but they didn’t.”
The pain behind his eyes told me this was hurting him more than it was me. “Know this, Lexi, you’ll always have a special place in my heart.” He pressed his lips to mine and I felt his tears drip to my face.
“And so will you.”
***
“Thanks for coming with me.” I pulled into the parking lot of my new OB/GYN’s office and turned off the car.
“I don’t mind.” Delaney opened the passenger door. “It’s kind of nice not to drive.”
My parents wanted to buy me a new car, but I refused. After much deliberation, my dad decided to buy my mom a new Lexus and gave me her old one, which was only six years old.
“This ride is sweet. You can drive me around anytime.” Delaney shut the door carefully.
“As long as you don’t mind sitting in the back and keeping an eye on the twins.”
“Sure. Aunt Delaney would be more than happy to help.” My eyebrows shot up. It was the first time I’d ever heard her call herself “Aunt”. Were things moving that fast that she was ready to marry Luke? I guess time would tell.
I signed in and filled out the necessary stack of papers, grateful that my parents were allowing me to stay on their health insurance. It definitely removed unneeded stress. Once the twins were born, I’d have to consider other options, since my dad wouldn’t be able to cover them. After twenty minutes, they called my name and Delaney followed me into the exam room. The nurse took my vitals, drew some blood, and told me to put on a gown and wait for the doctor. The same as last time, except this time, I already knew I was pregnant. It was still nerve wracking because the doctor was going to make sure everything was okay after having the IUD removed.
I fli
pped through a pregnancy magazine, trying to keep occupied as I waited. Pictures of newborn babies cradled in their mom’s arms made me smile. It was hard to imagine that in twenty-nine weeks, I’d be doing the same. “Delaney, I want you to take some picture of me once I get a little bigger, and after the babies are born.”
“Okay. Sure.”
I turned the page and a picture of a famous football player with his newborn son laying against his bare chest, stared at me. The ripples of his muscles secured the small infant within his arms, and I couldn’t help but picture Raven holding his babies. My throat tightened, but I pushed the lump down. Closing the magazine, I promised not to cry — not anymore. I had done enough crying over the past twelve weeks. This week was a turning point, not having cried one day. Maybe I was finally getting over the hormonal riot going on in my body, or maybe I had finally accepted that Raven was out of the picture for good.
“Oh, hell no.” Delaney held up a brochure that talked about vaginal delivery. “When the time comes, I’m not letting my baby’s head stretch my vajayjay. I’ll just opt for a C-section instead.”
A laughed escaped me. “Yeah, I guess Luke wouldn’t like that.” I motioned for her to hand me the brochure. “I’ll probably need a C-section regardless. I’m not sure I could push out two babies.”
“I don’t know about that.” She eyed me, as if trying to peek under my gown. “Your vayjayjay might be big enough.”
I slapped her arm in a playful manner. “Oh, whatever. I’ve only had sex with one guy, not ten or twenty.”
She shook her head. “Now that’s just low.”
The door opened and I mouthed, “I’m sorry”.
“Lexi?” A short, heavy-set woman with light blonde hair greying around the temples entered the room. “I’m Dr. Williams.” She extended her hand and I shook it.
“Hi, nice to meet you.”
Glancing at my chart, she said, “Thanks for having your records from the university health center transferred to us. I reviewed your history and want to do another sonogram, just to make sure the babies are doing okay since removing the IUD.”
“Okay, sounds good.”
“Based on your last period, your chart indicated that your due date is around December seventeenth. What a wonderful Christmas present.” She smiled.
“Yes, two babies,” I sighed, with a grin.
I could do this on my own. For the past two weeks, I’d been working in the writing lab and editing for J.S. Christensen. It was working out perfectly. But what about grad school? I wasn’t sure I could handle that, too. And with my growing belly, I knew I had to tell Dr. Phillips soon and decide whether to withdraw from fall classes.
The doctor did a quick examination, listening to my heart and lungs. “Everything sounds good.” She pushed a button on the wall and a buzzing noise sounded. Shoving her thick hands into plastic gloves, she said, “I need you to lie down so we can take a look at the babies.”
“Okay.” I brought my legs up and reclined against the examination table. The door opened and the nurse returned. Taking my chart, she positioned herself behind the doctor, preparing to take notes.
“I’m going to squirt a jelly-like substance over your stomach. It might be warm.”
“Warm?” I lifted my head, trying to catch a glimpse of where she kept it. “The one at the health center was cold.”
She winked. “We keep ours nice and warm for our future mommies.”
“Oh.” Mommies. I hadn’t really considered myself a mom yet, but I guess that’s what I would become.
“Just relax and keep your eyes right here on the screen.” She pointed to a monitor that was a little larger than the one at the health center.
“Oh, wow. This looks totally different.” The screen illuminated in an antique brown color, not the typical black and white that most sonograms showed. The image was in 3-D; nothing like the last one I’d had. “Delaney, are you seeing this?”
Two babies, in separate sacks, moved and turned, giving us a clear view of their faces.
“Oh my God!” Delaney squeaked as she scurried to my side. “You can actually tell they are babies.” She looked at my growing belly and then back to the screen. I was just as amazed. “That one totally has your lips.”
“And forehead.” I rolled my eyes, hating that my baby had already inherited the part of me that I didn’t like.
“This baby is measuring a little smaller than twelve weeks.” The doctor pushed a few buttons as she moved the wand around my stomach.
“Is that a bad thing?” I studied the image that looked a little alien-like. But I didn’t care. I knew the baby would be perfect once it was born. Besides, didn’t all developing babies look weird?
“No. It’s perfectly normally for one twin to be larger than the other.”
“My brother was a pound heavier than me.”
“So, you’re a twin?” The doctor continued to study the monitor as her hand moved over my stomach.
“Yes. Fraternal.”
The doctor’s eyes lifted. “That probably explains your pregnancy. Fraternal twins tend to be hereditary.”
Great. I was the lucky candidate.
“My grandmother had a twin brother, but he died at birth,” I sighed, trying to push out any bad thoughts. “Back then, they couldn’t do C-sections. My mom said the chord was wrapped around the baby’s neck.”
She patted my arm. “Science has come a long way since then. You don’t have to worry about that, okay?”
I nodded and refocused on the wondrous sight on the screen before me. I was still awestruck at the site of them. It was amazing watching them move and turn inside of me. It made everything seem that much more real.
“Oh, no! Does that mean I could have twins?” A look of worry washed across Delaney’s face. “I’m dating her brother.”
“Typically, it passes through the female,” the doctor informed her.
“Whew.” Delaney leaned against the counter behind her. “I don’t think my body could handle carrying twins.”
I nudged her. “You never know.”
“I’m not getting pregnant any time soon.” She crossed her arms. “If ever.”
“I said the same thing,” I pointed to the screen, “and look what happened. Not one, but two.”
“I’d die.” Delaney shook her head.
The doctor moved the instrument to the other side of my stomach, examining the other baby. She pressed a few buttons, capturing different positions and talking to the nurse in a code that made no sense to me.
“This baby is measuring larger than the other one, but everything looks good.”
“Maybe it’s a boy!” Delaney voice escalated in excitement.
The doctor laughed. “It’s a little early to tell. When Lexi comes come back in six weeks, we should be able to tell the babies’ gender. As long as they are cooperating, that is.”
“Hopefully, they will be.” I kept my eyes on the screen, part of me hoping I was having a girl and a boy.
“Oh, wow.” Delaney leaned forward. “That one has Raven’s profile.”
The baby was turned to the side, giving us a perfect glimpse of a tiny straight nose and square jaw. It was a mini version of Raven. I reached toward the screen, eager to touch my unborn child. To let him know how much I loved and needed him. My eyes stung and I blinked rapidly, trying to prevent any more crying, but it was no use. Tears streamed from my eyes, spilling into my hair. The baby looked exactly like its daddy. Too bad Raven wasn’t here to see it.
“Can I please get a few pictures?” I wiped my eyes.
“Yes, of course. I’ve been capturing several different angles for you.” The nurse handed me a tissue.
“Thank you.” I wiped my nose. “I’ve been so emotional lately.”
“That’s perfectly normal. You’re hormones are in flux, hopefully they’ll start settling down a bit.”
“I hope so.” I honestly didn’t know how much more I could take.
Delaney reach
ed for my hand and I latched onto it. At least I had my friend to help support me, along with my parents. But could I really do this without him? Did I really want our babies to grow up not knowing their father? Raven didn’t know his father, and look what that did to him. I didn’t want that for my children…our children. My selfishness wasn’t fair to them.
“Are you ready to hear the heartbeats?” The doctor asked, her finger hovering over a button.
“Yes.” I cleared my throat.
A loud whishing sound, ten times louder than the first time I’d heard it, filled the room.
“Why is it so fast?” My ears followed the waves, taking in the incredible sound that gave even more confirmation of the lives growing inside of me.
“Babies’ heartbeats are naturally fast. Usually one-hundred and forty to one-hundred and sixty beats per minute.”
Delaney’s mouth dropped open. “That’s amazing.”
“It’s unbelievable.”
The doctor switched off the volume after a minute or so. I wished I could have recorded it, just so I could listen to it every night. Hearing the strength behind those beats gave me the willpower to go on. My heart would survive for them, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to go on without Raven.
Would I ever feel right without him?
What if he never said goodnight to his babies?
Could I live with myself knowing that I had kept this from him? It wasn’t right and I knew it. He needed to know and I had to tell him. Regardless of what that meant for us. For our babies’ sake, he had to know.
Σ
Chapter 21
The next morning, I got up and packed my bags. I’d stayed up most of the night thinking about Raven and me. The time we had spent together. The loved we shared. Most of all, the lives we created that were growing inside of me. Maybe it took a while for my heart to align with my head, but when it finally did, a huge spark ignited. Whatever it was, I knew I had to tell him.
The Winning Side Page 26