Finding Us

by Allie Juliette Mousseau

  “Nate, you’re scaring me,” I tried to say calmly. “Help me.”

  At the sound of my voice, he was able to tear his eyes off the animal and put them on me. “Jules, get out of there. Now! Hurry up.”

  “I’m not leaving without her.” Everything felt otherworldly, from the dead dogs and puppies here in this decrepit place, to Nate, who was retreating faster with a fear in his eyes I’d never seen before.

  It was hot and I wasn’t wearing anything except a tank top and jeans. I wished for an over shirt to wrap around the injured pup, but I didn’t have one, so I held her close to my chest, breathing through my mouth. By the time I stood, Nate was almost out of the alley.

  “Hey, wait!” I called to him. He stopped but didn’t turn around. I caught up with him. “Quick, grab a blanket and lay it in your truck bed so we can get her to the animal hospital.”

  “I’m going up to the apartment to start dinner,” Nate said.

  “Dinner? What?” I couldn’t believe it. He was walking away with the bags in his hands. “Nathaniel!”

  He snapped out of it for a second. “Jules,” he breathed. “I can’t help you with … this. But here,”—he walked back toward my car, and I followed him, trying to figure out what the hell was going on! Once we reached the car, he took the keys from my bag, unlocked the back door and held it open—“you can put it here.”

  With no help I laid her on the seat. I stepped back and shook the crud from my shirt as best as I could, breathing in deeply.

  “What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you helping me?” I was furious. I knew the dog was disgusting, but I’d never known Nate to be so squeamish.

  “I can’t,” he said simply, still staring at the dog.

  “She’s going to die if we don’t get her help now, Nate! It doesn’t matter if you like dogs or not!” What the hell! He handled animals day and night and he couldn’t care less about this wasted creature right here? This wasn’t like him!

  “I’m going to be …” he dropped the grocery bags onto the concrete and ran toward the back of the car, dropped to his knees and threw up violently.

  I was stunned and confused. “Hey, it’s okay.” I patted his back, wondering what had brought on this extreme reaction. This was obviously not just squeamishness.

  “It’s not okay. Nothing’s okay.” He heaved again and it sounded like his guts were being wrenched inside out. When he was able to regain his breath he cried out, “I can’t do it again! Please don’t make me! God, don’t make me!”

  He was frightening me now. I couldn’t tell if he was talking to me or God or both. His entire body had begun to shake before he wiped his mouth with the lower half of his t-shirt. I wanted to help him. To find out what was going on in his head, but before I could even get a word out, he stood up abruptly.

  “I have to go.” Nate snagged up the grocery bags, turned away from the car and the dog and nearly ran to the apartment building.

  I struggled over what to do. Something was happening with Nate and I had no idea what it was, but it was bad. And I had an almost dead dog in my backseat.

  “Dog first, Nate second.” I commanded myself to move. When I got in the car I rolled down all the windows and drove quickly to the animal hospital and carried her in.

  The vet on call came out immediately and we put the dog onto an examining table as I explained where and how I’d found her.

  The vet, Dr. Kim, called in the assistant and the two quickly went to work, injecting her with a sedative before beginning an IV drip.

  After a quick examination the vet said to me, “I don’t know if she’s going to make it. I hate to say I doubt it, but she’s really bad off.” She looked frustrated and disgusted. “She’s severely dehydrated, has infected open sores underneath all of this filthy matted fur …” She rolled the dog onto her back and said bitterly, “Look at this, a botched C-section.”

  Across her little belly was a sore looking incision that hadn’t healed and was obviously infected.

  “I wonder if she even had anesthesia,” the vet spat. “I’d love to get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who did this.”

  “I called the police to take care of the others,” I said sadly. “Hopefully they’ll find whoever’s responsible.”

  “Doubt it,” Dr. Kim said. “More than likely, considering the condition this dog is in, the puppy mill owner got tired or caught or was even just passing through and took off and left them behind to die.”

  Tears streamed down my cheeks again as I thought of the dead young mother dog with her pups dead at her side. I swallowed hard. “Please, do whatever you can do to save her, I’ll cover all expenses.”

  “She’s lucky you came along. Even if she does pass, at least she’ll go more comfortably now.”

  “I’ll keep calling to see how she’s doing.”

  “Of course. I’ll have the receptionist give you my cell number too; I can always be reached on it.”

  “Would you like to call her anything specific?” We both looked at the sleeping girl. Naming her wasn’t the best idea. I didn’t want this to hurt more than it already did. But to go out of the world without a name seemed so sad and inhumane.

  “Let’s call her Lady Luck. I think she needs it in high doses.”

  “That’s perfect,” the vet replied.

  “If she passes …”

  “I’ll call you.”

  It was dark by the time I was looking for a parking place outside of Nate’s. I found a place a few blocks up deliberately so I didn’t have to walk past the tragedy again. I wondered if the police had come and cleared it out yet. When I reached Nate’s floor, the door was unlocked. I pushed it open and called out for him, but he didn’t answer. I let myself in and walked through the kitchen. The grocery bags sat on the table, still full of the items I’d bought. He had never put them away. Next to them was a half a fifth of Jack Daniels with an empty glass and four cigarettes crushed into an ashtray.

  Last time he’d smoked that I knew of was that night in Saskatoon outside of the hotel.

  “Nate.” I went into the bathroom. Maybe he was showering?

  When I saw that he wasn’t, I walked into the bedroom and found him in bed, asleep. It wasn’t even eight o’clock yet.

  What in God’s name happened? I couldn’t put it together. Part of me wanted to wake him up so we could talk, but I had a feeling that wouldn’t be a good idea. As much as I wanted to understand everything that was going on with him, I was afraid that he’d just shut down if I pushed too hard.

  I had to get out of my soiled clothes. First thing I did was take a shower. I cried again as I scrubbed myself and prayed Lady Luck was at least comfortable. The vision of the other dead dogs, which had died trapped and helpless, shredded me. On top of it, I couldn’t fathom what had happened to Nate. Sure he could brood and get moody sometimes, but he was always, always eager to help anytime he could with anyone or anything. Maybe this had something to do with a dog he’d had as a child? I tried to think back to remember if he’d ever had a pet growing up, but I couldn’t remember one.

  After my shower I rummaged through Nate’s drawers and found a clean t-shirt to put on, then made a cup of soup and a piece of toast for myself.

  His reaction had been so severe, but I didn’t know what to do. At first I’d been seriously angry when he hadn’t helped me, but then to watch him back up like he did with such horror in his eyes … It made me think about his secrets game. We knew each other like the back of our hands, but there were other things, deep and hidden and dark within him that he never allowed to surface.

  I crawled into bed next to him and watched him sleep. He looked peaceful. I decided I wasn’t going to push it. Whatever had happened and however he felt, he’d explain when he was ready. I wiggled up against him until we shared the air between us and fell asleep.

  It was the moaning that first woke me up. Nate’s sleep had turned troubled, but before I could wake him from it, he rolled over and seemed to settle. Now awa
ke, I had to make a bathroom call. I was just washing my hands when he began to scream. The sound was low and ominous—not a scream from fear, but of a soul twisting pain.

  I rushed out of the bathroom. “Nate, wake up. You’re okay.”

  He did it again while he thrashed against the sheets. Tears invaded my own eyes and I tried shaking him awake, but he was deep in his nightmare. He mumbled unintelligible words until one phrase came out like crystal, “Leave her alone!”

  “NATHANIEL!” I got louder. “It’s a dream, let it go and wake up!”

  He startled into a sitting position, breathing like a marathon runner. His hand fumbled to the light on the end stand and clicked it on. He looked around, near frantically, as if trying to figure out where he was.

  “Hey, it’s okay. It was only a dream.”

  “Are you okay?” He didn’t look like he believed it was just a dream. Fear and fierceness made up his visage.

  “I’m okay,” I reassured him.

  “Come here.” He pulled me down into him and moved us into a laying position. Then he held me tightly, constricting me. “It’s just us here.” He spoke as if he was trying to convince himself.

  “Just us,” I reassured.

  “You’re not hurt. You’re safe,” he verified. “I’ll never let anyone hurt you.”

  “I know,” I soothed. “I know. Do you want to tell me about it?”

  “It was nothing, baby, just go back to sleep.”

  Nothing.

  I woke to the smell of bacon and eggs. It took a minute to climb out of my sleep as I remembered everything that had happened yesterday and last night. Sitting up on the side of the bed, I ran my fingers through my hair. Then I got up and found a pair of drawstring shorts in Nate’s drawer, put them on and cinched them tight. After washing my face, I quietly padded out into the kitchen.

  “Morning, sleepyhead,” Nate chimed cheerfully.

  “Morning,” I said cautiously. I sat at the table and pulled my phone from my bag. No messages. That was positive. “You made breakfast.”

  “We didn’t have a proper dinner and I figured you were probably pretty hungry.” He set a plate in front of me with scrambled eggs, bacon and toast.

  “Thanks.”

  He kissed the top of my head and sat next to me with his own plate and dug in. “What have you got going on today?”

  His everything-is-normal demeanor really threw me. “Um … not sure.” I wanted to bring it up. I had to know.

  “I’ve got stock to rotate, which might keep me late.” He met my eyes for like half a second before he locked them back down on his breakfast. “I don’t want you coming to the apartment again. This area’s pretty bad and I can’t be worried about you coming here without me.”

  “Oh …”

  “In the next day or two, I’ll get Caleb to help me give my furniture to Goodwill and I’ll close out the lease.”

  “Okay.” I wasn’t sure exactly how I felt about him banishing me, but he had a point about safety and it certainly wasn’t worth arguing about. After all, moving out of his crappy apartment had always been part of the plan.

  “Yeah, and until Piper vacates the guesthouse, we can camp in my truck up on the property.”

  “That’s a good idea.” I took a breath. “Do you want to talk about the dream you had?” Or about yesterday.

  “No, I can’t be late. It was really nothing. Everybody has bad dreams. Finish up and we’ll leave together.” He stood up and rinsed his plate.

  “The food’s good. Thanks.” I stared into my plate. Bad dreams were normal. Running away from that dog and puking last night wasn’t. They had to be related. I opened my mouth to try coming at it from another angle, but Nate intercepted.

  “I’m a pretty good cook, just you wait.” He stood over me and tilted my chin up towards him, kissing me gently.

  Maybe now wasn’t the time for questions.

  Nate made sure I was safely in the car before he walked back up to his truck. The stench was awful. I had to roll the windows down fast and knew when I got home I was going to have to hose out the back seat.

  As we pulled into the drive my mom came out shouting, “HURRY UP! WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU!”

  Nate and I ran up to the house. My mom was almost jumping up and down.

  “What is going on?” Her exuberance helped me forget for a moment what was happening in my world.

  “I have Jake and Livie on Skype!” she sing-songed.

  I loved Jake and Livie and all, but … “Since when has that become such a big deal? We Skype all the time.”

  She ignored me and ran back to the house with me and Nate trailing behind her.

  The kitchen was bursting with activity. Dad and Mom, Caleb and Piper and Josh and Sam were all gathered around the table.

  “Okay, they’re here now!” My mom was a basket case. “Tell us, what is it?”

  “Hey, Jake! Hi, Liv! Where are you guys?” I broke in.

  “They’re in Alaska, now respect your mother!” She pushed me aside. “Answer my question!” my mom ordered. My dad chuckled.

  “Nate,” Livie called. “Move in so I can see you!”

  “I’m here.” Nate waved at the screen.

  Jake looked at Livie. “Are you ready?”

  She smiled and nodded.

  In unison they sang, “We’re pregnant!”

  All hell broke loose!

  My mom screamed and jumped up out of her seat. My dad was proudly crooning, “That’s my boy.” Josh, Sam and Caleb began placing bets on whether it was going to be a boy or a girl, Piper was doling out congratulations and Nate looked pale.

  “Look at all the people who are going to love you!” Jake pointed the screen at Livie’s belly.

  I laughed with crazy joy. “That’s the most amazing news I’ve ever heard! I wish you were here so I could hug you!”

  “I know, me too!” Livie started crying. “I’m so emotional now.”

  “It’s all the hormones,” Jake butted in, and Livie slapped his arm. “Well, it is! You should have seen her three days ago, we ran out of pickles and she started crying.”

  “You promised you wouldn’t tell!” she accused.

  “I forgot. Besides, it’s a funny story.”

  “NATE, WHERE ARE YOU?!” Livie whined.

  “I’m right here, sis. Congratulations. I’m so happy for you both,” Nate said. He smiled, but I could see that it didn’t reach his eyes. “You’ll make amazing parents.”

  I could tell that something was off. I wondered if he was still shaken up about that dream or if maybe he was worried that Jake and Livie were too young or something.

  Now, my brothers were betting on names, mom was asking about morning sickness, and Dad was interjecting questions about where they’d be settling down.

  It was chaos.

  Livie was talking about gagging on the smell of coffee and Jake was promising they were thinking about settling closer to home. Meanwhile Nate was sneaking behind us towards the door.

  “Hey,” I said, catching up with him. “Where are you going?”

  “I told you I had to rotate stock today,” he said, seeming to look straight through me.

  “I forgot. Want me to keep you company?” I offered.

  “No, I got this.” He tried to smile but it came out as more of a grimace. “Go back to your phone call.”

  Maybe he just needed a little alone time. “I’ll call or radio you a little later for lunch,” I said with a wink.

  “I’ve got too much going on. I’ll make it up to you at the campsite tonight, okay?” The words sounded flirty, but he spoke them in monotone.

  My chest constricted at his obvious avoidance. “Okay, sure. You know, Nate, I’m only a phone call away and you can talk to me about anything.”

  “I know.” He nodded. “Be safe today.” Nate kissed me and walked out the door.

  I watched as he stalked away to his truck and sighed out a big breath. He didn’t look like the man who’d just
gotten engaged and he definitely didn’t look like a man who’d just received news that he was going to be an uncle.

  Laughter and shouts from the kitchen stole my attention. I joined back in with them, but I wasn’t fully present. I pulled away for some space and went to pour myself a cup of coffee while I listened to their chatter.

  Caleb came over. “Any coffee left?”

  “A little, I can make some more,” I offered.

  “Nah, I’m fine. Did you two get in an argument?” he asked, raking his fingers through his hair.

  “No, we didn’t.” I pulled out a coffee filter, set it into the basket and scooped some hazelnut grounds into it.

  “That was definitely him brooding. Where is he going anyway?” he peered out the kitchen window.

  “Something about rotating stock.”

  Caleb turned to me and made a face. “We don’t start that until next week.”

  He’d lied? I knew he was avoiding talking to me, but an outright lie felt more like a betrayal than I wanted to admit. It was just a little lie, right? Just him trying to deal with his issues on his own—no big deal. Right? I’d been warned of this, just hold on Jules.

  “Jules, did something happen?” Caleb asked, interrupting my thoughts.

  I hadn’t thought of this—being with my brother’s best friend, and the business said brother would shove his nose into.

  I contemplated him. What would Nate want me to do? The things about his life he’d opened up and shared with me, he’d said he hadn’t told anyone else.

  “Nothing to be worried about,” I said, playing nonchalant. “You were right, he gets moody and pensive and I guess this is just one of those days.”

  “Mmhm.” He walked away like he didn’t believe me.

  I took in the smell of the freshly roasted coffee and let it comfort me a bit. After I poured myself a cup and I heard everyone was saying their goodbyes, I intercepted my mom’s tablet.

  “I have a bestie question, so I’m taking her away,” I announced and went up into my room and shut the door behind me.

  “Can you get rid of Jake?”

  “Already did.”

  “Did you and Nate ever have a dog?”