by Beth Lynne
Smith was special. Homeless and sick—nearly dead, he was convinced when he reflected back on those horrible days, from heroin withdrawal, he was living on the streets a few years ago when Celia passed by his particular hole in the wall. He was shivering and shaking from withdrawal, and he began to, well, tingle. At first, he thought it was more withdrawal symptoms, but Celia felt it too and she took him in and cleaned him up. Upon injecting Smith with the serum, he not only was found to be a floater and a guide—able to float through objects and bring others with him—but he developed the most beautiful singing voice, so he entered a national competition and formed a band that became a pop sensation: Four Ugly College Kids. Smith was famous and a superhero trainer. However, the band was now on “hiatus,” which was more than likely permanent because they were getting too old to be squeaky clean and profanity-free, and Smith wanted nothing more than to drop out of sight and concentrate on honing his super powers and training this new band of misfits.
14
Amazingly, Sidra’s day had been pretty uneventful. She figured that the crazy stuff would start when she got home to her talking cat with the ability to give her superpowers. The only thing that was maybe a little out of the ordinary was that Venti and her group of bitches hadn’t bothered her, other than looking at her a bit longer than necessary in the cafeteria. Oh, and there was an eyeroll, also from Princess V, as she like to refer to herself now. Give me a break, Sidra reflected. Who gives herself her own nickname? Sidra’s brother would call her “Sid” and her cat called her “Siddy.” This thought, that her cat had given her a nickname, made Sidra smile.
Axel and Sidra reached the door to the house at the same time, racing as they did when they were little kids to be the one to reach it first. Lately, Axel had been the winner every time, but today, Sidra, since she was now a superhero, she figured, reached the door first and clicked the handle down, Axel pushing behind her. He pushed too hard, though, and they toppled to the floor of the foyer just inside the house. Their mother and Mittens appeared from the direction of the kitchen. Margo gasped upon seeing Mittens and the front door open.
“The cat! The cat! Close the door before she gets out!”
“Fat chance,” Sidra muttered. Mittens gave Sidra an open-mouthed silly cat-grin as Axel scrambled to close the door. Margo still was shell-shocked from Mittens’ disappearance a couple months ago, when she had gotten out for a week. Margo had cried every night that week after searching the neighborhood with a flashlight in one hand and a bowl of dry cat food to shake in the other. Mittens appeared on the doorstep after being gone seven days, nonchalantly licking her paws. Margo had been extremely vigilant after that, neurotically so. Mittens had been brought to the vet and poked and prodded to make sure she had no fleas or worms in her stool and was in quarantine in the guest bathroom to make sure she had no rabies. Sidra made a note to ask where she had been during that time, just out of curiosity.
“C’mon, Mittens, come help me with my homework,” Sidra beckoned to the cat. Mittens lifted her tail haughtily and trailed up the stairs behind Sidra to her room.
“Oh, look at that kitty,” Margo cooed. “So smart.”
Sidra closed the door behind them when they reached her room.
“Oh, look at that kitty!” Mittens mocked Margo.
“Cut it out, bitchy kitty. Mom loves you. She just doesn’t know what you are capable of.”
“Ehhh!” Mittens waved her off.
“You could let her hold you sometimes instead of struggling, or even sit on her lap sometimes.”
“Oh, please!”
“You mean a lot to her, Mittens!”
“Grrrr, Saturn. Saturn, not Mittens!” The kitty’s fur on her back started to raise somewhat.
“Oh, whatever. So, Saturn, how did you get your powers and how do I get powers? And, how do I get to see Smith again?” Sidra asked coyly.
Soothed, the cat’s fur unruffled and she responded, “You’ll see him soon. He has to train you how to fight. As far as the superpowers, it comes from a special hookworm from India and is spread to you from my feces.”
“Your what? Are you kidding? Eww!”
“Once we decided you were old enough and the situation became dire, I spread my infected feces on your bare feet.” As Mittens noticed the sickened look on Sidra’s face, she hurried to explain further. “Celia Smith, our boss and your former elementary principal—”
“Hey! I remember her. She was such a bitch to us kids. Once when I was crying, she—”
“Your ancient childhood history is not relevant here. Please keep in mind my lifespan is short, so if you keep interrupting—”
“Oh no! Your lifespan is the same even though you can talk? Oh, Mittens—”
“SATURN! And stop throwing me off here. I am trying to tell you about Celia’s life-changing trek through West Bengal, India. While on a vacation, attempting to improve her meditation technique, she noticed that a number of the women in a small village had beautiful skin with a youthful quality, even though some of them professed to be grandmothers. With further research into the village’s habits, she discovered that residents were not plagued with many of the diseases that we are, such as autism, celiac sensitivities, allergies, and rheumatoid arthritis.”
Sidra yawned.
“Problem, Ms. Allen?”
“This feels like a class, and I had plenty of those today.”
Mittens cleared her throat and continued. “ANYWAY! Upon further investigation, Celia found that these diseases and the youthful skin were achieved with the hookworm Necator bengalus, a distant cousin to our own hookworm, the one that plagues so many of my brethren, Necator americanus. She obtained some of the serum and smuggled two vials in her rectum through customs and into our country.”
“Ouch, damn!” Sidra exclaimed. “Go, Mrs. Smith!”
Mittens’ mouth turned downward in what Sidra thought was a frown of disapproval. “Um, yes. She is quite the fighter. She used the serum both in her face cream and injected it into her veins. As a result, her skin became that of a much younger woman’s and her body strength increased tenfold. Her arthritis disappeared, as did a number of other old-age ailments. She now looks to be much younger than her sixty-five years—”
“She’s only sixty-five now? I thought she was that old when I knew her in the first grade!”
“I assure you she was not. Celia is a beautiful woman who is an entrepreneur as well as a concerned citizen whose main goal is to save the world. So, anyway, she started a skincare company and made millions, and she also recruits beings such as you and me to help battle enemies to our world.”
“So does everyone she injects become a talking cat or a super teen?”
“No, my dear, this is where it becomes complicated. Remember that week I was missing a couple months ago?”
“Yes, I was thinking about that just a little while ago, when Mom went ballistic at the open door.”
“Well, at that time, I wandered almost as though compelled to a drainage pipe that brought me under the ground. The young man that you know as Smith was as the other end of this pipe, practically waiting for me. I jumped into his open arms and he brought me to the most fabulous redheaded woman, who injected me with this wonder-drug. Over the course of the next few days, we began to converse, and she instructed me to look for humans and other species that gave off a ‘vibe’ that would alert me to a special potential. I wandered the neighborhood a bit and instantly found a human with the quality she told me to seek.”
“Me?”
“No, my child, you weren’t discovered until a few days later.”
“Oh, you mean there is another person besides me that you are, uh, working with?”
“No, I actually refused to deal with this little brat, as she proceeded to scream ‘scat’ and kick at me when I approached. I passed this one by.”
“Oh boy, she doesn’t know what she’s missing.”
“I’m afraid that may not be true, Sidra, and if the other si
de discovers her, it may work to our severe disadvantage.”
“The underworld?”
“No, they are an enemy of this world, but there are other agencies, such as those in countries with opposing ideologies and the thought that releasing those monsters on our country will render us paralyzed—”
“Oh, wow! How am I going to compete against monsters and…and commies?” Sidra was not sure if they were still the enemy, but her history book from the 1980s said they were.
“Not only that, how are you going to compete against this possible enemy who is already an enemy of yours?”
Sidra paled. “Oh no, you mean…” She trailed off, too upset to utter the name.
Mittens supplied it.
“Venti.”
15
“Save the world, bahahaha,” Val muttered as Bella continued to count how many weird backwards leg lifts Val had to do to supposedly tone up her lost cause of a sagging ass. “C’mon, bitch! That hurts.”
“No pain, no gain! Rawr!!” Bella grunted like a demented bodybuilder might. She had on a cropped top and leggings that outlined a very muscular, tattoo-covered body. She coaxed ten more of the exercise out of Val and then ordered the same amount on the other side.
When they were finished, and Val was finally allowed to stand up and relax her aching muscles, she asked Bella, “So is this how you got all buff? Or did you just inject ‘roids with your heroin?”
“I quit using heroin several years ago after going to prison for distribution and intent to sell. I came out happier and healthier, especially after meeting Celia Smith, who got me into a special experimental program. She completely changed my life. She made sure I stayed clean, got me out of prison early, and gave me a direction in life.”
“What? As a homewrecker?” Even though it had been a couple of admittedly intense days, Val still was not completely forgiving or accepting of the new situation in which she found herself. Bella had moved in, miraculously paid Val’s remaining rent on her lease and some outstanding credit card bills, plus an old student loan. Val didn’t know how the hell Bella was able to find out all this information, but she allowed it. In return, she agreed to go along with the diet and exercise program and eventual induction into the program in which she would be known as Fireball. She didn’t quite believe it all and secretly thought that Bella was a total lunatic, but Val had nothing else going on right now. She was in transition. As far as the fire coming out of her fingertips, she figured that somehow Bella had drugged her, and she had hallucinated being sucked through her car air vents and fighting monsters. Well, one monster. The hallucination was further confirmed by the lack of horns in her Toyota’s trunk when she finally did remember to check on them. Losing my mind, of course, she thought. May as well join them since I can’t beat them. When she was able and willing, maybe she would get her brain checked by a neurologist. At the moment, she was living on Bella’s generosity—wherever that was coming from—a meager savings account, and fumes.
“No, not a homewrecker,” Bella mimicked. “I identify, recruit, and train losers such as you to become lean, mean, fighting machines.”
“Why not take someone from one of those health clubs that’s already in shape instead of mom-jean wearers like me? Why waste all that upfront time on the unwilling?”
Bella blew out a breath of frustration. “If only I could. Unfortunately, only a small part of the population responds to the treatment I have had, and an even smaller part is identified as having the ‘vibe’ that you have.”
“Huh? I have a vibe? How do you know?”
“I mentioned Celia Smith to you. She is the boss of this program.”
“Waaaaiit… I knew a Celia Smith. She was a mean-ass bitch I worked with. Rude, cold-hearted. Hated kids but worked with them. Typical elementary school principal.”
“Yes, she was a principal, but she retired. And she is not cold-hearted. Celia is a kind and caring woman.”
“Maybe now. But when I knew her, she was the meanest, cruelest—”
“People change, Fireball.”
“Not that much, Bella. Speaking of codenames, do you have one?”
“I am known as Special Agent Klein. I work for an international agency. No codename needed. Only the special fighter operatives have them.”
“So that’s what I am?”
“Not yet. You are an operative-in-training. If you don’t work out, then you won’t be promoted.”
“So what about that vibe you mentioned? Where does that come in?”
“As I was saying, I responded to a special treatment that Celia recruited me to try. Then she sent me out to recruit fighters, who we identify by a vibe they give off. I identified you several months ago while in the supermarket. You were with your kids and I passed by you. There it was, loud and clear, my first vibe in a long time. I was so excited, but a little upset to find out you had a family. Celia was excited. She remembered you, you know, as a tough counselor who fought for the kids you helped. We spied on you a bit and found that you had gotten soft, complacent, and developed a bit of fondness for food and alcohol. You also were turning a blind eye to your husband’s indiscretions, so I used all my charms and wiles to attract your all-the-way Ray and made him fall in love with me. Then he, well, you know the rest,” Bella smiled wryly at Val.
“Yes, I know, and thanks for bringing it up again. I can’t believe how you and that bitch Celia orchestrated all of this!”
“We did it for our country, for this planet, even.”
“But why break up my family?”
“You know the answer to this; we needed you unencumbered and free to commit to becoming a fighter. Once I discovered your vibe, I had to see what kind of powers you had. I’ve been injecting your Zinfandel with the serum and was thrilled to discover the—”
“What? The last vestige of sanity I have, and you’ve been corrupting that too? What the hell else have you been messing with? My vibrator? Pulled out the batteries or something? Replaced the tip with sandpaper?”
Bella chuckled. “Val, let me explain—”
“Replaced my Peet’s Major Dickason with Folgers instant? Is nothing sacred?”
“Val, the day when you battled Siran was the day I tested the effects of the serum. I have been sneaking in here for a while to prep you for that simulation. And you passed! You have the fire-power in your fingertips. You can help defeat the underworld and save the Earth!”
“So how does this fire-power work? Why aren’t I zipping and zapping every time I flip someone the bird in traffic? Now that would be the shit! I’d be setting you on fire right now if I could.”
“Thank heavens for the chain of command and our check and balance system, then. You see, Val, you, the fighter, and your guide—me—have a symbiotic relationship. I cannot keep working without you, and you cannot function without me. I keep your special powers flourishing and guide you to where you are needed in order to fight the elements that threaten national security.”
“Hey! Do I get paid for all this?”
“You will begin at entry level as a trainee. If you pass all of the training, you will receive a very nice salary and benefits package.”
“Is there a 401K plan?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact, there is.” Bella smiled at Val as she pumped her fist in the air.
“Girl, I am on board. Where do I sign on?”
“You are already on, Val. All you need to do is stick with me to the death.”
“Death?”
“Uh, just a figure of speech.”
“Good thing, Obi-Wan, because I want to be able to cash in that 401K one day.”
16
Simon was apprehensive about his next simulation. The first one scared the life out of him and he was worried about having an actual heart attack. Tanya and Jordan had finally convinced him that what he experienced was real and explained how they had felt the vibe when he admitted himself to the hospital with chest pains. Since Annie’s death, Simon had been sickly, not takin
g good care of himself as he had when she was alive. A shame, since he and Annie used to run five miles every day well into their forties and took long walks from their fifties until she became ill. He would take her dancing several times per month and they moved well together. They also dabbled in martial arts during their marriage, so Simon had not always been a fearful person. He used to be adventurous, but Annie’s death changed all of that. Tanya and Jordan knew they would need to build Simon’s confidence or he would be of no use to them or anyone else in a situation where lives were at stake.
“Look, man,” Jordan advised him. “I will be with you the entire time. Just not physically. In spirit, you know?”
Simon sat in the dining room chair, the one set aside for him to enter the other worlds; in this case, a simulation chamber.
“Is Smith in place, Tanya?” Jordan asked his wife.
“Affirmative, Agent Flowers,” she assured him.
“Thank you, Agent Flowers,” he responded. The two locked gazes, half smiles of love on their faces. In the short time he had known them, Simon discovered that they were deeply in love, not married too long, and were still in the honeymoon period. They reminded him of himself and Annie. Every day was magical in each other’s presence. Jordan even looked more like a man to Simon now, rather than a kid. He would forget how small the little man was, instead noticing his sense of humor, strength of character, and devotion to his wife. He was also, under the gentle insults, full of compassion for Simon. Maybe being the man he was brought out the devilish child, but whatever motivated Jordan, he was a hell of an individual, and Simon was already finding himself relying on him for friendship.