by Hayden Hunt
But there was still something on my mind, something I wasn’t sure if we were compatible on. I wanted to know if we were on the same page…
I heard the door creek and knew he must be getting home from work. Suddenly, I was much more nervous than I had been before.
“Hello?” he called out. “Jess, are you home?”
“In the bedroom!” I called out.
He walked in with a smile on his face. Even with his hair roughed up in a messy way and standing in his scrubs, he was positively gorgeous.
“Hey, babe, how was your day?” he asked, as he began taking his shoes off.
“Fine, fine,” I said with a shrug. “How about yours?”
“Ugh, hectic,” he groaned. “It was trauma after trauma. I barely got a lunch break at all. I’m exhausted.”
Okay, so he was tired. So maybe this wasn’t the best night to bring this up after all. Maybe I should just wait until…
No, no more waiting. I was just making excuses because I was nervous. I needed to just come out, say it, and deal with the reaction.
“Hey, so, I have something I kind of want to discuss with you,” I told him.
“Oh.” His face totally fell, making me more nervous. “Well, what is it?”
“This is going to sound weird…” I began slowly, “but sometimes, when we’re having sex I fantasize that you were able to actually put a baby in me. And I just can’t shake the idea of children out of my mind…”
“Oh, baby, that’s not that weird.” He said as he reached out and rubbed my back. “I understand. I mean, I really wish we could have biological children too.”
I sighed. “I mean, it just sucks that it’s going to be hard for us, you know? Straight people get to accidentally create life all the time. And you and I, no matter how much we want to, will never be able to do it on our own.”
“I know,” he said comfortingly, “but we’re gonna have our family one day, you know. It may not be easy, it may be complicated, and it certainly won’t happen accidentally, but… it still will happen for us.”
This was the first time we’d really discussed kids at length, which is really what I wanted to do. It was the point of this awkward conversation. “So, you definitely want to have children with me?”
“Oh, absolutely!” he said. “Whether that means adopting or using a surrogate…”
“It doesn’t matter to me. I just absolutely need to have a baby…”
He rubbed my head softly. “Then we’ll make it happen,” he said definitively. “Whatever it takes, we’ll have a baby one day.”
I smiled at him. “You know, when we were teenagers, I used to really fantasize about getting married and having a family with the white picket fence. And I thought to myself, why? Why do I fantasize about this so much? I hadn’t even ever met a girl I liked all that much. And I never was into big weddings or anything like that, so I think it was always just… the children. And how badly I want to be a dad.”
“And you’re going to make a great one, you know,” he said. “When the time comes, we’re going to have the perfect little family.”
Accidentally, he had brought up one of my worst fears and a giant insecurity.
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Am I sure that our family is going to be perfect…? Well, I mean—”
“No, are you sure I’m going to be a good dad?”
“Baby, yes, of course. How could you ever wonder that?” he asked.
“Because I don’t have the perfect parents. I mean, I have the mom who tries to be the perfect mom. Who will do anything to be appear to the world that she’s the most perfect mom. And yet, she can’t even accept me as I am. She’s completely abandoned me, and… and she’s the only mom I’ve ever known. So what if I… I don't know… accidentally mimic her behavior or something?”
He pulled me in close so that I’d lie on his body. We were still naked, so I lay on his bare chest. But, as sexy as it was, there were no sexual feelings attached this time. There was just intimate comfort.
“Baby, you are not going to be like your mother. You do not care what people think like she does—”
“Don’t I?” I asked. “Look what I did to you just because I was concerned with what people were going to think.”
He thought on this for a moment. “You grew up. You got older, wiser, and you fixed your mistakes. Has your mother ever done that? Has she ever grown? Has she ever tried to fix her mistakes?”
“No,” I admitted, because I’d never seen it. My mother would go to the grave swearing she was right on something that was totally and utterly unimportant.
“No, because you’re nothing like her. And you’re not mean-spirited like her. You don’t judge people like her. You’re kind, sweet, loving… everything that she isn’t. And you have absolutely nothing to worry about, because you will never, ever be like her.”
And for the first time since this fear had popped in to my head, I actually felt better. Because he was totally right. I wasn’t my mom. And I knew in my heart that I would never reject my kids the way she’d rejected me.
“I could never hurt them, you know?” I told him. “Our children. I know we don’t have them, and it's a long way off, but when we do, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be impossible for me to hurt them or break their hearts the way my mom did to me.”
“I know,” he said, “that’s exactly how I feel.”
I thought for a moment. “And I’m never going to hurt the feelings of any of their friends, either. The way my mom treated you when we were growing up… it was just so wrong. I don’t understand how an adult can be that cruel toward a child. You were so young, and you were struggling, and she just… she made you feel worse. She made you feel like an outcast when you already felt like one. It borders on evil. I will never, ever do that to my children’s friends. In fact, any time they have a friend over, they will always feel at home if I have anything to do with it.”
He smiled softly at me, staring at me for a while.
“What?” I asked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Oh, nothing, it’s just… you’re absolutely amazing, do you know that? You are this stunning, wonderful human being, and I love every bit of who you are. You are a fantastic partner, a great friend, and you’re going to make a wonderful father.”
I started to blush. I’d had a lot of friends in my life, and certainly a lot of girlfriends, and nobody else had ever said stuff like this to me. Nobody had ever looked at me the way he looked at me. He made me feel so special, like I truly mattered, like I was really something amazing in his eyes. And I knew firsthand just how rare that was. Every day of my life, I was going to appreciate that.
“Sometimes, I worry this is all going to end,” I told him suddenly. “Like, this all feels too good to be true, and… it just feels like it can’t last. I mean, does life ever just stay this good for people?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve never had life be this good, either. This is all new to me. I think we just have to wait and see. See if the feelings stay.”
This did little to assuage my fears. “Right… I guess that’s all we can do,” I nodded to him.
He pushed hair out of my face. “But, for what it's worth… yeah, I’m pretty sure some good things can stay. And I’m pretty sure these feelings between us are completely real. I think it’s going to last.” He gave me a soft kiss.
“I really, really hope you’re right about that.”
14
Aaron
I rolled over and looked at the love of my life, who was sleeping soundly next to me.
It was a normal thing, waking up to him, and it had been for the past year. God… a year, an entire year, it still was hard to believe it had been a year to the day since we’d become official.
This morning was also not like other mornings, though. This morning was going to be special. At least, I hoped it would be.
I counted my blessings every day for him. Him coming in to
my life had changed everything. He’d seriously revolutionized my life. I was a different, happier person because of him.
In the entire year we’d been together, we hadn’t fought once. Exactly like when we’d been young and best friends. There just never seemed to be any conflict. We were always on the same page.
It helped that we didn’t nitpick each other or look for things to get mad about. Because, sure, I could be irritated that he always washed the sheets in cold water even though I’d said a hundred times I liked it on hot. And he could be irritated that my towels never made it into the hamper or that I worked far too much.
But instead of tearing each other down over the little things, we lifted each other up. We supported each other. And it was amazing to have that support.
I wouldn’t say everything was exactly perfect. Jesse still hadn’t spoken to his parents, and while he tried to downplay it, I knew it hurt. How could it not? They were his parents. I was scared it was going to sting especially badly today.
But I’d done my best to be his family. And one day, when we were ready for kids, we’d have a family of our own.
He had become my home. My home was no longer the house that my aunt owned. My home was a person. I could be anywhere in the world with him, and I’d be happy.
And even though it’d only been a year, I knew it was forever. It was just one of those things. He had been my best friend for so long, I felt like I knew him, and I just absolutely knew he was going to be the one for me for the rest of my life. There never had been anyone else, there never would be.
He began to stir, grumbling like he always did when he was starting to wake up. He was so goddamn cute.
“Morning, sunshine,” I said, as I kissed the top of his head.
“Mmmm… morning,” he groaned, “what are you doing awake?”
It was unusual for me to be up early on weekends. I usually used the weekends as an opportunity to sleep in. But I’d been too antsy last night, I had barely been able to sleep.
“I have some plans for the day,” I smiled at him.
Then it clicked for him. “Oh, happy anniversary, babe!” He leaned in and kissed me.
“Happy anniversary,” I kissed him back, “now, go get dressed!”
He raised an eyebrow. “You made morning plans for our anniversary, really? Knowing me and the night owl I am?”
“I did. But don’t worry, you won’t regret getting up,” I promised him.
I was actually lying. I hadn’t made morning plans. My plan was to take him out in the evening, but I’d decided this morning that wasn’t going to work. I couldn’t wait all day to do this, I just couldn’t. I’d be a nervous wreck. I had to do it fast and early.
He showered and got dressed, and so did I. He looked absolutely stunning, done up from head to toe. I, on the other hand, barely fixed my hair and threw on some clothes. I was too nervous to worry about how I looked! Although, I probably should’ve been more concerned.
“You ready to go?” I asked him.
“Yep, where are we headed?”
“You’ll see,” I told him. “Here, you’ve got to put this on.” I took out a small blindfold, and the smile faded from him face.
“Babe, a blindfold? You’re kidding me, right?”
“I most certainly am not. You’re not going to know our destination until we’re there.”
He eyed me suspiciously. “Don’t you think you’re doing a little too much, here?” he questioned.
“Nope,” I said definitively, “because nothing is too much for my baby.”
He shook his head but allowed me to place the blindfold on him. After I did, I grabbed his hand and guided him through the hallway, out the front door, and into the car.
He was adorable the whole time. He kept taking these small, tiny baby steps and putting the hand that I wasn’t holding out in front of him nervously.
“This is, like, really anxiety-inducing, you know?!” he told me.
“You’re doing just fine,” I told him, “and it’ll be better once you’re just seated in the car.”
And I was right about that. Once we were in the car, it was no big deal. We made casual conversation like we always did. It wasn’t much of an impairment that he couldn’t see.
But once we reached our destination, and I had to take him back out of the car, he went back to looking adorably nervous.
I led him up a short grassy hill, which made him uneasy, but there was no other way to take him where I wanted to go. I walked him across the grass and then finally sat him down on a bench.
“Okay… so, I’m sitting, does that mean I can take the blindfold off now?” he asked.
“Sure,” I said, as I sat down next to him, “take it off whenever you want.”
He did, and confusion set across his face as he looked out at the lake.
“You took me… to the lake?”
“I did,” I took in a deep breath and prepared to say my speech. “Babe, I know this might seem fast, like it’s too soon—”
“What’s too soon?” he interrupted me nervously.
I laughed. “Just... just let me finish, okay? I know this is fast, but I have no doubt in my mind that I am doing the right thing. This past year has been the absolute best year of my life. And all the other best years of my life were the years I was best friends with you. You have been my confidant, my lover, and my very best friend. And here at this lake, during one of our long talks, was where I realized I was in love with you. I didn’t tell you, I wasn’t ready to, but I knew. You were the only person I was ever going to love in my life. You are my everything. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
I got off the park bench and got down on one knee, causing him to gasp in shock. I pulled a small ring box out of my pocket and opened it to expose a glittering diamond engagement ring.
“Jesse, will you marry me?” I finally asked.
“YES!” he shouted at the top of his lungs as he lunged toward me and wrapped his arms tightly around my neck. “Baby, yes, of course I’ll marry you!”
I’d known he'd say yes, but it still made my heart absolutely soar. I wiped a tear that was forming in the corner of my eye as he began to loosen his grip on me and pull away. I grabbed the ring out of the box and took his hand, preparing to slide it on his finger.
“Wait!” he said suddenly, catching me off guard.
“Uh, what?” I asked.
“I, uh, I have one condition, actually.”
My heart sank. “One… condition?” I asked.
“I don’t think it’ll be a problem, but, uh… babies,” he blurted out.
I still wasn’t following what she meant. “What?”
“Babies. I just… I need babies. I need babies, like now.”
I laughed. “Seriously?” We had obviously talked about having kids and were both very on board, but we hadn’t discussed a timeline yet. And he hadn’t made it obvious that it was an urgent need.
“I know, this might seem like it’s totally out of left field, but I swear it isn't, because I just… I want and need babies! And I’m happy with you, and I love our life together. But sometimes we’re lying on the couch, and I can’t help but think something is missing… that there should be a baby in between us. I don’t want to change our life, I just… I want to add to it. I desperately need to add to it.”
“Babies…” I repeated slowly.
“Babies,” he said again, definitively.
“Then babies it is,” I told him with a soft smile. I hadn’t thought about a timeline too much for myself, but I was financially ready. Our relationship was stable, so I couldn’t see any reason not to start now.
“Really?!” he squealed, even louder than a moment ago when I’d asked him to marry me.
“Of course. We’ll get started on having a million babies right away.”
Now it was he who was teary-eyed, and he hugged and kissed me one more time.
“Baby, thank you,” he said softly, “and not just for prop
osing. But for always supporting me. For being there for me no matter what, for giving me absolutely everything I need, for fostering my dreams and making them a reality whenever you can. You are absolutely amazing. I can’t imagine my life without you. I just… I don't know how I even survived.”
“Me, either,” I said, as I pulled him close. “Life before you was just… well, it lacked love. And it lacked passion. And having you as a companion has been the best thing to ever happen to me. And I can't wait for us to start our lives together.”
We held each other for a moment before sitting back down on the bench. He leaned his head into my shoulder, and I wrapped my arm around him as we stared out at the lake.
This was where I’d first loved him, and this is where I’d made the choice to keep him for the rest of my life.
Epilogue
Jesse
In an instant, my life had completely changed.
I looked at my phone. I had just hung up from the most important phone call I’ll ever receive.
I had never felt like this before. You never knew how you were going to react to the news that you were going to be a parent until it finally happened to you. I thought I’d be afraid…
But I hadn’t felt scared at all. I’d actually been more anxious waiting to pick up the phone after seeing it was our adoption agency. But after hanging up and hearing that I was officially going to be a Dad, I was totally at peace.
This is what I had wanted all my life. Of course, when I’d been young, I’d imagined I’d have the picture perfect family and the white picket fence with a wife. I’d never imagined it would be with a husband, or that we’d be considered unconventional.
But, you know what? Screw that. We were not unconventional. We were a normal, traditional family in my eyes. The fact that we were two men instead of a man and a woman meant nothing. We still went through the same things that every married couple did.