EXPELLED. THE words pulled me down, like I was in a, stormy ocean and I didn’t have a life jacket on. Tess was expelled for attacking Jaimie. She had messed up one to many times and this was just the big fat sucky ass cherry on top. I sat in the desk chair and watched, sadly, as Tess put all her belongings into her suitcases. She and Zach broke up after the incident and now she was being forced to go back home to people she hated. Why people always jumped to my defense like I was helpless was beyond me. I was perfectly capable of fighting my own battles, I had been taking care of myself all my life but since I came here, people felt the need to leap into altercations for me and because of this one, I was losing my roommate.
“What am I going to do without you?” I asked quietly. We hadn’t spoken much about what happened, it was all too fresh painful. Charlie had cheated on me and Jaimie had gotten knocked up in the process. I felt like my life was a bad soap opera. Tess let out a sigh and momentarily paused her packing.
“You could always come with me, we could both get our GED’s and move to Portland. I mean, that was the plan anyway, wasn’t it? After graduation we all move to Portland, I was going to cosmetology school and you were going to college? We can still do that Ash, me getting kicked out doesn’t change much.” I rolled the idea around in my head. I could just say screw it and drop out. Tess and I could get a place and everything would be fine. Except that I wanted my diploma, it was important to me, and everything wasn’t fine because I had lost Charlie and I wasn’t sure if things would be fine again without him.
TESS MOVED out the next day and our room, that we had shared all these months together, had never looked more depressing. I remember when she first walked into our room, and eyed me up and down and swore that we would be BFF’s. At the time I thought she was crazy, now I wish she wasn’t leaving. Noah and I hugged her goodbye as she got into the car that her parents had sent and drove away. Now that Charlie and I were on the outs with no hopes of rekindling and Tess was gone, even though we talked on the phone and texted every day, I felt like all I had now was Noah and I clung to him like a lifeline. We spent the majority of the day together at school, he was outside all my classes waiting for me. So was Charlie, but I ignored him every day and walked away from him with Noah. I had even gone the extent and changed my cell phone number so that Charlie could not contact me anymore. Seeing him every day broke my heart. I used to like the fact that our lockers were so close to each other’s, now it was just a reminder of what I had lost. It was at our lockers that we had met for the first time and now every time I was at mine, he would leave his locker open so I would see all the pictures and mementos of us still taped inside of his. I had removed everything from mine. He was still holding on to some kind of false hope that if that baby Jaimie was caring wasn’t his that we could somehow go back, but even if the baby didn’t turn out to be his, how in the hell could we ever go back when he had done the one and only thing I asked him not to do. He had put this stupid promise ring on my finger and swore to be faithful after he had already cheated. I took off the promise ring and his C that was around my neck. I put his hockey sweater and everything else in a box and asked Noah to give it to him. Yeah it was a little childish thing to do but I did not want the things and to be honest, I did want to make him feel bad even though it was obvious that he already was.
Noah did his best every day to cheer me up but it was no use, I was like a black cloud everywhere I went; not caring about anyone or anything and eventually he just stopped trying. We still hung out but we were just going through the motions. One day after school we had gone for a spring walk when I decided to ask him a question.
“Noah, why don’t you try and date somebody. I appreciate you being such a good friend to me but I can’t help but feel like I am holding you back from living your life. I hereby release you from Ashton babysitting duty. I promise I am not going to fall apart.”
He chuckled and wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close. I leaned into his warm side as we continued to walk. “You’re not holding me back Ash, I am happy being here with you.”
I didn’t want to say my next words but I needed him to know. “Noah, just because Charlie and I broke up doesn’t mean you and I are going to be together.”
He let out a sigh and kissed the top of my head. “I know that Ash and I am okay with it. I think I am moving on, I think I am beginning to have feelings for someone else, believe it or not.”
I glanced up and looked at his handsome face. “Really? Noah that’s awesome, who’s the lucky girl?”
He looked straight ahead with a dreamy look, as if the image of this girl was already floating around in his mind. “I am not saying anything just yet, only time will tell.”
Time, it had begun to tick by so slowly for me and every day was still so painful. Bottom line was I missed Charlie, he was the source of my pain but also the only one that could take it away, so it was a stalemate. I was damned either way, with or without him.
DESPERATE TIMES called for desperate measures and that’s all there was to it. I was fucking desperate. Ashton was ripping my heart out….no I had done that all myself, but every day she added salt to the wound. She changed her number so I couldn’t call or text and when gave me the box, filled with all the items that depicted our relationship, I about crumpled to the ground and cried like a fucking baby. I still wore her A around my neck because she still completely and utterly owned me, mind, body, and soul. So if desperation was all I had to cling to then, so be it.
I had snuck into Ashton’s dorm room window a couple times over the last few months but this time I was doing it without her knowledge and I had no idea how she would react, all I knew was that I had to try. Crouching down below the windowsill, I lightly taped on the glass. It was dark in her room but the blinds parted slightly as she peered out. She looked all around before her eyes landed on me. She scowled and opened the window just a crack.
She whispered. “What do you think you are doing Charlie? Get the hell out of here before I get into trouble.”
“No Ashton, we need to talk, please.”
“I have nothing to say to you.”
“Well I am not leaving until you let me in.” She looked exhausted; she had dark circles under her eyes that matched my own and I swear she had lost some weight. I could tell she didn’t want to do this, she was battling inside, but she reluctantly gave in and opened the window, allowing me to crawl inside. The room was dark but even in the dark I could see how empty it was without Tess. Ashton was dressed in grey baggy sweat pants and a white tank top, her long blond hair was pulled into a tight ponytail that highlighted her neck. She stood there with her arms crossed and I swear I could feel her anger radiating off her body.
“I’m sorry, I know you probably don’t believe me or don’t want to hear it but I am. That night Ashton I swear I didn’t even see Jaimie. Cam had got me drunk and I had passed out in the guest room alone. I would never cheat on you, I love you.”
“But you did Charlie, you did cheat on me and now she is pregnant.”
I ran my hand over my hair that was becoming longer and more shaggy then I had ever kept it before. “It just doesn’t make sense I fell asleep alone and woke up with her and… it just doesn’t add up.”
“I don’t want to hear about it anymore, it makes me physically sick to think about you and her together. It’s over, it happened and I need to move on with my life.” Hearing her words slashed my heart, she wanted to move on and forget all about us, she wanted to move on and find someone else to love her and kiss her. I had messed up and lost that right, but in this moment, it’s all I could think about; how long it had been since my lips were on hers. I needed it one more time, like I needed my next breath.
“If I had known the last time I kissed you was going to be the last time ever, I never would have stopped.” Before she could refuse, I clasped her face in my hands and kissed her lips.
At first she struggled and pushed me away. “Don’t Charlie, get away from me.�
� She beat on my chest and I let her. When she was out of breath and spent from her assault on me, I kissed her again and this time I got a completely different reaction. She kissed me back with so much force I thought she was going to suck the life right out of me. Her hands went to my hair and tugged. I growled into her mouth, biting her bottom lip. Our tongues tangled and lashed against one another’s and it was the only time in the past few days that I had not been in pure hell. Her hands went up the back of my shirt and touched my skin. I wanted her so much, no I needed her so much. Just when I thought she had gotten as lost as I had she stopped and stepped away from me, her eyes were wild but sad at the same time.
“Don’t stop, come here, I need you so much.”
She held her hand up, halting me in my tracks. She traced her swollen lips with her fingers for a moment before wiping the evidence of our kiss off her mouth as if it disgusted her.
“Leave now Charlie.”
“Baby please don’t do this, your breaking my heart.”
Her eyes went from sad to angry the moment the panicked words left my lips. “I’m breaking your heart? Don’t forget that this is all your fault. You did this!! You broke us! What we had is gone and we can never get it back. My heart is dust Charlie so don’t stand here and cry to me about how I am breaking yours because it doesn’t even come close to how ruined mine is.” Her words hit me hard. I absolutely despised feeling this way. “Just leave.” She turned and left me standing alone in her room. I heard the shower turn on in the bathroom and knew she had gone in there to cry. I wanted so much to go to her and make her feel better, I wanted her to hit me or yell at me some more, anything to get it out. But that would only hurt her more so I did as she asked and left her room the exact same way I came in.
Ashton never talked to me again after that night. Days passed. She was like a zombie at school, her body was there but if you really looked at her you could tell she was a million miles away. I tried to keep my distance, I really did, but every day, when she was right next to me, it was so hard to take my eyes off of her. When I found myself at my locker the same time as her, all I wanted to do was walk the few short steps and scoop her up in my arms and never let her go. I knew without a doubt that this was the most pain I had ever experienced in my life.
Ashton never called my phone anymore but it still rang constantly. It was always either my dad, Jaimie or Cam. I wasn’t interested in talking to any of them. Jaimie was the most persistent, she wanted me to go to doctor appointments, and shopping, and parenting classes. It all made me want to jump in my truck and get the hell out of town. I still planned on moving to Portland after graduation and playing for the Pirates. I would move into the apartment I had found, that was supposed to be for Ashton and I, only now I would be going it alone and the thought depressed me like nothing before. I had turned my phone off and was lying on my bed starring at the ceiling. My chest hurt and I couldn’t focus on anything without thinking of Ashton. A knock at my bedroom door broke me out of my personal pity party. Mom slowly opened it and peeked inside.
“Cameron is here to see you sweetie, he says it’s really important.” Cam had called and texted, but I had meant what I said about our friendship being over. I didn’t need the guy in my life, all he brought to it was negativity.
“I don’t want to see him mom, just tell him to go.”
She glanced at the ground and then back at me. “I think you should hear him out, he has something to show you.” With that, she left my doorway, a short moment later Cam took the space my mom had just vacated.
“Hey man,” he said before sitting down at my computer desk and opening my laptop.
“What the hell do you want Cam?” He produced an iPad from the bag he had carried in and was hooking it up to my laptop.
“I have been trying to call you. Ever since that day you left my house, I have been racking my brain trying to figure out a way to make this right. I know that what I did was fucked up and you have every right to never talk to me again but I have to show you this.” He pressed a few buttons and opened several screens. I stood from my bed, walked over to my desk and stood behind him. When the security camera footage from Cams house appeared on my screen I felt my stomach flip flop.
He turned in my desk chair and faced me. “You remember that one raging party I threw my senior year? When the cops were called and everything? Remember I said I wanted to be like the movie Project X?” I nodded my head, I remembered; it had been a hell of a party.
“Well after that, there was so much damage to the house and things of my parents got ripped off, that my old man decided to install these damn cameras on the outside… and inside of our house. I had forgotten all about them, you know me, I don’t really care…”
I began to see where he was going with all this. “So you have video footage of that night? Of Jaimie and me?”
He nodded, “yeah, I had to search through so much footage but I finally found it. It took me forever and then you wouldn’t answer my calls so all this could have been resolved a while ago.”
“What’s there to resolve dude? The last thing I need is to see Jaimie and me that night. It was the biggest mistake of my life, I don’t need a fucking memento.”
He shook his head and laughed. “That’s just it man, nothing happened.”
I heard him and it was like a shock to my system that had been dead ever since the day I lost Ashton. “Show me.”
I sat down next to him as the footage began to play. We sat and watched an empty room, then we see Cam and I enter. We talk for a couple minutes before he leaves and I look like I am sleeping. Cam then fast forwards through two hours of footage where I am all alone in the room, just like I had thought I was. Then he presses play again when Jaimie enters. Even though he told me nothing happened I still got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I saw her come in. She sits on the bed and looks like she is trying to talk to me or wake me up. I am dead to the world. She paces around the room for a little while before taking her cell out and making a call, she stays on the phone only for about five minutes. She ends the calls and looks at me for a long time. I am still sleeping, completely out cold, then she digs into her purse and produces the condoms. She tears them both open and places them on the nightstand next to her. Then she takes her clothes off until she is only in her underwear, crawls into bed with me and turns out the light. Cam then fast forwards to me waking up. Nothing happened. She had staged the entire thing and made me think I had slept with her when really I was fast asleep the entire time. I hadn’t cheated. I had proof and now I was going to get Ashton back. I knew Jaimie was off her rocker a little and taking the whole crush on me thing to another level, but this was going way too far. And one thing still didn’t make sense, who had she been talking to before she went through with her little plan? There was no audio on the footage Cam gave me but that didn’t matter, all that mattered was that I was going to show this to Ashton and she was going to be mine again.
Cam copied the video onto my laptop and then rose from the desk chair. He smiled at me and clasped me on the shoulder. “You know me man, I would never intentionally hurt you, I am just a dumbass sometimes. I am just glad that this one time I was able to make it right again…..friends?” He asked raising his eye brows at me warily.
I gave him the first smile I had smiled in in a long time. “Yeah man, friends.”
GRADUATION WAS approaching and I could barely believe it. I was going to be a high school graduate. When I come here, all those months ago, I had been running away. I was getting out of my terrible life and searching and hoping to find one that was better here… and I had. As soon as my new journey had begun, now it was close to ending and I would be starting yet another new chapter, only this time I was running towards something. I only wished I would be starting the new adventure with Charlie.
All the seniors had to meet and get measured for their graduation cap and gowns. Entering the room, I quickly found Noah and attached myself to his side. He smiled his h
andsome smile at me and slung his arms around my shoulders.
“You ready for this Ash? We are graduating.” His excitement was cute.
I gave my friend a small smile. “Yeah I am ready.” I wasn’t sure if I was but I knew I needed to try to be. Then it was like a cloud covered me, my whole body tensed, chills ran up and down my back and all over my arms. I didn’t have to see him, I could feel him. Charlie had entered the room and he was close to me. So I did the only thing I could, I buried my face in Noah’s arm and silently hoped he would go away.
“Ash, I really need to talk to you.” Why was even his voice attractive to me? He stood behind us but I didn’t turn to face him, just clung to Noah tighter.
“I don’t want to hear it Charlie, we said all there was to say.” He was quiet for a moment before speaking again.
“Fine. Noah, I need to talk to you, can you meet me after school?” I removed my face from Noah’s side and glanced up at him. His brow was furrowed in confusion as he looked at Charlie. He found my eyes and gave a little shrug with his shoulders
“Uh yeah sure I guess.”
“Good, meet me at my house.” And with that I heard Charlie’s footsteps as he walked away.
“What’s this all about?” Noah questioned me.
I just shook my head back and forth. “I have no idea.”
When I got back to the dorms, I dialed Dee at the café but was told that she went home sick for the day. So I dialed her house phone but got no answer there either, maybe she was at Fred’s house. I was a little bummed I didn’t have his home number, I really needed to talk to her. Slumping down on what used to be Tess’s bed, I dialed her instead.
“What it doo shawty?”
I laughed at her greeting. “Okay so something weird happened today.”
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