by ChaShiree M.
“Parker. Parker. Ahhhhhhh.”
“Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.” We come together, head to counter, head to back. I fall to the floor pulling her with me.
“You ok baby?”
“I am now. I missed you.” She tells me kissing me. This kiss is like the ones we used to have. Full of passion and longing. But certainly not devoid of lust and desire.
“I missed you too baby. Is that why you have been so distant? Even with our phone conversations.” She doesn’t answer. Her head just lays on my shoulder. I know I could push this, and I should. But right now, I don’t.
“I don’t have to be back home tomorrow until later. So, what do you want to do after brunch with my folks?” As soon as I say the word ‘brunch’ she tenses up in my arms and gets off the floor.
This is what I am talking about.
3
Felicity
Crap. I forgot all about the damn brunch with his parent’s tomorrow. I walk into the kitchen to get some water while I try to figure a way out of it. I can hear him shuffling around in the bedroom looking for his pajama bottoms he keeps here.
I have told him over and over again, that brunch is not my thing. I know he figured I should be ok with it seeing as how my sister and Brad and the kids are always there as well and he should be right. But he isn’t. It’s not that there's anything wrong with his family. On the contrary, they are amazing. His dad and mom are smart, educated, worth more than I will ever make in my life and they seem pretty cool and down to earth.
No, the issue is me. I don’t fit in. I am not like Cinn and I can tell his mom knows it. I mean hell, she can’t really miss it with the tattoos and nose piercing. They talk about things I could care less about. Eat food not really on my menu of favorites and the vacations they plan for the family is not my idea of fun. I began going initially because I thought we really had a chance. But now, after having more time to think, seeing him in his element during the one black tie affair I went to with him and realizing that there are other girls more suited for him, I am not going to do that to myself anymore.
Damn it, I have to figure out how to get out of this. I turn to put my cup in the sink and look at the calendar. Yes. Oh my gosh. I forgot it was tomorrow.
My calendar has just showed me that tomorrow I have a cancer survivor coming with her bridal party tomorrow to shop for her dress and to get their nails and hair done. Perfect. I am about to go into the room and tell him when he comes into the kitchen. I notice he is fully dressed. My skin begins to itch as it becomes painfully clear he will not be staying the night.
“Parker, why aren’t you in your pjs? Why do you have your clothes on?”
“It’s obvious you from the way you got up when I mentioned brunch, that you don’t want to go. This hot and cold thing you have going on is getting old, Felicity.” Ouch. He used my whole first name. That is never good. “So, what is it this time? Why can’t you come to brunch?”
I resent the way he makes it sound like I am just looking for ways to get out of it. I mean I guess technically I am. But when he says it, it sounds so...wrong.
“It is not like I am making excuses Parker. You know I run a business. Sundays are the days that count. The days that I do the most good. You said you would support my dream. Well, my dream happens to fall on a Sunday.” I don’t know why I feel so betrayed right now. He says he loves me. That he wants what I want. Well what about what I don’t want? Great! Now I just feel like I am throwing a tantrum.
“I get that Felicity. I do. I couldn’t be prouder of you. But you know as well as I do, that you could have one of your employees work it for the few hours on Sundays when we have brunch and go straight there after. You choose to do it yourself, so you can have an excuse. And you know what, I am done fighting with you about it. I ask you what’s wrong, you brush me off. I ask you to tell me why you don't want to come, you make excuses. I tell you how important it is to me and my family, you patronize me. It’s fine. You win Felicity. You don’t have to be any more involved in my family than you accuse them of wanting to be in with you. Though it couldn’t be further from the truth. But you don’t give anyone the chance. Have a good time tomorrow. Good night.”
I know I must look comical with my mouth hanging open. But to say I am in shock is an understatement. He has never talked to me like that before. The hurt I heard in his voice is almost enough to have me run after him and apologize. Almost. I hate to think I really hurt him. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I love him so much. It’s even more poignant that everything he said is true.
I don’t know what it is. It’s not that I don’t want to try to make it work, but I guess I am so used to self-sabotage, that I don't know how to turn it off. I talked to Cinn about it and she told me to give them a chance. She said his mother wasn’t how I think.
I look at my phone and though my heart is telling me to pick up the phone and demand he bring his ass back here, I just ...can't. Maybe we need this time apart. Some time to think about things. Really think about things. I know I am the one who needs to think the most, but if I am honest, whether we like it or not, some things are going to change regardless, and it would be good to know we know where we stand. I have had my suspicions about it for a little bit, but until I know what I want to, I am pretending it is not happening.
At some point, I have to admit the truth about everything to myself, before it is too late.
Fuck. Maybe Cinnamon is right. I have to find a way to overcome this. But how?
4
Parker
I have been standing outside of my parents’ front door for the past ten minutes. On one hand I am so fucking pissed at her right now. On the other hand, I don’t want my parents thinking bad shit about her. They would never say anything untoward about her. It's just not their way. Doesn’t stop people from thinking things through. “Well might as well get it over with,” I think walking inside.
“Parker. Darling so happy to see you.” She says giving me a hug. She tries being discreet as she looks behind me for Lissi. “Come darling. Your brother and Cinnamon are already here.” Her not so subtle way of telling me I am late.
“Sorry mom.” I say kissing her cheek. Thankfully when we walk inside, everyone is engaged in conversation. My dad is playing with my niece as Cinnamon rocks the baby.
“Parker. So good to see you.” She always greets me like it has been forever. “Where is my sister?” I look at my mother from the corner of my eye noting she is looking directly at me.
“She had an appointment at the shop today. A bridal party for one of the survivors.” I address the whole table when I answer the question.
“Oh.” Cinnamon answers plainly looking a bit confused. I want to tell her to join the club, but now is not the time.
“Well it's a pity really. I wanted us all to discuss the family vacation today. I suppose you can relay all of the information. Right Parker?” My mom says. I nod at her, not totally looking at her. “It is, however, admirable what she is doing. I was just telling the ladies about it at my last charity meeting. They are very interested in perhaps, donating money to the cause. Perhaps you can bring it up?”
“Yes mom. I will bring it up to her.” My mind is whirling through, because I know my mom offered to invest and bring it to one of her charities as a possible cause to donate to. Felicity turned her down. Neither of them know that I know about it. My father told me, but swore me to secrecy, because my mom didn’t want it to cause issues between Felicity and I. which begs the question: What makes her think she will take it from me?
The rest of brunch goes by without mentioning Lissi once. We discuss the family vacation to Martha’s Vineyard versus going to Hawaii. We discuss the upcoming sunflower picnic my mom puts on every year. We laughed and talked and played with the kids. It was very pleasant. But I still found myself thinking about Lissi and her choice to not be a part of my family. I must have been ruminating not as discreetly as I thought.
“You want to talk about it?”
My mom asks walking up beside me.
“Talk about what?” I feign ignorance. It's better than the alternative.
“Parker, I know some women in my position, had nannies and such raising their children. Hence the reason their kids are not around, and they have no relationship. That is not this family. I know my boys. Something is bothering you. Now tell mama.” I look at her about to deny anything is wrong, when I find myself simply saying, “I don’t think it's going to work, and I don’t know what to do.” Sue me. Have you ever tried not telling my mom about something?
“My sweet boy. Listen to me. I like Felicity. Believe me I do. She is gutsy, a go getter, she doesn’t care what people think of her and I admire the hell out of what she is doing for women. With that being said, I am not sure she is for you.”
“That’s just it, mama. She is perfect for me. I don’t need some socialite that knows how to smile for the cameras and says what is expected of her. I would be bored out of my mind.”
“I know that. But I also know how important family is to you. Can you be with someone who wants nothing to do with yours?” That is a question I have found myself asking a lot when it comes to Lissi. “I don’t know if you know this, but when I found out about the charity work, she does for Breast cancer survivors, I offered to become an investor and to put on a fundraiser for her to the tune of $50,000 on behalf of Women Unite Inc. When I said I was impressed, I meant it. Do you know she turned me down? Told me no thank you and walked away. Now of course she was polite about it, but I got the hidden message. Are you sure you are not missing it?” Her question stings and I have no comeback for that. “I cannot live your life for you, Parker. But my momma always told me, when a person tells you they are not good for you, believe them. I feel she is trying to tell you something when she pushes back at you. Perhaps it is time to listen.” She says that, basically knocking down the last remaining wall I had up, that was holding my doubts at bay, and walked away.”
“I don’t agree with her.” I turn to Cinn, who is looking concerned and ready to go to bat for her sister as she cradles my nephew.
“Which part?” I am curious to know her take on this. As her sister, she has insight I don’t.
“The part about her not being right for you. I know my sister is difficult and she often pushes you away, but that is her fear. She is so used to people judging her and hurting her with their assumptions, that she developed a defense by pushing first. She loves you Parker. I know it, you know, and she definitely knows it. She is just scared that she isn't good enough for you or your family. Be patient with her.”
I hear what she is saying, but damn. It’s been two years. How much more time and how many ways can I show her before she believes me.
“With all due respect Cinn, it has been two years. If she doesn’t believe in us by now, maybe it’s just...time to move on.” I turn and walk away tired of talking about this. After saying goodbye to everyone, I get in my car and find myself driving to Atlanta a few days early.
Maybe some time away is what I need. Just wish I knew what else she needed to believe in us.
5
Felicity
Walking in Sunday morning, I feel like death. I didn’t sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about Parker. Part of me wanted him to call me, but the other part didn’t. My mind and heart are at odds and it shows in how little sleep I am getting. This morning didn’t help. I shudder thinking about the morning’s escapades. Ugh.
Luckily, this is my favorite day of the week. The day when I get to do the most good. Today, I am meeting with Marilyn. She is a survivor who has been cancer free for the past three months and she is getting married next week. She heard about what my shop does and decided to book her bridal shower here, in conjunction with getting her dress and hair from here.
I make it to the shop with five minutes to spare and I am just finishing up the set up with the other vendors when she and her party arrive.
“Ladies. Welcome. You must be Marilyn. I am so happy to meet you. Congratulations on your wedding.” I say hugging her.
“Thank you so much. I am so excited to be here. I have heard great things about your shop from some of the other ladies I went through chemo with.” This makes me feel so good.
“Aww! Thank you! It is more than my pleasure. So, what would you ladies like to start with?” I show them some options and they all decided to start with massages. This is great because it gives me a chance to get their snacks set up. I am just getting their mimosas poured when Marilyn comes over.
“Wow. Everything looks fantastic. Thank you so much Felicity. It looks perfect.”
“I am so glad you like it. Normally I ask about the groom because I send home a gift for him, but I forgot to ask when we talked. I can still get one together for him. What’s his name?”
“Stockton.” she answers with a blush. I smirk at her.
“How did you two meet?”
“Believe it or not, he was my nurse during chemo. At the hospital I went to, you get assigned a nurse on your first day, and this is the one that stays with you throughout your treatment. They come with you to all of your appointments, follow-ups and all of your treatments. He was the constant. The thing that never wavered. Even when I was throwing up during treatment. Or when I was as pale as a ghost. When it was over, and I was declared in remission, he asked me out. He told me since I was no longer his patient, he could do what he had been wanting to do the whole time. Then he kissed.” So, freaking sweet. I can feel my eyes welling up.
“Wow. That is amazing. So, you just said yes? No doubt, no hesitation.” Knowing myself, I would have had numerous objections to this.
“None. I had just overcome ‘death’ in a sense, and I promised myself and God, that if he lets me live, I would really LIVE.” I wish I was this brave. But then again, when you have been through what she has. “He saw me at my absolute worst and he still loves me. What more should I be worried about?” she shrugs her shoulders, smile spreading across her face.
“Tell me about your guy.” I look up surprised.
“What makes you think I have a guy?”
“It's in the way you asked. I can tell a woman not sure about her heart. So, tell me about him.” I normally don’t want to talk about Parker and myself, but something about Marilyn makes me comfortable.
“He is great. He’s going to school to be an architect. He is funny, sweet, smart, so sexy and he loves me. That is the part I am having an issue with. The part where he loves me. I don’t get it. His family is money. Old money. All so sophisticated, well known and respected. I am... nobody. Look at me. Covered in tats, and piercings. No college degree and definitely not refined. He is too good for me and I know it. It’s only a matter of time before he knows it too.” There. I said it. The weight that has been lifted off of me, is enormous. Who knew saying it out loud could feel so good, but hurt so much? But the truth is the truth.
“Oh, dear heart. Look around you. You did this. I am standing in one of the most beautiful tattoo parlors I have ever seen. It is filled with images of self-expression but also, I am looking at evidence of your love and passion. You single handedly give women like me, that have undergone some of the worst things we could imagine, a place to come and reclaim our love for our bodies. Not to mention, the vendors you have gone into business with to make all our other dreams a reality. What about any of that, makes you less than?” Well shit. When she puts it like that? “If you love him, I think you should share your fears with him. Like really share it. He will surprise you.”
She walks away from me leaving me to ponder my own stupidity. Don’t misunderstand, I know I am the one destroying this relationship, I am not disputing that. I am just wondering if maybe I haven’t been giving myself enough credit for all I have accomplished. To me, nothing would measure up to him being an architect. But maybe I need to stop comparing us and start being proud of myself.
Marilyn and her party continue on with everything they had planned. She finds the wig she
wants to wear for her wedding. I must say, I love it. It reminds me of the hairstyle Grace Kelly had when she married Prince Rainier. Regal and graceful. Afterward, the BABC rep showed up and she found her dress thanks to a generous bride. They enjoyed the snacks and desserts and had a great time.
By the time I close up and get everything cleaned up, I am freaking exhausted and I miss Parker. Pulling out my phone, I shoot him a text asking him how brunch went. Closing up and walking to the car, I legit feel like I could pass out. Crap. I haven't eaten all day. Damn it. I am way too tired to eat anything. But I have no choice.
After taking a shower to relax my muscles, I make a sandwich. It is while I am washing out the plate, that I realize Parker never texted me back or called. My heart is yelling at me, as it slowly chips away. Remnants of Parker slowly fading in my mind. Stop judging me. I have always been dramatic. But seriously, I stand in the middle of the kitchen realizing that Parker might be what has been keeping me from falling apart.
Have I pushed him too far?
6
Parker
Shit. I am exhausted. Driving down the Atlanta from brunch yesterday without taking time to relax is getting to me. Especially since I didn’t sleep the whole night before after leaving Lissi’s place. My good friend Garrett is getting married this afternoon and as the best man, it is my duty to make sure it goes off without a hitch. When he sent me the invitation two months ago, my initial instinct was of course to ask Lissi to come with me. I stopped myself because I knew she would just say no and then it would ensue into an argument.
I never understood why she didn’t want to participate in functions and things when put on by the people in my life. She would always beg off or simply not respond. After a while, I stopped asking and it doesn’t seem to bother her. Now I am starting to think my mom might be right. She doesn’t want to be a part of my life. Not in any real way. A way that would find us sharing our lives together. A family.