by Jaclyn Quinn
“No,” Jake whispered as he hung his head, feeling his world spin out of control for the second time that day. This couldn’t be happening. He’d just talked to both of them yesterday. He felt like he was in a nightmare, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t wake up. Oh God, the boys. What am I going to tell them?
His entire world imploded in the few seconds it took the drunk driver to run the red light and push Kevin and Maggie’s car into oncoming traffic. He didn’t know if the fucker made it. Maybe it was better he didn’t know because Jake felt rage and pain so deep he didn’t trust himself to be around the person who took away his only family. No, the boys are still here. Jake wasn’t a praying man, but in that moment, when he knew the boys were safe, all he could do was send up some kind of thanks, to whoever was listening. If he’d lost them too… I couldn’t survive that.
Jake’s mom sniffled, and this time, Jake wasn’t so sure the tears were real. She’d never liked Maggie. No one was good enough for her Kevin. “Arthur, our grandchildren need us. Let’s go get them.”
“No,” Jake stated firmly, staring down at the stained carpet of the waiting room.
“Excuse me?”
Jake wiped his tears away and took a deep breath before looking up and leveling his parents with a look that meant they better pay attention. “I said, no. The boys are coming with me.”
“Over my dead body,” Arthur barked, his face muddled red with rage.
Jake stood up. “Whatever works, old man.”
“Who do you think—?”
The doctor stood between them. “Gentlemen, please. I know this is a difficult time, but this won’t solve anything.”
Jake looked at the doctor and then back at his father. “My brother is never coming back. My sister-in-law is never coming back. You can bet your ass I’m going to honor their wishes.”
“What are you talking about?” his mother demanded.
“Kevin and Maggie asked me to be the boys’ guardian if anything ever happened to them.” His voice cracked, and he squeezed his hands into fists to stop the trembling. I never thought it would really happen. He didn’t dare say that thought out loud. He’d never let them see how truly terrified he was.
“That’s got to be a mistake. I don’t believe you.” His mother lifted her chin indignantly.
Jake turned his head to look at her, crossing his arms over his chest. “It doesn’t matter what you believe, Evelyn.”
“I should say it does,” his father added. “No court is going to appoint you guardian over a verbal agreement.”
“It’s a good thing both Kevin and Maggie put it in their wills then.” The deep voice came from the corner of the room and all heads turned.
Shit, Jake had forgotten the guy was even there.
“Who the hell are you?” Jake’s father shouted, and it suddenly occurred to Jake…Kevin may have been their golden boy, but he’d never held them in the same regard. He couldn’t have if their parents didn’t even know the man now approaching the group.
“Avery Hamilton.” He stopped beside Jake but didn’t extend a hand in greeting to Jake’s parents. Jake watched the man’s jaw tick and knew he was trying to remain professional. “I was a coworker of Kevin’s.”
“Well, then, Mr. Hamilton, you can understand our concern,” Jake’s mother urged, her forehead creasing as she tried to make others take pity.
“Actually, no ma’am, I don’t.”
Jake’s mother took Avery’s arm and led him over to the side of the room, as if their conversation couldn’t be heard from a few feet away. “Mr. Hamilton, those boys need us, now more than ever. We cannot, in good conscience, let them go home with Jake.”
Avery’s posture stiffened, and there was that tick in his jaw again. This should be good, Jake thought.
“And why is that, Mrs. Novak?” Avery asked, and Jake realized his mother was blind to the anger in Avery’s voice.
“Jake lives a certain,” she leaned in, “lifestyle that young boys shouldn’t be around.”
“Ah. And what lifestyle would that be? Would it be that he owns and operates a successful business? Maybe the part where he owns a two bedroom condo? Or that he’s never so much as had a parking ticket?” He studied her for a moment while everyone in the room watched the train wreck about to happen. “Or maybe it’s the part where he lives his life as an openly gay man.”
Jake’s mother released the breath she’d been holding, as if, finally, Avery understood. She glanced toward the group then back at Avery and nodded her head. “So you see, the boys need a stable, appropriate environment.”
Avery nodded his head, and for a split second, Jake panicked. “I couldn’t agree with you more, Mrs. Novak.” Avery walked back over to Jake and stood beside him. “Which is exactly why I’m advising my client to say nothing further to you.”
His mother’s face paled. “Excuse me?”
“Mrs. Novak, Kevin,” Avery’s voice cracked, and he cleared his throat, “was my coworker, but he was also my best friend. Let me make myself perfectly clear. Kevin and Maggie have written wills, and I intend to see them honored. With both of them gone, and Jake named legal guardian in their wills, he immediately has parental responsibility for the boys.” Jake’s mother crossed the room quickly, wrapping her arms around her husband. “Oh, and one more thing…” Avery said. “As a gay man myself, I can guarantee that my lifestyle will not hinder me in any way from making sure those children stay with their uncle.”
“Damn,” Jake heard Ryder say from behind him.
Eli stood on Jake’s other side, and comfort surrounded him when he felt Eli’s hand grip the back of his neck. He took several deep breaths, trying to keep the tears at bay, at least until his parents left the room. The pain in his chest felt like a knife, slicing him from the inside out. Emotions he never thought he’d feel…loss he hadn’t even felt when his parents disowned him…threatened to drown him. Without thinking, Jake wrapped his right arm around Eli’s waist.
“Let’s go, Evelyn.” Jake’s father placed a hand on her back then glared at Avery. “You’ll be hearing from our lawyer.”
“I look forward to it,” Avery replied, his voice firm.
As Jake’s parents reached the doorway, his mom slowly turned back, and the pain in her eyes was hard for him to witness. Even harder was the knowledge that she had never felt similar pain over losing him.
“It should have been you,” she whispered, then let Jake’s father lead her out of the room.
And Jake fell apart.
Jake sat in his car outside his brother’s house. He gripped the steering wheel, trying to stop the goddamn tremble. He felt like he was in an alternate universe. One where he’d never see Kevin or Maggie again. Eli had offered to come with him, but this was something he had to do alone. The boys didn’t really know Eli, and this was going to be hard enough.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, taking one more minute to prepare himself for the hardest thing he would ever have to do. Who the fuck was he kidding? There was no way to prepare yourself for telling two kids their parents were never coming back. It should have been you. Fuck, maybe it should have been him. The kids would get over losing him a hell of a lot easier than losing both their parents. He slammed his hands on the wheel several times then gripped it, leaning his head down and resting it on them. One more deep breath and he sat up, opened the door, and got out.
He stared at his brother’s white Colonial then turned to the right and walked over to the neighbors’ house. Wiping his clammy hands on his jeans, he closed his eyes, raised his hand, and knocked. A moment later, Stan opened the door. Jake had called earlier to let him and his wife, Nina, know what was going on. They were an older couple in their late sixties who could never have children of their own. With Jake and Kevin’s parents being the way they were, and Maggie’s parents gone, Stan and Nina were like surrogate grandparents to the boys. The sympathetic look on Stan’s face didn’t make things any easier. Jake would have t
o get used to seeing it though. He swallowed the lump in his throat, knowing he had to hold it together for the boys.
“Jake, come in.” Stan stepped to the side. Once Jake was inside, the man opened and closed his mouth, as if searching for the right words. There were none. “Nina and I are just sick about what’s happened. Kevin and Maggie were such good neighbors…like family, really. If there’s anything we can do…”
Jake nodded his head, wanting all of this shit to go away. He didn’t want to think about any of it, but—
“Uncle J!” Dylan yelled and ran over to him, knocking Jake back a step with the force of his hug.
“Hey, bud.” Jake wrapped an arm around his nephew, with the other hand on the back of his blond head. How am I going to do this?
“What are you doing here?” Nick had a skeptical look in his eyes as he stared at Jake. He was smart for a twelve-year-old—smart enough to see that there was a reason Jake was there instead of his parents.
Jake looked over Nick’s shoulder to the petite woman standing in the hall. Nina had an arm across her waist, her other hand covering her mouth. She looked like she’d been holding in tears for hours, and now that Jake was there, she could finally let them go.
She mouthed the words I’m sorry then cleared her throat. “Stan, can you help me with something in the kitchen?”
“Of course, sweetheart.” Stan squeezed Jake’s shoulder as he passed by, but Jake was focused on Nick, who was still standing a few feet away.
“Are you eating dinner with us?” Dylan asked, looking up at Jake. “Mom and Dad went to the store, but they said we can have tacos tonight.”
I can’t do this, Kevin. How am I supposed to do this?
“We’re not having tacos, Dylan,” Nick said to his brother. His bottom lip quivered as he stared at Jake. “Are we, Uncle J?”
“No,” Jake whispered then looked down when Dylan let go of him and backed up.
Dylan looked back and forth between his brother and Jake, and in a small voice asked, “Where are Mom and Dad?”
“Let’s go back to your house—”
“Where are they?” The question came from Nick this time.
Jake wiped his hands on his jeans and swallowed the lump in his throat. “There…was an accident.”
“No.” Nick shook his head, unwilling to accept what he had heard.
Jake took a step forward, and Nick took a step back. “The doctors…they tried everything.” Oh God, I’m fucking this up.
“No!” Nick yelled, his eyes welling up with tears. Dylan made his way over to his brother with slow steps. “You’re lying!”
“Nick?” Dylan whispered in confusion, his voice trembling.
Jake opened his mouth, trying to find the words, when Nick went to run around him to the front door. Jake reached out his arm, catching him around the waist. Nick struggled, shoved, punched, and all the while just kept yelling, “No!” through choked sobs. Jake couldn’t keep his own tears at bay any longer and broke down. He allowed his nephew to hit him but never let go through the onslaught. As the punches slowed, and Nick’s voice softened to a whimper, Jake looked up and saw Dylan standing in the hall, his arms wrapped around himself, tears streaming down his pale skin. Jake reached out an arm, and immediately Dylan ran to him and wrapped his arms tightly around Jake’s neck.
And they just cried.
Jake lay wide awake on his brother’s couch, completely exhausted, but there was no way in hell he was falling asleep tonight. The hours after he told the boys were eerily quiet. All three of them went to the boys’ home, and when they walked in the door, they stood in silence in the foyer. It made sense that the house was quiet; they knew no one was home. That had a different meaning, though, than ever before, and the realization was a hard one to swallow.
Jake had made them mac and cheese for dinner, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that Maggie would have made them something better…something healthier. Then he had to remind himself that the boys would never have another meal made by their mom again. Jake rubbed his chest, trying to reach a pain that was too deep.
The floor creaked on the second floor, and Jake glanced toward the stairs. He listened for footsteps, thinking for sure that it was one or both of the boys coming downstairs. Neither of them came though, and once again, the house was silent.
Unease had him getting up anyway an hour later. He wanted to check on them, just once. He climbed the stairs as quietly as he could, cursing the wooden steps as a few creaked under his weight. He went to Dylan’s room first and slightly cracked the door. Panic flooded him when he saw the twin bed was empty. He looked toward Nick’s room and realized Dylan probably wanted to be with his big brother. Finding that bedroom empty too made his panic skyrocket. He rushed to the stairs, then stopped short before taking the first step down. Glancing to the right, he saw the door to Kevin and Maggie’s room was slightly open and flickering light was coming from the darkness. Jake pushed open the door a little further, but froze when he took in the sight of his nephews curled up in their parents’ bed with the TV on mute. At first, he thought they were still awake, but then he realized they’d both fallen asleep, probably with the help of the infomercial on the TV.
Jake made his way back downstairs and sat in the darkness on the couch. The mantle above the fireplace was crowded with photos of the four of them. A couple included Jake too. He leaned his head back on the couch and closed his eyes, wishing he could fall asleep and forget for a while. When that didn’t work, he leaned over and picked up his phone from the coffee table and looked at the time. Two a.m. He unlocked it and opened his contacts, hovering his thumb over the lit-up name. He didn’t know what he was thinking; he just…needed him.
You up? Jake held his breath.
Yeah.
The response was immediate, and Jake released a shaky breath. Shit. Now he had no idea what to say. Of course, with Eli, he never had to worry about that.
How are the boys?
Jake glanced back to the stairs and couldn’t push down that feeling of helplessness. As good as can be expected. Fuck this… He pressed the button and held his breath.
“Hey.” Eli’s voice was a comfort Jake didn’t even realize he needed until that very moment.
“Hey,” he replied lamely and sighed. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, Eli.”
“The first thing you need to do is cut yourself some slack. The boys aren’t the only ones who lost people they love today.” There was a pause on the other end and then Eli added, “You’re allowed to grieve, Jake.”
Jake. Part of him thought he’d never hear Eli call him that again.
Eli was afraid he’d gone too far when Jake didn’t respond, but then he heard Jake whisper, “I don’t know what they were thinking.”
“Who?”
“Kev and Maggie. I’m not cut out for this shit, Eli. I can’t even take care of myself.”
Eli couldn’t imagine the turmoil Jake was going through. “They wouldn’t have chosen you if they didn’t think you could take care of them. That’s not a decision anyone makes lightly.”
Jake was quiet before saying, “I knew.”
He felt like Jake was speaking in riddles, but he could also hear the exhaustion in his voice. “You knew what?” Eli sat up against the headboard. He hadn’t slept at all and knew it wasn’t happening.
“I knew they chose me as the guardian. Nick was almost three, I think, and Dylan was one, and they asked me if I would be okay with being the boys’ guardian if anything ever happened to them.” Eli could hear Jake take a shaky breath and heard the emotion in his voice. “I just never… I never…fuck…” His voice trailed off, and he released another trembling breath.
“You never thought it would happen,” Eli finished for him.
Jake whispered, “Yeah.” He cleared his voice, as if gaining his composure, and this time his voice came through firmer. “Can you open the shop tomorrow? Someone has to open the shop.”
“Jake…”
/>
“And my clients need to be called and rescheduled.”
“Jake, it’s—”
“I have to plan the funeral, so I’m gonna need a few days.”
“Jake!” The other end of the phone was finally silent. “Tomorrow’s Sunday. The shop’s closed.”
“Shit,” Jake whispered. “I forgot. This was the longest fucking day of my life.”
“I know,” Eli answered back softly. “I don’t want you to worry about that shit, okay? Me, Ryder, Kenz…we got the shop covered.” Eli thought back to the words he’d spoken to Jake at the hospital. “You’re not alone. Remember that, okay?”
“Yeah,” Jake agreed quietly. “Yeah.”
Eli heard the soft confirmation, but the question was, did Jake really believe it?
Jake’s broken voice haunted Eli for the rest of the night. After they hung up, he lay in his bed and stared at the ceiling. Eli kept checking the time on his phone, wishing it would go by faster. It had taken some convincing, but Jake agreed to let Eli and the rest of the gang come over the next day. The only way Jake would truly know he wasn’t alone was if they proved it to him. So, that’s exactly what they were going to do.
Close to seven that morning, Eli’s phone rang as he was making coffee and relief washed over him as he looked at the caller ID. “Mom.” His voice cracked, and for the first time, he released the lump in his throat. He didn’t know Kevin and Maggie that well, but he had met them a few times.
“How are you, honey?” Her voice held a mixture of concern and sympathy.
“I don’t even want to imagine what he’s going through, Mom. If I ever lost…” He couldn’t even finish that sentence, the pain hitting too close to home.
“I can’t imagine either,” she agreed.
“I don’t really know what to do for him.” Eli sat on the wooden stool at the counter as he leaned on one elbow and rested his forehead in his hand.
“Just be there for him, honey. Just be there.”
By the time Eli got to Jake’s brother’s house, his nerves were officially through the roof. He’d gone to the store first, and had probably gone overboard, but Jake needed easy right now. That meant premade meals, deli meat, and rolls.