“No fucking way.” I snorted out a harsh laugh. “Please tell me you’re kidding.” Jesus. I’d have rather heard I had a deadly disease.
She pulled her pouty face and I could tell she was barely resisting the urge to stomp her foot. “I’m a grown woman, dammit. If I want to go talk to him, I’ll go talk to him.”
Adrenaline and testosterone made a raring comeback, filling me with a surge of heat and wound-up nerves. Much like when I’d been confronted with him unexpectedly before, I felt the powerful need to pummel the shit out of something.
“What do you think he’s going to say, Ev? You think he’s going to make some grand proclamation about why he’s such a fucking tool?” I shook my head in disgust. She was so strong and so amazing and yet, when it came to this tiny-ass town, she suddenly needed approval from people whose opinions didn’t amount to shit. I didn’t get it. I lowered my voice, since a few townies were passing by on their way back from the festival. “You’re looking for something he can’t give you,” I informed her.
I’d been where she was. All those years of waiting for my dad to sober up and say, “Hey, kid, your mom bailed on us and I’m a drunk. Sorry about your shitty childhood.” That day was never coming. Once I realized that, I moved the hell on.
“You might be right. But I just…I don’t know how to explain it. I just need…” She trailed off, giving me her best please-don’t-be-mad-at-me-even-though-I’m-ripping-your-heart-out expression.
She took a step back, and the distance made my throat constrict.
“I’m done,” was all I could get out. “Go do whatever you have to do, but I’m out. Say hello to shithead for me.”
“Out?” she repeated, freezing where she stood. “What do you mean, ‘out’?”
I glanced over at my apartment door and prayed once more that there’d be alcohol in my fridge. It was going to be a long night. “You need closure from him, and I need closure from you. It’s time I started living in the adult world and stopped tagging along in Everly Abbott fantasyland.”
She shook her head. “You don’t mean that.”
“Yeah, I do.” I scrubbed my hand over my eyes and then my head. “I can’t do this anymore. I left you on stage tonight. I never should’ve done that. And I’m sorry. But I can’t watch you making eyes at other dudes for the rest of my life either.”
She snorted angrily. “I wasn’t making eyes at him. I was—”
“Okay, yes you were,” I said, smirking at her. “But even if you weren’t, how long until some other guy gets your attention? Until you start dating someone? You still going to sleep with me every night when you have a boyfriend?”
She glared at me, but I could still see the hurt. The confusion. I rubbed my hands roughly over my bare arms to try and warm up. The wind seemed determined to blow out the flames of this heated exchange between us.
“All I care about right now is the band, Jubb. That’s my main focus, what I worry about. Not my freaking love life.”
I glared back at her. “Oh yeah? So tell me what going to talk to some asshole that screwed you over last year, literally, has to do with the band. Please fill me in, because I don’t see the connection.”
“You’re being a jerk.”
I almost winced. She was right, I was. “Good. It’s a start. Turns out you like that in a guy, apparently.”
“Jubb…”
Fuck it. I had nothing to lose. I reached for her hand and pulled her closer to me. “Don’t go, Ev. Please? Just don’t. Stay with me tonight. We’ll talk. We’ll figure out what we both need to make this work. I get it that you’re not ready for all of this, but don’t run off to him and shut the door on us. Please.”
Great job, mangina. Say please one more time. Girls love when you beg like a freaking wuss.
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I saw the answer in her eyes. She’d already made up her mind. She was going.
“I just have to…” She looked away, and I dropped her hand.
“You have to? Really? ‘Cause last I checked, you were a grown woman.” She flinched as I threw her words back at her.
“Why are you being so difficult about this? You’re making a big deal out of nothing. I’ll go, we’ll talk, and it will be fine. Tomorrow night after the bonfire, me, you, and Dax will hit the road for Toledo and we’ll get back to work. Things will go right back to normal.”
Like none of this ever happened. She was trying to blow me off in the nicest way possible.
I let out a deep breath, watching it steam up the air in front of me. “Check with Alex before he leaves town and see if he wants to fill in for me until you find someone else.”
“Stop being like this. You don’t mean it.” She squared her shoulders. I could tell she was waiting for this to blow over. But it wasn’t a lake-effect snowdrift. It was my damn heart, for fuck’s sakes.
“Yeah. I do. It’s freezing out here. You should go.” I pulled my keys from my pocket and turned to head inside my apartment. An ice-cold hand gripped my bicep.
“Why are you doing this?”
I sneered at her, pulling my arm out of her fragile grip. “Why are you?”
For a second, I thought she might cry. I ignored the pang in my chest at being the one to cause that hurt. Maybe I wasn’t being fair, but neither was she.
“Because I have to,” she whispered.
I stared at my door for a full minute before turning to face her.
“Then so do I.”
Everly
My eyes fought a hard battle with determined tears all the way to the lake. If I let them fall, they’d probably freeze to my face.
I couldn’t even begin to process how things had gone downhill so fast. Jubb had ditched me on stage, yelled at me—really yelled at me, for the first time ever, and then quit the band.
I knew I never should’ve performed here.
Nothing good came from this place with the exception of Bree. And she had apparently decided she needed to put an ocean between herself and Abbott Springs.
Add that to my list of things I’d screwed up. Bree was like a sister to me, always had been. But since last year, I felt like we’d barely spoken. With the band, traveling, and trying to keep my head above water while avoiding this damn place, I’d somehow let distance slip between us. And not just the physical kind.
She came to most of my shows. We hugged. But every conversation we’d had lately felt superficial. Forced even, like she was hiding something from me. But I had no idea what it could possibly be.
As I approached the sparsely wooded area that surrounded the lake, I tried to hold off the sheer panic I felt at the thought of losing both Bree and Jubb.
A single silhouette was sitting on the edge of the old dock.
“Thought maybe you stood me up,” Kennedy said, standing as I made my way toward him.
“Got held up.” Looking at him, I wanted to slap myself. Hard. He was just a guy. Tall-ish. Dark, slightly shaggy hair under the cap he wore to keep warm. So he was kind of a hot guy, but still, just a guy.
Whatever power I’d given him over me this past year was imagined. And gone.
“So, Pink. I get the distinct feeling you hate my guts.” He offered me an apologetic smile. “And I feel bad about the way things went down.”
“Me too,” I whispered. I’d left Jubb for this. Hurt him for no good reason. God. I was a complete fricking moron. “I messed up.”
He frowned. “It’s not like you killed anybody, Everly. Jesus. It was a hook-up. I thought you were fun to hang with. I was kind of in a weird place and didn’t really know you had, like…expectations.”
Closing my eyes, I shook my head. I knew what it felt like to not be able to meet people’s expectations. It was practically the theme of my life. “I think that was my problem, you know? I didn’t even know what I wanted or expected from you. And then it felt like you’d used me for sex.”
“Ouch. I seem like that big of a dick, huh?”
For a minute
I just stared at him. “No. But it was my first time and—”
“What?” he practically roared, causing the few couples nearby who were enjoying the moonlight on the lake to glance over at us. “Why didn’t you tell—”
“Shh. Relax. I’m over it.” I waved a hand between us. Crazy thing was, I wasn’t playing it cool. I really was over it. We might as well have been discussing the weather. “I think I thought it would prove something to people in this town if we were together. Like I was worthy of their respect or something. Sounds pretty dumb saying it out loud.”
“Wow, now I feel cheap and used.” He nudged me with his shoulder, and I let out a small laugh.
“I’ve been carrying this stupid feeling of inadequacy around like a security blanket. It didn’t work out with you, so why bother with anyone else?”
“That doesn’t sound like the Everly Abbott I know.”
“Right?” I agreed.
“Naw, don’t beat yourself up.” He smiled at me as we walked back from the edge of the dock. “We all do that to some extent, I think. Use our past failures as excuses for not taking a chance on the future.” Even in the darkness, I saw his eyes light up as if he’d had a major epiphany.
“How do we stop?” I asked, suddenly feeling as if Kennedy Hale had all the answers to the many great mysteries of the universe.
“No idea,” he said.
“Well, what good are you?” I asked, playfully smacking at his arm.
“Not much good to anyone. I’m pretty much a giant jackass, screwing up like it’s my job lately.”
“Join the club.” I snorted. “My best friend decided to tell me he had feelings for me tonight. And I’m standing here with you.”
“Ah, Cohen finally fessed up.” Kennedy stopped walking and nodded thoughtfully. His hand fingered his jaw gingerly. “Well, that explains why he was hell-bent on kicking my ass today.”
“Yeah. Sorry about that.”
“Sorry about the shitty remark. I haven’t exactly had the best year ever. But that was disrespectful as shit and I didn’t mean it.”
The tension I’d carried for so long that it was a part of me floated up into the star-filled sky above us. “Hey, Ken?”
“Yeah?”
“You think maybe we get do-overs in life? Like sometimes we get to make mistakes, pick the wrong major, the wrong job, sleep with the wrong person even, and it’s okay? Could it be possible that every little misstep isn’t the end of the world after all?”
A petite figure appeared at the end of the path we were on. I recognized it as Bree. I waved to her and she waved back but she didn’t come any closer.
“Hope so,” Kennedy breathed from beside me. I followed his gaze back in her direction.
Oh. Oh.
It felt like someone had flashed high beams on me in the middle of the night. The guy Bree had been sledding with in Maya’s text. It was him. And now he was looking at her like a starving man might eye a seven-course meal.
I’d have to call Jubb as soon as I got home and beg for his forgiveness. But right now, I had to catch up with Bree and ask what the deal was with her and Kennedy Hale.
Justin
Please call me back, her text said. It was the fourth one in an hour. Lying on my back in my bed, I stared at the glowing screen on my phone. There had been four beers and enough liquor in my apartment to ease the pain. It wasn’t gone completely, but for a little while it took the edge off. Until she started calling.
So far I had eight missed calls, six voicemails, four texts…three French hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.
But no her.
She’d left. I’d put my heart on the line, basically tore it out of my chest and handed it to her, only to have it thrust back at me because she couldn’t wait to go hang out with Hale. Who had made it perfectly clear he didn’t give a shit about her.
This was why therapists stayed in business. Girls couldn’t just love the guys who loved them, could they? No, that would be too easy.
Much better to spend all your time and energy and emotion on some arrogant asshole who couldn’t care less. It was times like this I was glad I didn’t have any sisters. I would’ve had to kick so much ass it would’ve been exhausting.
After tossing and turning for what felt like an eternity, I gave in and listened to her voicemails.
Jubb, it’s me. About tonight. We really need to talk. I’m going to hang out with Bree for a while but then I was hoping I could come by. Call me when you get this.
Jubb. That was all I’d ever be. Good ol’ Jubby. Fucking hell.
Delete.
Hey, I left a message earlier but you didn’t call back. I’m sorry about tonight. Let me explain? Please?
I was tempted. So damn tempted. But I’d been here with her before. Gotten my hopes up for no good reason.
Delete.
Dammit, Cohen. Don’t ignore me. We need to talk.
Was she serious? Did she think I wanted to hear about her night with Golden Boy?
By the fourth message, she was sighing a lot, sounding tired and annoyed. I deleted the rest without listening.
Just as I reached for my charger, my phone lit up again. But it wasn’t Ev.
Cynthia. Craig’s crazy girlfriend who was only kind of his girlfriend. She was also kind of that girl who hooked up with anyone and everyone who glanced at her twice.
Now there was a chick I wished I hadn’t let see my dick in high school.
Heard you were in town, her first text said. Maybe stop by later?
Pass. Hard pass. I shook my head and considered ignoring her completely. But as someone who’d been ignored for years, I just couldn’t do that.
Been on the road all day and exhausted. Think I’m just going to crash.
I plugged my phone in, and another message came through.
Ok. Maybe next time.
But there wouldn’t be a next time. Tomorrow I was going to check and see if Alex or any of my other buddies knew of a band looking for a lead guitar player. As soon as the sun came up, I was going to get the hell out of Abbott Springs.
For good.
Everly
I checked my phone for the umpteenth time. Nothing.
Jubb hadn’t responded to a single text. We’d never fought like this before. We’d argued. Bickered. And then later we’d laughed about it. Or forgotten it about it altogether.
But this was different. We’d never stormed away angry. The issues we’d disagreed on had never been enough to keep that flame burning. It was usually snuffed out before it made it to a full roar.
Lying in bed that night, I stared at the watermarked popcorn ceiling of my childhood bedroom. I kicked my legs, wrestling them free from the patchwork quilt I’d had on my bed forever. It was from the Junior League Jamboree five or so years ago. Each woman had been instructed to bring a patch. But no one had specified what size the patches should be. None of them had fit together and the whole thing was one big clusterfuck. Which was why I loved it so much. It was tattered to hell and back from touring with me, but I couldn’t sleep without it.
And tonight apparently, I couldn’t even sleep with it.
I was in my own bed, in my own house, in the same room where I’d slept my whole life. Everything was exactly the same—same yellowing popcorn ceiling, same faded striped wallpaper, same quilt. My mom had even come in and given me a goodnight kiss on the forehead like I was a little kid again. After my little chat with Kennedy, I’d caught up with Bree at Village Hall, and we’d talked. Things between us were better. And yet, sleep evaded me.
I never had trouble sleeping. Not even at the shadiest motels or the time we’d parked in a Walmart parking lot outside of Scottsdale when we all got too tired to drive after performing in a tiny shithole bar.
After flipping my pillow over for the fifth time, realization hit me almost as hard as I pummeled my fist into the feathered cushion beneath my head.
I knew what was missing. The smell of his cologne, cou
pled with a hint of sweat and the smoke and stale beer scent of the show we’d just played at. The heat of his breath warming my neck. His thick, banded arm underneath me, holding me securely to him.
For the past few months, I’d slept in Jubb’s arms. With my head propped on his chest, in the perfect spot for the steady beat of his rhythmic pulse to lull me to sleep every night.
My heart ached as it dawned on me that what had been heaven for me had been torture for him.
After a sold-out show opening for an up-and-coming local band in St. Louis, we’d been unable to get anything more than a tiny one-bed motel room. Dax took the cot. Jubb offered to sleep on the floor, but considering what you get for thirty bucks a night, I was afraid he’d get Hepatitis C down there. So we shared the bed. He kept his distance at first, but we woke up cuddling.
Same thing happened at the next motel. And the next. Soon we gave up, and I’d just snuggle down into his embrace each night.
Shitty motels in the sketchiest neighborhoods had felt more like home than my own bed. Because of him. Because Jubb—or Justin, or whatever the hell he wanted me to call him—had become home to me.
His words from earlier burned me up from the inside out. It’s about you and me. About how those nights while you sleep I lay there, wishing I was buried deep inside of you. I want to know it’s my name you’ll be moaning every night and my arms you’ll wake up in every morning.
The approval or disapproval of the townies in Abbott Springs didn’t mean a damn thing. Besides, I had my mom, Bree, Maya, and Sami. They were what actually mattered. Not the geography. This wasn’t really my home. Just the place I’d grown up. Being on the road wasn’t my home. Just where I went because I loved and needed music like oxygen. Justin freaking Cohen was my home. And I would only belong, would only be able to perform my heart out, to sleep peacefully, wherever he was.
I clutched my pillow against my racing heart while tingles descended over my entire body as I processed this new information.
He’d quit. He was done. Out of the band—and holy shit, maybe even out of our friendship—and still not answering my calls or texts. Panic covered my skin with a sheen of clammy sweat.
All I Ever Wanted Page 15