I sat there just taking in everything she and I had said up to that point. When she got up off the couch to head to the kitchen I told her there were bottled waters in the fridge. She returned with a beer. It wasn’t a twist top, so I grabbed the bottle opener I still had on the table for my own beer and popped the top for her, handing it back to her.
She took a small sip, then turned her body more toward me so she was nearly fully facing me.
“Daniel, rather than focusing on if we’re too old why not just try.”
She said that so matter-of-factly I didn’t even think too deeply on it.
“Yeah, we could.”
“It makes sense to me. Just go get your sperm counted and examined and I’ll get my eggs looked at and get a gyno exam and hormone work up and they can tell us yes, no, or maybe so.”
“Right,” I said listlessly.
“And if that doesn’t work, there is always Michele’s suggestion: adoption.”
She took another sip of her beer while my mind was firing off at all the possibilities. Maybe it was having someone else there to talk to about it all. I hadn’t talked to hardly anyone about it outside of Shepherd at the hospital.
Malaysia was right. Why didn’t we just try?
“Let’s do it.”
“Exactly.”
“Let’s go together.”
Malaysia suddenly choked on her beer. As she fought to catch a breath I sat up and tried to comfort her. I definitely didn’t mean to startle her.
“Are you alright?” I asked.
“Are you serious?” she blurted out.
“What?”
She looked at me in disbelief. “You just said we should go together?”
“Isn’t that what you were talking about?”
“No, not really,” she said. She began grabbing napkins to get the spilled beer off of her clothes and chin.
“I meant we should just get over our fears and get our shit together. The only way we’ll know is to start making those first steps.”
“But why make them alone?”
She looked up at me and I could tell I had hit a soft spot or struck some kind of chord. After she finished wiping herself off some more she tossed the napkin on the table and leaned back on the arm of the couch.
“Daniel, I don’t know how we would go about that. We were both right, you know?”
“About?”
“We’re single! Even if it turned out that we could, in fact, have a child who are we having it with?”
I thought about it, then burst into laughter. “Each other!”
I said it partly joking, but then again I was thinking ‘why not?’
Of course, this made Malaysia laugh too. “What!?!?”
“Why not? Let’s make a baby, Milady Malaysia.” My laughter subsided to a genuine consideration. I fell silent and looked at Malaysia still laughing out loud. She was nearly doubled over when I scooted over and grabbed her hand in my own.
My gesture instantly made her laughter fade. She blinked several times and then just stared at me.
I smiled. “Let’s do it. Let’s see if we can start family… together.”
She didn’t let go of my hand which I was expecting. Instead, she kind of frowned then looked as if she really was considering my proposal to journey into parenthood together.
“Daniel, we don’t know enough about each other.”
“We know we both have stable enough careers that we’ve held for several years now. We know we both know how to invest our money and time pretty damn wisely. We both want to start a family, and so far we are pretty damn compatible when it comes to our perspective on life’s most important matters; especially this one.”
She still stared at me in complete shock. I kept talking to see if I could ease some of the worry that was now showing all over her face.
“It’s not like we have to go to the Lifestart center tomorrow. I have a house to move into, remember?”
She went from staring at me to staring at the coffee table.
I slowly let go of her hand. “We can take more time to decide if we want to go down this road together or if we want to just be a support to each other individually.”
Malaysia finally spoke suddenly.
“I don’t want to do it alone.”
She looked back at me, with a mixture of disbelief still. This time, however, it seemed like more disbelief that this was a conversation she was even having with anyone, let alone someone she was just getting to know.
I scooted over to her bit more. I gave her welcoming grin and she slowly scooted closer and leaned her head in on my shoulder as we both laid back on the couch.
“I haven’t set up an appointment just yet,” I said. “’And if you’d like you can even move in with me in the house later on down the road if you decide to try to make it happen together.”
There were no words from either one of us for quite a while, then she finally spoke again.
“What if we try before we go to the fertility clinic?”
To be honest, the man in me was more than a little excited to hear her even suggest giving it a try the old-fashioned way. True, we were both up there in age, but stranger things have happened.
I let out a little chuckle. “That’s fine too, and we can start that soon as you want.”
Malaysia snickered a little and gave me a light hit across my chest as she sat up. “That’s what this all about, isn’t it,” she laughed. “You damn pervert!”
“No, no no,” I assured her. Then, I held her hand again. “No, Malaysia. That’s not what this is about. Is that what it’s about for you?”
“Naw,” she said. We sat there facing one another now. She laid back down, this time resting her head on my lap.
I rubbed her right shoulder. “Good. I know it may not be the most traditional way to go about things but it’s not like we have gone about our lives up to this point in the most traditional ways.”
“Nope,” was all she had to say in response.
I let my fingers play a bit with her dark brown hair. Before I knew it, she had closed her eyes and dozed off. I hadn’t ever had anyone stay the night and especially not on my couch, and for damn sure not with me.
After about forty minutes I reached slowly for the remote at the other end of the couch and cut off the TV, and lightly shook Malaysia to sit up.
She sat up slowly and looked at me and then I took her hand to help her to her feet.
“What time is it,” she yawned.
“Around nine o’clock,” I told her after looking at my phone’s screen.
“Oh wow, I gotta get home.”
I gave her a look and rubbed her arm. “Malaysia, you can stay here.”
After another long yawn, she agreed, and I lead her to my master bedroom. Once back there I went through my drawer and found a pair of pajama pants and a tee shirt she could sleep in. I also told her there were towels in the master bathroom if she wanted to take a quick shower.
Just as I headed out of the bedroom so she could either change or get a shower she asked, “Where are you heading?”
“Back to the living room to sleep on the couch.”
Before I could take another step out of my bedroom she said, “No.”
I turned, not understanding what she meant exactly. “What do you mean?”
“We just agreed to start making babies. I’m pretty sure we are way past sleeping in separate spaces,” she laughed.
I got her point but took it step further.
“Are you saying you want to try tonight?” I asked with gullible hope.
“No,” she laughed out loud. “Just… I’m going to hop in the shower and I’ll see you in about fifteen minutes.”
I had to smile at that thought. “Alright then. I gotta get the mess up off the coffee table anyways. I’ll be back after a while.”
She gave me a sweet smile as she headed toward the master bathroom with the pajamas I gave her.
Once I was back in the living room
it took me no time to put away the Chinese leftovers and wipe up the coffee table. For the first time that night, I was wondering had I made a wise decision in coming up with some kind of makeshift parenthood agreement with someone I just met a week ago.
What if she was right? Did we know enough about each other to make that kind of commitment?
I threw away the empty containers in the kitchen trash and made my way back up the hallway to check on Malaysia and get to bed.
I rarely ever slept in my king size bed but the sight I found warmed my heart more than I imagined. She had finished her shower and climbed right in and was back asleep. I walked over and pulled the covers on my side back, slid in, then wrapped my arms around her.
I wanted to know I could get used to this with her. That night was as a good a night as any to start out.
Malaysia
Daniel wasn’t kidding when he said 'let’s do it together'. Within a month’s time not only had we moved into the house he bought through my agency, but we made quick time of trying every attempt to get pregnant. After five failed attempts in three months, we finally decided to go to the fertility specialist like we had originally discussed.
I’ll never forget that morning.
It was a blazing L.A. summer as expected. People were out and about in their swimsuits and gym wear. I saw no point. It may sound self-defeating, but I figured if by some miracle I managed to get pregnant, the traditional Cali approach of dressing my beach body to impress wouldn’t be necessary. Plus, there’s a certain beauty that comes with the expecting mother belly. I always pictured it being a sense of esteem that you can bring life into the world, and what could be more beautiful or attractive than that?
The visit to the clinic was one of three and eventually we returned for a follow up concerning the results. I think for any couple that has to go through the motions of finding out why they can’t get pregnant, there’s a sense of shame and blame. Is it me? Is it my partner? It’s easier said than done to not feel like you or your partner is at fault. In our case, we both were somewhat the cause of our many failed attempts at producing a child this late in our lives. As it turns out Daniel’s sperm count wasn’t at optimum levels, and I also had eggs that were slightly misshaped.
We returned home with a ton of pamphlets and information as well as the specialist’s instructions on how Daniel can increase his sperm count by just changing up some of his daily activities and diet. We were also given the option of having my healthier eggs stored in the meantime, which we did, with the hope that in the future we could at least have a chance of in-vitro fertilization. We still wanted to give our best shot beforehand. In the meantime, all we could do was see what would come of the 'old fashioned way'.
“Sounds like a bunch of easy fixes that still may give less than satisfactory results,” Daniel grumbled.
He hadn’t even looked to see the look of frustration and disappointment on my face as I sat on the couch staring at one of the pamphlets. He kept speaking from the far side of the kitchen unaware I was in my own head, my own thoughts.
“You know, I’ve been meaning to change up my diet for a while anyway,” he continued. “So, maybe this is an opportunity to be more health conscious.”
As he came around the kitchen island, he stopped and seemed to finally notice the tears that had started streaming down my face.
“Malaysia,” he said softly, “what’s wrong?” His voice was reassuring and genuinely concerned but I couldn’t even speak to let him know how I was feeling.
My face went to my hands and I just cried and cried. All I had been thinking about since sitting in that doctor’s office was how I wish I had made this decision to be a mother sooner. My thoughts had shifted from whether I was too old to whether I was even capable ten years ago; twenty years ago. Was it genetic? Was it something I had or hadn’t done with my own health habits?
I felt Daniel stand next to me and wrap an arm around my shoulders.
“Hey, hey,” he said rubbing my right shoulder with his hand, “we still have a lot of options, Malaysia. We can do this.”
“Can we? I’m sorry, but that wasn’t what I was expecting to hear from the specialist today, having to consider other methods and changing up this and that. It just seems overwhelming right now.”
He continued rubbing my shoulder, but I also felt a sense of dismay from Daniel. He was feeling the strain of us pushing so hard to magically build a life together.
We hadn’t even discussed marriage or if I was going to continue working once I got pregnant. We just jumped feet first into everything and I was finally buckling under the pressure of it all. Sex was still fantastic but almost like something to do rather than to enjoy. Counting ovulation days, taking my temperature, and even squeezing in quickies during lunch breaks.
“You know what our problem is,” Daniel chuckled.
“What,” I mumbled.
“We’re two extremely goal oriented people who are going at this way too hard.”
It was if he’d read my mind so well all I could do was chuckle. I sniffed and wiped my face with my hands. “No shit,” I laughed.
I sat up straight, took a deep breath, exhaled and then leaned back in my barstool at the island.
Daniel kissed me on my temple. “Let’s take a vacation, May,” he sighed.
He had gotten into the habit of calling me May about three weeks after I moved in. We always made jokes about how he was so invested he had to give me some cutesy name while I refused to call him ‘Dan’ or ‘Danny’ or anything remotely close to a nickname. For me, he was Daniel; a solid name that was so common it’s mediocrity made it sound reassuring. Just ‘Daniel’.
We talked more about taking a week off from work and planned procreation and just being. He had more than enough saved up time to take off from work and I did as well. We had gotten in the habit of our careers of working like type A workaholics all year just to take summer vacations, so going ahead and taking a hiatus this early in the season wasn’t going to be a big deal.
A few days later Daniel set up the whole trip. We sat in the kitchen finishing up breakfast. He showed me one of the many places he had invested in down in Trinidad and Tobago and was excited to finally bring someone along for a change.
“I want this vacation to be about us just enjoying a time away from it all,” he said. “Only thing about business or babies I want to hear from either of us is practicing making one.”
“Okay,” I laughed. “Can do. But what of the business part? Are we going to practice starting one of those, too?”
“You know what I mean,” he smirked. He walked over to the sink and began rinsing off his plate. “By this time next week, we’ll be sitting beachside or all cozied up in our own piece of paradise.”
I sipped my coffee and gave it some thought. Maybe this was what we needed. The information we had researched cited stress as another underlying problem that can slow pregnancy progress. Taking some time away could have benefits all the way around.
The following Wednesday came and the flight to Trinidad was far shorter than I had thought it would be. I had never been to the islands. Most of my summer vacations were what’s considered a 'stay-cation'. As soon as we arrived at the airport we were greeted by a driver from the service Daniel swore was the best on the whole island. Just the drive up to the villa instantly had me at ease.
It’s strange to look back now and say I was even happy with the decision to finally consider doing the traditional things to go about starting a relationship, family, home, all of it.
No, we hadn’t taken the first few steps in the fairytale way that people aim for, but we had made a decision and commitment together to do what we could and that was something that was lacking when I had been going it alone.
Malaysia
After reaching the villa and getting our few bags inside I was all the more thankful for the time away from everyone and everything. The villa was set right on the seashore it seemed like. The flooring throughout was
some kind of polished stone that I didn’t recognize. I could only assume it was from the island itself. Exposed beams were throughout the villa as well, with views all the way around via the huge picture windows or the massive patio off of the kitchen. It had more than modern amenities and upgrades, it had island charm and paradise-like comfort. The seclusion didn’t hurt either. Palm trees and seaside beauty never felt so necessary than they did right then.
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