Her Designer Baby

by Shawna Washington

  It can’t be Alexei.

  Finally, I can move. I can’t let Emilio flip Alexei over...I run.

  The muffled grunts of their struggle comes in the quiet whispers of clothes grating against clothes and in the hard, rough drawn breathes of exertion. I see their muscles bunch, I hear a torrent of curses…in Italian.

  And Emilio, who is on top of Alexei, goes flying over the edge.

  I see it in a kind of slow motion. I see Emilio’s arms pinwheel. I see his jacket flapping. I see his fingers, the way they scrabble at the edge of the pier. I see his eyes. I see fear. In that moment, I feel for him. In that moment, I feel bad for him.

  The water splashes. Hard. Then there are smaller splashes. Emilio is reeling in the water; Emilio is trying to extend his arms and reach for the dock.

  Alexei scrambles to his knees and I stop again, frozen behind him.

  I’m not shocked to see Alexei lean down, and stretch his hand towards the water below. I want to scream out, ‘No!’ I think I will see…

  Alexei jerks forward. His shoulders bow, his back bends. Emilio is trying to pull him in. After Alexei reached down to try to help him, Emilio is trying to take him down to the water too.

  Grunting, using his other hand, Alexei reaches down. I can see the side of his face, see him grit his jaw as he wrenches Emilio’s hand off of his wrist and shoves it away from him.

  There is another splash. I hear a harsh, gulping gasp for air.

  Still on his knees, Alexei stares down at the water.

  And so do I.

  The cold, gray water bubbles, and churns, and I see red swirling to the surface. I wait to see Emilio burst from the gray again, wait to see at least his hand rise, to clutch at the air. If he does, I know Alexei will try to save him again.

  I won’t stop him from trying. But I won’t let Emilio take him with him either.

  He doesn’t rise past the surface again.

  All I see is his shadow, a dark cluster of shapes turning beneath the surface.

  The bubbles turn white, like foam, and then they turn red, the red of silence.

  Only the water lapping against the pylons breaks the silence.

  Emilio is gone.

  I can’t move. I don’t even think I’m breathing. I hate Emilio, hate the way he’d used me. But this...But this, I wouldn’t have wished on anyone. And it could have been Alexei, and now Alexei has done the thing he’s never done…

  I can’t move. Or maybe, I just don’t want to. If I move, this moment will end. And while I want this moment to end, I’m afraid of what the next moment is going to bring.

  I think Alexei feels the same way. Alexei isn’t moving either. He’s still on his knees, is still staring down at the water. The sun is setting quickly now and all of the dock goes darker, becomes the slow, ambered shifting of longer, larger shadows. It feels like we are being swallowed. It feels like this is where we will be forever.

  Then, Alexei moves. I watch him as he rises to stand. For a long moment he looks almost like a statue carved from the dark. I can see the tension in his shoulders. I can see the stiffness in his back. At his sides his hands uncurl from fists into being open. I want to move to him. I want to comfort him. But I can’t move. And my eyes are starting to water. I don’t know what I’m feeling. All I know is that, whatever it is I’m feeling, I’m feeling it intensely.

  By the time Alexei does turn to look at me, only the lamplights are lighting the dock.

  His eyes are tired. He looks at me. Looks over me. I see the relief in him.

  ‘I’m alright’, I mouth to him.

  He nods.

  Is he alright? I know Alexei has just done the one thing he thought he might never have to do. He’s done the thing he’s avoided doing for so long, even in the line of work he’s held since he was a teenager.

  He’d tried to save him. I want to tell him. I want to tell him, ‘Alexei, you tried to save him.’

  Will this haunt him forever?

  There are too many emotions in his eyes to quantify. The shadows don’t hide the things that are there. I see the darkness. I see the feeling, and the intensity. I know the same feelings are in my eyes. But I don’t know what this means, and I don’t know what to say and for a long time we don’t say anything except for what we are saying without words. It reminds me of when we’d stood together on that path in the park.

  I don’t want to say goodbye to him again. I feel like my knees are going to give out. I feel like I’m falling even though I’m standing. I need him. I want him.

  Please, I beg him silently.

  He comes.

  By the time he moves towards me, I feel like I can’t hold myself up anymore. By the time he reaches for me I feel like collapsing. I think maybe I do collapse. I think maybe the only reason I’m standing is because he is here, holding me.

  The warmth of his arm goes around me. Leaning forward, against his chest, I let myself sink. My fingertips grip tight to the sides of his shirt.

  “It could have been you,” I whisper.

  “It could have been you,” he whispers back. He ducks his head down. With his arms around me, with his head lowered above mine, I feel surrounded by him on all sides. My fingers pick, play over his shirt. I breathe in his scent. I can feel his heat. I feel his body barely pressed to mine. And I don’t care. I don’t care about the things I don’t have. I don’t care about everything I might never have. I just want to know that I will always have him. I just want to feel him. I want to feel him here. I don’t ever want to be without him again.

  “Radiah.” His low rumble is a whisper. “If something had happened to you, I don’t know what I would do.” His voice hardens. “And I do. I know exactly what I would do.”

  I know what he is saying. I know what he is implying. I press my cheek against his shoulder. “It didn’t happen. I’m okay, baby.” I try to say it like I’m sure of all of this, as though I’m sure of everything. But I hear the tremble in my words. I know he hears it too. We know each other too well to pretend. It could have been him. Alexei could have been the one to sink beneath those waters.

  “Are you alright?” I whisper it.

  He doesn’t say anything. I can feel the thinking in him. I know he doesn’t take this lightly. And it’s one of the reasons I love him.

  I love him.

  Then, he nods. I feel his muscles draw tighter through his back.

  He draws a low breath. And then he draws another, as though he is steeling himself to do something. Steeling himself for what? I want to tell himthat I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I tried to make him choose between his family and between me. It hadn’t been fair. None of it had been fair. Not fair to him, and not fair to me. But life isn’t fair. Sometimes we don’t get everything we want. Sometimes, having someone we love is worth the sacrifices.

  “Radiah,” he says.

  I feel my throat catch. “Alexei.” I press my cheek tighter to his shoulder. “Please. Please, don’t. I’m sorry…”

  “Radiah.” His chest rises with another sharp breath. His hand widens over the small of my back. “I need you to know. I want what you want, Radiah. I always have. I just…” He shakes his head. “I couldn’t see it. Couldn’t see the path. I couldn’t see the way to make it happen. Now.” His hand moves softly, slowly down my back. His voice lowers. “I understand. We make it happen because we want it to happen. And I can’t. I can’t risk this anymore. Because I can’t risk something happening to you. And I don’t want to imagine my life without you.”

  Frowning against his shoulder, I squeeze my eyes shut. This isn’t what I was afraid he might say. But what, exactly, is he saying? I lift my head from his shoulder to look up at him. What is he saying? I don’t have to ask the question—he sees the question in my eyes.

  And I see the answer in his eyes even before he says it.

  “I’m willing to give it up, Radiah. For us. Like you want me to.”

  Shaking my head because this can’t be happening, I say, “No. Alexe
i.” He’s said it so many times. This is the only life he’s ever known. This is the only family he’s ever had. I can’t ask him to give it up for me. I can’t ask him to make himself unhappy to give me happiness. I know it would never work. If Alexei isn’t happy, I could never be happy either.

  “No.” I say it firmly. “I should never have asked that from you. It’s too much. They’re your family, Alexei. They were there for you.” After our talk last night I feel like I truly, for the first time, understand where he is coming from. They’d been there for him when he’d had no one. They’d helped to heal his wounds, and they’d helped to make him into the man he is today—the man that I love.

  His eyes darken, become warm. He nods. “Thank you for understanding that, Radiah.” He searches my eyes with his own. “After today…”

  He falls silent. I know Alexei has never killed. Not before now. I know this is weighing heavy on his heart and it’s too much. I feel the tears I’ve been trying so hard to hold back begin to fall.

  “Radiah. I wouldn’t change this. I would do anything to protect us. Anything for them. But. I feel now I’ve done enough. And you. You’re my family too. You’re the family I want. You’re the family I need. I need you. And I want you. I want…” He draws back a little and, without taking his eyes off of mine, he finds my hand. “I want a family, together. I want our family. I know I might have lost that chance. But, Radiah. If you’ll have me…”

  “A family? You want a family? With me?”

  “I always have, Radiah. I’ve just been too…”

  He doesn’t get the rest out because I’m pressing forward, because I’m stretching up, because I’m taking his mouth with mine. “Yes.” I manage to say it as we kiss, as his hand rises from my back to cradle at the back of my head.

  He kisses me. It’s a long, deep, passionate kiss. It is quiet kiss, full of hope and promise.

  “We can’t stay here, Radiah. Not in New York. Not even in America.” He murmurs it against my lips. “You’ll have to give things up. Your job. Your city.”

  Nodding, I brush my lips to his. I know he’s not the only one that will need to give things up if we are going to make this work. I’m willing to sacrifice. A future, a real future with Alexei, is all I’ve ever wanted. It’s not an easy thing. I love my job. I love living near my family and my friends. I love my city; I’ve been here my whole life. But love takes sacrifice. I know we will both have to give things up to make this work, and to be together.

  “All of it.”

  Breaking the kiss, we stand there, together, looking up and down at each other. His hand loosens from mine; with his fingertips he touches my cheek. I can feel the damp of my tears there—tears of joy now.

  “I want to be the father of your children, Radiah. I want to marry you, Radiah. And spend the rest of our lives together.” His small smile rises, sheepish. He ducks his head lower. His dark eyes seem even darker now. “I know I’m doing this all wrong. I don’t even have a ring to give you. But…” His sheepish smile turns into a small, hopeful smirk. “Maybe you will take these words from the poor boy from St. Petersburg and allow me to buy you a ring later.”

  I draw a sharp breath as he lowers himself down to one knee. Could this really be happening? Is this really happening? I almost try to tug him upright. He doesn’t have to do this. Do I want him to do this? I can hardly breathe. I want this. I almost can’t stop myself from saying yes. I almost can’t stop myself from trying to force him upright so he will put his arms around me, and so I can put my arms around him.

  “Radiah.” He looks up at me through the dark. His dark eyes are lighter now, shining from the inside. He cups his hands softly around my own hand. Against the docks, the water laps in quiet, repeating currents. “I don’t want anyone but you. I love you. I might not know how to love, or how to be loved, the way other people do. But you. You are teaching me. And I want to learn with you. I never want to stop learning with you. And I do. I want more than anything to spend the rest of our lives together. Will you…” He pauses, but there is no hesitation in his voice, there is no hesitation in his eyes. His eyes are unwavering.

  His eyes are beautiful. I want to stare into them every morning and every night. Forever.

  “Radiah Carlton, will you be my wife?”

  There is no hesitation in my own eyes either. I have no doubts. None. This is the man I want to be with, forever. Looking down into his eyes, and lacing my fingers through his, I tell him, “Yes.” My words catch in my throat. “You’re the only man I’ve ever wanted. I love you, Alexei.”

  He smiles up at me. And he rises to stand. With his hand still wrapped around mine, we walk back to the car. Now, my tears are streaming. I don’t care. I don’t try to stop them. With Alexei by my side, I’ve never been happier.

  Climbing into the car beside him, I keep my hand on his thigh; I keep my eyes turned up toward him the whole way to the airport.

  “So,” he says. The wheel spins through his hands. His eyes are glinting, mischievous. His eyes are happy. “Where do you want to go first?”

  The End ... but there's a surprise for you!

  Surprise Bonus Book #2

  Best Friends Into Lovers

  By Tasha Jones

  Tynice

  March 1998, Williamsville, Illinois

  “Had a good night yesterday, Tynice?” Adrian asked me as I closed my locker with extra pressure. He stood against the wall with a stupid grin on his face.

  “Asshole!” I cursed, and turned.

  “Is that a yes?” He caught up with me and nudged me his shoulder.

  “Back off, your bones hurt.” I brushed him off.

  “Come on, Tynice, tell me. We have been waiting for this all month. You can’t shut me off now. Your face intrigues me.” That annoying grin never left his face. Damn him for being my best friend and damn me for telling him I had a date with Ben Trump. And if I told him how horrible the night had gone, I would never hear the end of it. He would tease me endlessly. My night went terrible and my day was going the same way. It had started off with Mrs. Campbell telling me how pathetically I had written the assignment, leading to Liza Brent showing off her new boyfriend and taunting me for being a stocky sack. Though I had given her a good snarky reply that had shut her off, it hadn’t helped brighten up my mood. I was missing Adrian’s company and now that he was here, he wasn’t leaving me alone on the topic of my date.

  We sat on our usual bench in the cafeteria and I pulled open my lunch tray’s plastic wrap. Before I could delve in, Adrian slid it from under my hands towards him and within moments he had eaten half of my pastry. Damn, he ate like a horse. “I'm famished, jerk. Give it back.”

  I tried to get past under his arm but he moved away.“It’s a good thing. Aren't you supposed to be on some sort of diet, Tynice?” He said it jokingly while he poked me in the ribs and I threw the crumpled plastic wrap at him while scowling at the same time. While I knew he was kidding, I was always on one diet or another trying to improve my appearance.

  “Maybe I need to give you a few of mine. You could certainly put them to use, after all.” I pointed at his skinny physique and rolled my eyes. He was tall, like double my height. Okay that was a bit exaggerated. He was almost six feet tall and with no visible muscle or fat on his body. You would call him lanky but Adrian had grace. His grace was his grin that drove most of the girls in our school crazy.

  Adrian and I, we had been friends since we were in second grade. Now that we both were in high school, we were inseparable. Just to mention, I was a sophomore and he was a senior. We had been mistaken as a couple but Adrian was just a friend, my best friend. We shared everything with each other. I helped him hook up with girls, though I didn’t have many girl friends. I wasn’t much into the girlish drama and I preferred straight forward people. Long story short, only Adrian fit into my description of ‘friend’.

  I’d spend time with him and his other senior friends. I didn’t giggle. I laughed my lungs out with Adrian. We
ogled girls together who later came up to me, just to be friends with me so that I could introduce them to Adrian’s friends. Of course he had some really good looking friends in his group, all of them ready to bat a lash towards those girls. Except for me. Adrian would have beaten them black and blue if they as much as passed a comment on me. “I’ll tease you all you want, Tynice. But they get to keep their distance from you.” He had said to me.

  “Yeah, that’s the reason why I’m still a virgin.” I scowled at him.

  “Looks like Benny didn’t get lucky last night,” he said and then no longer pretended to keep his face straight.