“Well have my drink,” I offered magnanimously, shoving my iced tea towards her.
She wrinkled her nose in disgust. “Who has iced tea unless they have someone standing over them with a gun to their head?”
I giggled at that one. “Me, apparently.”
“Tell me again why you’ve given up drinking?” she asked.
“Nick thinks”
“Nick? Just call him ‘new guy’ so we don’t get him mixed up,” she said breezily as she held out her wineglass for a fresh refill by the waiter hovering solicitously.
She was serious I knew. That was Adanna; one guy was as good or bad as the next. She seriously didn’t recall Jake’s name even though I had dated him for three years and she would have been maid of honor at our wedding. She didn’t like men and she made no attempt to hide it. For that matter she didn’t like women either; she just liked… fashion.
If you have ever seen Adanna Okeya rhapsodize over a bit of excellent fur, you would know you were looking at a woman in the throes of passion. She lived fashion, breathed fashion, worshipped fashion, loved fashion, and not much else.
She loved me too, but then everyone did, right?
I shook my head at my own conceit. Alright maybe not everyone, I thought, thinking of Judge Lena who somehow managed to give me even worse frostbite every time we met which thanks to my busy practice was at least once every two weeks.
“You’re miles away,” Adanna said jerking my mind from our last unpleasant encounter.
“Sorry. I was saying Nick thinks alcohol is not great for me since I’m trying to have a baby.”
“Nick is uh… the doctor huh? New guy?”
“New guy,” I affirmed.
“Okay. I guess he would know about such. So tell me why you want a baby.”
I looked at her, my eyes misting a little. That was Adanna, she always knew me like the back of her hand; for all her seeming brashness, she was the most sensitive person I knew. No one, not even Nick or my mother, had stopped to ask why I wanted a baby. They had all just assumed I wanted a baby because my biological clock was ticking or because it was a natural phase of life after say, buying a car or building a practice.
I looked down at my hands, then up at my best friend. “I love kids. Any kid at all: mine, someone else’s, it doesn’t matter. I could be having a seriously crappy day and I just spot one kid somewhere and the sun comes out for me. I love how impossibly tiny they are, and yet strong. I love the way their minds work; they are so straightforward and unspoiled and fresh. I love the way they smell.”
Adanna thought about it for a minute and then she said astutely, “But why do you want one? You’ve only told me how great they are.”
I looked straight into her eyes baring my very soul as I said, “I want to have a kid because I have so much love bottled inside of me to give.”
Adanna’s gaze held mine for a fraction of a second, then her hand squeezed mine on the table. “That’s so profound, Oksana. If you really feel that way, honey, I’m sure you’ll have one.”
My phone rang just then, interrupting us and I looked at Caller ID; it was a number I didn’t recognize.
“I have to take this. Excuse me,” I told my friend as I moved away from the table towards the glass windows.
“Hello?” I said into my cell-phone.
“Ms. Davies? Oksana,” a female voice said stridently in my ear. The person on the other end didn’t need an introduction; I had heard that voice often enough in my nightmares to recognize it.
“Judge Arturo.”
“Lena,” she corrected me. Then without waiting for a response, she plunged on. “What exactly are you doing with my grandson, Oksana?”
“I’m not with him at the moment,” I prevaricated.
“You’re not dumb so don’t even bother pretending to be,” she snapped. “I want to know why you’re wasting his time!”
“I beg your pardon?”
“He’s getting older by the second! He’s thirty-eight years old already in case that skipped your attention,” she informed me helpfully. “He tells me you won’t marry him, which is just as well. But I’m curious. Why?”
I stiffened. “That is none of your business.”
“Nick’s young, handsome as sin, smart as a whip, more successful than everyone in our family put together, and crazy about you, so why did you do me the favor of turning him down?”
“I have to go,” I announced.
“Don’t you dare hang up on me,” she intoned in a dangerous whisper.
“Or what?” I spat into the phone. Then I proceeded to do just that; I hung up.
As I turned to go back to my table, I jolted with surprise when I saw the tiny old woman standing a few feet away, glaring at me. She had been here the whole time and calling me?
She grabbed my hand, her grip surprisingly strong. “Let him go, Oksana. You can’t give him kids.”
“How did you know?” I interjected in surprise.
“Nick loves kids,” she plodded on doggedly. “And no, he didn’t tell me you can’t have kids, I have my ways. He also loves you, unfortunately. And because he does, he will pretend he can live without kids. He will be unhappy and so will you because every time you see a look in his eyes, you will wonder if he is hiding his sadness and you will be right.”
She had hit the nail exactly on the head going straight to the root of the dilemma I had been battling and the knowledge shook me to the core of my being.
“Let me go,” I demanded through a tight throat, my eyes narrowed on hers in challenge.
“Let him go, Oksana. Don’t take him down with you to a childless, unhappy existence. If you love him, set him free!” she said as she dropped my hand and slowly strode out of the restaurant.
I stared after her, feeling as though the entire world had gone mad, especially the nutty old woman who was now being helped into a sleek black car by her driver.
As I returned to my seat, I saw Adanna hadn’t noticed anything; she had been too busy fighting with the steak on her plate.
“I hope I wasn’t gone for too long?” I asked politely, my heart still thudding in the aftermath of my encounter with Lena.
Adanna looked up to offer a smiling response and then her fork was arrested partway to her mouth. “Who in the blue blazes is that?”
I didn’t have to turn around to know who she was talking about; my body was already reacting. Nick had just walked in obviously. Her reaction was not surprising; people tended to stare whenever Nick walked by.
“That’s New Guy. We’re meeting him for dinner, remember?”
“Honey, if you ever get tired of that, toss him my way. I would probably want a thousand babies with this one myself,” she whispered.
As I made the introductions, my heart kept thudding as I unconsciously scanned Nick’s face for the tiniest hint of how he truly felt. Was he happy? Or had I managed to make the one person I loved most in the world utterly miserable?
Oksana Davies
The dizziness started in the middle of the workday. I had just returned from court when I suddenly felt the room start to whirl. I sank onto my seat, blinking rapidly. I didn’t have to think to remember whether I’d had breakfast or not; I’d had oats and Nick had insisted on feeding it to me from his spoon like a baby. So cute! With Daisy gone, we didn’t have to get up so early anymore and he had insisted on making me eat breakfast because apparently he didn’t think I was doing a good enough job of feeding myself properly.
As I bent my head between my knees to stop the dizziness and blackness, I mentally ruled out lack of breakfast as a possible reason. I was nauseous, I also realized, and I seemed to have a slight fever. I waited for the wave of dizziness to pass and then I dashed to the restroom. Dry heaves wracked my body as I leaned over the sink and I groaned. I really couldn’t afford to be ill right now. My firm was just now negotiating a major merger between two corporate giants in the oil and gas industry and I really couldn’t afford to call in sick now.
I rinsed my mouth and dried my lips on a face towel before turning and re-entering my office. I sank slowly onto my seat, burying my face in my hands as I took several deep breaths.
I should probably cancel the rest of my appointments and go straight home for some rest, I mused, my eyes idly scanning my office before coming to rest on my calendar. A little jotting at the corner drew my eyes and I sat up straight in surprise. My period was late! I was late by two whole weeks!
Goosebumps appeared on my arms and I stared in disbelief at my calendar almost afraid to form the thought completely. I was never late. My period was like clockwork, I thought desperately. But now I was late by two whole weeks.
Oh my God. Could I be pregnant?
I jumped to my feet, hardly aware of moving as I grabbed my bags and raced towards the door.
“Ms. Davies?” my secretary got out in surprise.
“I have to go, Tina. I’m not feeling well,” I called as I raced for the elevator.
I reached one of the elevator doors and pressed the buttons for down just as the other elevator on the opposite wall chimed its arrival. I spun around on my heel but I must have moved too fast because suddenly, everything went black and I felt the world tilting on its axis.
The last thing I heard before the blackness enveloped me was a familiar voice screaming my name over and over again. Nick? What was he doing here?
I came awake slowly what felt like years later, my mouth cottony, my head aching. I looked around; I was in a hospital, I realized at first glance.
“Water,” I muttered aloud. I could see no one but somehow I sensed I wasn’t alone.
A hand appeared immediately, bearing a glass of water, and I began to gulp gratefully, my gaze locked on the familiar pair of green eyes that stared down at me.
“Better?” Nick asked once I was done.
I nodded.
He stroked back the hair from my face, his expression achingly tender as he scolded, “You gave me one hell of a fright. Don’t do that again.”
I scrunched up my face as I tried to remember. “I heard your voice, just before I fainted.”
“Yes, baby,” he murmured.
“What were you doing there?” I wanted to know.
“I came to take you to lunch and next thing I know, there you are fainting right in front of the elevators. It was most distracting,” he added with a teasing grin.
My gaze jerked to his as I remembered. “I was dizzy. Nauseous!”
I grabbed his arm in unhidden excitement. “Nick? My period is late. Am I pregnant?”
His green gaze dropped to my flat midsection in automatic reaction before rising to meet my gaze, excitement in their depths. Then he shook his head slightly as though afraid to hope, “I can’t answer that, Oksana, until they run the tests.”
I squeezed his arm tighter. “I don’t need any tests, you’re a doctor! Come on, these symptoms are classic. I have nausea, dizziness, fainting spells, slight fever and a missed period. What does that tell you?”
He looked at me, almost pityingly I thought, and then his right hand covered mine tenderly as he whispered in an achingly gentle voice, “That could be any number of things, Oksana.”
I jerked my hand from his light grasp, my expression tight and accusing. Didn’t he want me to be pregnant?
He must have read the question in my face because he answered me wearily, “I would give anything in the world to see you pregnant, Oksana. And the symptoms you have described could suggest pregnancy but they could just as easily suggest something else.”
“What are you saying?” I whispered, tears springing to my eyes as my hope slowly began to crumble.
He sighed, “I’m saying the last thing I would want in this world is to get your hopes high only for them to be crushed. I won’t believe it’s pregnancy until I see the tests.”
I glared at him. He was just being a doctor to protect me I knew, but in that moment, I almost hated him. I wanted desperately to hear someone agree with me that I was pregnant. I needed to hear it.
I clenched my teeth as I told him in a low, awful growl, “Get out.”
“Oksana—”
“Get out! Get out! Get out!” I was yelling hysterically now.
He reared back in alarm, staring down at me but before he could react further, the door opened and the doctor, whose name tag said he was Dr. Jacobs, walked in.
The man was elderly with kind eyes and as he took in the scene, he turned to the nurse, “Get a sedative. Now!”
“No!” I gasped, “No drugs. My baby.”
I saw the doctor’s gaze jerk to Nick’s and then jerk away and somehow, in that tiny glance, I read the answer; I was not pregnant.
That singular knowledge acted as no sedative could have; I folded in on myself, physically and emotionally. All the fight drained out of me as though it had never been and even so much as a whimper did not escape me as I stared listlessly at the wall across from my bed.
“Oksana?” Nick said in a worried tone as he gripped my hand in his tight as though he were trying to infuse some strength into me.
“Ms. Davies? Look at me,” Dr. Jacobs said insistently.
I turned my head slightly.
“We have your test results,” he said slowly.
“I’m not pregnant, am I?” I asked through dry lips.
“Er, no ma’am. Not at the moment,” he said carefully, his gaze trained on my face as though watching for the tiniest reaction.
I kept my face studiously blank as I waited politely for him to finish.
“We’ve diagnosed acute stress, ma’am. I will be recommending total bedrest for two whole weeks, Ms. Davies.”
“Are you saying all that was due to stress?” I asked without much interest.
Nick answered for the doctor. “Stress is actually more dangerous than most people realize, my love.”
I turned to look at him, my heart skipping a beat at the endearment. He was so close, his dear face mere inches from mine, and I noticed for the first time ever that his green eyes had tiny flecks of brown in them. I laid a hand wearily against his cheek.
“So I really am not pregnant?” I repeated.
He nodded, his green eyes sad and sober.
“What then? I haven’t had my period this month.”
“You have been under a lot of emotional stress lately, and I guess the demands of your job haven’t helped either,” Nick informed me quietly.
I wasn’t pregnant then, I realized the finality of it sinking into me. Stress had made me nauseous, made me late, made me dizzy. Stress, and not pregnancy. Nick and I had made love enough times that I had thought the odds would be in our favor but apparently, they weren’t. Perhaps it didn’t matter if we made love ten times or ten thousand times. I wasn’t pregnant and maybe I never would be.
Every last bit of hope inside of me shriveled and died a quiet death as tears slowly began to leak from the corners of my eyes to fall into the pillows beneath my head.
Oksana Davies
“I’m not very happy with you, Oksana,” Nick said angrily three weeks later as he glared down at me.
I didn’t even respond, just turned another page on the huge legal tome I was reading or pretending to read. I could barely see the prints since my eyes were blurring with tears. If he was upset with me, that was nothing compared to how I felt. I was furious! I was angry with myself; my emotions seemed to be all over the place lately which was highly unlike me. I was usually a strong-willed woman with the ability to go toe-to-toe with anyone but lately I felt as if all my defenses were in shambles and I knew why. Lena’s words had dug deep, forced me to think and I didn’t like what I had been thinking so far. Then this latest disappointment coming on the heels of that had hit me harder than I cared to admit.
I had thought I was pregnant. Every time I looked at Nick I wondered how many more years I was going to chain him to myself hoping to be pregnant by ‘next month’.
I had been on bed rest for three weeks now a
s per doctor’s orders, only standing up to go to the restroom or sitting up to eat and already, the sheer monotony was driving me out of my mind. I had gotten my period two weeks ago too once my system had settled down.
“Did you hear a word I said?” Nick demanded testily.
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