by J. S. Cooper
“What’s going on? Where’s Sally? Isn’t she with you? Oh my God, is everything okay? Was there an accident?” Mila’s voice sounded anxious.
“She’s fine. I mean, at least she’s not hurt, from an accident.” I sighed. “I don’t know what’s going on. I need to talk to you. Like really talk to you. I know you’re Sally’s best friend and you don’t want to betray her confidence, but I need to talk to you, Mila. You’re my sister and you’re the only one I trust to be honest with me, and I really need your honesty right now.”
“What’s going on, Cody?” Mila’s voice was worried. “Please tell me everything is okay.”
“I don’t know.” I sighed down the phone. “I really don’t know.”
“What happened?” Mila sighed. “Hold on, I’m going to go and sit down.”
“Yeah, you should do that.” I sighed as well and closed my eyes. “I don’t even know what is going on with Sally? I don’t understand her, Mila. I don’t understand what she wants or doesn’t want.”
“Start from the beginning.” Mila said softly.
“I’m sure you know we’ve had sex. Don’t lecture me, I know it was foolish of me.” I said, even though I knew I would have done it again in a heartbeat, if I had to.
“I’m not even going to comment.” Mila said. “I’m assuming you guys copulated again this afternoon.”
“Don’t make it sound so crude.”
“I’m not making it sound anything.” She said snidely. “Just continue.”
“I thought we were on the same page. I apologized to her about hurting her feelings. Told her I thought she’d been ignoring me, but she told me that she’d just been busy. I guess with that fool, Luke.”
“He’s not a fool. He’s a nice guy.”
“Uh huh, did you know that they’d kissed?” I said angrily, feeling a spark of jealousy running through my stomach again and I clenched my fists.
“Yes.” She said simply. “How do you know?”
“I saw his text.”
“He text her?” She sounded surprised. “What did he say?”
“How am I supposed to know? All I saw was a text saying how all he could think about was their passionate kiss.” I said bitterly.
“Wow, he said that?”
“Mila!” I almost shouted. “He didn’t use those exact words. I can’t remember what he said exactly. Who the fuck cares? This is about me, not about this schmuck? Whose brother are you?”
“I’m no ones brother?” She laughed.
“Ugh, you know what I mean. Whose sister are you?”
“You know I always have your back, Cody.” She said softly. “I take it you’re upset that Sally kissed Luke. Is this what this call is about? Did you guys argue about the kiss? And how did you see the text message on her phone? Were you creeping through her texts?”
“I would never snoop through someone’s phone.” I said with a sigh. “She was getting upset with me and acting all irrationally and shouting at me and her phone beeped, so I very kindly went to get it for her and I found it stuffed under the sheets and saw his name and text on her phone. She’d been texting with him in the bed that we’d just made love.”
“Really?” Mila’s voice was dubious. “That doesn’t sound like Sally.”
“Well maybe you don’t really know, Sally. Maybe I don’t really know Sally. Who knew she was a player?”
“Sally isn’t a player.” Mila said. “You know that.”
“How am I supposed to know that?” I said. “She’s in my bed texting another guy.”
“Okay, Cody, what help do you want from me?” Mila sighed in frustration. “I’m not sure exactly what you called me for, you don’t seem to want to listen to what I have to say.”
“I want to know what Sally’s problem is? What game is she playing with me? I want to know what I’m supposed to do now. Am I supposed to text her? Call her? Am I supposed to just go on with Luke? Ignore her? Go back to being friends and pretend everything is okay?”
“What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know.” I snapped. “I don’t know. I don’t know what game she’s playing with me. I don’t know what she wants from me.”
“What do you want, Cody?”
“I don’t know.” My heart started thudding. “I want to be with her. I want to spend time with her. I want to kiss her. I want to hold her hand. I want to talk to her. I want to be her shoulder to lean on. I want her to come to me when she’s sad. I just, I don’t know...” My voice trailed off. “What’s happening to me, Mila?”
“You have to figure it out yourself, Cody.” Mila said softly. “I think you’ll get there, but you need to figure it out yourself.”
“I need to talk to Sally.” I sighed. “I just don’t even know why she was so upset.”
“Do you really not know?” Mila cleared her throat. “You’re my brother and I love you, but you cannot be this dense. I know you can’t be this dense.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know Sally had a crush on you when we were younger.” Mila suddenly snapped. “I know that you know because TJ and I have talked about it before.”
“Yeah, so.”
“So have you never considered the fact that her crush never really faded? Be honest now, bro. Come on now.”
“I don’t know.” I said softly, not sure how to answer. “Maybe? I don’t know. I’ve never really thought it.”
“You’re selfish Cody. You’re really really selfish.” Mila sounded pissed. “You know in your heart of hearts why Sally is upset. You know what’s going on, but you don’t want to acknowledge it. You don’t want to be anymore uncomfortable than you have to be. You think you can just sleep with girls and lead them on and just do what you want without any emotional entanglements? You think people don’t have feelings? You think you can pull and tug at the heartstrings and not have any repercussions? You think you can become close to someone and just be in some weird friend zone where you fuck forever? That’s all you’re comfortable with. And God knows why you’re so scared of relationships? I don’t get it. I don’t get you. You can’t just play people like this Cody. You can’t just pretend ignorance. You can’t call the girl crazy. You can’t make it seem like you’re an innocent bystander in all of this. It’s not fair and it’s not right. You need to grow up. You need to look a little deeper. You need to stop being so bloody selfish and think about how others might be thinking and what your actions and words might be doing. Think about someone else’s feelings for once and act based upon that. Stop acting and doing things because you’re a jealous little boy that doesn’t want to share his toys.”
“Anything else?” I said, processing what she’d said to me in shock.
“Yeah, figure it out soon.” She snapped. “Get it together, Cody, please just get it together.” And then I heard the phone slamming down. I dropped my phone onto my couch and sat back and tried to think about everything had just said to me. She’d been harsh, but maybe she’d also been partially right? Was I being selfish? And if I was, what did that mean? Where did I go from here? What did I want? What did Sally want? And would I ever be able to figure it out?
* * *
Three days, that was how long it took me to call her. I thought that maybe she’d call me or text me to apologize, but of course she didn’t. I wasn’t even really sure why I thought she would. It wasn’t like she seemed to even care about me anymore. I missed the days when she would text me randomly throughout the day. I’d grown so accustomed to her random texts that I hadn’t realized how much they meant to me, until now. And now that they’d stopped, I would have given anything to just get one. At least then I knew she was thinking about me. If even, for just a few seconds. She crossed my mind every moment of the day and I had no idea if she even thought of me at all.
The first time I called, it rang three times and went to voicemail. I wasn’t sure if that meant that it had just gone to voicemail by itself or if she had sent me to voicemail. I was hoping it w
as the former, so I ended up calling her her a second time just a few minutes later. Maybe her phone hadn’t rung or maybe it had been off. Maybe she’d even been trying to call me at the same time. This time the phone rang two times and went to voicemail and I frowned. Either her phone wasn’t working properly or she was sending me to voicemail. I’d call her one last time and then I’d leave a voicemail. The third time I rang, it didn’t even ring once. It went straight to voicemail. I gripped the phone and hung up angrily. Had she turned her phone off or was her phone broken? I knew it was highly unlikely that her phone was broken, but I wasn’t sure why she would turn her phone off. Were my calls really that annoying? I looked down at the phone and called her again a fourth time. Once again, it went straight to voicemail. I hung up. And called again. Voicemail. I dropped the phone on the couch, walked to the kitchen, grabbed some water and took a few deep breaths and walked back to my phone. I grabbed my phone, looked at the screen to see if I had any missed calls or missed text messages and sighed when I saw none. I pressed redial on her number and frowned as it went straight to voicemail again.
“Sally, it’s me Cody. Call me back. We need to talk.” I said and then hung up. I groaned as I hung up. My voice had sounded accusatory and my message had been too short. If she listened to this message she was unlikely to call me back. So I decided to call her back and leave one more message. It might make me look like a psycho, but it was better than me looking like a jerk. I called back one more time and this time the phone rang. My heart stilled as I waited to see if she was going to pick up the phone. My heart fell pretty quickly as it went to voicemail again. I cleared my throat and started to leave my new message.
“Hi Sally, it’s me Cody. I hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry about the other day. I’m sorry we got so angry at each other. I’d really like to talk to you to see if we can figure this out. Please call me back. I’d love to see you as soon as possible. I miss you.” I pressed the pound sign this time instead of hanging up so that I could listen again to the message to see how it sounded and if I wanted to change it before submitting it to her ears. I figured I sounded like a bit of a pussy, but sincere enough, so I left it as well and accepted the message. All I had to do was wait now. Wait for her to call me back. Wait for her to tell me that she was willing to see me. Wait for her to tell me exactly what she wanted. I sat back on the couch and closed my eyes, hoping that I didn’t have to wait too long.
Chapter 18
Sally
There's a feeling at the end, when you know it's the end. It's a feeling of despair, of hurt, of knowing that there's nothing you can do to change your fate. It's the feeling of knowing that you will never be enough. Knowing that no part of you will ever be enough and it's heartbreaking. It makes you wonder, "What's wrong with me?" "Why am I not lovable?" "Why am I not enough?" It's the moment that makes you want to not be alive. It's the moment when you give up all hope. It's the moment you know you will never be pretty enough, smart enough, happy enough, rich enough. It's the moment that you doubt everything you ever believed. Sometimes I wonder how I got to such a low spot. It's the moment I wondered why me? It's the moment I just wanted to fade into oblivion. We grow up believing that one day our fairy tale will come true, but what if that's never the case? What if we're destined to be alone? What if we're not lovable? What if there is something wrong with us? Even though we try to be the best person we can be. What if, above everything else, we are just never destined to find love or have happiness? Life should mean more than having a partner. It should mean more than loving and being loved. But what if that's all you ever wanted? What if all you ever wanted was for someone to look at you with adoration in their eyes? What if you all you ever wanted was to feel that someone understood you? Cared about you? Loved you? What if all you ever wanted was to be enough?
It's hard not feeling enough. It's hard feeling that there is something lacking in you. Knowing there is something you will never ever have. Something that you see everyone else has but you. I just don't understand. Why not me? I don't understand what's wrong with me? What can I change? What can I do? What can I feel? What can I say? Can I be skinnier? How can I be prettier? How can I be more desirable? How can I get smarter? What can I do? If only I knew. If only I knew. If I only I knew why Cody didn’t love me. If only I knew why he didn’t care. Why he didn’t understand. Why he didn’t want to be with me. But I didn’t. I couldn’t understand why I could love him so much and he could be so oblivious. I could spend my life trying to figure it out and yet, I would never understand. There’s a voice in my head that screams and shouts at me. A voice that wonders why I can’t just seem to let it go. It’s a voice that hates me being me. It hates me feeling like this. Sometimes I wonder if I have a split personality. Sometimes I wonder if I have serious mental issues. Any sane person, any normal person would have moved on by now. They would have gotten the memo. I got the memo, several times, and ripped it to pieces. I deserve the heartache I feel. I deserve not feeling good enough. I deserve it for constantly putting myself in this position. And though I deserve it, it doesn’t stop me from shedding tears for myself. It doesn’t stop it from hurting. If only I could figure out a way to stop the hurt and pain.
* * *
“I can’t breathe.” I whispered over the phone to Mila as soon as she answered. I was sobbing, but trying to mask my voice, so I was talking as low as possible.
“What?” She said loudly. “Are you sick?”
“No, maybe. I don’t know.” Tears were streaming down my face and I took a deep breath. “I just can’t breathe.”
“What’s going on, Sally?” Mila sounded worried and I could hear her yawning.
“Sorry for waking you up.” I said, feeling guilty. “Cody left me some messages. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
“You can wake me up at anytime. You know that.” Her voice was loud again and I could hear TJ in the background mumbling something. “It’s Sally.” She whispered and I smiled as I heard her saying something to him, telling him to go back to sleep. “Hold on, Sally.”
“Okay.” I said and lay back in the bed, and closed my eyes. My heart felt heavy and I clutched the phone next to my ear as I pulled the covers up over my head. The room felt like it was spinning and I felt like I just wanted to never wake up again. I knew I shouldn’t feel so morbid, that my situation wasn’t the end of the world, but I just couldn’t stop from feeling sorry for myself.
“I’m back.” She said, her voice softer now. “What’s going on?”
“I can’t stop thinking about Cody.” I said, my voice sounding foreign to my own ears.
“Did something happen?” Mila sounded worried. “Did he say something stupid?”
“No, yes, no.” I sighed. “He left me a voicemail.”
“Hurtful?”
“No, it was really nice. It wasn’t anything, but it meant everything to me. He sounded really sincere.” My voice cracked.
“Oh? Is that a bad thing?”
“He’s always on my mind, Mila. When I heard his voicemail, I felt so happy. I felt on top of the world. I literally went from feeling despondent and down to flying. It’s not right that he should control my emotions this way. I’m just a nut job.” I groaned. “Why does he make me feel this way?”
“Because you love him.” She said softly and I groaned. “I’m sorry,” she continued. “I know how hard this is for you?”
“How can I stop loving him? I need to stop loving him. This is too hard. I don’t want to deal with this anymore, Mila. I can’t keep loving him. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even want to call him back? What’s the point, nothing ever changes. I’m always just chasing butterflies into the sky.”
“I don’t know.” She said softly. “I’m so sorry.”
“I think I need to cut him out of my life.” I said, as much to myself as to her. “I need to just forget him completely.”
“How are you going to do that?” She said, her words coming slowly. “He’s my
brother.”
“I know.” I said and I could feel my heart racing again. Only this time, it was with anxiety. “I don’t know what else to do. This isn’t healthy for me.”
“So what about events that I have and invite you both to?”
“I won’t be able to go. I’m sorry, Mila, but I need to do this for me. You just don’t understand. I love him so much and I just can’t seem to give him up and I just can’t do this anymore.”
“Is this because of Luke?”
“Luke?” I sighed. “I don’t know. But no, not really. Yes, I like Luke. I think he’s handsome and really fun and for some reason he really likes me. And that makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I can be loved, but I also know that this isn’t our time. I can’t give him all of me and that’s not fair to him. I can’t do that to him just so I can get over Cody. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“Have you spoken to him?”
“No, I’m going to have lunch with him tomorrow. He deserves to know what’s going on and I want to be as honest with him as I can. Maybe in the future we can see if we have a chance, but right now I need to focus on me and healing my heart. I need to focus on my life and being emotionally healthy. I need to purge Cody from my system. I’m done with this.”
"So you've given up?" Mila’s voice sounded sadder than I’d ever heard it before, her tone showcasing the hurt in my heart.
"If you want to call it that." I sighed, not wanting her to make me feel worse about my decision.
"You don't love Cody anymore?"
"I don't know what I feel for him anymore. I mean yes I love him. I’ll always love him, but I don’t want to be in love with him. I want to completely forget him. I want to forget I ever met him. I would to rid him from my mind completely." I shook my head, though that wasn't completely honest. In my heart of hearts I knew. "Being around Luke has really made me realize how much Cody just isn’t into me. Luke is a good guy." I said, my voice suddenly getting loud. "He's a really good guy. And I like him and he likes me. And he makes me laugh. And he thinks I'm pretty. And he likes being with me. And he asks me on dates. And he texts me. And... ." My voice trailed off as I heard Mila breathing into the phone. "I need someone that wants me, Mila. I need someone that can love me. And I've thought about it. I've wondered if I'm being bad to Luke by dating him knowing I still have feelings for Cody, and that’s what I’m ending it with him. And I really like Luke. When I'm with him, I don't think of Cody. Well, not really. Only sometimes. And most of the time I'm okay. Sometimes I even think I could fall for Luke. Sometimes I even think I could love him. Not like I love Cody, at least that’s how I feel now. And do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like I’m never going to find love. You ask me if I still love Cody like it’s that easy. Like that makes my decision easier. The problem is because I love Cody so much. The problem is that he’s my entire world and I’m nothing to him."