“I told my parents I wouldn’t be back until morning,” Savannah whispered thickly. “So come back here. I plan on doing this a few more times before then.”
He could have died. His legs felt like water. They threatened to give out from beneath him. “I…” He couldn’t force anything out. There was a thousand things he wanted to say, to tell her.
She smiled slowly, her eyes warm and filled with light. “We’ll talk. We’ll figure everything out, I promise, just come here.”
Because he’d been waiting a year, god, an entire lifetime, to hear her say those words, because he loved her and though good sense told him to take things slow, to ease into it, to make sure he knew that neither of them would be hurt again, to act like a rational person, he went anyway.
Chapter 12
The Question
Savannah
No man should have to meet their kid for the first time when he was already three months old, but Savannah knew it could be worse. Carter might have been far older before Mike met him. Or maybe it never would have happened. If she could change the past, she would in an instant.
The stab of sadness accompanied by the instant rush of heat that flooded her body and the blush that reddened her cheeks told her what a tragedy that would have been. It would have been truly tragic for Carter to not know his father, and it would have been tragic for her and Mike never to have spent another night together.
She hadn’t seen him in person for three days, since the night she’d slept over. Her parents hadn’t been thrilled when she arrived home the next morning. Her mother gave her a scathing look that spoke volumes and her father, as he usually did, said nothing and went about his business, but she could tell there was new worry in his eyes.
“Here we go big fella. All ready to meet your daddy?” Savannah lifted Carter’s bucket seat out of the back of her car. She’d pulled up in Mike’s driveway a few minutes before, but needed a few deep breaths to compose herself.
Even after their night together and the texts they’d sent, Savannah was still worried about the meeting. Would Mike even like his own son? That was a ridiculous worry, but one that had plagued her since she and Mike agreed on the meeting over coffee and toast before she left his house that morning. She’d thought about nothing since. Mike and the meeting.
“And now it’s here.”
Carter rewarded her with a huge smile. He stuffed one chubby fist into his mouth and stared back at her with huge, dark eyes. She’d run a brush through his dark curly hair, picked out the cutest little jeans and red t-shirt and made sure that he was wearing a bib to catch any drool or upchucks on the drive over.
Savannah removed the bib and tossed it into the backseat. She replaced it with a receiving blanket, which she tucked around her son’s neck. After shouldering the diaper bag, she walked up the driveway, to the front door.
Surprisingly, though she was nervous, her hands didn’t shake. She wasn’t trembling or sweating. When Mike opened the door, dressed in a plaid shirt and faded jeans, his smile was genuine. He held the door open wider. His eyes remained locked on her face as she entered, before they finally swept down to the bucket seat in her hand.
“My god,” he whispered, awe in his voice. “This is Carter.”
“Yes.” Savannah kicked off her flip flops. She’d opted for something simple as well, jeans and a red blouse. She wanted to appear casual, so that Mike wouldn’t know she’d tried on clothes for over an hour before deciding on what she had on. Carter had watched placidly, smiling the entire time, as though to tell her that she was being ridiculous.
“Aren’t you a fine looking man?” Mike finally set the bucket seat on the floor. He reached in, as though to undo the straps, but stopped. Savannah watched a shiver rip through his body. His hands shook for a second before he finally figured out how to undo the buckle. He stopped there and his eyes flew to her face.
“Is there something wrong?”
“I… it’s just that I’ve never held a baby before, I don’t think. Not one this young.”
Savannah smiled encouragingly. “I know. I really hadn’t either. I babysat but it was always for older kids, at least a year or older was my rule. Don’t worry though. I was so scared at first. I thought he would break if I touched him. He won’t. They’re a lot tougher than you think.” She stepped up beside Mike, bent and reached in anyway.
Carter smiled even wider, obviously on his best behavior, as she tucked her hands under his little armpits. She brought him out of the seat, one hand moving automatically to his bottom, the other to his back. She tucked him against her shoulder.
“It might be easier if we sit down. I can put him on your lap?”
Mike hesitated and she wasn’t sure what was going through his mind. Everything. Probably everything all at once. He was meeting his son for the first time, a son he knew nothing about until a week ago. What wasn’t he thinking?
“Yah,” he finally forced out. “That would work fine.”
“Good.” She nodded and led the way to his living room. She sat down on the couch and he took a seat beside her. She waited a minute, to give him a second to compose himself, before she handed Carter over.
Mike took him as awkwardly as possible, all hands flying everywhere, reaching, grasping, overprotective and completely unsure.
“I’m no good at this,” he said as he tried to hand Carter back.
“Yes you are. Don’t worry. Just like this.” She set her hand on Mike’s, slightly alarmed at how cold it was. She couldn’t ever remember it being anything but warm. She set his hand firmly on Carter’s shoulders. “He sometimes squirms, but his neck is strong now. Don’t worry about that. Just hold him to keep him from falling off.”
“What if he pukes on me?”
“He shouldn’t. I haven’t fed him for a while. If he does though, it will just be formula. Nothing scary. And it’s your house so you can just go change.”
“What about you?”
“I usually just wipe myself off.” She laughed at the surprised look on his face. “I’m a little less of a princess than I used to be. I guess having a baby and changing a lot of dirty diapers does that to you.”
“I don’t know how you do it.”
She shrugged. “Some days I don’t know either. A lot of help from my parents.”
“You’re a natural.” Mike blinked at her before he turned his attention back to Carter, who he was awkwardly supporting in his lap.
“No. I’ve just had a lot of hours of practice already. You’ll be surprised. In an hour or two, you’ll already be more comfortable.”
“Not comfortable enough to be left alone with him. I’d be useless.”
“Well, we can work up to that and then you can let me know.”
“Yah…” Mike studied Carter for a few silent moments. He swallowed hard and looked back at her. She could see that his eyes had already changed, grown softer, more amazed, and it did something to her, hit her square in the chest.
“He looks like you a little bit, I think. His nose and his face shape.”
“Lucky guy. Good thing he takes after you.”
“Oh, come on. I happen to think that you’re pretty handsome.” She couldn’t keep herself from blushing after the words were out. The crazy thing was, Mike’s cheeks actually reddened as well. She turned her attention back to her son. “He actually needs a bottle. I can mix him one up and you can watch, if you want. Or I can mix it and you can try feeding it to him.”
“Uh…” Mike’s features pinched tight with panic.
“There isn’t a right or wrong answer here. It’s truly whatever you prefer. I’m never going to force you to take care of him. We can move at your own pace. It’s… well, I think that’s only right after…” After I didn’t tell you that you had a kid. They both knew what she was going to say. She didn’t need to finish.
“Yah, I don’t know, maybe I would have been better at it if I’d had more time to prepare.”
“It’s ok. I don’t thi
nk you’re bad at it at all. You’re doing just fine. I’ll mix up the bottle and you can watch me feed it to him and then I’ll just hold him for a bit after and we can talk. He didn’t nap today and I either expected he’d be really cranky when we got here or be really placid and just pass out peacefully. I think it’s going to happen without a fight, which means no screaming. He’s really trying to impress you, since normally he gives me a run for my money patience wise.”
“God, I can’t even imagine.”
Mike tracked every single movement as she poured formula into a sterilized bottle with pre-boiled water. She was always ultra-careful and though the routine took forever, sanitizing bottles and boiling water for at least ten minutes, she’d rather be safe than sorry. She mixed up the formula and since the water was already room temperature, she didn’t bother to heat it up. She never really had, so Carter didn’t know the difference.
Savannah sat back down and took Carter easily. She tucked him in the crook of her arm, uncapped the bottle and her son reached for it greedily. He latched on right away and drained the bottle in record time. Afterwards, she was actually able to get a burp out of him and thankfully that was all. He wasn’t usually a puker, but there had been a few select times where she’d worn his meal.
“There we go. All done.” Savannah tucked Carter back into the cradle of her arm. She covered him up with the blanket from his car seat and rocked him soothingly. As she thought, his lids closed and he settled into a peaceful sleep within a few minutes.
“Wow. I can’t believe that. You really know him well.”
“It’s taken a lot of practice. It turns out you get to know someone real quick when you’re with them twenty-four seven and they are dependent on you for everything.”
“That seriously sounds scary as hell.”
Savannah grinned and Mike’s lips finally turned up into an echo of a faltering smile. “It is. Being a mother isn’t something that’s just naturally inherent; at least it wasn’t for me. I had to learn everything, so don’t worry. If you want to do this, then you’ll get the hang of it too. We can take it slow. You won’t learn everything overnight. I’m still learning too.”
“Really? You look like you have everything down pat. You’re the most natural mother that ever lived.”
“Are you surprised?”
Mike glanced down. “Not exactly.”
“Well if you were, or are, then you’re not alone. I never thought I really wanted kids either, at least not until I was like, forty. It’s hard to believe I won’t even be that age by the time Carter graduates.” She paused and Mike settled back, his eyes on his sleeping son. Despite all his protests, fears and reluctance, there was already the unmistakable glint of love in his eyes. “Mike, can I ask you something?”
“Shoot.” He crossed one ankle over the other and leaned back into the couch, letting the soft leather cushions absorb most of his weight.
She hesitated, aware that her question could change everything between them. It could shatter their new found peace and whatever was budding, or continuing between them. There was a spark there that had never died out. She didn’t fully understand what that meant, but she knew she didn’t want to pour freezing water all over it and extinguish it completely.
“Why- uh- well, you said once, before, that you never wanted to have kids. Why was that?” She wasn’t entirely surprised when Mike’s eyes narrowed and he reached up and ran a hand through his short hair. He sighed, the kind of sigh that heaves the shoulders up before plunging them down further than they were meant to be.
Which could only mean that his answer wasn’t a simple one liner. It was, as she’d always thought, something much worse than an aversion to dirty diapers and sleepless nights.
Chapter 13
The Answer
Mike
“Mike?”
He knew Savannah was waiting. She’d asked her question, the question he always knew was coming, about a past that he knew he’d have to explain to her eventually. He’d wanted to, the first time they dated, but it wasn’t something that ever came up in casual conversation. He wasn’t up to opening himself to someone he didn’t know if he ever even fully had. It was different now. Even if they didn’t work out, they would always be Carter’s parents. She deserved to know where he had come from. Maybe not deserved, but she needed to know, needed to understand why he’d probably never be a good father.
“Yah… sorry.” He hedged, wanting to say something, but words eluded him. He tried several times to start, but only air came out. “Do you want a drink?” He finally asked, since he knew he needed a few minutes to try and get himself together.
“Uh…” Savannah’s eyes swept to his face. Her dark gaze met his, searching, kind, full of compassion that had never been there the first time they’d dated. She really had changed, really had grown up after having Carter. “Are you okay? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’m sorry-”
“No.” He forced a hard swallow. “It’s alright. I just need some water. You?”
“Sure.”
He forced his legs into action and went into the kitchen. He found he could breathe there, at least he could finally fill up his lungs. They screamed for air, but he didn’t even realize it until he was out of the living room, away from Savannah.
It wasn’t her. She wasn’t the one pressuring him. She had no idea that he had a past that was any different than her own. That he hadn’t come from a loving home. That he’d carved out for himself everything that he had. He’d let her assume that he was like everyone else.
They were carving out a new road, a fresh start, embarking on a new journey. He felt that he should start it off honestly
He flicked the tap on and ran the water. It hissed into two glasses and he shut it off. It occurred to him, when he was back in the living room that it was probably warm. He hadn’t tested the water or put in ice.
He set the two glasses on the coffee table anyway and sat back down, a little further away from Savannah, but just a few inches. His shoulders heaved up and down with another breath. Savannah reached for her water, careful of Carter, who was fast asleep in her arms. She took a sip and set it back down. Her smile, when she turned her face back to him was both polite and encouraging. He stared at her for a long while, taking in her soft beauty, her kind features, their son nestled in her arms. They made the most incredible picture. It was hard to believe that they were his, if he wanted them to be. His miracles. He’d never felt more undeserving of anything in his life.
“I don’t know how to tell you this.” When the words came, they rang hollow in his ears, as though it was someone else speaking. Savannah leaned forward just a little, dark eyes wide. “I- well you know that I never talked about my family.”
“Yah…” Savannah hesitated. “I just thought maybe you weren’t into talking about that. Some guys aren’t. I assumed you weren’t close, but maybe that’s not true. Maybe you didn’t want them to know about me, like I didn’t tell my parents about you.”
“No. It’s not anything like that. If- well- if I had a family, I would have wanted them to know. The truth is, I never knew my mom or dad. Never met them. I know nothing at all about them. I was placed into foster care as a newborn.”
“What?” Savannah’s mouth dropped open. “Oh my god, Mike, I had no idea.”
“No. You couldn’t. I- I’m only telling you this because of Carter. I want you to know, because he’ll ask, I’m sure, when he’s older. Everyone wants to know where they come from. It’s only natural. But worse than that, you need to know that he might be- uh- different than other people.”
Savannah’s eyes widened further. Her lips parted, but it was a long time before she spoke. When she did, her voice wavered. “What do you mean? Different?”
Here it goes. Now she gets to learn how damaged I really am. “I bounced around from foster to foster growing up. Never stayed in one place long. I don’t know why because I don’t remember getting into trouble when I was a k
id. Not until I was around ten. Then the real fun started. I was bad. I mean, really bad. I set shit on fire, destroyed things, acted out.”
“Of course you would have. Anyone would if they aren’t given a stable life right from the start of it. Everyone needs to feel like they’re loved.” Her hand twitched at her side, like she was going to reach out and touch him, but she didn’t. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved at that or not. His insides squeezed and churned, true anxiety setting in and taking over. He battled through it because he had to get it out. He had to tell her the truth.
“I mean, it was worse than that. I guess it started around ten, when I realized that I was different than other kids. I… guess it’s more natural now to talk about things like this, but I knew pretty early on that I had some mental health issues. It was just depression at first, but it got worse as I got older. I saw a lot of bad shit, thought a lot of bad shit. Some days I couldn’t even get up. It was like I was physically sick. I had no one to help me deal with that or figure it out. I was in so many different schools, people didn’t notice if I was there or not. One day, I was around fourteen, I actually was at school and I got put in this art class. I guess someone had noticed that I had some talent and that changed everything. I figured out that art was my therapy. It was my escape. I started and I never stopped. Maybe that’s why I didn’t get into much trouble after that. I still bounced around with different families a lot, but I was fairly quiet after that. No more getting in fights or destroying shit or getting expelled from school. When I graduated I moved out on my own and it wasn’t long before I got into an apprenticeship tattooing. Anyone could spot natural talent and all I had to do was walk into a few shops and show them my sketches and paintings. The guy I got on with was a good man. He was older, around sixty. He was more like a father to me than anyone I’ve ever known. We stayed in touch up until a few years ago. He had a heart attack and passed on.”
Tattooed HeartsA Secret Baby Second Chance Romance Page 7