by C. M. Carpi
With one hand he held my waist softly and the other held my hand. I was chilling all over my body just being so close to him. He pressed my waist and started to dance as soon as our bodies got closer. The song was “All I need by Within Temptation.
“I love this song” — I said. He smiled before touching my face with his. I felt the heat all over my body. Oh my god!
I closed my eyes and laid my head on his shoulder while letting him conduct me. He was an excellent dancer and his perfume was wonderful. Daniel! There wasn’t a better perfume. I was completely involved. There was just the two of us on that place. His mouth was very close to my ear and I felt his hot breath in it. I heard his breathing accelerating as the music got faster.
“You’re beautiful, Elena” — He whispered in my ear while his hands went up my back slowly, stopping in my neck and making me shiver.
He moved away to look at me, his blue eyes were darker and his pupils grew wider. He had never looked at me like that. His mouth was wildly open and I couldn’t look away. His eyes closed for a moment before his hand let go of mine and held my neck on both sides, caressing my face with his thumbs. When he opened his eyes again they were on fire, making me burn with desire.
He hesitated before coming closer to my face, our lips almost touching. His eyes closed again and he was still hesitating, in an internal battle. When his lips softly touched mine, I stopped breathing and lost my ground. His hands touched my face again, but he didn’t kiss me. He moaned in my mouth, covered by the loud music and his hands pressed my face.
“What have you done to me?” — He asked with his voice hoarse.
I looked at him and didn’t understand what happened. I was trying to find an answer, but he was completely confused. His hands left my face and he touched my forehead with his, making his breathing normal again.
“I can’t…” — His voice was so low I had the impression he was talking to himself. I felt my face burning. How could I be so stupid? Of course he couldn’t. It seemed he wanted to tell me something, but he didn’t. I stepped away trying to keep calm, but my body shivered so much I didn’t know how I could stand.
“I’d better go back to the hotel” — I said when I recovered my voice, turning my back to him and walking through the dancing crowd.
“Elena” — He seemed worried, but I wouldn’t look at him. I grabbed my purse and ran without saying goodbye to anyone. I needed to get out of there. Tears blurred my eyes as I went down the stairway heading to the street, but I didn’t know what direction I should take.
I needed a cab.
I asked the security to help me get one when Daniel approached and put my coat on my back, not saying anything. He signed the guard to step back. It didn’t take much for a taxi to arrive.
The silence all the way back was mortifying. I sat as far from him as I could, trying to keep the tears from rolling.
Stay calm, Elena!
He kept his head low, disturbed. When we got in the hotel, I grabbed my card on the reception desk and headed to my room, leaving him behind.
“See you tomorrow” — He said stopping before me. I wasn’t sure if it were a question or an affirmation. I didn’t answer. I just unlocked the door, but when I was getting in he called me back.
“Elena?”
“What, Daniel?” — I turned roughly in his direction, and my voice was a mix of anger and disappointment.
His eyes opened wide with my reaction and I regret it right away. I couldn’t be angry with him just because he didn’t want me, this shouldn’t be a surprise. I just couldn’t avoid.
“I’m sorry, that was a mistake. I shouldn’t…” — He didn’t look at me.
“No need to say anything” — I raised my hands to interrupt him, trying to control myself.
I felt the tears in my eyes again. I won’t cry here, he doesn’t need to see it. What happened in that bar was humiliating enough. I stepped in before listening to his answer. I just threw myself in bed and let the tears roll down my face.
I shouldn’t have fallen in love for him…
* * *
I woke up the next day with Daniel knocking on my door. I grabbed my cell phone to check what time it was. 5:10 a.m. Seriously? I opened the door before he’d wake the other guests.
“Grab your coat, I want to show you something.”
“Can’t you wait? It’s not morning yet.”
“Grab your coat, Elena” — He was authoritarian and kind at the same time.
I went to the restroom, brushed my teeth and pulled my hair up. He was leaning over the wall on the other side of the hall. His hair was a mess and he wore glasses. I didn’t know he wore glasses. I frowned and looked at him. Immediately he guessed my unasked questions and pointed to his glasses.
“I should wear them more often” — I just nodded.
“Where are we going?”
“See the sunrise” — He gave me a timid smile while walking through the hall.
We walked in silence for about thirty minutes to Monte Stella. We sat on the grass and stood while the first sunshine appeared. The sun came glorious and imposing as the colors changed to shades of orange. It was impressive! I can’t remember seeing the sunrise before, not like this. I never noticed all the details and the real spectacle that happened every morning. So beautiful!
Daniel held my hand and kissed my knuckles delicately.
“I like to see the sunrise” — He looked away still holding my hand with our fingers interlaced. — “I wake up to run every morning when it’s dark and sit somewhere to see the sunrise” — then, he looked at me and his eyes seemed teary, but I wasn’t sure because of these glasses.
I pressed his hand and he gave me a smile.When he spoke again his voice was lower.
“It’s the best part of the day for me” — His voice failed, but he recovered. —“It’s like every day we have the chance to do something different, better”
“Daniel, I…” — But he interrupted me.
“I’m glad you’re here with me.”
This comment warmed my face. I was glad for being here as well, but confused. I needed to understand what was in his head. Some days he looked at me with desire, like he’d suddenly grab me. Others he just stayed as far as he could, but I didn’t say anything. It wasn’t the right time. I waited for him to say something, but he just smiled, absorbed by the landscape. I laid my head on his shoulder and he kissed my hair.
I let myself like this, feeling his smell and the gentle touch of his fingers on my hand. When some people arrived and sat next to us to see the wonderful city of Milan, we got up silently and headed back to the hotel.
On the way back he kept his hands on his pockets and his head low. Completely distant, completely different from the man who took me to Venice and introduced me the charms of Florence. Very different from the man that argued when I didn’t eat well. He was like this once in a while, but today more than usual. Did last night trouble him that much?
“Do you want to have breakfast now?” — He stopped by the hotel’s restaurant door.
“I think I’d better go shower before.”
“See you later” — He said and headed to his room.
I could’ve just entered my room, but the words escaped as I didn’t have time to think.
“Why didn’t you kiss me?” — He turned to me again, frightened by my question. He took off his glasses to rub his eye and came to me, disturbed.
“Elena, I didn’t… I…” — His voice was distressed.
“You what?”
“It’s complicated…”
“Explain it, then!” — My voice was altered. I needed to take a deep breath to calm. — “I told you everything, my whole life, my dreams, my fears, but I know nothing about you!”
He opened his mouth as to say so
mething, but he closed his eyes and his fists. I looked at the glasses he held so strong that seemed like they’d break any moment.
“You’d better get in and pack your things” — He pointed to the door. — “We’re heading to San Francisco today” — There it was, his authoritarian voice again.
He turned back and headed to his room without saying a thing.
I was astonished, looking at him while he moved, trying to understand. Who did he think he was to boss me like that? No! He couldn’t just tell me what to do and wait for me to obey.
“No!” — I said almost in a scream and he stopped, his muscles were visibly tensioned. — “I’m not going with you!” — He turned fast and started walking on my direction again.
“Elena, please” — I made a gesture for him to stop.
“No! I need to get away from you” — As much as it hurt, it was truth. — “I need to understand what’s happening to me, what I’m feeling here” — I pointed to my chest while talking. — “And this proximity…”
He held my face with both hands and looked inside my eyes, anxious, making my legs loose.
“That’s what I’m talking about. You can’t touch me like that” — He moved his hand to my neck until they fell beside his body. He just stared at me for seconds before starting to speak. I was losing myself in those eyes.
“Elena, I don’t know what’s happening” — He moved in my direction and I moved back. — “Come to San Francisco, please?” — His breath was heavy and he took off his glasses again, rubbing his eyes while saying in a whisper. — “I tried to be far from you since we bumped in that hotel hall, I tried…” — He put one hand over the wall and moved closer, his face almost touching mine. — “But I can’t.” — I felt my heart stopping. — “I can’t leave without you.”
Why did he do that to me? I was confused yesterday, but now? If he can’t stay away why didn’t he kiss me? And once again he read my thoughts.
“Just don’t ask me that now, ok?” — His eyes were darker and I could see fear in them. I could swear he was afraid.
I closed my eyes while trying to absorb all this. I knew exactly what I should do, pack my thing and fly as far away from him as I could, but when I opened my eyes I saw something that made my heartbeat faster. Those blue eyes stared at me in anxiety. I couldn’t be away.
“See you at breakfast” — I said in a whisper and I wasn’t sure if he was listening. He just smiled, so timid that almost didn’t change his expression. He stared for a few seconds and went to his room.
Daniel
“Why are we traveling First class?” — She took the passport from my hand.
“More comfortable” — I got it back and gave it to the attendant.
“And more expensive” — I looked at her and before I could say anything she started again. — “And unnecessary. Economics goes to the same destination, doesn’t it?” — She asked the attendant who seemed more confused than me. I just made a gesture for continuing the transaction and turned back to Elena.
“Are you sure you don’t know my brother?” — She smiled in irony.
“I don’t want you to pay for my ticket.”
“I have expiring miles that would allow me to take this trip ten times, round trip. I’m not paying for it. ” — I was lying, but that was the only way she’d accept it and I was not going to travel in economics. Never. — “Well, much better, isn’t it?” — I asked while we were having a glass of champagne in the reserved cabin for first class passengers. She shrugged as if she didn’t care, but her smile betrayed her. She was enjoying it.
As soon as we got comfortable on the armchairs my cell phone rang.
Damn!
I stared at the screen thinking if I should take it or not while her name insistently shone. Anna. Before we left the hotel she called me and seemed completely out of control, crying and saying senseless things. I tried to call somebody at home or atthe office, but no one answered the phone. Then I tried to contact her parents. Same thing.
Her calling again made me even more concerned, terrified to be more precise. I went to the restroom and tried to talk to anyone who could help me.
“Sir?” — A flight attendant knocked while I tried to contact my mother. — “Sir? You need to go to your seat now.” — I put the phone in my pocket, opened the door and walked slowly to my armchair as if this could help me. My phone rang again while I was sitting and putting my seat belt. It was she again. I can’t do anything now. I took a deep breath and turned off the phone.
And for the first time in years, I prayed.
Elena
He was visibly concerned since he answered that call. I don’t know who it was and I couldn’t check the screen, but I heard him saying “hi love”. He called everyone that, including me, but this time, it was different. He seemed disturbed.
“Are you ok?” — I asked touching his hand. He didn’t answer, just avoided me and put his hand on his hair. He wasn’t just worried, but he was also anxious and nervous.
“Daniel, what happened?”
“Not on your business, ok?” — He answered sharply, and faced me with cold eyes and a lot of tension.
Who is this person? How could he change that much in minutes? I felt my eyes getting teary, but I wouldn’t show it.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t…” — He immediately regretted what he said.
“Go to hell, Daniel! — I turned my face to the window.
Sometimes words came out of my mouth and I didn’t think about them. My grandma has always told me I should filter my thoughts before using my tongue, but that seemed impossible sometimes.
“Elena…” — He held my hand, but I avoided him sharply. If this plane wasn’t about to take off I’d get up and leave. Who the hell does he think I am?
Daniel
I shouldn’t have asked her to come with me. This thought wouldn’t leave my head while the plane crossed the Atlantic. I couldn’t be so selfish, could I? Would I really be capable of leaving her? No, of course not. My God, she was gorgeous! Her sleeveless green blouse highlighted her green eyes her hair was pulled in a messy braid that made her even more attractive, and her mouth... I closed my eyes and tried to send those thoughts away. I can’t do this to her.
“Would you like something to drink, Sir?” — The smiling attendant led me out of my head, but I didn’t listen to her.
“What?”
“Would you like something to drink?”
“Yes, ice whisky, please.”
Elena frowned looking at me, but she didn’t say anything.
“And you, ma’am?”
“Still water.” — She answered while looking at me, and returning to her book.
“Elena, I already said I’m sorry. Please?” — She ignored me again, pretending I wasn’t there. Damn! I shouldn’t have been so rude, but thinking about what Anna was capable of made me unsettled.
When I asked for the third dose, she closed her book and looked at me. I know I shouldn’t drink like that, I know I’d lose control, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to forget.
“I have never seen you drinking like that.”
“Like what?” — I didn’t look at her.
“What’s happening, Daniel?” — Her voice was soft, even though I was so rude before, and that made me look at her. Her eyes were sweet and her mouth was inviting me. I could kiss her now. I wanted to. That’s what I’ve wanted since I met her. Although I knew it wasn’t right, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
“Elena…” — I got closer to her, but she moved away while widening her eyes. I knew the alcohol was helping me and so did her, but I couldn’t control. I moved on to her again, but the smiling attendant came back with the dose I ordered. I drank almost all of it, letting it burn my throat and controlling my desire of holding her.
>
“Do you want to talk?”
“No.” — I answered and drank it again.
“All right.” — She said calmly while opening her book again.
If I started talking now I’d have to explain about the call, I’d have to explain why I didn’t kiss her last night, and I knew that if I did so, she’d push me away. I couldn’t bare thinking about it.
I should have moved away before.
I raised my glass and asked for another one, but she held my arm.
“Enough, please!” — Her green eyes were fixed at mine. I wasn’t used to having someone telling me what to do, but she… her hand caressed mine and I felt my body warming. She didn’t have any idea of what she could do to me. She wasn’t capable of imagining how much I wanted her, how much I needed to control myself.
“Why are you drinking like that?”
“Nothing.” — I laid my head on the armchair and realized how altered my voice was.
I haven’t eaten anything the entire day and the plane was very high, I might be very drunk. She came back to her book and continued.
“Who do you think you’re fooling?” — I don’t know if it were a question, but if so, I wouldn’t answer.
I ignored her and asked for another dose, but the smiling attendant wasn’t smiling that much now. Nobody wants a drunken man during a flight. I myself hate it. I laughed at the thought.
Elena looked at me with half-closed eyes, then, she sharply closed her book, and lay on the armchair giving me her back. I didn’t want to hurt her, I didn’t like it, but I had drunk enough not to care about anything. When I finished this last dose I was so relaxed that I didn’t remember why I drank it. I felt numb, my mouth was dry and my eyelids were heavy. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I layon the armchair and felt asleep. I’d have lots of nightmares.
* * *
“Daniel” — A faraway voice was calling me. — “Daniel, wake up.” — I tried to answer, to open my eye but I couldn’t. — “Open your eyes, Daniel!” — It was very dark and she kept calling me. I woke up frightened, and for a moment I didn’t know where I was.