by C. M. Carpi
“Didn’t he tell you?” — I nodded and she looked at him in disapproval, moving back.
“I don’t care about it, Sophie. You know that.”
“Yes, I do.” — He rolled her eyes. — “Now let’s go.” — And she headed to the dance floor. He didn’t say anything, just held my hand and started following his sister, but I stopped and pulled him back.
“Why didn’t you tell me it’s your birthday?”
“Because it’s not important.” — He looked sad as he said that, but it was a little dark and I wasn’t sure.
“Of course it is. August 19th is very important to me.” — I said while holding his neck. — “Moreover, I could have bought you a gift.” — He held my waist and pulled me closer gently, touching my nose with his and closing his eyes for a second. His hands went up my back making my hair bristly. He stopped on my neck and kissed me slowly before whispering in my ear.
“I got my present on the day a bumbling girl with beautiful green eyes ruined my new T-shirt at a hostel in Verona.” — My face was red and burning when I remembered it. He kissed me again and said in my mouth. — “There’s no better present”.
Oh! I didn’t know what to say after that. Then that’s how he has always felt about me? Wow!”
“Now let’s go!” — He pulled me to the dancing crowd, but I pulled him back.
“What?” — He seemed curious.
“How old are you turning?” — I asked him so many questions but I never asked that. He whispered in my ear.
“You’ll have to find out.” — I leaned my head and pretended to be mad. I knew why he was doing that. I didn’t talk about my birthday. — “Please?” — I insisted.
“Thirty-two.”
I covered my mouth and pretended to be surprised.
“I’m going out with an elder!” — He became serious, or tried to. I started to smile and he kissed me as he held my waist and leaned my body back. When he put me up again I was breathless.
“I don’t think an elder is capable of doing this to you.” — He had a maleficent smile in his lips.
“I don’t think so.” — I answered breathless. He smiled and pulled my arm, but I pulled him back again.
“May 14th” — He frowned. — “My birthday is on May 14th” — He smiled and kissed me again.
We crossed the dance floor to the snooker tables. They occupied the two left tables and had a couple battle: Caroline and Owen versus Lucy and Thomas.
“I’ll get the drinks, what do you want?”
“A beer.” — And after kissing my face he went to the crowded bar on the other side.
“Vodka, Daniel, please!” — Sophie shouted.
I sat at a table and Sophie sat beside me.
“I still can’t believe how happy Daniel is.” — That was my lead.
“Why are you saying this?”
“Because he had been a little… let’s say lost.” — Great! She knew how to avoid questions about her brother. — “He has a big heart, Elena, but he’s the most stubborn person I know.”
“That’s why you said I should be patient?”
“Among other things.” — I opened my mouth to ask what she was talking about, but the rest of the group joined us.
Daniel came back with two beers and Sophie’s vodka, followed by Scott who wasn’t at the table when we arrived.
“Hi, Elena.” — He kissed my cheek and sat beside Sophie.
When they were all sat around the big round table they started an exciting conversation about how long they’ve known each other. I was impressed by how close they were. Caroline was Daniel’s neighbor since childhood and she loved Owen since school, but it had just been three years ago after a long relationship that she found he loved her as well.
“We grew up together and he never looked at me!” — She said while smiling.
“You were Daniel’s noisy friend, I couldn’t look at you.”
“Yes, but you were the same after we grew up.”
“I was in a relationship.”
“Oh, Owen!” — Daniel said. — “You never took that relationship seriously.” — I could hear her provoking tone. Owen smiled discreetly and lowered his head, then he became a little serious and showed his half-smile, just like Daniel once in a while.
“Let’s change the subject.”
Caroline and Owen were perfect together, even though she was speaking a lot and he tried to be as discreet as possible.
Thomas was Owen’s college friend and worked in his family company since they graduated ten years ago. He and Lucy started dating since they met at first, and they were married for four years now. They were so in love and happy that it seemed like they had just met.
“Daniel was a terrible child.” — Lucy finally said after drinking her beer. — “He was grounded every day!”
“It wasn’t so…” — He put his hand on my thigh. — “Perhaps a little.” — He said after thinking.
“But he always cared for me.” — Sophie touched his arm and smiled, making him smile back to her.
“Of course he did.” — Owen was sarcastic. — “He spent most of his days teaching you how to be like him and that’s why you were often grounded as well.”
She didn’t say anything, just became a little childish and she and Daniel showed their tongues before laughing aloud.
Owen just rolled his eyes and went back to his conversation with Carol. Scott was using his cell phone on the corner since he sat there when he finally looked at Daniel and said.
“You were terrible, Daniel!”
“Look who is talking!” — Lucy intruded. — “You two were terrible!”
He smiled and remembered something.
“Remember when you put plastic around your house’s toilet?” — He asked Daniel.
“Dad’s birthday!” — Lucy cackled.
“I didn’t do that!” — Daniel got defensive.
“Who else would do something like that?”
“I thought it had been you.”
“I did that.” — Everybody looked at Sophie.
“What?” — Daniel frowned.
“I was grounded for two weeks!” — Scott laughed.
“My God, Sophie!” — Daniel looked at her. — “I was grounded because of that too!”
“I know, I’m sorry. But it’s your fault! You were the ones who taught me that!”
“My dad went mad that day.” — Lucy laughed and everyone did the same.
The conversation was endless. Everyone had a good story to tell and I felt a little jealous because I never had that.
“Did you spend all afternoons together?” — I was curious with so many stories. Caroline was the one to answer.
“We went to the same school every day and I was their neighbor.” — She pointed to Owen.
“And we had the same nanny for a long time.” — Lucy continued. — “We ended the afternoons at Daniel’s. Same thing on weekends.
“Always together.” — Scott continued.
“Do you remember the day I hit my head on the pool and Matt fainted? This day was...” — Carol started, but she interrupted before ending the sentence.
Everyone looked at each other, then at her, and finally to Daniel who was very serious and looking down, taking the beer’s label off with his pointing finger, it was the same expression he had in Verona when Julianna asked about this Matt. Who was Matt? And why was he so silent when someone said that name?
“Daniel, I’m sorry!” — But before Caroline finished Daniel was already heading to the door. Owen told her something, then, she covered her face with her hands and seemed to cry.
I got up and went after him, who had already disappeared among the people on the dance floor. I checked the
place and decided to go outside. When I went outside I looked at both sides of the street but didn’t see anyone, I was already coming inside when I saw someone walking on the other side. Seriously? He’d leave me at the bar and disappear again without saying a word?
“Daniel!” — I called while crossing the street, but he didn’t even look at me. Shit!
Then I ran as fast as I could. I wouldn’t let him run away again without telling me the problem.
“Daniel!” — I touched his arm as soon as I reached him.
He turned too quickly and held my shoulders strongly while pushing me to the wall on the sidewalk. He seemed unsettled, his breath was heavy. He looked at me as if he didn’t really see me. I was scared by his reaction, it wasn’t the same Daniel who woke up with me today. It wasn’t the Daniel I knew. I felt warm tears rolling down my face. What was happening? For the first time I felt something I never imagined Daniel would cause me: fear.
You need to calm down, Elena!
I repeated it like a mantra while thinking about what I should do. I hesitated a little before touching his chest slowly, afraid of his reaction, and when I touched his shirt it was like I’d suddenly found him. A hiccup escaped from his throat and he began to sob while holding me. He was really sad and I felt my heart breaking. I wasn’t prepared for that. I just held him and waited for him to calm down.
“I’m sorry, I don’t… it’s been a long time since I cried like that.” — He forced a smile while wiping the tears off, his voice was just a whisper.
“That’s ok, don’t worry…” — I put my hands on his face. — “Daniel, are you ok?”
“I need…” — He closed his eyes and nodded.
“Let’s go.” — I interrupted and touched his hand. He stared at the floor and didn’t say anything, just squinted. — “Daniel. We’re leaving, okay?”
He quietly agreed. We started to walk back to the hotel in silence and that consumed me. I had the right to know what was happening, didn’t I? I just thought I shouldn’t ask for now, at least until we get to the hotel. Maybe what he said in the morning, “this is who I am” was because of this. My thoughts didn’t give me a break.
“We’d better get a taxi. I’m freezing.” — I said after we walked two blocks. Why is it so cold? He took off his coat and put it on my back, then he held me while we tried to find a cab. I felt relieved when I got into the warm taxi. Daniel was still holding me, rubbing his hands in my arms to keep me warm. He didn’t say anything, and that was killing me.
Back to the hotel he went straight to my room, took off his shoes and threw them away, lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling without saying a word. I sat beside him and he put his head on my nap like a scared child. I caressed his soft hair and waited for him to talk to me, but that never happened.
“What was it, Daniel?” — I felt his muscles stiffen as I asked. He took a deep breath before answering.
“I don’t want to talk about it now, Elena. Please.” — His voice was low, anguished.
“We need to talk about it. Now.” — He sat back to me and kept like that for a long time. He wasn’t going to talk, so I decided to start by the hardest subject. — “Who is Matt?” — I finally asked. He looked at me immediately with a cold expression and eyes filled with… pain? Anger? I had butterflies on my stomach and for a moment I regret making this question, but now I had no choice but to continue.
“What?”
“I noticed you change when someone talks about him… First Julianna, and today Caroline.” — He got up and started to walk around the room while rubbing his eyes.
“No.” — I think he was talking to himself.
“Why won’t you talk to me?” — My voice was low and he looked at me with great despair, but he didn’t say anything. Just shook his head like he was trying to forget something. — “Daniel?”
“I need to go out.” — He grabbed his coat on the armchair and headed to the door.
What? No! He can’t leave!
“Where are you going?” — I exasperated and he stopped, but didn’t look back.
“I need to be alone!” — He opened the door.
“Great!” — I grabbed my bag under the bed. He turned when he heard the noise.
“What is that?” — He came to me and tried to hold me, but I avoided him and got in the bathroom. I came back with my things and just threw them inside the bag.
“Elena, stop it!” — He held my arms.
“NO! I will make things easier to you, Daniel. Now you are alone!” — I shouted while packing my stuff. I also grabbed some clothes from the dresser.
“Elena?” — He called me again and held me. — “Stop it! What are you doing?”
“What does it look like? I’m leaving!”
“No!” — He seemed desperate.
“Why not, Daniel? I won’t continue with these games.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You! Your attitudes. I came to San Francisco because of you!” — I was losing control of the situation. I couldn’t think about what I was saying. — “What were you thinking when you left me inside that bar?”
“Elena…”
“Were you going to drink? Were you going to find any girl and have a good night of casual sex? What about me, Daniel? I’m supposed to be here and wait for you? No!”
Tears rolled down my face again. He let go of me, went to the door and leaned on the frame while looking down.
He isn’t leaving, is he? He can’t! Not now…
“Is that what I am to you, Daniel? Casual sex?
“How can you say that? Do you think I’d do that to you after all that happened between us?” — He got closer and held my face with his hands. I felt my legs loosening and he started to caress my face with his thumbs.
“Honestly?” — I faced him. — “I don’t know.” — He seemed hurt, but didn’t answer, just started walking around the room again.
“I don’t want to talk about it…”
“If you don’t talk to me and tell me what is happening, I’m leaving!” — I interrupted before he’d convince me that this conversation could wait.
“Why are you doing this?” — He seemed anguished and put his hand on his head.
“Because you’re hurting me and I don’t deserve it!” — He looked away. I got closer and held his hands. — “You can trust me, Daniel.”
He got silent for more time, looking away until he finally sat on the bed and started talking.
“Matt was my best friend… we grew up together. He… he died in a car accident three years ago.”
“I’m sorry.” — I pressed his hand to encourage him.
“I was driving the car.” — He stopped and looked at the ceiling before continuing. I noticed he had teary eyes and his voice was lowering. No! Please! Don’t cry again!
“I killed my best friend, Elena.” — He covered his face and rubbed his eyes. Seinghim like that was unbearable. — “I don’t talk about that… I never do it.”
He didn’t say anything for a few minutes, just held my hand and stood silent. He was trying to continue.
“We grew up together. All of us. Matt, Anna and I were inseparable. Our parents went crazy with the tricks we played. ” — He laughed as having a good memory, but he soon went sad again. — “They were in a relationship since childhood I guess. I can’t remember when it started. I spent almost one year traveling with them and the three of us worked in Verona.” — He stopped again and rubbed his eyes, I noticed he always did that when he was nervous. — “Three years ago we were coming back from a party, and Sophie too...” — He took a deep breath. — “That car came out of nowhere, Elena, and crossed the red light. I tried to break, I tried to avoid it, but I couldn’t.” — His voice choked. — “He died in that very moment.
I was conscious the whole time and I saw everything. I remember everything…” — He seemed out of control again. — “I saw my best friend dying and I couldn’t do anything!” — He started to cry. It was like he never allowed himself to feel this pain before. He kept it inside this whole time and worse, he blamed himself for that. He avoided talking about it because he wanted to pretend it was alright, but it just made his pain grow.
He lay on my nap again and stood still until he got calmer. I thought he wouldn’t say anything else, but as he composed himself he continued.
“Somehow Anna died that night too.” — I looked at him and didn’t understand what he said. — “They’d get married that year and she was pregnant. Everything she ever dreamed about ended that night.”
This moment something shouted inside my head so loud that it seemed real. ANNA!
Wait, now I was confused. Anna was Matt’s girlfriend, but... the same Anna?
“She tried to kill herself again, that’s what Owen told me that day.” — He was now facing me. — “That’s all my fault, Elena. Everything that happened to her is my fault and I don’t know…” — He shook his head. — “I can’t deal with that.”
“Daniel, Matt’s Anna is…”
“My ex fiancée.” — He answered before I could ask.
I couldn’t say anything after that.
“I said it was complicated.”
Yes, but I didn’t imagine it was so much! All this time he felt guilty. Guilty because his best friend died and it ended Anna’s life.
“Daniel, look at me.” — But he didn’t move. – “Will you look at me, please?” — I asked again, moving back to face him better, but he still stared at the floor. I put his hand on my face and held it for a moment. I touched his face and he finally looked at me. His eyes were swollen and red, he was devastated. I never imagined I’d see him like that. He was so self-assured. I leaned and kissed his soft lips.
“This isn’t your fault.” — I said while kissing his nose, his forehead, and his cheeks. — “It’s not.” — I repeated and he smiled sadly. — “You said the car came out of nowhere, he crossed the red light, that wasn’t…”