by KT Morrison
“Oh,” he gasped. It took five short tentative pulls to get himself out and he collapsed next to her, put his back against the couch and looked out over his studio. The room so quiet now he was aware of how loud they must have been. Nia slumped next to him, turned and put her hip on the concrete, hissed with pain.
He caught her eye. She looked back at him.
“Holy shit,” he whispered.
She shook her head and her mouth opened but she closed it again. She laughed, then stopped herself and covered her mouth with her hand.
He wanted to laugh too. She had devastated him, ruined him. But it was all in the past. It didn’t matter anymore. Her deceit, her lies, the infidelity. It was a long time ago. She watched him as he pulled his sweatpants up. His arms could barely work. He shifted weight on his hips so he could slide them up under him and pulled them over his glistening erection.
“Huh,” he chuckled and he rested his forearms on his knees.
Nia covered her face with both hands, spread her fingers and peeked at him from the open ‘v’. “Geoff,” she whispered quietly from behind them.
He jumped up suddenly. Jumped and scrambled and threw himself on his desk. Grabbed the baby monitor. He always left it open so he could talk to Odele while he was in here. She heard everything. Heard their disgusting sex, heard her dad call her mom a whore. Heard her mom say how much she loved her ex’s huge cock. He clutched the monitor, saw Odele on the screen, sleeping as soundly as he’d seen her earlier.
“Geoff, what? What is it?” Nia was crying now behind him.
He hugged the monitor to his chest tightly and he slumped back down next to her. He felt himself starting to cry. “It’s two-way, Nia. She could have heard us. Baby, the things I said...”
“The things I said...” she sobbed into her hands.
He fell against her, said, “Nia, I’m so sorry for all those things I said. You’re not a whore, you’re not a slut.” His body shook with his sobs.
She put her arms around him and she held him. She rubbed his back and her other hand scratched through his hair.
He cried, “I’m sorry for what I did...I...I...” He curled himself up in her lap and she soothed him. She was crying too, tears dripping along her jawline. She whispered, “I’m the only one should be sorry.”
2
Cherry Blossoms
Saturday, May 13th
NIA
The headache was intense. Not electric and sharp and stinging but slow and steady, an omnipresent thud that beat rubber hammers against the back of her eyes with her pulse.
But she was in his arms and that made up for everything. What in the world had she said last night? She remembered some of it. It was a little foggy, a bit like a dream, but she knew it was real. All those things happened. She’d said something horrible. Admitted something that had weighed on her more than she realized. Geoff had gone crazy too and he hadn’t even been drinking. And he did anal. Eleven years together as a couple and they’d never had better sex. She shook her head and sucked her lower lip into her mouth.
She was awake in bed, Geoff’s arm around her and she’d clutched his hand to her chest. She felt safe there. Geoff breathed against her, lightly snored. They’d been married now for almost ten years, she’d known him for thirteen. Never a fight, never a bad word. Geoff was her pussycat. Her infidelity was the only thing that had ever gone wrong between them. More wrong than Geoff even knew.
She stroked his bare forearm with the back of her long burgundy fingernails, back and forth, gently petting him. When he came awake the very first thing he did was pull her tighter to him, hugged her to his chest. She closed her eyes, so happy that she could be forgiven. She squirmed in his arms, let him hold her tighter, she pressed her back against him and tilted her head so he could get his face next to hers.
“I love you so much, Geoff,” she whispered.
His hand came up and held her neck and he pushed his face against her cheek, he breathed deeply and the sound so close to her ear made her heart sing. Her hands gripped his forearm tightly.
“I love you more than anything, Nia. I love you so much.”
The sun came in their window, streamed softly through the lace and it made the room seem so safe and warm. The way Geoff held her, despite some horrible truths, she felt like they were on the doorstep of something new.
“Hey, we’re naked,” she said. She could feel his soft penis against her bottom, his pubic hair scratching back there too as they spooned in their bed.
“Mm, we are,” he sighed.
“We’ve never had sex like that before,” she said, her nails working along his arm again.
“You liked it.”
“I know. It was so hot, Geoff.”
“I’m so embarrassed. I can’t believe I said some of those things.”
“Me too,” she whispered. She wanted to talk, wanted to talk about sex but not about the bad she’d done. She wanted him to forget that. Forget her truth that brought that filth from his mouth.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he said.
She winced from the pounding in her head, turned slightly to him, said, “No, I mean, I can’t believe I said some of those things.”
Geoff said, “It was hot. It really hurt. But, wow, yeah, that was incredible.”
She put her hand up to her collar, wiggled the tips of her fingers at him over her shoulder, she said, “Please rub my back, Geoff.” Anything to steer it away from her confession. She needed to move on from that.
Geoff’s hands came up and his fingers dug into her muscles there along her neck and into her back. Her head eased into the pillow, stretched herself out so he could work his thumbs into her. Geoff had magic hands. His long fingers, masculine but somehow elegant, eased the pounding, loosened some of the tension.
She said, “Did we do it again? Up here?”
He kissed her shoulder, told her, “No. Almost.”
“I didn’t think so.”
“Way we were going last night, you’d remember if we did.”
“We both said some dirty things.”
“We did some dirty things too.”
He was quiet, she knew he was thinking back there, his hands continued to work her but his touch felt tentative. She heard him sigh.
“So, you cheated on me.”
She bit her lip, looked out across the bedroom and out the window. “I did.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. It was a long time ago.”
“Didn’t you care about me?”
“Of course, Geoff. It wasn’t…like, I mean, it was really just sex.”
“Ouch.”
“Wouldn’t you be glad that it had nothing to do with wanting to be back together with him, or wanting to see if I still had feelings, or because I loved him? I had zero feelings for him.”
“No. Yes, I mean it’s better but it doesn’t make it much easier.”
She rolled around to him and his arms went around her. Her fingers went through his beard and she looked in his eyes. “Geoff, it was a long time ago and I swear it never, ever, even once ever came close to happening again. I tortured myself over it for so long, I know… I know how awful it was, how terrible I am. I knew it was wrong, I mean, that it was a mistake right away. And I knew after... how much I loved you. Fuck, it made me feel like I wanted to hurt myself, you know? That’s when I knew how much you meant to me.”
“Don’t hurt yourself.”
“Would you respect that I don’t want to talk about it anymore?”
“I don’t know.” His face was firm but troubled. She kissed his lips softly.
She said, “I feel like there was a lot of positive last night. But if we focus on the negative, and it can’t be changed, we’ll miss out on something amazing.”
He kissed her forehead then closed his eyes. “There was a lot of honesty last night.”
“There was.”
“I’m okay with all the things you said…”
“I’m okay too.
With what you said.”
“I can move on. As long as we keep being honest.”
“I like that. I can do that. I can be honest while you rub my back.”
He rolled his eyes, said, “Okay, turn around.”
“Geoff, really,” she said, turning herself around next to him and snuggling her back up against him again, “I feel so amazing about last night. I mean really excited. I feel like we’re about to start something new, you know? Something great.”
“Well, can I ask you something?”
His hands started working her again, easing that throbbing pain out of her muscles. She said, “Yeah, fire away.”
He paused, like he was building up nerve, finally said, “Uh, was Dino the biggest one you’ve ever had?”
“Really, Geoff? That’s how you want to kick this off?”
“If I’m being honest, yeah. Yeah, I do. Because it’s something I’ve thought about a lot.”
“Are you kidding?”
“No. It bothers me. Not knowing bothers me. Does that make sense?”
“I don’t—I guess so. You think about that?”
“A lot. Like, worry about it.”
“What would you worry about?”
“Fuck, I don’t know. It’s weird and obsessive, I know.”
“It’s okay.”
“Well? Like, how big was the biggest?”
“I don’t know. How big was the biggest? It doesn’t work that way. It’s more vague. Like, there’s small, medium, large and extra-large. There’s XXL too, but I’ve never seen one of those. You just hear about them from other girls. Probably just XL and they’re exaggerating.”
“You don’t think they exist?”
“Girls like to brag about their males. Not because they’re proud of them but they like to hurt other women with how male their male is. How much money he makes, how big he is, how good he is in bed. They like to make other women jealous. Show them their own value by the masculine quality of their male.”
“Very primitive.”
“Isn’t it? We can put on silk and lace, and work an iPhone, drive a car, but we’re just animals. Men and women.”
“So no one was the biggest?”
“I guess Dino was my XL. My biggest.”
“How big?”
“Mm. I don’t know. Like, if I was giving him a handjob—” she turned, put her hand on his lower belly, moved it up to his navel, “—it would come up past here.”
“Oh. Really?”
“Yeah, it was a nice one.”
“Okay. I don’t want to know anymore.”
“You ask me and I’ll tell you.”
“No more secrets.”
“No more secrets.” She saw something in his face, and had felt something below—a mild arousal. His flaccid cock was looking slightly plump when she’d shown him how big Dino was. “No secrets?”
He shook his head, agreed.
“Okay. Does this talk arouse you in some way?” His eyes darted away and she knew the answer. She pat her palms on his bare chest, said, “It’s okay. Don’t answer. Not judging. Ask me something else.”
She sensed it was another doozy because he took his time getting to it, like he might not even be able to ask it. Then, “You ever...fuck a black guy?”
She frowned and pulled a corner of her mouth up while she looked him over. “Yeah. Two.”
“Two?”
“Yeah, I’ve been with two different black guys.”
“Did they have big cocks?”
“No. They had cock-sized cocks.”
“I thought they were supposed to be hung.”
“Me too.”
He chuckled, “Were you disappointed?”
She laughed. “Yeah, ha ha, yeah, I actually was. I forgot about that.”
“Part of you wanted them to be big?”
Good question. “Interesting. I guess, yes. But, hey, I dated them because I liked them not because I thought they would be hung.”
He nodded again, his eyes drifting, his mouth firm.
She said, “Baby, it’s not about penis size.”
“That’s why you’re with me?”
“Why?”
“I’m small.”
“What? You’re not small. You have a penis-sized penis.”
“Like a black guy.”
“Huh? Oh, ha ha, yeah, like a black guy.”
“So, I’m as big as a black guy?”
“Yes. Big as the ones I saw.”
He made a mock expression of pride and she smiled for him, glad to see him with his humour back.
She said, “Penis size is silly. As long as it works, gets nice and hard...”
“It does matter though, somehow.”
She put her chin on his chest, said, “Well, it’s hot if a guy has a big one, but...”
“What?”
“It’s not necessarily better, really. Sometimes it can hurt. If he doesn’t know what he’s doing. The worst is a guy with a big dick who can’t stop talking about his big dick.”
“What’s the best?”
“Best what?” she asked.
“What would be the hottest combo? If you were to make a fantasy man in a lab...”
“Oh. Personality, number one. Humour. Sense of humour. I like arrogance. Ooh, I like toxic masculinity. A big, burly guy, funny, driven and decisive, but an asshole with a big cock, good in bed, gets hard quick.”
“Sounds just like me.”
“Baby, you said fantasy. They don’t exist. Personality, number one, that’s you. I love you so much, Geoff. And everything else you’ve got is pretty great too. I like your cock, I really do.”
“Am I good in bed?”
She whispered, “That was hot last night wasn’t it?”
“But before last night?”
“It was fine, baby. I never thought you were not good in bed.”
“But last night—you want more of that?”
“Don’t you?”
“Shit. Yeah, I do.”
She said, “Well, shit, yeah, I do too.”
“You screamed like a demon when you came last night.”
“That was real, you did that to me, Geoff.”
“Did you like that?” he asked, really smiling now.
“Oh fuck, did I.”
He rolled over onto his back and she wriggled into the space under his arm.
He said, “You think your new boss Rocco has a big one like his brother Dino?”
“You need to stop talking about other men’s cocks.”
“You don’t think that’s sexy?”
She laughed then frowned, shook her head No.
“I guess it’s not, is it?”
“No.”
“Your fantasy man wouldn’t talk about other men would he?”
She shook her head and giggled. “He smashes other men, knocks them out with his big, huge cock, swinging it around like a weapon held in one hand.” She pulled the sheets down, pinched his cock at the base between middle finger and index finger and started whipping it like she was hitting imaginary opponents. “Pow, pow,” she said.
“I wouldn’t knock out too many men with this would I?”
She laughed, “It might sting them a little.”
“You should write a kid’s book, you have an imagination...”
She was laughing at that when the door opened and they both jumped. Geoff grabbed the sheets and snapped them up. Odele stood in the doorway. Nia’s hand snatched up out from under the covers and she ran it through her hair oh so casually. Geoff chuckled, made the bed shake.
Nia said, “Good morning, sunshine, come here,” she waved her over with both her arms out, her hands clawing the air and drawing their daughter closer to them. She sat up in bed with the sheets tucked into her armpits, covering herself up.
Odele stood smiling in the doorway, a Little Book of Choo tucked under her arm. She looked at them, almost knowingly, she swung her shoulders gently like she was dancing and she chewed a lock of her
own hair held up between her fingers. Then she hopped and jumped and climbed on all fours up between her mommy and daddy, her book falling onto the bottom of the bed.
“Let’s just get under the blanket, okay, sweetie, stay on top of the sheets,” Geoff said.
“Okay, Dad,” she said, again Nia couldn’t help feel that this little girl knew why. She was a crafty one.
“How was your sleep, O?” she asked her once she got herself settled between them. Nia adjusted her sheet, tightened it up under her arms so she was covered. Saw Geoff doing the same and winked at him. His smile broke through his beard.
“It was good, Mom,” she said and she had her dad’s book up on her stomach and she cracked it open and she looked at all of her father’s wonderful cheery drawings of trains and train stations and tourists and workers, commuters... Geoff’s work was very distinct in his attention to detail.
“Guess what, Odie...” she said while her daughter kept reading and flipping. “That handsome guy right there said he’s taking the day off work and we’re all going to go have fun today. All three of us.”
Odele’s face went wide and her little pouted lips peeled to a smile. She was such a daddy’s girl. She dropped her book and turned to Geoff and she put her arms around him. Geoff smiled and she could see the warm feeling of love wash over him as his daughter wrapped her arms around his neck at the thought of spending the day together out of the house.
“I said that?” he laughed.
“I need you, Geoff,” she said earnestly.
“The day off? I have so much to do...”
“I need you, Daddy,” Odele said and she saw her daughter’s arms flex as she squeezed her dad tight.
GEOFF
Nia made French toast and bacon and Geoff brought the girls’ bikes out of storage. He’d put them in the crawlspace to keep them out of the way over the winter. He had the padlocked door open now, standing outside in the alleyway checking headsets, bolt tightness, pumping up tires. It was an amazing spring day today. He was glad he’d surrendered to his wife and given up work for the day. He felt like there was something fresh and new and incredibly arousing in his marriage. In his relationship with his Nia. He felt fully charged. Had things waned before? He never thought that they had but now at the footstep of this huge and unknown thing, standing in the fog and trying to surmise its exciting shape, he realized that it must have. The two of them had made love in ways they never had before, passions had been unleashed and burdens un-shouldered.