by Lilly James
“Mine!” He shouts, spittle coming from his mouth. “Mine.” He says again quietly. I step back and absorb the shock. Before now my father has never taken responsibility. Now he has, it feels like the ton of fucking weight that was on my shoulders have eased a little.
“It’s all my fault.” He begins to sob. His whole-body shakes, and the howling that comes out of his mouth is a sound I can only describe as a man in insufferable pain. “I will take this guilt to my death bed.” He wails. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
I stand here, fighting back the tears, clutching at my chest because the pain of him admitting fault, his apology that was long awaited has hit me all at once. This is all I have ever wanted. For him to tell me he’s sorry. For him to stand up and take the blame for my mother’s misery.
My dad calms down after wailing and coughing and clears his throat. “I love you, kid. I love you so fucking much. I’m sorry I wasn’t a good dad. I’m sorry I wasn’t a great husband. If I had time left in my life, I would make it up to you. But time has passed me by, and now I have no chance to make it up to you.” He starts coughing into a bloodied tissue he’s been fisting. He coughs so much I almost think he’s not going to ever stop.
I take a small step forward, hesitating to go to my dad. A man I can now see is broken as just as me. He’s sobbing all the suffering, the hurt, the anger and guilt, and almost losing breath from doing it.
I walk towards him, take the bottle of Brandy out of his hands and put my arms around him. I bring the frail old man into me and hold him for the first time in my life. Also for the first time in my life, I break down. Hard.
“Hunter.” He cries into my chest, gripping at my t-shirt. “Forgive me. Please, please forgive me.”
Tears murk my sight, but I hold on to the side of his head. “It’s okay, dad. It’s okay.”
I don’t know how long my dad and I remain silent after our breakdown. I can’t form any words. Only thoughts. I cannot forgive the way he treated my mom. I cannot forget that she would still be here now if it weren't for him. However, I can try and make the last of what he may or may not have left on this earth a little easier.
“I’m dying Hunter.” My father’s three words both break the silence and un-expectantly pinch my lungs together tightly.
“Cancer is treatable now dad.”
“Not mine, son, not mine. It’s too far spread. It’s what I deserve, I guess.”
I swallow down a lump. “Don’t say that. No one deserves this. No one. You hear me?”
My dad breaks away from me, and I sit on the edge of the bed. “I want to die, Hunt. I can’t put up with this pain no more.” He suddenly starts coughing so aggressively blood is coming spluttering out of his mouth.
“The doctors can help with the pain.” I quickly say, fetching him some more tissues. “I know the nurse says your denying treatment, but you can change your mind.” I get to my feet quickly. My phone is in my truck. If I can call an ambulance, they can help him right away. “I’ll get you help,” I tell him, heading for the door.
“Hunter!” My dad yells my name making me turn to face him. His eyes close, his heads fall’s back onto his headboard, and he shakes his head.“Please, son, please. Just let me die.”
I shake my head fiercely. “No, I won’t let you.” I start to cry, and I almost hate myself that I feel pity for this man. Yet half of me naturally does because he is my father. Half of me is hurting for him, and it’s killing every part of me inside. “Who is going to look after Brody? He needs you, dad.”
“He has you,” my father smiles, but he can’t hide his agony from me. “I know you will be the man your mother always taught you to be, Hunt. You are a better man than I ever was, and I know Brody will grow up to be just like you. I could never explain how proud I am of my boys. I just wish you could have been proud of me.”
“We are,” Brody appears in the doorway. I want to tell him to leave the room, but I fear my father only has a matter of time left, and I don’t want to take that away from him.
“You have been the best father to me, dad, please don’t hate yourself for that.” Brody’s eyes are red raw, and he sits right next to my father’s side. Brody knows as well as I do that my father has been a shit man, dad, husband. But Brody clung onto him when our mom died because he was the only parent he had left. All Brody has ever wanted was a family, just like any other teenage kid.
Fucking tears well in my eyes again, and my throat is so tight I can’t compose any words to try and comfort my little brother.
“You be a good kid for Hunt, now won’t you?” He says to Brody, holding him as tight as his bony arms will let him.
“Dad,” Brody’s sobs let loose. “Don’t go, please. Don’t go.”
I watch my dad’s eyes closing and I can’t take it no more. I rush out of the room in a fit of panic. Louisa is standing right there, but before I get to her, my knees give way.
“Hunter!” Louisa falls to her knees with me and cradles me in her arms because I am a mess. Emotions hit me all at once, and I feel like I’m drowning. Tears. Pain. Sobs. Screams. Agony. Guilt.
Louisa
I stand aside and watch the paramedic's wheel Hunter’s father out of the house. Hunter is standing opposite me, trying his best to keep it together for Brody’s sake. I am still crying silently over the way Hunter fell to his knees and broke down just now. I am also crying for the way Brody is calling his dad, loud, heart-wrenching screams. I turn my back on them and wrap my arms around myself. I know what they are going through. How it feels to lose a parent. Lose someone you cherish. The hardest part is knowing you will never get to see that person again. Never get to hug them at night. Never be able to pick up the phone and call them. Those simple things that seem so small in everyday life are the things I would kill to get back. It is such a shame that an ending of someone’s life, is what makes us sit up one day and tell ourselves that we must make each day count with the ones we love. No one will be here forever. Tragedy could strike at any moment, it's only then we ask our self’s “What if.”
I called the ambulance, I also called Hunter's maternal Grandmother, and I see her pull up slowly. Well, I am guessing it is her because when she gets out of her car she walks straight to her Grandsons. The moment is heartbreaking to witness.
I feel extremely out of place. I question whether I should have come here with Hunter at all. I question whether I should go to Hunter, stay where I am, or leave for home. They need space. It’s only when I decide I should leave, is when I see Hunter unlock from his Gran’s embrace, that he is looking for me. My gaze locks with his glassy eyes when he sees me, and he jogs towards me.
“I’m so sorry Hunter.” I wrap my arms around his waist and hold onto him so hard I don’t care if he can’t breathe.
Hunter kisses my forehead. “It all seems so unreal. What do I do, Lou?” he wipes a hand across his mouth. “I feel at a loss. How can I feel this way when I’ve hated him for so long?”
I shake my head and try to get him to stop thinking this way. “You hated your father as a human being, Hunter. You’re hurting for him now as his son. There is nothing wrong with that.”
He rubs at his eyes. “I guess.” He sighs, “I just…”
“Hunter, don’t beat yourself up right now.”
“You’re right.” He wipes at his tears. “I need to be there for Brody.” He glances over his shoulder to where Brody and his Gran are standing.
“Go to them,” I tell him. “If you like, I can head home–”
“No,” he says quickly. “Please, stay with me.”
I step closer to him and kiss his lips. “Always.”
Chapter 35
Hunter
My hand is clasped with Louisa’s hand as we sit in the back of my Gran’s car. Brody is in the front, and he hasn’t said one word. My Gran is already babbling on about funeral arrangements. Gran hated my father, understandably, but she would never wish death upon him. Gran calls my Uncle Tod and asks him
to get to the hospital to be there for the post mortem result. Gran says it’s too much for us to take. Too much for us to see so young. My brother maybe, but not me. Half of me wants to be there with my dad, half of me doesn’t.
The car starts and my Gran heads towards her house.
“Gran,” I say.
“Yes, sweetie?”
“Take me back to campus, please.”
I see my Gran shake her head. “No sweetie, it will be best if you all stay with me tonight.”
“Gran,” I say, my voice still soft but a little firmer. “I want to go back to campus; you can call me if the hospital calls you.”
My Gran’s shoulder slump. “Whatever you want, sweet pea.”
My Gran does a turn in the road and heads towards campus.
“Are you sure you don’t want to be with Brody tonight?” Louisa says.
I glance out of the window. “I just want to go home.”
She nods and says no more about it.
I am grateful that Ashby and Jaxon have gone on an all-night bender and won’t be home until tomorrow because I don’t think I could deal with anyone right now. I walk straight to my bedroom, throw off my clothes and climb into bed. I feel tired, yet so awake. I don’t think I will be sleeping much tonight. Louisa climbs in next to me, rests her head on my chest, and we remain silent, and still.
***
I wake up in the morning, and Louisa isn’t next to me. I swing my legs out of bed, rub at my swollen eyes and find some clothes to shove on.
“How did you sleep last night?” Louisa asks me as I make my way into the kitchen.
I pull out a chair, slump into it and shrug. “I closed my eyes, and it sort of happened.”
Louisa sighs. “If you slept then why do your eyes tell me different.”
“They’re lying.” I yawn. “Anyway,” I mumble, “Wouldn’t you know how I slept? You were next to me.”
I watch Louisa roll her eyes, then she sets down a grocery bag on the worktop. “I woke up early hours of this morning. I couldn’t sleep. I crashed out on the sofa for a couple of hours, then I did some grocery shopping for you.” She looks away from me and continues to unpack. “Let me cook you some breakfast. I know you must be hungry.”
I rub my hands over my face and feel a days’ worth stubble appearing on my jaw.
“I’m not hungry. I think I’m going to head to my Gran’s, find out how Brody is doing.” I push back the chair and get to my feet. I see Louisa’s shoulders drop and hear the deep breath she lets loose.
“Let me cook for you first.” She finds a saucepan and begins to fill it with water. “Sit down.”
I push the chair under the table, and Louisa tenses at the sound of the scrape. “I’ll have it later. Thanks.”
Louisa places the saucepan on the hob. “Then I’ll come with you.” She wipes her hand on the dishcloth beside the sink.
I shake my head and find my sneakers outside the kitchen door. “I’ll be good by myself.”
Louisa walks over to the saucepan tips out the water in the sink and then throws it down. “Hunter.”
I frown. “What?”
She gestures between us. “You’re acting weird.”
I blanch. “My dad has just died Louisa. I’m sorry if I’m not sure how the fuck to act.”
She looks down to the floor, and I know my words have hurt her, which means they have killed me.
“I’m sorry.” I sigh heavily. “I’m so sorry.” The floor is the next thing I look at because I can feel a painful lump rising in my throat and then my eyes are welling up. My shoulders start shaking off their own accord, and it’s like my body has no say over the matter. “Tell me what to do Lou? I feel helpless. I don’t know what to do.”
I’m blubbering like a fucking girl. Louisa holds me in her arms. They are pretty much all I need. That and someone to tell me which fucking direction I need to take my life in right now.
“He wanted me to care for him, and I couldn’t do it.” I sniff. “He wanted me to me act like a family, even though I never gave a shit. I didn’t love him, I hated him. Now he’s dead, why do I feel like I’m grieving? I have no right to fucking grieve.”
Louisa takes my cheeks between her hands. “It means you are brave, Hunter. You have a loving soul no matter how much you don’t want it.”
“How was there ever a space in my heart for my dad when it was filled with hate and pain?”
“You loved him, Hunter. I know you did. Just because you didn’t like him, or respect him, does not mean you didn’t love him.”
I clear my throat. “Am I a bad person for forgiving what he did?”
Louisa exhales softly. “Forgiving him does not mean you are condoning what he did. It means you are letting go.” She tips my chin up to make me look at her “If you don’t let go, how will you ever move on?”
I suppose she’s right. As always. I just don’t know how to let go. How do I move on from an emotion that I have been feeling for so many years?
Inhaling a deep breath, I swipe at my tears and give Louisa a tender kiss to her cheek.
“I need to see Brody.”
Louisa
“Hunt, what are we going to do?” Brody almost knocks Hunter backwards with how much force he throws himself at him with. It shatters me to see Brody, a young thirteen-year-old kid, break down in such a way he should never have to. Not knowing what to do, I walk out of the living room, and into the kitchen, leaving them to have some space. I pull out a wooden chair from the table and take a seat - my elbows rest on the table, my chin on my knuckles.
Losing a parent is life changing. It’s raw, and you experience more pain throughout your whole body than you can’t even begin to describe. Brody should be enjoying his high school days, not watching a parent being taken away in a body bag. Hunter shouldn’t have to be thinking about how he should bury his father, after losing his mother too. Life is cruel sometimes. Extremely cruel. What’s worse is that it is out of our control, and that is the hardest part. I will be here for Hunter every single day, every single second, every time he needs to talk, or not. If I can ease his pain just a little, then I know I am doing something of significance right now.
Hunter and Brody’s Grandmother, I now know as Bet, has gone to the hospital with Todd. I see a sticky note on the refrigerator. It’s telling me to heat up a Lasagna she made. I press the ON button on the stove and turn back to the table.
“Shit.” I gasp, holding my hand to my chest. Hunter is leaning against the wall. Watching me. “You scared me.” I was so deep in my own thoughts, I almost forgot where I was.
“Sorry, Blondie.” Hunter slips into the chair I was sitting in, so I move around the table and settle in his lap. Hunter nudges his head towards the living room. “Brody’s asleep. I think he’s cried himself to exhaustion.”
“It’s so hard for him. For both of you.” I rest my head-on Hunter’s' shoulder and snake my arms around his neck. “But I’m here for you Hunter. Okay?”
“I wouldn’t want you anywhere else. Thank you.” He kisses my neck. “I know this must be hard for you, Lou.” He brushes my hair out of my face with his fingers. “Having to re-live what you went through with your mom. It must bring back memories.”
I kiss his cheek softly. “Don’t worry about me. I just want to get you better. Shall we stay the night? Make sure Brody’s okay?”
Hunter smiles and nuzzles his head into my shoulder. “That’s why I love you.”
We decide it’s best to stay the night at Hunter's Gran’s, but we both need a change of clothes, so we head back to campus first. Hunter’s place is the first stop, and when we walk through the door, Ashby and Jaxon are back and lounging in the living area looking like they’re nursing hangovers.
“My man. Where have you been?” Jaxon says, throwing a pillow at Hunter. Hunter allows it to drop to the floor. “I’ve been trying to call you.”
“He’s been pussy whipping.” Ashby laughs, circling his hips suggestively.
Ashby and Jaxon pick up on the way Hunter and I are not in the mood for their jokes right now. “Did you two have a bust up? Trouble in paradise already?” Ashby mocks. “Uh oh.”
I glance over at Ashby and shake my head. Jaxon’s smile fades. He narrows his eyes towards Hunter and sits up straight.
“Hunt? Everything okay, man?”
Hunter tiredly rubs his hands over his face. “It’s my dad, he uh…”
“That prick.” Ashby scoffs. “What’s he done now?”
Hunter swallows. “He’s dead.”.
“The fuck out of here.” Ashby thinks Hunter is kidding.
I look over at Jaxon, and he’s frowning. “Don’t fuck around, Hunt. That’s not cool.”
Hunter brushes his hair out of his face with his hand. “He’s dead. Lung cancer. I didn’t even know he had it.” He scoffs in disbelief. “I mean, I tried to ignore that he had it. So, no, I ain’t fucking around.”
Jaxon jumps to his feet. “Fuck, Hunt. Fuck.” He quickly makes his way to Hunter. Even though Hunter stands back, Jaxon brings him into a hug anyway. I look away to give them privacy and Ashby is on his feet, mouth open and speechless.
“If there is anything I can do,” Jaxon grips Hunter's shoulders tightly. “You tell me. Got it?”
Hunter steps back from Jaxon and rubs at his eyes. “I appreciate it,” Hunter says.
“Hunt, man, I am so sorry.” Ashby is shocked, but I can see guilt from his words just now flashing in his eyes.
“Forget it.” Hunter means it and heads into his room. I follow him in and sit next to him on the edge of his bed.
“You have good friends, Hunt.”
Hunter lets out a laugh. “They’re crazy, but I love em.”
I nudge his shoulder. “And they love you, just as I do. Not as much as I do, but…” I smile.
“Lou,” Hunter’s voice has changed, even just saying my name. It’s softer, hiding uncertainty and depth. I can tell by the way he’s looking at me that whatever he is about to say, is hard. “Do you think life is here to test us?”