“Dashwood Heath,” Katie told him.
“What the hell is that?”
“One of their family estates up north. In fact, I’ve been there, Max, for a management retreat the Foundation had about a year ago. Max, it’s unbelievable; the house is actually a castle dating back to the seventeenth century and there’s a small village, a railway station, a lake and even hunting grounds, though I absolutely forbid you to even think about hunting. All of it is owned by the Sisters. King George gave it to their family centuries ago, can you imagine? You’d be Lord Bland of Dashwood Heath, which sort of has a ring to it, don’t you think? Anyway, it would be all yours: the castle, the land, the village, everything.”
Max was shocked. “Are they insane?”
“I’m beginning to suspect they might be,” Katie said. “And, Max, this lordship thing wasn’t even their first offer. They wanted to just pop over to the Bronx and buy you the Yankees.”
“And you turned that down? What the hell kinda negotiator are you?”
“Oh please, what do you know about running a baseball team?”
“What do I know about running a baseball team?” Max replied. “With the players the Yankees have the damn team runs itself, you twit! All I’d have to do is have a seat in the owner’s box during games and eat as much shrimp cocktail as I want.”
“The point is, darling, that the Sisters want a dramatic story from you and they have the means to provide you with anything you want.”
“What the hell makes ‘em think I wanna be a lord of some village God knows where?”
“They’re British; titles mean everything on this island.”
“And they can do this?” Max said after several moments.
“Trust me.”
“Why would they go to all that trouble? It doesn’t make sense.”
“They want things to be a certain way, I guess.
“But do you realize how ridiculously easy it would be for a guy like me to change that story from comedy to drama?” Max asked. “It’s only about choosing certain words over others, Katie; it’s not exactly rocket science. It’s hardly worth the price they’re willing to pay for it.”
“So it sounds to me like you’d be getting something for practically nothing,” Katie opined. “Is that a yes, then?”
“No, it’s not a yes.”
“Oh, come on, Max!” Katie said. “Think about it! Wouldn’t it be so amazingly cool for our family to have all that?”
But Max was shaking his head.
“Katie, the more I consider this thing the more it offends me,” he said. “Don’t you think it’s really crass of those two to believe that we mere commoners can be made to do their will simply because they’re rich enough to give us anything we desire?”
“I guess,” Katie said, accepting a glass of mineral waiter from their waiter. “But that’s how people like them operate, Max; you should know that.”
“But it still stinks. My artistic integrity is involved, you know that, right? As an artist I had a certain vision for that story and I worked very hard at bringing that vision to fruition; yet those two bluebloods you work for believe that I’d be willing to prostitute my artistic vision for the sake of something they can give me. It’s appallingly offensive.”
Despite the promise of being one of the Ladies of Dashwood Heath Katie told him that she saw his point. She even told him that she was very impressed with his outrage; that there are not many people, artists or otherwise, that would even consider refusing this offer.
“I’m even more impressed,” she concluded, “considering Diego wouldn’t be getting anything close to this.”
But Max shook his head at this and after taking a sip of his cream soda said, “Montrose would lose all respect for me if accepted this in exchange for rewriting my story.”
Katie laughed as she thought of something. She said, “Diego might lose respect for you but Danielle would probably have a spontaneous orgasm.”
“So would her mother,” Max agreed.
Katie smiled at him.
“I like this human side of you,” she stated. “Put some lipstick on and grow some boobs and I may want to shag you.”
Chapter 34
From: Danielle Edwards
To: Katherine Shaw
Subject: Crap day…
Sent: March 1, 1:45 PM
Hi Love,
Number one, I had a crap morning.
Number two, I just got off the phone with Mom and she and Nita want the three of us to go out to dinner with them tonight because apparently they have something very important to ask us but she wouldn’t tell me what. Are you able to go out for dinner tonight?
How did your lunch with Max go?
Love you,
Me
***
From: Katie
To: Danielle Edwards
Subject: Re: Crap day…
Sent: March 1, 2:53 PM
Sweetie,
Sorry it took so long to respond but Max and I didn’t go to lunch until 1:30 and I just now got back. You will NOT believe the meeting I had with the Sisters and what Max is considering turning down!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, why was your morning crap? What’s wrong?
I don’t have a problem meeting Arlene and Nita for dinner; just let me know what the plans are. I think you’ll have a hard time convincing Max. He already did his socializing for the day when he had lunch with me. Good luck.
Love you too,
K.
***
From: Danielle Edwards
To: Katherine Shaw
Subject: Re: Crap day…
Sent: March 1, 2:58 PM
What is Max considering turning down???????
***
From: Katie
To: Danielle Edwards
Subject: Re: Crap day…
Sent: March 1, 3:10 PM
I’m not telling you anything about Max until we meet for dinner and even then I’ll only tell you if he shows up! Ha!
Tell me about your crap morning, love. Let me guess…it has something to do with Sloane?
***
From: Danielle Edwards
To: Katherine Shaw
Subject: Re: Crap day…
Sent: March 1, 3:27 PM
I decided to drive Sloane to the airport today, remember? Well, my Mercedes is in the shop for a brake job, remember? So naturally I decided we’d go to the airport in my MG. My teeny-tiny MG! My teeny-tiny MG which wasn’t designed in 1960 to accommodate people the size of Sloane! The woman couldn’t fit in the car, sweetie! I’m not kidding. SHE COULD NOT FIT IN THE CAR! It was SO embarrassing and I felt so sorry for her!!!!! And I also felt SO guilty for not even considering the possibility. I ended up having to go back into the house to ask Max if I could borrow one of his cars.
Anyway, we’re driving to the airport in Max’s Jag and Sloane asks me if I had done that on purpose! I told her of course not; that I had naturally thought to drive the MG only because my other car was at the repair shop. She asked me what happened to the silver car (the Bentley) and I told her that under the circumstances I thought it would be nice to drive her to Heathrow personally seeing how she was my guest and all. And I reminded her that she was the one who was hoping that we’d become friends! But she didn’t believe me! She told me that ever since she got here she’d sensed that I had been waiting for a chance to embarrass her about how big she is! So I spent the entire drive to Heathrow trying to convince her that she got the wrong end of the stick and that I would NEVER do something like that. But she told me that even if I didn’t CONSCIOUSLY mean to do it that I SUBCONSCIOUSLY meant to!
Can you believe that??????
***
From: Katie
To: Danielle Edwards
Subject: Re: Crap day…
Sent: March 1, 3:34 PM
Sweetie,
That’s terrible! It sounds like something you’d see on Seinfeld. So how did it end?
***
From: Dan
ielle Edwards
To: Katherine Shaw
Subject: Re: Crap day…
Sent: March 1, 4:10 PM
Sorry…Sally came in with some crisis…it’s been like this all day.
Here’s how it ended: As we were approaching the airport I got over in the lane that would take us to the parking garage because I had planned on keeping her company until it was time to board but she said, “Don’t bother. Just drop me off curbside.” I thought about insisting but by that point I was done arguing because that’s all we had done for the entire ride there! So I just pulled up to the Departures curb. She got out and I drove off.
But do you think there’s the slightest possibility that she was right? I’ve been feeling sick about this ALL DAY. I really believe that I did not intentionally try to embarrass her by fitting her in the MG but you and I both know that sometimes people do things on that subconscious level…
***
From: Katie
To: Danielle Edwards
Subject: Re: Crap day…
Sent: March 1, 4:17 PM
There is NO WAY that bitch was right! Don’t you ever believe that! You have your moments but you would never be that intentionally cruel! And even on his worst days Max would never do something like that (I think). How the hell were you supposed to know that she wouldn’t fit in the mg? Who thinks of those kinds of things?
Sounds to me like Sloane isn’t as well adjusted about her weight as she made herself out to be. Are you going to be alright about this or would you like me to come over and give you a massage to ease the tension?
***
From: Danielle Edwards
To: Katherine Shaw
Subject: Re: Crap day…
Sent: March 1, 4:25 PM
Thank you for saying that! It really did seem schizo of her to tell you the truth. She seemed so sweet and good-natured before this. Oh well. She’s gone and her behavior today pretty much made up my mind about what kind of future relationship I’ll have with her: a non-existent one.
I guess I’d better call Max and tell him about the dinner invitation. I’ll call you later with the details.
Love you,
Me.
P.S. Can I get that massage tonight at home? ;-)
***
From: Danielle
To: BronxJedi
Subject: Hey there!
Sent: March 1, 4:30 PM
Babe,
I just tried reaching you on the house line but Maureen told me that you’re in your office presumably writing. Sorry for the interruption but this is somewhat urgent and I need you to either respond quickly or give me a call ASAP.
Mom and Nita have asked that we three join them for dinner tonight because they want to discuss something with us regarding the wedding. I’m waiting to hear back from Mom with all the details (time, place, etc). Please do consider coming because I got the impression that what they want to discuss is something important. Please, please, please????
Anyway, I can have Penry come pick you up at the house and then after dinner you, me and Katie could drive back home together in your Jag.
Please, please, please???? With sugar on top? Or, better yet…with me on top?
Love you,
Danielle
***
From: Max
To: Danielle Edwards
Subject: Re: Hey there!
Sent: March 1, 4:40 PM
The author read his wife’s e-mail message and then shook his head wearily. Important? he thought to himself. That’s a laugh. Knowing Arlene and Nita the “important” wedding thing which they wanted to discuss was probably something along the lines of “What color do you think we should paint our fingernails, darlings?” He sighed and then began typing a reply to his beloved. He warned her that she should not be disappointed when she realized at night’s end that the most intelligent thing her mother said during dinner was, “Waiter, I’ll have a martini, please…not too dry.”
He then added in the message that sure, he’d meet them all for dinner if only because he knows it’s the only way to keep his wife from bugging him about it to no end.
The author concluded with: “I love you dearly.” But just as he was moving the mouse in order to click on Send he decided to add a postscript…
“PS…did Katie tell you about her meeting with her bosses?”
***
From: Danielle
To: BronxJedi
Subject: Re: Hey there!
Sent: March 1, 4:56 PM
Babe,
You are so weird!
I just got off phone with Mom and we’re on for Nobu at 7. Penry will collect you at the house.
No, Katie did not tell me about her meeting with her bosses. She alluded to it but said she wanted to wait to tell me at dinner. Why don’t you tell me?
***
From: Max
To: Danielle Edwards
Subject: Re: Hey there!
Sent: March 1, 5:09 PM
I don’t wanna ruin Katie’s fun so I’m afraid you’ll have to wait. It’ll blow your socks off. See you at the restaurant.
Chapter 35
Later, at Nobu, during the interval between the placing of drinks orders and the arrival of starters, Katie suddenly announced with no preamble:
“Max is considering turning down a lordship.”
This had the effect of causing the mouths of Danielle, Arlene and Nita to simultaneously drop open as they stared first at Katie and then at Max in shock. Eventually it was Nita who, being British and perhaps understanding more the significance of what she’d just heard, said to Max, “Max, darling, you’re considering what?”
To which Danielle added, “A lordship, Max? Are you serious? No. You two are joking, right?”
And so Katie, quite bemused, recounted her meeting that morning with the Sisters—from when the glam-azon Priscilla summoned her upstairs, to how close Max came to owning the Yankees, to when Dame Addison had the idea to arrange to give Max Dashwood Heath in exchange for him changing his comedy into a drama.
“Dashwood Heath!” Nita exclaimed. “My God, Katie, the Dashwood Heath?” She looked as if she were about to faint.
But then Max jumped in to explain his reasoning. However, despite the fact that he did this quite eloquently, even employing an applicable quote from Henry James, it failed to put the matter to rest.
“You’re out of your mind if you don’t accept this,” Danielle stated. “Absolutely out of your mind.”
“I knew I could count on your support, dear,” Max said.
“Well, for God’s sake, Max, we only go around this stupid world once, why not grab as much swag as you can get, especially prestigious swag? You should consider yourself fortunate that your life has turned out so great that you’re in this position, you dummy.” She pointed at a nearby table. “Do you think that guy sitting over there woke up this morning and had a lordship offered to him?”
“Um, Danielle?” Nita said. “That gentleman you’re referring to is actually Lord Kenilworth; that’s his wife with him, Lady Kenilworth.”
“Okay, fine.” Danielle waved away the Kenilworths. “Maybe in London restaurants they have Lords and Ladies sitting at every other table but in the real world, Max, the average guy does not find himself in your position.”
“Max is not an average guy, darling,” Arlene admonished. “He is a quite accomplished author and it is perfectly natural this country gives him a lordship.”
“Oh, for Pete’s sake,” Max muttered, wishing now that this topic could have been kept between he and Katie.
“Lord Bland,” Nita said trying the name out. “Lord Bland of Dashwood Heath. My, that does have a ring to it, darlings.”
“And imagine how it would look on our wedding invitations!” Arlene said excitedly at which suggestion Nita’s eyes also sparkled with enthusiasm.
Max leaned forward.
“Wait a minute…why would my name be appearing on your wedding invitations? Lord Bland or not.”
“It’s to do with why we’ve invited you all out to dinner, darlings,” Arlene said. She and Nita shared a look and then they held hands. “Nita and I would like to know if you three will do us the honor of being our wedding party. Max, you would be our best man and Danielle, darling, you and Katie would both be maids of honor.”
“And we thought it would be nice to have your names appear on our invitations,” Nita added. “You know, something like ‘Ms. Nita Meadows and Ms. Arlene Corcoran, attended by Max Bland and blah, blah, blah—“
“How come Katie and I are the blah, blah, blahs?” Danielle asked.
“Oh, you know what I meant,” Nita soothed.
“Please, please, please reconsider taking the lordship, Max,” Arlene begged. “Just think of how much more fabulous it would be if our invitations stated ‘Ms. Nita Meadows and Ms. Arlene Corcoran, attended by Lord Max Bland of Dashwood Heath and blah, blah, blah.’”
“There you go again!” Danielle cried.
In an effort to move the topic off the suspect use of “blah, blah, blah” Katie jumped in to say, “Actually, I’m very proud of Max and I think none of you should pester him any longer about this idiotic lordship thing. As an artist he stands by his work and refuses to be bribed. He wrote a marvelous story and if the Sisters don’t want it then they can go to hell.”
Two for One-Relatively Speaking (The Two for One series) Page 31