The Ministry of SUITs

by Paul Gamble

  Jack realized that the moss was the source of light in the corridor. He slapped a piece of the moss hard and was dazzled as a puff of light exploded outward. Jack wondered how it worked and peeled a piece of it off the wall and put it in his pocket, deciding to think about it later.

  The corridor widened into a cave that would have been large enough to fit a cathedral inside. At the far end of the cave was a set of ten-foot-high double doors made of dark brown wood, banded across by rusted, black metal. The doors were flanked by two giant statues with squat arms and legs and crudely carved heads.

  There was something quite frightening about the statues. Anybody else might have stopped and turned around, but Jack had come too far now. He needed to know what was behind those doors. He needed to find Grey and make sure that David wasn’t the next odd kid to go missing.

  Jack walked toward the statues and the door. “I know what’s going to happen next,” he said to himself.

  When Jack was within ten paces of the doors there was a deep grinding sound from the statues and they slowly hauled themselves upright.

  One of the statues turned its dark, hollow eye sockets toward Jack and boomed at him in a voice that sounded like the sea rattling up and down against a pebble beach.

  “Halt! You are not known. Leave now or we shall crush you.”

  “Yeah,” said Jack, his eyes widening with fear, “that’s pretty much what I thought was going to happen.”

  * * *

  MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK

  INTERESTING PLANTS

  GOLDMOSS

  Goldmoss is often used by the Ministry to light underground passages and caves because it is environmentally friendly and also saves a fortune on the electricity bills.

  Goldmoss is an unusual plant in that it generates light. Like all plants, goldmoss is afraid of the dark. Anyone who knows anything about botany can tell you that plants are afraid of the dark. During the day daisies, sunflowers, daffodils … all flowers, in fact, are perfectly happy. That’s why they look so pretty and turn their faces to the sun. But if you ever look at plants, you will know that at night they close their petals. Some scientists were confused by this and came up with elaborate reasons why. They even went as far as to talk about photosynthesis and how plants can turn light into food. Of course this is patently ridiculous. If you could turn sunlight into food, then people with tans would always be fat. But quite often the opposite is the truth. People with tans tend to be thin. Which is absolute proof that sunlight can’t be turned into food.

  The real reason that plants close up at night is that they are terrified of the dark. They scrunch themselves up and hide until the morning comes.

  Goldmoss is so frightened of the dark that it actually produces its own light. Therefore when you poke it, it panics and lets out a burst of light.

  Most plants are afraid all the time. Which is why they never go anywhere. If they were brave, they might go for a walk and see what was around the corner. Generally plants don’t do this as they are paralyzed (literally) with fear.

  Occasionally a really old tree that has grown very tall will be brave enough to go for a wander. But this rarely happens. When Ministry Operatives notice that a tree has gone for a walk they will put up a sign to warn people, lest they get crushed beneath its enormous roots. You may have occasionally seen these signs—they say “Heavy Plant Crossing.”

  * * *

  10

  VANITY, THY NAME IS STATUE

  “I really don’t want to leave,” said Jack. “But equally I don’t want to be crushed.” Jack knew he had to get past the statues. His curiosity always seemed to get worse when someone wanted to stop him from finding out things. If he had to choose between a hundred pounds or a mystery box, Jack would pick the mystery box every time.

  “We are the door guardians,” said one of the statues. “If we allowed people to get through the doors, we wouldn’t be doing a very good job, would we?”

  “Can we at least talk about it?” pleaded Jack.

  “Oh,” said the statue as its hands dropped back to its sides. “I, uhh, I suppose we don’t have to smash you straightaway.”

  “Yeah,” said the second statue, “didn’t we learn something about that in the customer-care seminar the management made us go on?”

  “I’d rather not be smashed,” said Jack. “I’d just like to go through the door. That would be excellent customer service.”

  “I think that would be a step too far,” said one of the statues.

  “Yeah, I mean if door guardians let people through doors, then what use are they?”

  Jack pondered this. “Well, you really do make a pair of splendidly beautiful statues.”

  The statues laughed. “We know we aren’t attractive. Look at our barely carved heads,” one statue pointed out.

  The other statue chortled along. “Exactly, and look at our teeth. They’re just stalactites and stalagmites.”

  Jack felt that flattery was the route to try. “I disagree; in fact the both of you look very noble. Maybe you should forget about guarding the doors and just try looking decorative. That’s what most statues do, isn’t it?”

  The statues looked unconvinced. Jack would have to try harder.

  “Look, we’re all friends here, aren’t we.…” Jack realized that he didn’t know what the statues’ names were. “Umm, what should I call you?”

  “I’m Kevin,” said the second statue. “And that’s Barry.”

  Jack’s eyes widened. “Kevin and Barry? Really?”

  “Yeah,” said Kevin. “What’s wrong with that?”

  Jack shrugged. “I suppose I expected that you’d have names like Rocknar the Destroyer and Grogat the Mighty.”

  Barry laughed. “Who has names like that?”

  “You’d never get a job as a door guardian if you had a name like that,” said Barry. “I mean if you got a job application from a guy called Rocknar the Destroyer, would you accept him for an interview? Can you imagine interviewing someone like Grogat the Mighty for a job as a cashier in a bank?”

  “You have a point,” said Jack, who really wasn’t sure whether Barry had a point or not. “Although I suppose I might give a cashier job to someone called Grogat the Destroyer if I were a Viking.”

  “Aha,” exclaimed Kevin, “but how many bank managers do you know who are Vikings?”

  Jack had to admit that he didn’t know any bank managers who were Vikings. Although this doesn’t really prove anything. Jack may not have known any bank managers who were Vikings, but as he was only twelve he didn’t know any bank managers at all. “Look, if you let me through the door, I can help you look decorative and noble. Then that could be your purpose in life instead of focusing on smashing people.”

  “How could you make us look decorative?” scoffed one of the statues out of its badly carved mouth.

  “Being a statue isn’t about being gorgeous. I mean, let’s be honest: The Statue of Liberty isn’t going to win any beauty contests. But what Lady Liberty is really good at is accessorizing. What you guys need is a flaming torch or something like that. It’d make you look truly noble and dignified. Maybe help you meet some lady statues.” Jack winked at the giant stone figures.

  Barry looked suspicious. “And you have a flaming torch to give us?”

  “Not exactly,” admitted Jack, “but I can improvise.”

  * * *

  MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK

  STALAGMITES AND STALACTITES

  TELLING THE DIFFERENCE

  Stalagmites go up from the ground. Stalactites hang down from the ceiling. The way to remember this is that if a stalagmite gets big enough it MIGHT one day touch the ceiling. And a stalactite has to hang on very TIGHT or it will fall and smash on the ground.

  If you ever see stalagmites or stalactites, it’s generally easier to do what I do and yell “Wow, look at those pointy rocks.”

  It is also interesting to note that despite what geologists try and tell you, stalagmites are gene
rally man-made. For more information on this please refer to the section “Dinosaurs,” subsection “Trapping and Care of.”

  * * *

  * * *

  MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK

  STATUES

  VANITY

  Generally speaking, statues are very vain indeed.

  This is why you see those statues of Greek men standing around totally in the buff. Frankly, they should be ashamed of themselves.

  A lot of retirees go to museums. So maybe it’s not the statues that should be ashamed. Maybe the retired people should be ashamed for spending all their time hanging around in museums and looking at naked statues and naked paintings. Either way it’s fairly certain that someone should be ashamed of something.

  * * *

  11

  WEIRDEST INTERVIEW EVER

  The enormous doors that Kevin and Barry had been guarding swung open. Jack walked through feeling proud and perhaps even a little bit smug.

  “Thanks for this,” said Kevin.

  Jack hadn’t had a flaming torch; however, he had his school ruler and, with the judicious application of some sticky tape, had secured a large clump of the goldmoss to the end of it.

  The effect of this was to create an organic flaming torch. Kevin and Barry were now taking turns to hold it above their heads and strike Statue of Liberty poses. They had never felt so dignified before.

  They had thanked Jack for his invention and had opened the doors for him.

  Jack walked through the enormous doors and into a large white room. It looked like a cross between an old-fashioned bank and a Greek temple. The floor was made out of white marble, and fluted columns were placed around its edges. In the center of the room Grey stood, smiling. “Congratulations, Jack! You made it through the interview.”

  “That was an interview?”

  “Well, of course, I mean we wouldn’t let just anyone join the Ministry of Strange, Unusual, and Impossible Things.”

  “The what?” asked Jack.

  “The Ministry of Strange, Unusual, and Impossible Things. That’s who I work for. I knew you were a smart lad when I met you earlier, so that’s why I offered you a job. You figured out that we were based in the museum?”

  “Well, yeah. Where else would you get a bear and a lion in the same place? But what I don’t understand is that the animals in the museums are stuffed. And that bear we saw the other day was most definitely alive.”

  “Yes, it was,” said Grey, smiling. “But all the animals in museums are alive. None of them are actually stuffed.”

  Jack was stupefied. He had just walked through the museum and had seen a dozen animals standing stock-still. Could Grey be telling the truth?

  “Think about it, Jack. How could you stuff an animal? It would be full of cotton wool or sawdust. That would never stand up, never mind look as lifelike as museum animals do. So we don’t stuff animals; we use real animals.”

  “But why don’t they move around and escape, then?”

  “Well, before we bring them in we teach them to play musical statues. You know the game where you’re allowed to move when the music is playing, but you have to stand still when the music stops.”

  Jack remembered the game from birthday parties when he was little. “And it’s as simple as that?”

  “Animals are very competitive. So they all remain still when there isn’t any music. That’s why museums are the one place that never has any background music—unlike restaurants or supermarkets.”

  “So how did the bear escape today, then?”

  “That was annoying. Someone came into the museum with their phone turned on. It had a Katy Perry ringtone27 and when that started playing the bear stopped pretending to be a statue. It bolted out of the museum and I was sent to recapture it.”

  “Do the animals ever get to move?”

  Grey nodded. “Oh, yes, we play music for a few hours throughout the night, let them stretch their legs, get a bite to eat, and so forth. We only make sure that it’s turned off during the day when there are visitors in the museum.”

  “That makes sense,” said Jack, even though it didn’t. “Anyway, here I am—and I’ve got a mystery that I need to solve. I thought you might be able to help me.…”

  “Hold your metaphorical horses, Jack—before we could even think about helping you with a mystery, you’d have to be actually employed by the Ministry.”

  Jack shook his head. “I just came here to try and find out exactly what was going on—I think odd kids are being kidnapped from my school. And that means my friend David could be in danger. I need answers.”

  Grey rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Well, if you want answers, what are your questions?”

  Jack started trying to think of a question. “Who is … Is there a … Why am I … This morning there was a shoe and…” He quickly gave up. “Look, I just want to know what’s going on. That’s it—What’s going on?”

  “Aha!” said Grey, waving his umbrella. “That’s the question, isn’t it? And I have an answer to that.”

  “Oh, good.”

  “And the answer is, no one really knows.”

  “Mmmm,” said Jack. “Not a great answer, is it?”

  “I never said I had a great answer. Anyway, the Minister can explain all this to you.”

  “Does the Minister know what’s going on?”

  “Probably not,” said Grey. “But he will at least make you confused in a different way. Now follow me.”

  Grey led Jack through a door that led to a rather shoddy and scruffy-looking office corridor. As the corridor twisted and turned, the floors, ceilings, and walls bulged and sagged alternately. Occasionally a piece of plaster fell from the roof. Jack winced when some fell on his head. “Don’t worry about that; you’ll get used to it,” said Grey as he hurried along.

  “It’s a bit of a rubbish building,” Jack said, looking around.

  Grey nodded. “Part of the problem is that the architect was a fan of Doctor Who.”

  “And that’s a problem because…?” asked Jack.

  “Well, he wanted to make the building like the Tardis, bigger on the inside than on the outside. But he didn’t have any of the technology to actually do that. So he just ended up stuffing more into it than he really should have. It makes it kind of bulgy and very unstable.”

  Grey stopped in front of a door with a large white plaque on it that read “The Minister.”

  “This is the office of the Minister, the most powerful man within the Ministry. The only people who aren’t scared of him are those who don’t know he exists.”

  Jack felt his stomach knot.

  “Now, he’s a very nice man; just don’t say anything about the way he dresses.”

  “What’s wrong with the way he dresses?”

  “Well, he wears a long black cassock and has a white dog collar.”

  “So he really is a minister, then?” asked Jack.

  “Well…” considered Grey, “you know the way some people are slightly eccentric?”

  Jack nodded.

  “The suspicion is that the Minister has fallen off the edge of eccentric and into a big vat of totally mad.”

  “And they still let him be in charge of the whole organization?”

  “Yes. Being strange in the Ministry isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it’s probably a prerequisite for success.”

  “I’m beginning to realize that,” said Jack as he raised his right hand and rapped hard on the door. From inside, a voice called out for him to “come in.”

  Pushing the door open, Jack found himself in a very ordinary-looking office, with an ordinary-looking desk. Sitting behind the ordinary-looking desk was an ordinary-looking man. Or at least he would have been ordinary-looking if he had been a clergyman, for as Grey had warned Jack, he wore a full set of vestments.

  “You must be young Jack. Come in, sit down.”

  Jack walked through the door and took the seat that the Minister indicated.

  “I i
magine you have a lot of questions.” The Minister smiled at Jack. Or at least Jack assumed it was a smile. It was hard to tell because the Minister had no teeth at all. He didn’t look old enough to have lost them due to decay. Indeed the Minister looked like a middle-aged but vigorous man. His hair was cropped close to his head and his eyes shone.

  “So, Jack, this is your time to ask questions, and you may not get such a good opportunity to ask them again—so…”

  Jack didn’t need the offer to be made twice. “What happened to all your teeth?”

  The Minister suddenly looked angry and for a moment Jack thought that he had made an error in judgment. The Minister saw the look of fear on Jack’s face and his own face softened as he tried to smile again. “Don’t worry, Jack,” he said, “I’m not angry with you. I was just remembering how I lost them. You see, one night last week I fell asleep with my head under the pillow, and the Tooth Fairy came and took them all. Not a thing I could do about it either. Any teeth left under the pillow are his legal property. Fair and square—he had the contract to prove it. But there’s a lesson to be learned. The Tooth Fairy may have a silly name, but he’s as hard as nails and ruthless with it.”

  Jack was used to hearing all manner of strange things by now, but there was something in the last sentence that caught his attention.

  “The Tooth Fairy is a he?”

  “Of course he’s a he! Didn’t you know? A nasty piece of work as well. Take my advice, Jack, give him a wide berth and always sleep with your head above the pillow. Otherwise you’re just asking for trouble.”

  This didn’t make any sense to Jack. He’d heard of people collecting thimbles or stamps. But why would anyone collect teeth? Apart from anything else, if you tried to glue teeth into an album, the pages would never close properly. “What does he actually do with the teeth?”

  “Makes the white keys for pianos.”28

  “Really?”

  “Of course. I mean, you don’t think that he leaves money under pillows out of the goodness of his heart? He makes a fortune by using them to make piano keys. A shrewd financial mind, an evil heart, and he looks ridiculous in that pink tutu he wears. Still—incredibly rich. But never mind the Tooth Fairy. Surely you have some more questions about the Ministry?”