by Paul Gamble
He was looking at the world’s first ever steam-powered bone dinosaur. Blackbeard Junior’s smile broadened in an annoying way.
The enforcer stood perhaps thirty feet tall and wasn’t made up from the bones of any single dinosaur. Dozens of differing white bones had clearly been wired together to create the monstrosity. It had the back legs, thighs, and body of a Tyrannosaurus rex. Instead of the small front Tyrannosaurus paws it had a pair of long, thin legs that allowed it to walk forward on all fours or rear up in the air. Its neck was that of a Diplodocus, thirty feet long and articulated so it could lash its head backward and forward. Its head was that of a Triceratops with a bony collar and a large horn sticking out of the end of its nose. To top it all, it had a long, armored tail that ended in a knobby ball. It smashed this down intermittently, leaving a series of holes across the ground.
Inside the rib cage of the bone dinosaur was the large metal boiler that had previously been inside the school. It operated the bone dinosaur’s movements through a series of levers and pistons. The boiler glowed red-hot and belched oily smoke.
It was the last piece of the puzzle. Jack knew why everything had happened now. He felt oddly satisfied and terrified at the same time.
“Are we fast enough to fight a steam dinosaur?” asked Jack.
“Fast doesn’t come into it,” said Trudy. “It’s made of solid dinosaur bone and metal. If we hit it, we’re likely to fracture our fists. We’ve got to figure out what its weakness is.”
Jack looked behind him to where the rope ladder hung. It seemed as if most of the children had escaped.
“You might beat us, Blackbeard Junior, but the children have gotten away.”
Blackbeard Junior chuckled. “Doesn’t matter. The digging is finished. I have control of the turbines that will sail this island wherever I want. When those children with hooks for hands see how powerful I am they’ll realize that being a pirate is better than being a passenger.”
“And what about the people who aren’t pirates?” Trudy spat at him. “They’ll fight you.”
“Oh, really? Let’s just see what happens when I sail us to the North Pole and leave us there for a few years. Or maybe I’ll sail us into the middle of a hurricane. People will obey me, or they will face the consequences.”
Jack was beginning to realize that Blackbeard Junior was so insane that his plan might work.
“And if anyone tries to attack me, they’ll have to face my steam dinosaur. You also need to keep in mind that we’ll be sailing the seven seas. No one will be able to find this small country—so there’ll be no help from the outside world.”
Trudy turned to Jack. “If your plan is working, Grey should be here by now.”
Jack glanced at his watch. “We don’t know how accurate those maps were. It might take him a little longer than we thought. You reckon we can hold off a bone dinosaur for five minutes?”
“I reckon I can avoid a fatal squashing from a steam-powered bone dinosaur for five minutes,” Trudy said with a smile.
They took up elaborate battle stances with their arms outstretched and fists clenched.
“Do you know karate?” Jack whispered to Trudy.
“No,” Trudy whispered back.
“Then why are we standing like this?”
“I have no idea.”
The steam dinosaur crashed forward onto all four legs and swung its neck and head at the pair, trying to knock them over. Like an Olympic athlete Trudy twisted and performed an effortless high jump, clearing the neck vertebrae of the steam dinosaur.
Jack was a second behind Trudy and knew that he wouldn’t clear the obstacle as easily. Instead he ducked and slid through the dirt, missing the Triceratops collar by mere inches. The dinosaur reared onto its back legs and lashed out at Jack with a bony foreleg. The sheer size of the dinosaur leg caught him and sent him hurtling across the room.
Jack crunched into a soil wall and fell to the ground. He was conscious, but barely. He watched across the room, knowing that if they were going to survive, Trudy was going to have to save the day.
The steam dinosaur aimed a second leg at Trudy. As the leg swung she leapt onto it and grabbed it with both hands. The steam dinosaur seemed to be confused, as Trudy hadn’t gone sailing through the air like Jack had. Using the dinosaur’s momentary hesitation, Trudy clambered up the leg and swung herself onto the rib cage.
The dinosaur used its long, articulated neck to turn its head and look at its own rib cage. Trudy dangled on the outside, holding on to a large rib bone with a single hand. The dinosaur’s head swayed on the neck and then lunged toward her. Trudy scrambled up, using the rib cage as a ladder. She only just avoided getting impaled by the enormous nose horn as it tore a shred off her shirtsleeve.
Trudy’s hand slipped inside the rib cage and touched the red-hot steam boiler that was powering the bony monstrosity. She swung backward, barely hanging on with her one unburnt hand.
“Why don’t you give up?” shouted Blackbeard Junior. “He’ll get you sooner or later.”
The dinosaur lunged toward Trudy again with its long bony Triceratops horn.
“Watch out!” croaked Jack. He summoned all his strength, stood up, and started to run toward Trudy and the dinosaur.
Trudy caught sight of Jack running. “Run the other way, Jack—I’ve had an idea!”
Jack was confused. What kind of idea had Trudy had that would necessitate his running away? And anyway, how could she possibly have an idea that would defeat the steam dinosaur—that would take an explosion!
Luckily, although neither Jack nor Trudy had brought anything that would explode with them, the steam dinosaur had …
Trudy was still hanging on to the rib cage of the steam dinosaur as it turned its head. The dinosaur used its incredibly flexible neck to attempt to impale Trudy on its horn.
The horn was less than a foot away from Trudy’s body when she deliberately let go of the rib cage. She fell fifteen feet straight down, but more importantly, the steam dinosaur’s horn kept moving straight on, through its own rib cage, puncturing the boiler inside.
There was a massive CARUMPH 87 and the boiler exploded in a blaze of oil, smoke, and fire.
Literally a few seconds after Jack had been running toward the steam dinosaur he found himself being blown away from it. He choked on smoke, and the heat of the flames on his face caused him to scramble blindly backward. First he was deafened by the roar of the burning air; then he heard a sound like a thousand xylophones being dropped from a helicopter. Fragments of bone were falling on the ground around him. The steam dinosaur had been destroyed. It had been more than destroyed—it had been blown into a thousand tiny fractures.
Jack tried to get to his feet but fell back down instantly. His right ankle had twisted under him and he felt rods of pain shoot through his leg. Jack grimaced and bit his lip. He turned back to where the steam dinosaur had been and saw Trudy lying half-unconscious and bleeding. A shard of dinosaur bone had gone straight through her shoulder. Considering she had been wounded in the shoulder by a mole only a few days ago it definitely wasn’t a good week to be Trudy’s shoulder.
Jack’s world darkened. He looked up to see that Blackbeard Junior was casting a shadow over him.
“You’ve destroyed my steam dinosaur. No matter. I only built it to see off anyone who tried to stop me and it seems to have done that when it exploded.”
Jack should have felt more triumphant, but his shoulders sagged and the only thing he really felt was tired.
Blackbeard Junior kicked Jack’s ankle. Jack’s face contorted in pain. “Why did you do that?”
“I used to be a P.E. teacher, Jack. So I’m pretty much pure evil.” Blackbeard Junior laughed to himself. “And you folks at the Ministry would put me in a Piratorium, if you caught me. So you have to expect a little bit of gloating.”
“Well, what if we didn’t? What would you do then?”
Blackbeard shrugged. “Kill people. Steal treasure. Sink boats. Just n
ormal piratey things, I suppose.”
Although Jack felt that this sounded less evil than the kind of things that the average P.E teacher did, he still knew he had to stop Blackbeard Junior. “So what happens now?”
“Do you see the digging equipment over there?” Blackbeard Junior indicated a range of machines, excavators, trucks, and drills. “Do you see the large black tube in the middle?”
Standing in the middle of all the modern construction equipment was something that looked like a relic from a bygone era. It was an enormous cast-iron tube fifty feet high. It flared out slightly at the top, where a long wire was attached. Jack traced the length of the wire with his eyes. It ran down to the ground and across the floor of the cavern and finished in Blackbeard Junior’s hand.
“What on earth is that?” asked Jack.
“It’s beautiful is what it is. It’s the world’s largest gunpowder cannon. I call her Queen Anne’s Revenge after Great, Great, Great, Great, Great-Granddad’s old ship.”
Jack should have been formulating a plan of escape, but as usual, his curiosity was making him focus on entirely the wrong issues. Instead of thinking Can I stand and run? he was far too interested in Blackbeard Junior’s cannon.
“Is it pointed at the ground?”
Blackbeard Junior winked. “Bright lad—it is indeed. And it’s loaded with a cannonball stuffed with explosives. When I light this fuse it’ll burn to the cannon and set it off.”
“You’re going to shoot the earth? You really are insane.”
“Not at all. The explosive cannonball will cause a series of shockwaves to spread across the ground. As the shock waves move they will become more powerful and faster. When they hit the edge of the country they will rip it free from the final few pieces of land that hold Northern Ireland in place. And then the reign of the greatest pirate ship in the world will begin!”
Blackbeard Junior turned to walk away. Jack realized it was all over. Trudy was unconscious and he could barely stand. The Speed was of limited use when you couldn’t even get yourself into a vertical position. Grey was nowhere to be seen with the reinforcements.
They had come so close to winning, the children were freed, Blackbeard Junior’s plot had been exposed, and Trudy and Jack would only have had to smash the earthquake cannon to be victorious. However, there was little chance they could achieve that now.
Jack looked at Blackbeard Junior, who was struggling to light the fuse. It was difficult to strike a match when one of your hands was a hook. The matches dropped and spilled on the ground. Blackbeard Junior glared at Jack as if daring him to say something.
Jack didn’t say anything. But the look had made him decide to do something. Even with a twisted ankle. Even with eight pirates and Blackbeard Junior to fight. Even with the odds impossibly stacked against him, Jack wasn’t going to give up.
From somewhere far away he heard a deep rumbling noise. Was it Grey with the cavalry? Maybe if he could just delay Blackbeard Junior for a few more minutes.
Jack slowly rolled over onto his knees.
Blackbeard Junior looked up from the matches. “What are you doing, boy? It’s over; give it up.”
Jack shook his head and pushed up. His ankle felt like it had a dozen red-hot skewers stuck though it. But he could do this. He could do it for David, for Trudy … for Grey … maybe even a little for Cthulhu and the Misery.
“It isn’t over, Blackbeard Junior. It isn’t over until you kill me. And if you know anything about the Ministry, you know that one determined operative using The Speed is more than a match for eight mangy pirates.”
The mangy pirates looked slightly disgruntled at being described in such disrespectful terms. Mr. Rackham clacked his pincer in an indignant fashion.
“You reckon you can beat eight pirates, lad?”
Jack was pretty sure that even if his ankle had been broken he wouldn’t have been able to beat the eight pirates with their hooked hands and cutlasses. However, it was something that he certainly wasn’t going to admit to Blackbeard Junior.
“I reckon I can. You fancy giving up? I’ll go easy on you.”
Blackbeard Junior wobbled his head from side to side as if he was weighing his options. “The thing is, lad, it’s a kind offer. But I’ll be getting on with lighting the fuse here. Lads, finish the pip-squeak off.”
The eight pirates, led by Mr. Rackham, advanced on Jack.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
BEING SAVED
IN THE NICK OF TIME
Many people ask what the key skill for a Ministry operative is. Probably the most important to practice and cultivate is “being saved in the nick of time.”
Of course, there isn’t actually any other way to be saved than in the nick of time. If you get saved before the nick of time, then you weren’t really in danger and so it doesn’t count as being saved. However, if you get saved after the nick of time you probably haven’t been saved and therefore all that anyone can do is order a wreath and inform the next of kin.
Therefore, if you are being saved, it is essential that you try and arrange it to be as close to the nick of time as possible.
* * *
49
ABOVE STANDARD CAVALRY
Blackbeard Junior had somehow managed to get a match stuck to the end of his hook and was attempting to strike it against the edge of a matchbox.
Jack could still hear the rumbling noise close by. Although it didn’t seem to be getting any closer—were Grey and the reinforcements lost in a nearby passage? He needed some way of signaling them so they knew which direction to take. However, with the eight pirates advancing on him it didn’t seem as though he would get the chance.
“I never liked you, Jack,” sneered Mr. Rackham. “You were awful at rope climbing.” Rackham dropped the chalkboard that he normally carried and drew a cutlass with his one good hand.
And then Jack had an idea. He knew how he could signal Grey. The idea made him feel elated; however, he focused on how sad he would be if the pirates killed him. How sad he would be to never see Trudy again. How sad he would be to miss future adventures with the Ministry. The Speed descended on him and, with fire burning through his damaged ankle, he sped toward the pirates. The Pirates could barely believe their eyes88 as Jack streaked toward them.
Jack dived and rolled before anyone could stop him. He reached out and grabbed the chalkboard Rackham had dropped. Blackbeard Junior lit the match and applied it to the fuse, which started to burn toward the cannon. “Got her lit, lads!” he bellowed. The pirates let out an enormous cheer.
“Bon voyage, Jack. Me and the crew will be going topside now. I’m afraid the two of you don’t have tickets. I imagine you’ll be blown to smithereens when the cannon goes off.”
Jack looked at Blackbeard Junior. “Just one more thing.” Jack dragged his fingernails across the chalkboard. The screeching noise echoed loudly across the cavern, setting everyone’s teeth on edge.
Blackbeard Junior seemed puzzled. “Well, it’s a very unpleasant noise, but we’re still going to leave you here until the cannon goes off. So I don’t…”
The screeching sounds of Jack’s fingernails on the chalkboard were still echoing around the cavern.
“… think that you should be…” Blackbeard Junior was interrupted in his gloating by the low rumbling noise getting louder—it was beginning to blot out the echoing chalkboard screech. Blackbeard Junior looked around but couldn’t figure out where the rumbling was coming from. He strode back over to where Jack lay. The pirates stayed where they were and chattered nervously.
“What on earth is that?” Blackbeard Junior asked. “What’s that noise?”
Ignoring Blackbeard Junior, Jack squinted into the dark of the cavern and saw something that made him want to cry with happiness.
“It’s my friend Grey … with the cavalry.”
Jack pointed into the darkness. Blackbeard Junior turned to look. His jaw dropped.
There are many am
azing and beautiful sights in the world. Northern Ireland has the beauty of the Giant’s Causeway and the picturesque North Coast, America claims the awe-inspiring size of the Grand Canyon, London has the architectural gem of the dome of St. Paul’s cathedral, Paris has the industrial engineering masterpiece that is the Eiffel Tower.89 These are all wonders of the world and amazing to behold. However, none of these stunning sights could have filled Jack’s heart with as much joy as what he saw coming lumbering through the enormous cavern.
Dozens of fully grown dinosaurs. Stegosaurus, Tyrannosaurus, Triceratops, Diplodocus, Iguanodons, hovering Pterodactylus, Velociraptor weaving in and out between the feet of their larger companions. And many, many others. And the colors! Bright reds, silvers, gold and orange, vivid purple. It was a veritable rainbow of dinosaurs.
“This isn’t possible!” yelled Blackbeard Junior. The dinosaurs did not seem worried about whether people thought they were possible or not; they kept thundering across the floor of the cavern getting nearer and nearer. Blackbeard’s eight pirate henchmen started shuffling their feet nervously.
Jack decided it was time to get out of the way as the dinosaurs were close to full stampede mode after being excited at hearing what they assumed was a mating call. While Blackbeard Junior was distracted by the oncoming dinosaurs Jack managed to stand and hobble his way over to Trudy.
The bone splinter was still embedded in Trudy’s shoulder, but he was relieved to see that it had stopped bleeding. It was right in the same spot where the mole had hit her earlier, but on the bright side it meant that she would have only one scar. When she woke up Jack was fairly sure it was going to sting a bit.
Jack hauled Trudy over to the relative safety of the alcove and helped her into a sitting position.
“Trudy? Are you okay?” He had to speak loudly to be heard over the sound of dinosaurs stampeding across the enormous cavern.
Trudy’s eyes flicked open. “Okay? Am I okay? What kind of a question is that? I’ve got a piece of dinosaur in my shoulder. Of course I’m not okay.”