Tao was the best player I’d ever encountered, even better than Bernard, I thought, but it didn’t matter.
Because I was better.
CHAPTER THIRTY
I GOT HOME VERY EARLY Sunday morning and took a taxi home. It cost a fortune, but I didn’t have much to worry about in that respect anymore. I wasn’t rich by any means, but I had enough to fix my floor, enough to make some real plans for myself. Tao was gracious in his loss. He actually laughed so hard he teared up when I felled his queen.
“You’re my arch nemesis, Lily Hahn,” he told me, handing me a piece of paper with his email on it as he shook my hand and laughed all the way out the door.
I’d turned around to find Bernard. He’d greeted me with glassy eyes.
“Good job, young lady,” he’d said.
Though I was tired, I agreed to meet Hollie and Matt with the girls for dinner that night. They were dressed so prettily it made my heart ache. We met at an old lobster house near the shore where I lived. It was a nice place. I’d never been there. Whenever I passed it as a kid, even as a teen, I always thought it was the kind of place only rich people went to.
I looked down at my phone when we sat at our table. I didn’t know what I was looking to find. Salinger hadn’t been on my flight on the way home. I’d planned on talking to him there, but he’d purposely avoided me. I ignored the pit in my stomach it caused. When my check cleared the bank, I had plans to pay him back, not just for the flight but for all the help he’d given me while I fought to improve my old house.
“What looks good?” Matt asked the table, perusing the menu.
“I want chicken fingers,” Callie said, propping a small Lego set on the table.
“I don’t know if they have chicken fingers, Cal,” Hollie absently answered her. Her finger scrolled down the menu and landed at the bottom. “Good news for you, Cal, they have chicken fingers.”
Eloise looked at Matt. “Who doesn’t have chicken fingers?” she joshed.
He made a goofy face at her. “I know, she’s silly.”
My heart started to break all over again. Their easy banter, easy manner amongst them hurt so deep.
“What are you getting?” Matt asked me.
I startled aware. “Oh,” I cleared my throat, “haven’t really looked.”
“Well, pick whatever you want,” he said, “our treat.”
“Th-thank you,” I whispered.
“Oh!” Hollie exclaimed. “How did your chess tournament go?” she asked me.
Matt smiled at me. “Hollie told me all about it,” he said. “We looked it up and everything. How’d you do?”
I swallowed nothing. “Yeah,” I blushed, “well, I won.”
The table got quiet, including Eloise and Callie, but they were looking up at Matt and Hollie trying to figure out why they looked so shocked.
“What’s going on?” Eloise asked.
“You won?” Matt asked for confirmation.
My face grew hotter. “Yes, sir. I won the whole tournament.”
Hollie squealed in excitement and clapped her hands. “Oh my gosh, Lily, that is so wonderful. Congratulations!”
“Congratulations indeed,” Matt said. “I’m so impressed. I think this is a celebratory dinner then.”
“Someone tell me what’s going on?” Eloise insisted again.
“Your sister Lily has won a very difficult chess tournament, Ellie,” Hollie explained, striking a dagger through my stomach with her new nickname for my sister.
Eloise looked at me, her eyes wide. “Wow, Lily! That’s so cool!”
“Thank you, baby.”
Callie nodded at me and smiled like she had any idea what we were talking about. I winked at her.
“Hey, we’ve got some good news, too,” Eloise told me.
“Oh yeah?” I asked her.
“Yeah!” she said. “We want Matt and Hollie to be our mommy and daddy now. Isn’t that cool?”
My heart beat a million miles an hour. I scooted out of my chair a little and stared at Hollie and Matt, who looked surprised by Eloise’s outburst.
“What is she talking about?” I asked them.
Matt crouched, trying to decide whether to stand. He decided against it and sat back down.
“We didn’t want to spring this on you,” Matt explained.
“Spring this on me? What are you talking about? You can’t have them. You can’t have them!”
“Now, Lily,” Hollie tried to soothe.
“Don’t,” I bit. “Stop. They’re mine.”
“Lily,” Matt quieted.
“No!” I practically yelled. The restaurant grew silent. “You have no right!”
Eloise looked up at me confused. “Don’t yell at them!” she defended.
I looked at her. “Wheeze,” I desperately pled, “you don’t mean that. Don’t you want to come back home with me? You and Callie?”
Eloise looked like she didn’t know how to answer.
“Baby, I’m your sister. Don’t you want to come back home with me?”
“Could Mom and Dad come live with us too?” she asked. She reached for Hollie’s hand. She was reaching for reassurance. She was reaching for security.
I felt sick to my stomach.
Callie stood up and went over to Matt, sitting in his lap. She was doing the same. They were scared. Scared I’d take them away from Matt and Hollie.
I stood up, my napkin falling to the floor. “Oh my God,” I repeated over and over.
“Lily, sit, please,” Matt offered. “Let’s just have a discussion. That’s all.”
“Oh my God,” I said. “I can’t lose them,” I whispered.
“We don’t want that either,” Hollie assured me.
“But you do want to keep for yourselves.”
Hollie looked at Matt and that was all the confirmation I needed.
“You can’t have them,” I told them. The girls looked scared and both clung to Matt and Hollie. “No,” I pointed at them, “you can’t have them, do you understand me? They’re mine. They’re mine and you can’t have them.”
I ran away from the table, straight for my car, and hopped inside. With shaking hands, I called Sylvia up.
“Sylvia,” I greeted, my voice trembling. “It’s Lily Hahn. I have to talk to you.”
“What’s wrong, baby?” she asked. “Are you safe?”
“Yes,” I said. “I met the girls for dinner and something happened.”
“What?”
“They told me they asked Hollie and Matt to be their mom and dad.” I didn’t hear a response. “Did you hear me?”
“I’m sorry. Yes, I did. I-I’m just not sure what to say.”
I felt my stomach sink. “You’re not making me feel better, Sylvia.”
She sighed. “I know. Listen, I know this is difficult. Let me assure you that you have not lost your sisters. You can fight for them.”
“I will fight for them.”
“But listen to me,” she hushed, “really think about what’s all at stake here.”
“What are you trying to say?” I demanded.
I had pulled out of the restaurant parking lot, not really knowing where I was going to go. My first instinct was to go to Salinger’s, but I couldn’t go there. I drove toward Ansen’s instead, knowing Katie would probably be there too.
“I’m just encouraging you to consider every option. Try to imagine what is truly best for your sisters. Try to comprehend a life where you are their sister and that is all.”
“No,” I demanded, through gritted teeth.
“Just—” she sighed again, “just mull it over, baby. Ask yourself the hard questions. Ask if their being with you is the absolute best thing for them. If you can answer yes, then we’ll both fight tooth and nail. B-but promise me you’ll rationally think it all through first.”
I was bawling at that point.
“Fine,” I said and hung up.
I turned onto Ansen’s street stopping short in front of his h
ouse. I got out, slammed my door behind me, and ran toward his door. When I reached it, I banged on it with a fist until my hand went numb.
A tired-looking Ansen threw the door open, looking pissed. “What the hell, Lily!” he said.
I threw myself into his arms. He didn’t question it, just held me while I cried into his T-shirt.
“What happened?” he asked eventually.
“Callie and Eloise want to stay with their foster family, Ansen.”
Ansen’s arms stilled around me. “What?”
I pulled away. “They asked them to be their mom and dad.”
Ansen walked backward until he met the arm of his dad’s chair and sat. “They actually asked them this themselves?”
I tried not to hyperventilate, so I steadied my breathing. “Yes,” I answered him.
“Why would they do that?” he asked me.
This wasn’t want I thought he would ask. It surprised me, shocked me, really.
“I don’t know. They’re confused. Brainwashed, maybe?”
Ansen cocked his head to the side, thinking. He didn’t look convinced by my theories.
“Stop it, Ansen. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
He sighed. “I don’t know, Lily.”
“Bullshit. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
He shook his head. “I can’t tell you, Lil. Only you would be able to know how they’re actually doing, how they’re getting on with these people. What are their names?”
I sucked in a breath. “Hollie and Matt.”
“Are they nice people?” he asked me.
“I don’t know. I don’t know them.”
“From the little you’ve interacted with them, what are your impressions?”
I scrunched up my face, desperate to keep in control. “They’re nice.”
He nodded.
“But no one can love them as I love them,” I whispered.
He nodded again. “I don’t think anyone would doubt that, Lily.”
“I can’t lose them, Ansen.”
“I have a question for you. You’re not going to like it, but just bear with me.”
I steeled myself. “What?”
“Why can’t you lose them?”
I was dumbfounded. “What kind of question is that?”
“Is it because if you lost them, you feel as if you failed your mom?”
I started crying. “Stop.”
“Is it because if they stayed with Matt and Hollie you fear they’ll forget all about you?”
I cried harder. “Stop it, Ansen.”
“Is it because they’re your only link to your mom and you think if you aren’t their caretaker that you’ll lose that link?”
“Stop!” I demanded. “Stop!”
“Lily.”
I bawled into my hands. “Yes. Okay? Yes.”
“That’s okay.”
“No, it’s not, though, is it? That makes me just about the most selfish person in this world.”
“No,” he said with authority. “It absolutely does not. You love them. You love them with every fiber of your being. I can see that. Hell, everyone can see that. You quit drugs for them, Lily. You build your house up for them. You became a better person for them. You love them so much you think you’re the only one who can take care of them. They’re a part of the life you had before your mom died, and that life can’t be severed or you fear you’ll lose them too.”
“Yes. I’ll lose them.”
“Will you, though? Really think about that.”
“I don’t want to,” I cried into my hands and sank to the floor.
“Do Matt and Hollie seem like the type of people who would sever all ties with you? If that’s the truth, they must not love your sisters very much and then they’d be deemed unfit in all our eyes. So figure that out, kid. Figure out what the dynamic would be if they stayed with this family. Figure out what role you’d play in all of it. Make your decision from there.”
I slumped forward, my cheek on the carpet, then sat up. “This isn’t the life I thought I’d have,” I cried.
“What kind of life did you think you were going to have, Lily?”
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
THE NEXT DAY I cashed my cashier’s check, got another to pay off the roofer, another to pay the floor guy who’d come out to assess the damage, and one more to pay Salinger back for all the work he’d done for me. The rest I put in the bank, save for two thousand to pay for a few pieces of furniture, including a new living set. One that didn’t smell like smoke, was covered in stains, or had duct tape holding it together.
I called Casey up and told him I needed the week off. He told me it wouldn’t be a problem, so I stayed home and did exactly as Sylvia asked me. I pondered a life where my sisters were in a family with proper parents. I imagined what it would mean for me, for them.
I called Hollie several times. She was grateful I called her. She explained to me how much she and Matt had fallen in love with my sisters, how they wanted me to know this, how important it was to them that I knew that, despite my being of age, that I was welcome in their family as well, to come and go as I pleased, to visit, to spend holidays with, to rely on implicitly.
I thanked her and told her I’d think about it.
The floor guys came and went, replaced all the rotten wood, which was plenty, and replaced them with new subfloor and planks.
On Friday night, I sat in my quiet home contemplating what all I’d accomplished, with the unreal help from a certain boy who I’d thought of as much as my sisters and the greatest game I’d ever played.
I missed playing with him. I missed him.
The next Sunday, I had the girls and Hollie and Matt over. I’d made dinner for them and wanted them to see what I’d accomplished for them, even if they wouldn’t be living there with me.
“What do you think?” I asked the girls.
They ran around the house, screaming, and pointing at all the new furniture and plants, the painted walls, the new tile and updated kitchen, the new fence and mowed lawn. They couldn’t believe what I’d done. Even Hollie and Matt, who never really saw what the old house had looked like, told me they were impressed with what I was able to accomplish when I explained all the work I’d done.
I encouraged everyone to sit while I served the salad. I sat with them.
“I’ve been thinking,” I told them. Everyone laid their forks down. “I’m going to give the girls to you.”
Hollie broke down crying, as did Matt. She stood up and Matt held her, the girls ran to their sides and they tucked them into their embrace.
I struggled.
I hurt.
I was grateful to them.
I loved them for loving the girls.
How can I feel so happy yet so heartbroken all at once?
That’s when Hollie and Matt turned toward me. Matt held his hand out to me. I stood and gave my own to him. They brought me next to the girls, surrounding me with their arms.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
The following Saturday, Sylvia and Hollie and Matt’s attorney worked together to begin the uncontested adoption process and we all signed the necessary documents. I spent most of the day with them, touring their home, and the girls showed me their rooms.
When I left that evening, I felt peace about it all. I didn’t think I’d ever seen the girls happier, healthier, or better adjusted. No more dysfunction for them, and I was relieved because I think even my mom would have been pleased with how much they were loved.
When I made it home, I locked my doors and made sure all the windows were still shut, checking all the rooms to make sure they were as I’d left them. I stood by the back door, looking over the top of my fence at Trace’s house. All his lights were on and there were people inside, I could see.
Good, he’s not alone, I thought. Maybe he’ll leave me be again tonight.
To take my mind off him, I turned the TV on but it didn’t work. I took my phone out.
Salinger, I texted, n
ot worried for the time since I knew he’d be at work.
He didn’t reply so I continued on.
I don’t know what happened at the tournament. Just confused. I tried to talk to you but you blew me off. If I’ve done something, please know it wasn’t intentional and I’m sorry. I miss you. I have so much I want to talk to you about. So much. There’s things that need to be said but would be better in person, you know? Anyway, please consider meeting up with me later.
I dropped my phone on my new coffee table and laid back on the new sofa, staring out the window. I didn’t expect a reply, but I wanted him to know regardless.
I’d come a pretty far way from what I’d used to be. I looked down at my body.
“No bruises,” I told myself.
It’d been a long time since my body had remained unmarked for any period of time. A wave of guilt washed over me when I thought how I was glad Sterling was dead because it also meant Mama was as well.
I was coming to terms with her death, though, coming to terms with my role in it. Avoiding those who needed me didn’t rid me of the eventual blame, as I said before. Yes, I was still left holding the gun and didn’t notice until after the trigger had been pulled. But as Tao had encouraged, I was deciding how that past would shape my future. I had decided it would mean I would dedicate my life to helping those who had suffered from domestic violence. I was letting my past predict a better future, not just for myself but for others.
I had decided I needed to go to school.
I had also decided I wasn’t going to stay in Bottle County much longer.
I had no future there because the past was no longer an anchor.
I stood up and headed for the kitchen. It was growing close to one in the morning and I thought I’d get a bottle of water and head to bed. I’d just wrapped my hand around the fridge handle when I noticed something weird happening at Trace’s.
“What the hell?” I asked no one.
I ran over to the sliding glass door and noticed there was small fire in his kitchen.
“What a dumb ass.”
IDLE: Book Four of The Seven Deadly Series Page 23