I don’t let the mixed feelings of pain and pleasure distract me. I simply close my eyes and wonder if I can drift back into sleep…
***
My meals are brought to me on a cart. Stonehart wheels them in himself. He leaves them close by, within arm’s reach, and then leaves.
Even though he does not speak when he does it, and I cannot see a thing, I know that it’s him. I’ve become so accustomed to his presence that I could pick him out if I were blindfolded and in a crowd of fifty.
Part of it is the way he breathes. His breathing is slow and controlled. It reflects the purpose he seems to find in whatever he does.
His breathing also mirrors his voice. I wonder if he trained himself to speak the way he does. That baritone rumble seems to come effortlessly to him. However, for some reason, I can picture him practicing it as a youth.
***
I yearn for someone to speak to. I need a confidante. A friend. I feel so utterly alone and so completely useless.
What have I done to improve my position with Stonehart since I was first given access to his mansion? Nothing. Nothing at all. From the minute I entered his house, it’s been nothing but blunder after blunder after blunder.
First there was the wine bottle that I threw at his face. The memory evokes a brief smile. That was fun.
Then there was the surveillance room disaster. The dove. The nighttime adventure in his office. Falling asleep on the day I knew to expect him.
I’ve long since come to grips with the fact that anything bad that happens to me is my own fault. Would Stonehart have ever punished me if only I’d done what he asked?
No. If only I’d been a little smarter, a little more astute… things could be different now.
I yearn for the days when the TGBs meant something. Stonehart claims he is a man of his word, but he promised me that TGBs earned would not be taken away.
The irony hurts so much I want to cry. He did not take them away.
He just snatched away all the freedoms they granted.
What a stupid system, I think to myself. Why would he even introduce them if he never meant to use them properly?
Probably as a way to taunt me. As a way to tempt me with the promise of ultimate freedom. As a way to ensure my behavior.
I flip over on the chair and scoff. He didn’t need to tempt me with TGBs to get me to behave. All he needed to do was leave me in the dark like this two or three more times.
Because right now, I am sure that I will never, ever do anything to displease Stonehart. Ever again.
He doesn’t even know what this latest stint has done to me. My resolve to get back at him? Gone. My resolution to get revenge? Vanished. I know, in my heart of hearts, that the best I can hope for is to simply tread carefully enough in the next five years to avoid finding myself in the dark again.
Discomfort and discontent boil up inside of me. Why was I so stupid before? In the days before I was bound to this chair, I had it made. I was living in a magnificent mansion with a stunning view of the sea. I had access to every nook and cranny on the property—well, almost.
Why couldn’t that have been enough?
Because I’m a stubborn idiot, that’s why.
Was my life really so bad? I mean, sure, I had to make myself available for Stonehart whenever he wanted. But, that was a minor inconvenience—especially compared to what is happening now.
At best, it was absolutely wonderful. I remember the way he made me feel the one time we made love in his bed…
Of course, that was all a lie. It was just his way of exerting his dominance over me.
Now, he does not even treat me like a living human.
Thinking back, I have no idea what right I had to complain. I mean, maybe I had no access to the outside world. But, was it really that bad? I know there are people—monks, hermits—who purposefully remove themselves from society. Couldn’t I have just thought of my isolation the same way?
No. Because it was not your choice.
I shrug the uncomfortable thought away. No matter what, it was better than this.
I try to imagine what will happen when I’m finally let out. Stonehart said we would be “starting from the beginning.” Does that mean all my TGBs are gone? Does that mean I’m to be confined by the pillar again?
Even that would be an improvement. I won’t complain. Maybe I’ll even be allowed to see Rose again. I’m sure she’ll be happy to chat. At least, I hope she will. I need to ask her about Charles, and the guesthouse I saw her leaving…
I yawn. Fatigue is washing over me. There’s no point fighting it. I close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep.
***
I wake to overwhelming brightness. Alarms go off in my head as I jerk upright. I’ve slept through part of my fifteen minutes!
I curse and scramble up. How long do I have?
Then I notice something that astounds me: The light is coming from outside.
Holy shit.
I spin around.
The blinds are open. Cold winter sunshine floods the room.
I can’t believe it. I stare out the window, and bring a trembling hand to my collar.
Is that it? Is this… over?
I hear footsteps behind me and whirl back. My senses are on high alert.
I see Stonehart approaching. I instinctively shy back into the depths of the armchair.
He smiles as he looks me over. It’s a small smile, one that barely touches his lips. But it’s reflected in his eyes, as well.
He looks strong and virile and powerful. His hair is a little shorter than I remember. Maybe he just had it cut. Or maybe not. I could never see his face in the dark.
He stops before me and glances around the room. Hatred and disgust fill me at the sight of him. But, beneath those emotions lies a twinge of fear.
His smile broadens as he sits next to me. I press my back as far into the chair as I can. I do not want him this close, not in broad daylight, not when I can see every handsome detail of his face.
He looks at me for a long, quiet moment. To my credit, I don’t flinch. I catch a whiff of his cologne. It’s light, almost like the memory of a scent. But it amplifies his personal aroma, somehow underscoring his masculinity.
To think, I used to respond to that smell.
Now, nothing could be farther from the truth.
“Lilly.” Stonehart’s voice is gentle. He lifts a hand to touch my cheek. My strength fails, and I shy away.
His face falls. His hand drops down. He looks genuinely hurt.
“You don’t want me to touch you?” he asks.
I balk. How do I respond to that?
No shit I don’t want you to touch me, I think, but I can’t very well come out and say that, can I?
Instead, I give a resigned sigh, and lean slightly toward him, granting implicit permission.
He gives a sad smile. The tips of his fingers brush my jawline. It’s a soft, gentle touch that makes goosebumps erupt along my skin.
“You know,” he says, staring deep into my eyes, “Rose has been asking to see you. It would please me very much to grant her that request.”
I don’t answer. It’s not like I’m locking myself in here. Everything happens at Stonehart’s discretion.
The thought makes me sad.
“I told her that I would talk to you and ask what you think of that request,” he continues. He tilts my chin up and makes me look at him. “So, Lilly? What do you want me to say?”
“I think—” I swallow. “I think I would like that.”
I jerk my gaze away.
From the corner of my eye, I see Stonehart’s face brighten. “Good,” he says. “I was hoping you would respond positively.” He takes a breath. “You know, Lilly, it gives me no great pleasure keeping you in here. I look at the state you’re in—” His eyes run over me. “—and can’t help but feel that part of this is my fault.”
My hackles rise and my backbone snaps into place. Part of it is his fault?
Wisely, I don’t give voice to my thoughts.
Stonehart rocks his head from side to side, as if trying to see me from a better angle. “But then,” he chuckles humorlessly, “I remember what you did to get yourself here, and that tendril of guilt flutters away.”
I force myself to meet his eyes again. My strength is returning. I don’t know if he’s serious or not. It sounds like he’s mocking me. But, his voice is chock-full of the deepest sincerity.
I remember the strength of his poker face, and decide, he is making fun of me. I tell myself not to take it to heart.
“Lilly,” he says again, his hand dipping down to trace the collar around my neck, “You are so very beautiful. Why do you force me to do these things to you? If only you’d behave—” his fingers come to rest at the soft spot beneath my chin and he tilts my head up, “—we could have the pleasure of truly enjoying each other’s company.”
Enjoying each other’s company? Is the man completely insane?
My backbone is set in place and anger starts to fume inside of me.
He tilts his head to the side and smiles. “Oh, I know that look,” he says. He raises both his hands in mock-surrender. “I’ve said something to upset you. Please, don’t throw another wine bottle at me.”
Then he laughs, a great, rich laugh, as if he’s just made the most magnificent joke in the world.
“But really,” he says through one last chuckle. “Please don’t force me to put you in this situation again, Lilly. I worry about you when you’re in here. You don’t know how much trouble I have sleeping when I know you’re cold, alone, and lonely.”
“Is that why you come in and rape me every night?” I spit in his face. Then I gasp, and throw both hands over my stupid mouth. My eyes widen in fear.
Idiot! A voice cries out in my head. Fucking idiot! You’re a glutton for punishment, aren’t you?
I wait for the oncoming explosion… and am caught by surprise when the only reaction that Stonehart gives is a widening of his smile. “I knew you had some spirit left,” he says, sounding pleased—pleased!—by the revelation.
He stands. “The collar is deactivated once more, Lilly-flower. Your freedoms have been reinstated. You are welcome to come and go as you please. And I, for my part, will do my best not to provoke reactions in you that will warrant future punishment.” He pauses. “I like seeing you happy and free.”
Then he turns back. “It’s a quarter to two,” he says. “Today is a rare day off work for me, but I won’t be calling upon you until six. Rose, you, and I are going to enjoy a wonderful dinner prepared by Charles. Rose is dying to see you. The only request I make is that you dress appropriately for the occasion.”
He stoops low and picks up my chamber pot. His nose wrinkles in disgust. “I’ll get rid of this awful thing for you.”
***
I wait until Stonehart is really gone before cautiously placing a foot on the cold, tile floor.
The AC is off. Thank God. Sunshine from outside is starting to warm up the room.
I push myself from the chair and stand. A brief wave of dizziness comes over me. Not enough carbs, I think.
I take a deep breath and wait for it to pass. This is it. I’ve survived the worst that Stonehart could throw at me.
Twice.
The thought grants me precious little satisfaction. I know the reason is that Stonehart was right.
He was right when he said I find myself in such situations only because of my own stupidity. How different would things have been if I hadn’t fallen asleep when Stonehart came back from his trip? Where would I be, right now? What type of progress could I have made with him?
I wander to the huge window and look outside. It’s a dull, grey day. A thick sheet of clouds blocks the sun. The ocean is deceptively peaceful.
It feels like I’m trapped in the eye of a storm.
Just as I’m turning back, I catch my reflection in the glass. I turn and face it.
“You’re a survivor,” I whisper. “You’ve gotten through everything Stonehart has thrown at you, barely the worse for wear.”
That might not be entirely true. But, I need to make myself believe it. Otherwise, I’m afraid I’d risk a real mental breakdown.
When I start the shower, a few minutes later, my hand reaches automatically to turn the heat up as high as it can go.
I stop myself halfway through the motion.
I am not a prisoner in the chair any longer, I tell myself. I settle on making the water a pleasant, unhurried warmth.
I step out a long time later and leisurely towel myself dry. I walk to the powder room and open the towel to examine my body.
Hmm. I’m a bit skinnier than I remember. But I haven’t lost my curves. That’s a wonder. I haven’t been eating a lot during my most recent stay in the dark.
I check my hair. It’s gotten longer than I usually like to keep it.
With a start, I remember the cameras watching me from the other side of the mirror. I start to close the towel. But, then I stop, take a deep breath, and force myself to relax.
Like a starlet, I smile wide for the invisible audience, and turn away.
Freedom has rejuvenated me. Sure, I may not be free in the true sense of the word. I think I’ve given up on that possibility, anyway—at least in the short-term. For now, I’m happy enough not to be restricted to that damned chair.
I walk back to the sunroom, wrapped in a fluffy navy robe. It might be exactly the same as the one I wore most days during my confinement, but it feels different. Instead of the fabric being heavy and constricting, it’s soft and consoling.
It’s a wonder what a change of perspective can do to your psyche.
I walk toward the bed. With a hysterical giggle, I launch myself onto the sheets. I roll around for a bit, then stretch wide and yawn deeply.
I’ve missed this bed. I never thought I would say that, not after those three days spent trapped on it—but three days are nothing compared to the length of time I was stuck in that chair.
I roll onto my front and prop my chin up. I stare at that chair.
I hate you, I think. I hate you, you fucking goddamned chair.
It’s not just the reminder it gives that makes me loathe it. It’s everything else it represents, too. That is the chair on which I fell asleep waiting for Stonehart . That is the chair I left the dove on before Stonehart found her. That is the chair that earned me that painful slap when Stonehart thought I’d asked Rose for it.
That chair has been nothing but bad news. I want it gone.
I stand up and push it toward the glass door. I turn the handle and prop the door open with my hip. I pause for a second, just to make sure there’s no warning zap beneath my ear. When none comes, I haul the chair outside.
I stand back and admire my work. It’s out of the sunroom.
But if I just leave it here, it’ll never be out of my mind. I need to get it out my sight.
Tugging the sash of my robe to make sure it doesn’t come undone, I set about pulling the heavy chair out of the way.
The feet make horrible scraping sounds against the cement, enough to wake the dead. I grit my teeth and endure it.
As I’m struggling with the chair, heaving and grunting while pulling it with no regard to where I’m going, I collide with somebody I did not even know was there.
I spin back, startled—and my heart sinks when I find Stonehart looking at me, his lips pursed in amusement.
“Jeremy,” I say, flustered. I am suddenly aware of how ridiculous I must look. And of how easily finding me like this might set him off. “I didn’t expect you.”
“No,” he says, his voice light and his eyes glittering with mirth, “clearly, you did not.” He looks over my shoulder, at the chair. “What are you doing?”
I strain my ears to find a trace of malice in his voice, but there is none. I think I’ve become so accustomed to him being displeased with every
little thing I do that it’s a shock when he’s not.
“Um,” I blow out my cheeks and brush a stray strand of hair out of my eyes. I glance down at the stain on the seat and blanch despite myself. “I wanted to, er, clean it. Outside,” I lie.
Stonehart laughs. “By yourself?” he asks. “You know, we have hired help for that.”
“I didn’t want to trouble Rose,” I mumble.
“Not her.” He clicks his tongue. “The woman would kill me if I suggested anything of the sort.”
“She would… what?” I say, thrown off guard by the comment.
“It means, she wouldn’t do it,” he confides. “She would tell me off for even suggesting it. Have you seen her angry?” He mock-shudders. “I couldn’t imagine a more formidable foe.”
I stare at him. Here he is, talking to me as if the last few weeks hadn’t happened. Talking to me like I am… a regular human being.
I will never be able to understand what makes the man tick.
“I noticed your struggle from upstairs.” He motions to his bedroom windows overlooking the backyard. “I thought I would come down and offer my help.”
“You? Help me?” I ask, somewhat aghast.
He laughs again. “It’s an attempt at chivalry, Lilly.”
I narrow my eyes in suspicion.
“So, what do you say?” he continues. “Would you like my help, or not? Although, looking at the state of the chair, I don’t know how much success you’d meet cleaning it. May I suggest new upholstery, or perhaps a replacement chair?”
His eyes meet mine. Some of that intellect I was so impressed by when I first met him comes through. “I don’t think you’ll be eager to spend any more time on that one,” he says softly.
I nod, a little dazed. “You’re right. Thank you for the offer, Jeremy.”
“Of course.” He takes the chair by the back and lifts it as if it were weightless. Then, he glances at me, and I see an unexpected playfulness hidden in his eyes. “Your robe’s come undone,” he says. His eyes flicker down for a moment. “Your breasts are showing.”
Chapter Four
Uncovering You: The Complete Series (Mega Box Set) Page 31