I give him a wide berth and steer straight for the door.
“Hey!” he calls out.
I ignore him. I reach the exit and have my hand on the handle when he grabs me.
James spins me around. “Where do you think you’re going?” he demands.
“Out,” I say. I rip my arm from his grip. “You can’t make me stay.”
“You’re running again?” He peers into my eyes. “You are, aren’t you?”
For a moment, I feel like he can see down into my very soul. Ridiculous, of course. But with his eyes piercing mine with such unabashed intensity, I’m frightened that he’ll discover my deepest secrets.
I turn away, and without answering his question, leave the apartment.
38.
Once I’m outside the building I realize I have no place to go.
Have I mentioned how much I hate being outside, alone, at night?
I remember seeing a hotel nearby from the inside of James’s car. I start briskly for it.
James’s admission frightened me. He wants something I cannot give. Maybe in another life, under different circumstances…
But not this life. I shake my head angrily. I can’t think about what things would be like if they were different. If they were different, I’d still have my mom. I’d know my dad. I wouldn’t have a shitty heart, or cancer, or—
I stop those thoughts cold. I hate what ifs. There is no such thing: They don’t exist. You deal with the cards handed to you. If you spend your days longing for the what if, your whole life will pass by in a blur of pity and regret.
And for someone like me? Someone who probably doesn’t have all that long to live? I can’t afford to live even a single day in regret.
Eventually I stumble upon the hotel. It doesn’t look very expensive, thank God. Perfect for me. I don’t have much disposable income to my name.
I check in and get my keycard. It’s a non-smoking room but smells of ash.
I’m too tired to demand a room change. I just collapse in bed, fully clothed, and succumb to an uneasy sleep.
***
Early the next morning, I’m awakened by angry banging on the door.
I shoot up. My heart starts thundering against my ribcage. Fear grips me.
I’m paralyzed by indecision until I hear his voice.
“Celeste! Celeste, open the fucking door. I know you’re there, dammit!”
It’s James.
I gather my wits. “Go away!” I yell.
“Fuck no,” he growls. “Open the door and talk to me! I want to know what the hell is going on with you. Why did you run again?”
“Leave me alone!” I scream.
“No.”
I look around the room for an escape. There is none. The tenth story window doesn’t exactly lend itself to sneaking out.
“How did you find me?” I demand. “Did you follow me here last night, James?”
“Dammit, Celeste. I am not screaming at you through this door.” Another startling bang. “Open it, and we can talk like adults.”
“No,” I say.
“Celeste…!”
“No, James! I have nothing to say to you.”
I’m afraid if I see you I’ll crumble and actually fall in love.
“Like hell you don’t. I want an explanation, Celeste. For everything. OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!”
“You keep yelling and security’s going to get called up!”
I hear his harsh laugh. “Like I fucking care. Open the damn door. Open it and TALK, Celeste! I’m not leaving until you do. You’ll have to face me eventually.”
“Fine, fine!” I spit. I stand up. My legs are shaking. The lingering smell of smoke makes me gag.
“CELESTE!”
“Coming!” I tell him. “Wait. I need to get dressed.”
Another lie.
I go to the window first and slide it open. I lean out a little, catching the fresh morning air. Below me, far below, I see people streaming to work.
“Celeste!”
“YES!” I say. I turn toward the door and steady myself. I put on my best unimpressed-bitch face and slide the chain off.
The minute I turn the handle, James barges in. He bursts through the door so fast it slams against the wall.
Whoa, is all I can think when I see him.
He looks… so intense. His eyes are stormy and dark. His hair is messy, his shirt unbuttoned half down his chest, and the sleeves are rolled up to reveal glorious forearms.
He reminds me of a hulking animal.
“Celeste,” he growls. He advances on me. I’m too slow to slip away. I’m lost in his presence and angered magnificence.
He grabs me by the waist and pulls me to him. Then he steps us forward so my back hits the wall.
“Lover,” he rasps, and his mouth crashes over mine.
He kisses me furiously. All the pent-up passion and aggression I heard in his voice is unleashed now. He devours my mouth as if I’m the last woman he’ll ever kiss.
I don’t even try to resist. I open to him and swallow his greedy need. He pushes his hips into me. I moan. He grabs my hands and pins them above my head. I arch into his body. His hard cock presses into me.
I purr and kiss him deeper. I lift one of my legs so it’s wrapped around his waist.
Suddenly he lets go. His head moves back, and his eyes sear into mine.
“Never… run… again,” he grates. His hand strokes the side of my face, then wraps around my neck. He urges my chin up. “Do you hear me?” He stares into my eyes. His are narrowed and unwavering. “Never. Again. You are mine.”
I’m dizzy with passion and consumed by need. The kiss was spectacular. His body on mine feels spectacular. The ownership in his voice, the possession I see in his eyes, it’s all brand new. I’ve never experienced anything like this with anyone before.
It’s addicting.
“K,” I say, in a shuddery breath.
He steps back and drops me. I stumble before catching myself.
He looks around the room. “This is where you spent the night?” Disdain fills his voice. “No, Celeste. No, this is not acceptable. You are not doing this again.” He looks over his shoulder at me. “If you do, I’ll get angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
Hulk, SMASH! I think and giggle.
His eyes narrow. “Is that humorous?”
“No,” I say quickly. I shake my head. “No, it’s just… the kiss. I feel giddy.”
He nods. “Good. I like you happy.”
Both of us eye the bed at the same time. “You know what would make me really happy?”
“I think I do.” He grabs me, pulls me to him, and drops us on the bed.
I stare up at him. He’s so gorgeous.
“Oh, James. I want you to fuck me,” I gasp. I roll my hips against his. “Fuck me. Please. I need you to—“ I gasp as he rips down my top and exposes my breasts. “—to fuck me now.”
“Mhmm,” he agrees in a deep, masculine growl. He kisses me once more. Then, his hands run down my body. His cock presses between my legs. He kneads my breasts, and his fingers tighten around each nipple. He twists and pinches hard.
I suck in a pained breath. I squirm beneath him. I’m consumed by his raw, dominating aura. I need him to take control. I need to succumb to the pleasure only he can bring.
Then his mouth moves down my body. He litters my skin with sharp, hot, quick kisses. He takes each breast in his mouth. His tongue flicks the nipple.
“Get these off,” he says, working the clasp of my jeans. “I need to taste your pussy. I want to feel you wet. Are you wet for me?”
“God, yes!” I moan. He slides the jeans down my legs. My pink panties he leaves untouched.
His fingers dip under them. I buzz with pleasure as he slides them along my folds. He pulls them out and holds them in front of my face. They’re glistening.
“Suck,” he tells me softly. He presses them to my lips. I open my mouth and take him in, licking my own ju
ices off his steady fingers.
He shudders in ecstasy as my teeth scrape him on the way out.
“How do you taste?” he asks.
I give him a sultry look. “You tell me.”
His eyes light with passion and immediately he drops down, yanks my panties off, and sticks his tongue between my legs.
“Oh yes,” I moan, gripping his hair tight. He’s the only man who’s even been able to consistently get me off with his mouth. “Yes, James, mmm. Don’t stop.”
His tongue darts in and out. He circles my clit then slips inside me. I shudder as his fingers join in. He spreads me wide and licks me up, down, left, right, in, out, every which way, really, until I’m a puddle of melted flesh and skin beneath him.
The orgasm comes. I’m swept away on a wave of passion and greed and bliss. I soar to the heavens so hard and so fast I’m afraid I’ll never find my way down.
There is no comparison. Nobody’s ever done this to me before.
James revives me by pressing his lips to mine. I taste my own juices mingling with his salty sweat. I feel his body on top of mine, every square inch of skin touching. I feel the heat flow through him to me. I feel his cock pressed tight against my flesh.
“That was but a taste,” he whispers in my ear. “You want more, Celeste? You want me to keep fucking you?”
“Yes,” I whisper. I reach down and take his erection in my hand. I start stroking him, up and down.
He groans. The sound is so raw and so close to me that goosebumps erupt all over my skin. “I want your cock inside me,” I breathe. “I want you to fuck me long and hard, James. I want you to make me remember I am yours.” I push him up so I can look into his eyes. “After all, that’s what you said, isn’t it? That I belong to you?”
“Fucking right,” James grunts. He penetrates me with one swift, sure thrust forward.
“Ohhhh,” I moan. His body trembles, and all his muscles tighten as he holds himself deep inside of me.
Then his hips start pumping, and I lose all sense of self. All I know is James: His smell, his taste, his touch. His delicious mouth, his hard fucking intensity.
His cock pulses in and out of me, hitting my furthest wall and filling me absolutely to the brim. If I thought the first high was transcendent… well, it’s got nothing on what I’m feeling now.
Sweat lines his body and mixes with mine. We kiss each other, we grab each other, we feast on each other.
I can’t get enough. My moans become longer, louder. His grunts deepen become more animalistic. I start panting in desperation, consumed by the ecstasy.
He kisses. I kiss. He bites. I bite. He squeezes, I squeeze, he scratches, I scratch. He roars, I moan, and we both come in a single spectacular moment as one.
He collapses to the side of me. His dick slides out, smearing his cum and my juices over my leg.
My eyelids droop to a close. His arm comes around my chest, and he holds me tight.
“That was…” he begins.
“…astounding,” I finish for him. I turn my head to the side and look at him through eyes I can barely keep open.
“Yeah,” he says. He touches my lips. “You’re a miracle.”
I blush a deep red. I’ve been called many things before, but miracle… that’s a new one.
“Celeste,” James breathes. “You’re doing crazy things to me. You know that? I’m next to you, and I feel myself falling apart. You have me losing my mind.”
I look at him. “You’re just saying that.”
“No.” He shifts, serious now. “No, Celeste. I am not. What would be the point? I wouldn’t lie to you. This feeling I have when we’re together… and the frenzy I feel when we’re apart… it’s unrivaled. When you left last night, I went bat-shit crazy. You would not want to see the current state of the apartment. I don’t know why you keep running away from me. I don’t know why you want to fight…” he holds our hands together, “this.”
I don’t, I think. And then, in small voice, say, “Sometimes we have no choice.”
“Wrong,” James says. He threads his fingers through mine and holds so tight. “This isn’t fiction. What we have is real. You’re consuming my every thought, Celeste, and I still don’t know a damn thing about you. You’re not forthcoming with information, but fuck it.” He shakes his head. “Neither am I. It doesn’t matter. What we have, just physically, is so much deeper than anything I’ve felt with anyone before. It’s so much deeper. And if you tell me you don’t feel that,” he glances my way, “I’ll know you’re lying. Because I’ve seen how your body responds to mine. We’re in perfect harmony. You can’t—you will not—deny me that.”
“No,” I say softly. I am absolute putty in his hands. He’s washed away my fears and insecurities about getting close. “I won’t. But there are some things I can’t tell you, James. Some things you’re asking for… I’m unable to give.”
“I’m asking for you. That’s all.” His eyes search mine. Again, I feel like he’s looking into my soul.
“I can’t give myself to you,” I say softly.
His expression hardens. His eyes narrow, and the look he gives me feels… cold.
“Not in full,” I correct quickly. “James, there are things about me, certain things, that you wouldn’t like.”
“Why do you think that?” he asks. “Why don’t you let me be the judge?”
“Because they’re… I’m not perfect, James. Whatever impression you’ve built up of me, I can’t live up to that. On the surface things might look good, but past that…?”
I trail off.
“Past that what?” James insists. “What’s past that? What aren’t you telling me?”
I bite my lip. Something about James makes me lower my guard. He’s already made me forego all of my own rules. And just now, just after I said the words “past that?” I felt the admission of my secret coming to the tip of my tongue. The two sentences that will scare him off forever, the ones that will ruin what we currently have:
I have cancer. I’m going to die.
I imagine his response. He’d say, We’re all going to die, nobody’s immortal. And my counterpoint, Yes, but not everybody knows they’re going to die with the immediacy that I do.
“What’s wrong, Celeste? What happened at the hospital with you?”
I want to confess. But I can’t.
“Nothing,” I tell him, my voice hushed.
James sighs and swings his legs over the side of the bed. He reaches for his pants and puts one leg through. Then the other. Then he stands and pulls them to his hips.
He looks away as he dresses. I watch him helplessly. Is this his retreat? Did my reluctance finally push him away?
He buttons up the top of his shirt. He still hasn’t said anything or looked at me. Finally, when he starts for the door, my placidity breaks. I call out after him.
“James,” I say. “Wait.”
“Why?” he does not turn back. “Why should I wait, Celeste? You want to be on your own? Fine. You want to keep things impersonal? Fine, yes, I can deal with that. But when you consistently lie to me about yourself?” He glances over his shoulder. “That’s where I draw the line.”
And just like that, he walks out the room.
I’m left reeling.
39.
A part of me wants to simply fade away and forget all my problems. It shouldn’t be this hard to keep James at bay.
But I have a weakness for him.
I hate feeling so useless. I hate having control ripped out of my hands. I hate my fucking body’s propensity for cancer.
That’s the one thing all us victims share: we’ve lost control. Our body’s reaction is not our own. We are powerless to change things. Drugs, therapies, whatever? All that might slow the progression of the disease.
But in the end, nobody knows. Not the doctors, not the medical staff. No fancy computer algorithms can tell me exactly how much time I have left.
I came to terms with that long ago. But back the
n, I didn’t have James around.
I had Brad. Different men, different attitudes, but both have one thing in common:
They came into my life at the same time as the cancer.
My experience going through that with Brad? The number one reason for my hard and fast rules.
I check out of the hotel, cringing at the bill when I see it. I can feel my wallet lightening. My savings aren’t going to last forever.
On a whim, I decide to call Summer. I’m not expecting much.
To my surprise, she picks up on the first ring.
“Is this your idea of getting back at me?” she demands. No preamble.
“What?” I ask, completely off guard.
“Oh, don’t play games,” she sneers. “You know exactly what I’m talking about, and you know exactly what you’re doing. Just think! Last night I was almost ready to forgive you.”
“Summer!” I exclaim. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Oh, so now you’re just going to pretend you didn’t send your little boyfriend over here this morning?” She sounds pissed. “You know, the knock came so early I thought it might be you. I opened the door without even checking the peephole.”
“Hold on, hold on,” I say. “James came by? Why?”
“’James.’” She scoffs. “Yes, Celeste, Professor Landon arrived on my door step. As for ‘why,’ well, I had exactly the same question.”
“Summer, I swear to God, I had no idea he would come there…”
“Oh, so he just arrived and demanded I give him your things of his own volition?” She laughs. “That’s rich, Celeste. Really, really rich. You know, I even started regretting changing the locks, just a little bit, last night. But how could you, Celeste? Really, how could you? I thought we were friends. Well, it’s obvious you changed in college. Screw you, Celeste. I’d say it was nice reconnecting with you here, but… it fucking wasn’t.”
She hangs up.
I pull the phone down from my ear and stare at it. There’s a vile mix of wonder, frustration, and anger stewing within me.
First: James took my stuff? What the hell? He must have gone there before coming here.
Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! This really throws a wrench into things.
Uncovering You: The Complete Series (Mega Box Set) Page 138