“Yeah, hey,” I say. “I played hooky. I’ve been gathering up my things here.”
“Oh my God, so you’re definitely coming?” she asks, excited.
“Well, yeah. I said I would last night.”
“I thought you might change your mind,” she admits. Her usual confidence wavers. She adds in a small voice, “I’ve really missed you, Celeste.”
“Thanks,” I say. I avoid saying the same thing back.
But I have kind of missed her. Well, maybe not her exactly, but the idea of her. The ideal representation of the grown up version of my high school best friend.
Sadly, I don’t think such a Summer exists.
“So you’re coming back today? Tonight? Should I pick you up? I’ve got that new car, remember?”
“I don’t know about today,” I admit. “I still haven’t talked to James about it.”
“What?” she sounds scandalized. “Really? You’re just going to drop it on him like that? Out of the blue?”
“Probably, yeah,” I say.
“You know, I think he might suspect something’s up. I saw him today. He seemed… a little out of it.”
“In class, you mean? Or after?”
“After,” she says. “At the TA meeting. Maybe I just caught him at a bad moment. He was just very… distracted.” She giggles. “And he smelled like sex.”
I smile even as my cheeks burn.
I’m not sure he had time to shower this morning.
“Anyway,” I say, “I just wanted to give you the head’s up. I’ll definitely be there before Monday, though. I swear.”
“Sure,” she says. “Just let me know.”
9.
I spend the rest of the day a nervous wreck waiting for James.
I have my things boxed up by the door. He’s not going to be happy when he comes home and finds me ready to go.
This time, however, I’m not going to let him walk in on me sleeping.
I don’t want him to think I’m sneaking away again.
I pass the time on my laptop. I try to do the required readings for my classes. Somehow, through everything, I’ve managed to maintain decent grades. Decent, but unspectacular.
An indeterminable amount of time later I hear the front door open. I look up, expecting James…
Instead, I find both James and Angela. Together.
They’re arguing.
“No, your lawyer has no fucking case,” James is saying. “I have the original contract right here, and…” He trails off when he sees the boxes. “Oh, for crying out loud, Celeste. Again?”
Angela gives a victorious smirk behind him.
I stand up. “No, James, this time…”
“Whatever,” he cuts me off. He turns to his ex-wife. “You stay here. Right fucking here, Angela. I’ll get you the damn contract, and then you’re gone.” He spins and stabs a finger at me. “And you, Celeste, need a serious attitude adjustment.”
I huff.
Angela tilts her head to the side and smiles sweetly at me. “Trouble in paradise?” she purrs.
“Shut it,” James snaps. “I’ll be back.”
He takes the stairs two at a time to his upstairs study.
I glare at her. There’s something about the woman that simply irks me. Even if we didn’t have James between us, I wouldn’t like her. I don’t know what it is, but—
Then it hits me! She is exactly who I picture Summer as in a decade.
James returns quickly and shoves a leather folder in her hands.
“There,” he says. “That’s the copy, Angela, not the original.” He snorts. “I wouldn’t be dumb enough to give you that.”
She opens it and leafs through the pages. “These will be just fine, sweetheart,” she coos. “Thank you ever so much for cooperating. My lawyer’s going to be so pleased.”
She goes on her toes and places a kiss on James’s cheek. Before he can react, she glides out the door.
It closes, leaving me alone with a fuming James.
“So… what was that about?” I ask softly.
He grunts. “Her lawyers want to subpoena me for the first book contract I signed. From back when she and I were together. She came and told me to watch out for it. I said they didn’t need a subpoena, I’d give her the contract now.” He exhales. “She thinks she can find some hole in it to extract more money out of me. It won’t amount to anything. She’s just trying to be a nuisance. What I want to know, Celeste—” he turns on me, “—is why your things are packed up again.”
“I wasn’t going to leave without telling you,” I defend.
“Oh, that’s good,” he snaps. “What a delight to know we might actually mean something to you!”
His words sting. What we’ve shared means more to me than he can ever know. Much, much more than I can ever tell him.
“It’s not like that, James,” I start softly.
“Oh? Then what? Please, enlighten me, Celeste.”
“Summer and I talked last night,” I say. “We made up our differences.”
“Delightful.”
“It is, James!” I counter. “You know I wasn’t going to stay here forever.”
“Oh? And why not?”
“Why not?” I laugh. “Because I’m an intruder, James. You let me stay when I had no place else to go. But I can’t live here! We’re not even dating!”
“Oh?” His eyebrows go up. He stalks toward me. “Then what would you call last night at the gala? Was that not a date? Tell me, Celeste. I’m infinitely curious.”
“It was…” I search for the right word. “A public excursion.”
He laughs. “A public excursion? That’s what it felt like to you?”
“Yes,” I say, crossing my arms. “You needed someone to take to the dinner. I was the most easily accessible choice.”
James sputters. “You think that’s why I took you? Because of… convenience?” He sounds shocked beyond shocked.
“Well… yes,” I say shyly. “Why else? You haven’t been with any other women because of me.”
He blinks. “Are you hearing yourself right now, Celeste? Do you really have such a low opinion of who you are?”
He strides around the floor and stops before me. His green eyes flash. They’re intense, and he’s…
Frightening.
Suddenly he grabs me. I try to pull away but he holds me tight.
He presses me to his hard body. I’m caught, physically, by the embrace.
But I’m also caught, emotionally, by how much the gesture means to me. He cares, I have no doubt.
That makes leaving him completely the right choice.
I’m trembling. I tell myself that I will not cry. That I will do what is necessary to protect this wonderful man from a pain he can’t imagine.
To protect him from me.
“James.” I say his name softly. “Let me go.”
“Never,” he whispers.
“James, let me go.” I make my words harsh. I fill them with scorn. “Let me go now.”
He squeezes me. “No, Celeste.”
“James, dammit, let…me…go!”
I burst out of his grip. I stumble back to the table.
He doesn’t move. I stare at him.
He watches me. Closely, and with the discerning eye of an intellectual.
For a second, I see something different in his eyes… but then he smooths his features, and the glimpse I had is lost.
“You never were truthful with me, were you?” he asks softly. “You never meant to stay.”
“No, James, I never lied about that,” I fire back, my words filled with vitriol. “I told you what this was. I told you what we were. I told you what to expect. I said that when the time came, I would go. You promised not to chase me.”
“I did,” he murmurs. “But I never promised to let you leave, Celeste.”
“That doesn’t count! You’re twisting my words!”
“Am I?” He steps closer to me. “Am I really, Celeste?”
/>
I fight the urge to back away… and the opposing one to run straight into his arms.
I feel like I’m caught between two glaciers. Whichever one I pick will only give me stability for a short time… before melting and casting me out to sea.
“Yes!” I scream. “Yes, James, you are!”
I hate the emotions roaring to life inside me. This was supposed to be easy. When I signed up for this, it was no emotions, no strings! A few weeks of fucking, and that’s it!
“Look.” I brush my hair back. “I appreciate all you’ve done for me. Really. You let me stay when you could have thrown me out. You made me your lover when you could have moved on to the next girl. You held me and adored me and cherished me. We had a great time. Really, we did. Fantastic. But all good things have to end, you know?”
“Why?” he asks. “Why are you so eager to end this?”
I take a deep breath, do one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life:
I step toward him, toward James, toward the safety and intimacy that he represents. I step toward him, touch his cheek… and squash all the feelings bursting inside of me for good.
“Because it was just a fling,” I tell him sadly. “And somewhere along the way, we got a little carried away. I’m sorry if I led you to believe it was something more. But it can’t be that, James. It just can’t.”
I let my arm drop and turn around. He catches my wrist.
“Celeste,” he growls. “Wait.”
And he spins me back and kisses me with all the intensity and hunger and need I’ve come to crave from him.
He lets go. He looks me in the eyes. “You felt that,” he insists. “You know there’s something more between us! Why are you trying to deny it?”
“I’m not the one in denial, James,” I tell him. “It’s you. You’re denying that there isn’t.”
I twist my hand out of his and walk toward my things. “I packed to show that my mind was set. But I stayed until you were back to give you the courtesy of saying good-bye.”
“Wow.” He exhales. He runs a hand through his hair. “So that’s what you really think, huh? That all this--everything we’ve done together—all of it was meaningless?”
“James, all we did was fuck!” I snap. “Don’t you dare get sentimental on me. This was all about the physical. Nothing more!”
“That’s not true.” He steps toward me. I give him a menacing glare. He doesn’t let up.
“You’re frightened,” he says. “You’re frightened, and you’re trying to run. You’re frightened, and you’re wrong, Celeste. You’re wrong, and that’s what scares you most. You know there’s more to us, woman! You’re just too scared to admit it.”
“Yeah, or maybe you’re too cocky and think every damn girl on the planet who spends five minutes in your presence will fall in love with you!” I scream.
James takes a step back. “Is that what this is about?” he asks.
“What?”
“The other girls. You’re intimidated by them. You think as soon as someone new catches my interest, I’ll toss you out.”
“No!” I exclaim. “No, James, it’s not like that at all. We’re not exclusive. You can go fuck other women. I’ll deal.”
“We’ve been pretty exclusive since you moved in,” he says. “Why won’t you tell me what’s going on, Celeste? Stop making me have to poke around in the dark to try to know you. If you just let me listen—”
“No,” I cut him off. “No, James. I’m leaving and there’s nothing you can do to change my mind.”
I cross my arms.
His eyes narrow. He looks at me. I can see the gears turning in his head.
Finally: “So that’s how it’s going to be?”
“Yes,” I say. “Yes that is exactly how it’s going to be.”
“You’ll just leave, like a puff of smoke, and expect me to pretend we never happened.”
Sadness wells up in me at that imagery. Like a puff of smoke, I’ll disappear…
The coin is still spinning in the air.
“Yes,” I say softly.
He exhales then holds up his hands. He waits for a long, long moment.
I stare at my feet.
“Fine,” he says, in a hushed breath. “Fine, you want to go? I’ll stick to my word. I won’t chase you. But like hell I’m going to watch you move out.”
And with that, he grabs his car keys and storms past me out the door.
10.
As soon as I see James’s distinctive Porsche jet out and swerve recklessly through two lanes of traffic, I know it’s really over. He’s really gone.
I sigh and call Summer to pick me up.
This is what I wanted, isn’t it?
***
Later that night, I’m sitting on my own bed, in my own room, with boxes of my stuff lying around me unpacked.
It feels strange to be back here. I’m bouncing between two people, neither of whom is, or can ever be, the right fit for me.
“Hey,” Summer says softly, leaning through the doorway. “Knock, knock. Can I come in?”
I gesture at the empty office chair in front of my little desk. “Be my guest.”
Summer sits down. “So, I’ve been thinking,” she begins.
“Wait,” I cut her off. “Do you really think this a good idea? Us living together, I mean?”
“What? Of course,” she exclaims. “So I got a little jealous once. It’s over with, done. No big deal!”
“That’s just it,” I say. “It wasn’t a big deal. You turned it into one. How can I know you won’t do it again?”
“Umm, because I said so?” She sounds annoyed. “We’re best friends, Celeste. We shouldn’t let men get between us.”
“That’s what I thought, too,” I say. “But you reacted totally differently.”
“I was just… really, really, envious, I guess.” She looks a tiny bit morose. “I’ve had a crush on James Landon forever. I told you that the first time we saw him.”
“It wasn’t my first time,” I admit.
She makes a funny face. “Him buying you a drink at the bar doesn’t count.”
“No,” I say. “That’s not when we met.”
“Oh?” She leans in. “Then why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was trying to!” I emphasize. “You just blocked me out. You wouldn’t even pick up the phone!”
“Can we just… not talk about it?” she asks. “I feel real shitty over what I did. There’s no need to add to it. I said I’m sorry. What more do you want?”
“I just want one chance to explain myself. K? You saw the worst in me, but that’s not how it was, Summer. I would never have done anything with James if I knew you had a thing for him. But… well, you remember that night on the yacht?”
“Before the semester started? Sure.”
“That was his yacht. That’s when he and I met.”
She blinks and looks taken aback. “James Landon was your mysterious man with the amazing tongue?”
I blush a bit. I didn’t think she’d remembered that one off-hand comment.
“Yes,” I say. “But we didn’t even exchange names. He asked me if I knew who he was. I said no. For some reason, that piqued his interest in me. We –that night –well, you know. But I left before he woke! We didn’t stay in touch or anything. Next time I saw him was in lecture. I should have told you. I was just surprised, I guess.”
“But then you kept going with him, after you knew I was interested.” I hear a touch of anger in her voice.
I’m about to apologize when she chirps a laugh and waves it away. “Whatever. I don’t care anymore, Celeste. You do what you want. That’s fine.”
I nod. I’m not completely satisfied with her dismissal of the issue.
This is going to be a lingering headache for the duration of our time together.
But that’s okay. I’m not here for friendship anymore. I’m here so I can get away from James. So I can push him out of my mind, extinguish my feeli
ngs for him, and just get on with my life.
A life that could very well be ended by this tumor in my brain.
“So, how did you and the dean meet?” I ask, steering the conversation away from myself.
“Oh that. That’s quite a story…” Summer’s eyes light up, and she begins retelling the tale.
PART FOUR
Escape
1.
I don’t hear from James over the weekend. If that disappoints me, well, it’s my own fault for getting my hopes up.
I know exactly the terms we left on.
I go to my weekly chemo session. The doctor seems pleased with my progress. I complain about the side effects of the drugs, but I’m just venting. I know there’s precious little he can do.
He suggests the support group again. For the first time, I actually consider it.
Then I catch myself and stop. Making new friends…companions… is not what I need right now.
I would only use them as replacements for James.
And when I think that, I know I fell in way too deep with him and got out at the right time.
At least now, I am my own woman.
***
Monday morning in the shower, I notice a particularly large clump of hair in the tub.
“Oh God,” I say. I touch my scalp. It feels the same as usual…
But evidence to the contrary is staring at me from the drain.
I close my eyes and fight down a mini panic attack. Hair loss is a regular, normal side effect of chemo. Par for the course, right?
I’ll have to hide if from Summer, obviously, but that’s much easier than hiding it from James.
***
Things remain uneventful until the first lecture with Professor Landon after our split.
Summer sits beside me for the first time in weeks. James shuffles in late. He looks haggard, unruly, worse than I’ve ever seen him.
A bit of guilt spirals up inside.
Is that because of me?
He stumbles through the lecture with none of his usual charisma or charm. Summer nudges me in the side midway through.
“Your boyfriend seems drunk.”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I tell her curtly. I watch him and realize that, yeah, she’s right. “He never was. I haven’t seen or talked to him since I left.”
Uncovering You: The Complete Series (Mega Box Set) Page 143