"Look," she began.
They stared at each other. She wanted to look away from the intense curiosity of his eyes, from the questions and fears she could tell lurked in his mind. He drew her in with an odd dynamic of intense passion and sincere worry. She broke her gaze away from his and stared down at the blue light.
He cleared his throat. "The good news is there is pretty much no way we could get caught tonight. The helicopters couldn't make us out through all this fog and the street cleaners don't drive when visibility is this low. The bad news is we'll probably get rained on."
Eri shrugged. "Rain is okay." She cleared her throat. "Look, I know you want me to talk to you. I just don't know what to say. You're right, I am angry. I'm numb and in a strange state of disbelief. I don't know how to live in a world where people's deaths are written off like his. And maybe there are hundreds or thousands of deaths like Ezra's, but we wouldn't know because we don't talk about it or understand it. It's like their lives were for nothing, their existence nothing, but filling a seat in some stupid simulated game."
Her breath came in short gasps as her anger turned to sadness and fear. She hugged her knees, willing her breaths to even out.
Bodhi watched her fight her feelings; she cocooned herself, stared at the blue lamp and took even breaths. He knew that feeling. Fear and anger, intertwined tightly, slithering into every thought. He felt anger, too, but unlike hers, which shot out of her eyes and fingers and mouth like fire, his simmered and bubbled below his skin.
"Eri, I don't know what you think I am doing out here, exactly…but it isn't just having fun. I spend most of my days trying to find information. There are libraries and schools and businesses that have been sealed and abandoned. I sift through it all, piece by piece, hoping to reconstruct the story of how we got here. Hoping to find a way to bring it all down. It isn't right, Eri, the way we live our lives. This isolation and routine. Our souls crave community and creativity. This all needs to end, not just the Sims. And I'm running out of time."
She nodded. Once they graduated, it would be almost impossible for him to go outside. He would have a job and a timecard. It would be different.
"It's just not possible," she said.
He shook his head. "I have worked for years. Zare worked years. We are not the only ones who have tried to poke a hole in it all, to weaken the fabric that binds us to this rote existence. We know there is more out there. And there are more people who know that than just you and me…But I don't know how to move forward. How do we become organized? How do we make a difference? Because right now, we are easy targets, getting picked off through heat sensing technology."
Eri turned over his words and decided to commit to the conversation. "Could we find software that would allow us to communicate through the Sims without The People knowing?"
"I have looked into that. I can't figure it out. There isn't a way to find people like us, let alone communicate with them through the Sims. And since we can't connect, we can't create a meeting location."
Eri nodded. "So…is it like this for everyone? Like, are the Sims the only way people communicate?"
Bodhi snorted. "Yeah, right. Take my family, for example. We live in a real house, not an apartment, and have access to water and electricity at will. I wouldn't say things are the same for everyone for anything."
Eri's jaw dropped with shock. "That's why you always smell like soap!" She glared at him accusingly.
"It isn't like I asked for it!" Bodhi responded defensively. "My parents work for the government and are compensated with good benefits. I didn't say I thought it was right. But I can see, from my rooftop, a world very different from this one, north of here on the lake. There are giant houses and green grass and temperature controlled pools. And I see people, outside, talking leisurely as they ride around on these little carts. I have even seen a car or two enter into the gates of the community. I bet the farther north you go, the more communities like that there are. I can only guess that a large portion of our resources are consumed by that world and if they are able to maintain that life by keeping the rest of us literally in the dark…why wouldn't they?"
Eri blinked a few times, unable to comprehend what he was telling her. People went outside? And drove cars? "How can they go outside? And what does that have to do with the Sims? How do the Sims help them maintain that life?"
Bodhi sighed, defeated. "I don't know about the outside thing. I'm guessing they just have access to unlimited sunscreen. But think about it, we are segregated from birth by what we are able to afford with the Sims hardware and software. There is no chance any of us will end up mixing with any of them in the real world. They are able to purchase the best of everything, so everyone in their Sims classes are just like them. They do the best on achievement tests because they pay for the answers. They are placed into the highest paying jobs, including a majority of the political ones. And they are the only ones who can afford to run for office when we do have legitimate elections."
Eri let what he said swim around in her mind. How hopeless it sounded. "So, is this why you always look a little sad? You don't see a way out? Like, you get to spend all this time thinking and learning and reading, but it might, in the end, be for nothing?"
"Yes." He nodded one time, not making eye contact with her. "Yes, that's it exactly."
She nodded in return, feeling a piece of his helplessness transfer from him to her. She wanted to have a plan, to find a way to disrupt it all, but the enormity of it muted her passion as well as her anger. Apathy would be so much easier. She was intrigued that Bodhi hadn't given up.
Eri stood. She moved to Bodhi, close enough she could see him face to face, eye to eye.
"I don't want Ezra's death to paralyze me. We can figure this out. Nothing in this world has ever been done that wasn't first just a thought."
Bodhi's face tightened into a million emotions. "You barely know me, Eri. Committing to this kind of change, this work, is a serious commitment. You sure?" He smiled a serious smile.
"You scared I'll rat you out?" One corner of her mouth twitched toward a smile.
"No. That you'll change your mind."
"About wanting to make a difference?" Eri asked, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"No," Bodhi shook his head, hesitating. "No, that you will change your mind about me."
Eri stared at him, letting the air thicken with his discomfort.
"I knew the first time I saw you. Outside. You felt important to me. You still do." She looked into the fog, lost in its depths, reliving the first time she met him. It was both yesterday and years ago. She returned her eyes to his, watching him watch her. "I don't think we have time to walk lightly around this. Are you in? With me?"
Bodhi took a deep breath. "This is hard, Eri. I introduced you to this world. I could have just stayed away from you, but I couldn't and now you have that look. I've seen it, in Zare's eyes, in my mom's eyes. But you should know we have a miniscule chance of success, or survival if we take the risks necessary. And a better chance of losing everything."
She shrugged in response. "What is this life, if not for the risks we take to make it better? And what is the point of making it better for one person when we could make it better for thousands of people? Someone has to wake them up. We should at least try."
"Eri," Bodhi said. "I know you feel connected to this in a different way because of Ezra. I respect that. I need someone to help me plan, who can see the pieces and put them together. You're perfect, in every way, to be a part of this."
"So, why don't we-," she started.
"Because I have been in love with you since we were ten and I don't want to lose you. I'm selfish. You're my weakness."
Bodhi blinked at his own words. He looked down, uncomfortable and vulnerable, and in the blue light she could see the curl of his hair and the strength of his shoulders and she wondered at the complexity of him.
She reached out, touching his face. She put her hands on his knees and leaned int
o him. "It isn't just Ezra. Before I came outside, I felt sick constantly too. I won't wait it out and hope I make it to graduation. We're in this together. We take risks together. It can't be any other way."
He hugged her against his chest. His hands traced the outline of her back, down her spine to the small of her waist. He loosened his hold and placed his forehead against hers, breathing in the air they shared before kissing her. Her body tensed.
"What?" he asked.
"I've just never kissed anyone, like that," she admitted.
"Well, what do you think?"
She climbed onto his lap and looked down at his face. The dark, muted night enclosed them in a strange, empty closet, a small pocket of intimacy. She kissed him, lightly at first, tasting the skin around his mouth, his chin, his eyelids, and then kissing his lips. She was happy and full, but devastated and terrified as the numbness that had descended after Ezra's death melted away.
"I worry about you," he whispered.
"Don't," she replied.
The first raindrop was small and slipped down the back of her shirt. The coolness of it compared to the heat of his skin made her shiver. Then the rain came-fat, heavy drops against the back of her head, down her face, blurring together where her lips started and his stopped.
Eri slid off his lap, the rain blurring her vision. She walked to the middle of the roof and looked up into the black of the sky. Lightening illuminated the world in random bursts. She was reminded of the fireworks she had watched through the Sims as a child. She raised her arms to the sky and let the rain wash over her skin. The rain and the air and the memory of Ezra.
The differences between experiences in the real world versus the Sims world grew distinct in her mind. Real feelings were so intensely strong-sadness, excitement, anticipation, warmth-and she struggled to cope with them as they bombarded her one after another. Yet, she felt a lightness to her, accompanied with a strong sense of her own mortality. The regular, dim routine of her existence evaporated through her pores, replaced by a sturdier conviction-fueled desperation that made nothing and everything infinitely important.
The rain lightened, drawing away from her the blanket of grey water that enveloped her body. Her heavy clothes stuck to her skin. She removed her shirt, layering down to a tank top. She let the water run down her arms, thinking about how it seemed that the world cried out of loneliness.
She returned to Bodhi. His hair dripped rivers onto his face and his T-shirt clung to his shoulders and chest.
"I think you're beautiful," he said, his words blurred with rain. He blinked hard at her, his face intense with emotion.
Eri smiled, simultaneously shy and exhilarated. "I think you're beautiful too," she said. And she meant it.
She pushed the wet hair off his forehead and leaned into him, pressing her cheek against his. Encircling her arms around his neck, she put her lips on his neck as he stood, lifting her off her feet and hugging her tightly.
"Okay, then. Together?" he asked.
"Together," she answered.
Chapter 12
An accidental date
Eri sat in class, her bored digital head supported by a flat, digital palm. After a week of awkward oral presentations, history class was back to the drone of lecturing and notes, often with a quiz at the end of class. Ms. Fritz wrapped up her spiel on the underutilization of war technology. After a moment of silence while she surveyed their enraptured faces, she announced, "No quiz today." A collective sigh arose from the room.
"Hi," a voice said from behind Eri. She startled; others had moved out of their seats while she was still staring into space. She turned to see a young man standing next to her desk, peering down at her. He looked vaguely familiar.
"Um, hi?" Eri wasn't sure if she should stand. He was really close to her desk. Standing would put her oddly close to him. But staying seated meant he would continue peering down at her and that was weird, too. She stayed seated.
"So, you might not remember me, but we had math in the same section last semester? We were in a group together?" He seemed hopeful in his nudging, like perhaps she would finally remember his name and that she had been hoping to see him. She sighed. She hated how hard it was for her to remember names.
"I'm sorry, I'm not great with names. But you do look familiar." She wondered if that would soften the blow to his ego.
"Right," he laughed, his ego clearly not damaged. "My name is Zander." He smiled a dazzling smile down at her. It was strangely close to a sneer. His perfect teeth and chiseled jaw made her instantly suspicious that he looked nothing like his persona in real life. She smiled back weakly, unsure how to escape his attention. She was trapped.
"Well, a couple of us are getting together during our IP time to go bowling and then, ya know, hang out afterwards…" He trailed off, raising an eyebrow at her. She assumed this meant they were going to do things that required other software or had age restrictions. When she didn't respond, he added, "I wondered if you wanted to come with me." He smiled a smile that dared her to say no, and Eri felt small and uncomfortable.
"Um, I..." She looked down, trying to think of a way to say no.
Bodhi appeared at Zander's elbow. "Hey, Zander." Eri exhaled with relief.
Zander's eyes moved to Bodhi with irritation. "Hey, Bode. Was just making plans for IP time." He winked at Eri. She cringed.
"Eri and I are supposed to get together to study later, but if she'd rather hang with your crew, we can change our plans." Bodhi created a perfectly odd dynamic Zander didn't know how to respond to.
"Um, sure, we could do that." Zander's eyes darted from Eri to Bodhi as they both stared at him. "Yeah, that would be cool. Use code seventy-four thirty-three when you log on. Seven pm." He smiled at Eri again and walked away without acknowledging Bodhi.
Eri let out a breath. "Thanks for the save. He creeps me out." She shivered.
Bodhi's lips moved into a hard, unhappy line. "He should creep you out. You have good intuition. There are rumors about him…ones that I would feel bad spreading in case they aren't true. I wouldn't want any female alone with him, though." Bodhi watched Zander walk away.
Eri looked at him curiously. "We are just simulations. He couldn't really hurt anyone."
Bodhi shook his head. "I'm not sure about that. So tonight at seven?"
She sighed. "Sure. But am I going on a date with you or with Zander?"
Bodhi laughed. "I did confuse his plans a bit. I think perhaps it would be best if you were with me, but of course, we are just friends, right?" He winked at her.
She blushed as she logged off.
Eri unstrapped herself from her seat and went upstairs to eat. Her parents sat blandly in front of the TV. A pill bottle sat on its side on the couch between them.
"Hi," Eri said, looking at the TV. It was turned up too loud.
"Hi, honey," her mom slurred.
"Dinner on your own tonight," her dad mumbled, his eyes not leaving the TV. A ticker ran along the bottom, shouting the national news at them at high speed. Rapes, murders, fires, shootings, drug busts, sun poisoning, election season, lowest unemployment rate ever recorded, lowest levels of bacterial and viral infections, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Eri wondered how much of it was real. She rolled her eyes as she moved to the dining room table to eat a bowl of grainy, bland cereal. She remembered eating honey once. She tried to conjure up the memory of its sweet, warm texture.
* * * *
Eri was nervous; socializing was uncomfortable. Bodhi being there made it more complicated. She was pretty sure they had decided not to date through the Sims, but she was also pretty sure he was blatantly hitting on her. She sighed. She wasn't a good liar. She couldn't pretend she didn't want to be with Bodhi, simulated or not. They would need to talk about this.
She got situated in the Sims machine, enclosing herself more than she usually did. She put up and locked the privacy doors. She put on the gloves, the electrodes and wire connectors, the goggles, attaching her feet carefully to the
foot controls. Once all the way in, she heard it power up and in front of her eyes appeared a place for her to type her sign on and password, and then a code for a section number. She typed in the code she was pretty sure Zander had given her and then hoped to appear at a location she recognized.
As the pixels filled in her vision, she could hear the sounds of a bowling alley around her. She stood in the entryway, with the bowling area directly in front of her. A cool breeze fell upon her skin from the left. She looked left and saw a large indoor ice skating rink. Beyond that, a pizza place.
She walked to the bowling area, seeing Zander and another girl from her history class, and then two other boys she was pretty sure were in her lit class. She cursed herself for being so antisocial. How had she ended up here?
An arm nudged hers and she looked to her right, where Bodhi stood looking down at her.
"You're tall," she stated, looking up at him.
"Yeah, well, my persona is. I could be five foot tall in real life and you would never know." He smirked at her.
She opened her mouth to protest and then shut it.
"Unless," he continued, "you want to take a risk and put in a request for the marriage pool?" He tugged on her hair slightly, smiling a devilish grin.
Eri narrowed her eyes at him. Bodhi did nothing unintentionally. She would need to think about how to play along with this.
"Well," she responded with a coy look, "I would be willing to add your name to the long list of suitors I have. But I'm not sure I'm the marrying type."
"Oh, yeah?" he said. "And why is that?"
"I don't know, one person your whole life? Kinda boring. Isn't there a "random dating" option? Or an 'I'll try this and if it doesn't work out, I will give him back' option?"
He laughed. "Maybe. I've never seen the form. We will find out soon, though." He said this last sentence slowly, intentionally, and she caught a glimpse of what he was doing. She wondered if he was setting up a potential interest between them, so when they had to apply for housing later, they might request each other in the marriage pool. And once school ended in June…she wasn't guaranteed to see him in the fall if they didn't put in for married housing.
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