The blonde agreed. The lawyer asked the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?’
The blonde silently reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill, and handed it to the lawyer. Then she asked the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’
The lawyer took out his laptop computer and searched all his references. He tapped into the airphone with his modem and searched the net. Frustrated, he sent e-mails to all his co-workers and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he gave up. He woke the blonde up and handed her $50. The blonde accepted it, then turned away to get back to sleep. The lawyer asked the blonde, ‘Well, so what is the answer?’
Again, without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.
Fed up of people making fun of him, Santa decided to change his religion. He became assistant to a priest in a church. One day the priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called Santa D’Costa (his new assistant) and asked him to cover for him. Santa told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to stay with him for a little while and learn what to do.
Santa followed the priest into the confessional. A few minutes later a woman came in and said, ‘Father forgive me for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘What did you do?’
Woman: ‘I committed adultery.’
Priest: ‘How many times?’
Woman: ‘Three times.’
Priest: ‘Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the charity box, and sin no more.’
A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. He said, ‘Father forgive me for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘What did you do?’
Man: ‘I committed adultery.’
Priest: ‘How many times?’
Man: ‘Three times.’
Priest: ‘Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the charity box, and sin no more.’
Santa, a quick learner, told the priest that he understood the job and the priest could leave.
Santa D’Costa was now alone. A few minutes later another woman entered and said, ‘Father forgive me for I have sinned.’
Santa: ‘What did you do?’
Woman: ‘I committed adultery.’
Santa: ‘How many times?’
Woman: ‘Once.’
Santa: ‘Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the charity box, and sin twice more!’
What is a Sikh scuba diver called?
Jal-Andhar-Singh.
What is the history of Punjab called?
Sarson-Da-Saga.
What would Punjabi International Airlines be called?
Kitthe Pacific.
What would Punjabi National Airlines be named?
Itthe Pacific.
What do you call a Sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh.
What do you call a Sardar who has only one drink?
Just-one Singh.
What is a Sindhi lawyer called?
Case-wani.
What is a communist Sindhi called?
Lalwani.
What is a Sindhi who falls from the first floor called?
Thadani.
What is a Sindhi who falls from the thirtieth floor called?
Marjani.
What do you call a very rich Malayalee? Million Iyer.
Two germs met. ‘Are you ill?’ asked one, ‘You look terrible.’
‘Yes,’ the other answered, ‘I think I’ve caught an aspirin.’
‘Throw the baby down!’ shouted the fireman to a woman on top of a blazing building.
‘I won’t!’ she yelled back. ‘You might drop him!’
‘No, I won’t!’ he shouted back. ‘I’m a professional goalkeeper!’
Reassured, the woman dropped her baby to the footballer, who immediately bounced the child three times and kicked him over the garden wall.
The doctor told Banta that if he ran eight kilometres a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Banta called the doctor to report that he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
‘What’s the problem?’ asked the doctor.
‘I am 2,400 kms from home,’ replied Banta.
There was this good Samaritan barber in a city in the US. One day a florist went to him for a haircut. After the haircut when he wanted to pay, the barber replied, ‘Thank you, but I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service.’
The florist was pleasantly surprised and went back happy. The next morning when the barber opened the shop, there was a thank you card with a dozen roses waiting at his door.
Next day, a cop went for a haircut and he also got the same reply from the barber: ‘I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service.’
The cop was happy and left the shop. When the barber reached his shop the next morning, there was a thank you note and a dozen cookies waiting for him.
An Indian software engineer went for a haircut and when he wanted to pay the barber, barber, he too got the same reply: ‘I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service.’
The next morning when the barber went to open his shop, guess what he found there—
… a dozen Indians waiting for a free haircut.
Wife: The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.’
Husband: ‘Which is this?’
Newlywed: ‘Do you want dinner?’
Spouse: ‘Sure, what are my choices?’
Newlywed: ‘Yes and no.’
First guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
On a summer holiday in New York Banta decided to visit a bar. At the bar, the man sitting on Banta’s left told the bartender, ‘Johnie Walker, single.’ Then the man on his right ordered, ‘Jack Daniels, single.’ When the barman turned to Banta for an order, he said, ‘Banta, married.’
A regular brothel visitor got married one day and after his first night went straight to his best friend and started crying.
‘What’s the matter?’ asked his friend.
‘You know, yaar, as per my habit, I woke her up in the morning and gave her a hundred-rupee note,’ he said.
His friend exclaimed, ‘So what! Try to explain it to her, ask her to forget your past and lead a happy married life.’
‘That’s not the problem,’ he said angrily, ‘my wife gave me a fifty-rupee note back.’
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue colours of his country’s flag to an American tourist. ‘It’s symbolic of our taxes,’ he said. ‘We turn red when we talk about them, white when we figure them out, and blue when we pay them.’
The tourist answered, ‘It’s the same in America—only we see stars too!’
‘What kind of detective is Natha?’
‘Well, once a burglar wearing calf-skin gloves robbed a safe. Natha took the fingerprints and five days later arrested a cow in Haryana.’
A newly-opened clinic claimed:
We specialize in women and other diseases.
A sign in a zoo showed that food prices were soaring:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Seen painted on a T-shirt:
Dating is a hit-or-miss proposition—a girl who doesn’t become a hit, remains a miss!
Notice outside an electronic shop:
Exchange everything for new—TV, refrigerator, washing machine, etc. Bring along your wife—an excellent bargain.
Cardinal Gracius was once invited to give the first holy communion in a church in Bombay. The parish priest had prepared the young children thoroughly on how to respond to the prayers during the Holy Mass. He had taught the children that the response to the Bishop’s saying ‘The Lord be with you’ would be—‘And also with you.’
As the Cardinal began the Holy Mass, he fo
und that the mike was not working. He turned around to the parish priest and said, ‘Something is wrong with the mike.’
The children, well trained as they were, answered in a loud voice: ‘And also with you.’
She: ‘Here’s your ring back. I can’t marry you because I love someone else.’
He: ‘Who is he?’
She (nervously): ‘You’re not going to try to kill him?’
He: ‘No, but I’ll try and sell him the ring.’
Banta went to his doctor with two red ears. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, ‘I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidently picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.’
‘Oh, dear!’ the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. ‘But what happened to your other ear?’
‘The scoundrel called back.’
When he came across a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Santa asked the man, ‘Who died?’
‘My mother-in-law.’
‘How?’
‘The dog bit her.’
‘May I borrow the dog?’
‘Get in line.’
Santa and Banta were having difficulty trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
In an extremely frustrated tone Banta said, ‘I can’t seem to get this door unlocked.’
‘Well, you would better hurry up and try a little harder. It has started raining and the top of the car is down!’ replied Santa.
Indians have taken to St Valentine’s day with zest. Here are some samples of messages which appeared in the newspapers that day.
A message read: ‘Nearest, dearest, closest, sweetest, cutest, loveliest, hauntiest, tastiest, wittiest, crunchiest, Jannu. I just called to say I love you. Yours and only yours.’
Not to be outdone another gushed: ‘Dearest Limpo, you are the most crunchiest, munchiest, loveliest, sensuous, wittiest, funniest, terrific guy I love. Lots lots, lots of love to Limpo.’
Still another message read. ‘To Samta, my love, my life, my dream, my reality, my one and only wife, my best friend.’
And another: ‘Dear Anju, God created U4 me but I think he 4 got 2 tell U, UR 2 sweet 2 B4 go 10.’
And what about this: ‘Meri Idiotni, I believe in you and I love you. Tumhara Idiot.’
Brown sahibs have lots of fun spotting out grammar and spelling bloomers on hoardings, ads and brochures put out by their countrymen whose command over English is not as good as theirs. An American friend, Leonard J. Baldgya of the US Embassy has sent a short compilation of items picked up by American students in different parts of Europe. They make as good reading as our Hinglish:
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: ‘The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.’
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: ‘To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.’
In a hotel in Athens: ‘Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.’
In a Japanese hotel: ‘You are invited to take advantage of the chamber-maid.’
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery: ‘You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.’
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: ‘Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.’
On the menu of a Polish hotel: ‘Salad, a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the countrypeople’s fashion.’
In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s shop: ‘Drop your trousers here for best results.’
Outside a Paris dress shop: ‘Dresses for street-walking.’
Outside a Hong Kong dress shop: ‘Ladies have fits upstairs.’
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: ‘Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.’
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: ‘Take one of our horse-driven city tours—we guarantee no miscarriages.’
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: ‘Stop—Drive Sideways.’
In a Swiss mountain inn: ‘Special today—no ice cream.’
In a Bangkok temple: ‘It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man.’
In a Tokyo bar: ‘Special cocktail for ladies with nuts.’
In a Copenhagen airline office: ‘We take your bags and send them in all directions.’
In a Rome laundry: ‘Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.’
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: ‘A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.’
In a Rhodes tailor shop: ‘Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.’
In an East African newspaper: ‘A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.’
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: ‘Would you like to ride on your own ass?’
In the window of a Swedish furrier: ‘Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.’
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: ‘English well talking.’
‘Here speeching American.’ From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: ‘When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.’
‘Take me to the tenth floor,’ said Banta as he entered the lift of a high rise building. When the lift reached its destination, the liftman opened its gates and said, ‘The tenth floor, beta.’
‘Why did you call me beta?’ demanded Banta. ‘I am not your son.’
‘I called you beta because I brought you up,’ replied the liftman.
Poor man: ‘Lord, is it true that to you a thousand years is like a second?’
God: ‘Yes, that’s true.’
Poor man: ‘And is it also true that to you a thousand crores is like a paisa?’
God: ‘Yes, that’s so.’
Poor man: ‘Then, Lord, could you give me a thousand crores?’
God: ‘Yes, in a minute.’
A boy in love with a girl presented her with a lotus flower. In return the girl gave him a tight slap across his face. The boy was taken aback and asked, ‘I gave you a flower and you paid me back in this way. Why?’
The girl replied, ‘You gave me a kamal which is the emblem of the BJP and I gave you haath which is the emblem of the Congress party.’
Acknowledgements
Grateful acknowledgement is made to the following who contributed some of these jokes:
M.M. Kapoor, New Delhi; Suddha Basu, New Delhi; Vijay Gakkhar; Mahendra Kumar Rekhi, Rourkela; Mr Hadi, Chittagong, Bangladesh; R.R. Bajaj, New Delhi; S.N.K Naidu, Sidhouti; Reeten Ganguly, Tejpur; K.R. Prithvi Raj, Mumbai; Tushar, Najibabad; Tushar Kumar; Kamaljit Singh Ahluwalia, Amritsar; K.S. Menon, Mumbai; Ajay Sood, Delhi; H.S. Rattan; Shridhar Vyas, Bangalore; R.K. Murthi; Mukhtiar Singh Bhatia, Jamshedpur; Satindra Singh; Siddhantamangal; Kashyap, Guwahati; Vijay Dawar, Faridabad; J.P. Singh Kaka, New Delhi; R. Ravi, Bangalore; Debashish Bose, Calcutta; Vineet Khanna, Chandigarh; R.P.D. Sud, Ludhiana; A. Manjunath, Bangalore; Lysondra D’Mello, Bombay; J.S. Arora, Calcutta; Maasonna Rifaqat Ali, New Delhi; Rajeshwari Singh, New Delhi; Jyotica Sikand, New Delhi; G.C. Bhandari, Meerut; Hardip Kaur Sandhu, Denmark; Amrit Kachru, Washington DC; S.R. Patnaik, Cuttack; Anirban Sen, New Delhi; S. Parmeswaran, USA; H.S. Jatana, Mohali; Channi Pantal, New Delhi; V. Lalith Prasad, Hyderabad; Vikas Kaushik, New Delhi; Sucharita Das Sharma, Calcutta; S. Vishwanath, Mandya; P.S. Romesh, Bangalore; Gurpreet Singh, New Agra; P.P. Jacob, Kottayam; Thomas D’ Mello, Kundapara; Prof. Raja Ram Mehrotra, U.C. Hakee
m, Bareilly; Kaushik and Kanishka Datta, Calcutta; Sudheendra Bani, Bangalore; Shashank Shekhar, New Bombay; T.T. Subhashini, Ahmedabad; Rajan Sharma, Mukerian; R.S. Dutta, Chandigarh; P.V. Nayak, New Delhi; Ashish Saxena, New Delhi; Dara C. Shroff, Bangalore; S.K. Rana, Meerut; Dr R. Venkataraman, East Sussex, England; N. Anantaramn, Bangalore; Prakash Chaudhary, Lucknow; Harjeet Kaur, New Delhi; B.D. Desai, Surat; R.A. Goswami, Warangal; Deepanjan Basu, New Delhi; G.B. Anil, Chennai; Amir C. Tuteja, Washington DC; Gaurav Marwaha, Rajpura; Rizwan Vasser, Calcutta; S.B. Iyer, Bangalore; Baldev Kapur, Delhi; Vijay Kayal, Hojai; Anupam and Pranav Anshumati, Patna; A.P. Gibbs, Hyderbad; Raj Bir Singh, Calcutta; Sham Keswani, New Delhi; Mehtab Ali, Amrohi; Saket Budhiraja, New Delhi; Rose Sands; Firoz Bakht Ahmed, Delhi; Ashish Bakshi, New Delhi; Veerashwar Sobti, New Delhi; Tara Baswani, New Delhi; Tara Baswani, New Delhi; Judson K. Cornelius, Hyderabad.
PENGUIN BOOKS
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi 110 017, India
Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA
Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)
Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd)
Penguin Group (Australia), 707 Collins Street, Melbourne, Victoria 3008, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd)
Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, Auckland 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd)
Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, Block D, Rosebank Office Park, 181 Jan Smuts Avenue, Parktown North, Johannesburg 2193, South Africa
Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
First published by Penguin Books India 2000
The jokes in this volume were previously published as part of Khushwant Singh’s Joke Books Vols. 1–5
Copyright © Mala Dayal 2000
The Big Fat Joke Book Page 10