by Dawn Marie
I don’t want to be in this small space with him. Not with him in only a pair of jeans, it makes him too manly, too fuckable. It makes me crave him when I must stop wanting him. I should stop needing him. After all, he hasn’t contacted me. He has not said he’s sorry. He did not even respond to my voice mail. How pathetic is that?
Moving to the door knob, I grasp it, his hand covers mine quickly. He will not let me turn the knob, nor will he move his massive body. Glancing at his face, I stare at him, and he just gazes at me with an unforgiving gaze. My heart flips inside my chest, as I know for certain I must tell him the news I have come to tell him and leave. It’s that simple.
Or, maybe not simple at all. Is it?
This whole relationship. Is it a relationship?
Has it been?
“Move.” I demand. He doesn’t.
“Why are you here?” he grunts briskly. He’s in his “work” mode and I know I don’t stand a chance.
“Let me out, Dyane,” I ask him nicely.
“Not till you answer the fucking question!” he yells. His voice has too many pent-up emotions. I know where this can lead and I can’t let that happen. Not this time!
“Not in here,”
“Answer me!” he warns me. “Now!”
“Let me out.” I quietly ask.
Dyane can’t handle it when people do not conform to his wishes. He grabs me by my arm and yanks me to his naked chest. At the same time, he’s pushing me back to where I’m trapped between the hard edge of the sink and him. The look in his eyes is inhospitable, unfriendly and I feel a twitch of real fear. But I swallow it down, because I know he’d would not hurt me on purpose.
“What are you doing here?” he grunts. His zipper digs into my tender, rounded lower stomach. I am not answering that question in his bathroom. I’m sorry, I’m not.
He shakes me, my lower back hitting the hard sink, his fingers digging into my upper arms. I just look at him. He’s pissed. Angry. I know he’s pissed but I am going to tell him what I must and then leave. However, not in the damn bathroom.
“Let me out,” I say tenderly. “I’ll tell you why I am here.”
He stares at me harshly and I look him in the eye. He sees that I am telling the truth. After all, in his line of work he knows when someone is lying or telling the truth. I know he can feel my heart beating out of my chest. His is also beating too fast. I want to clutch him hard to my chest and kiss him. I want him to kiss me. I want him to hold me, tenderly, not with a gripping grip. He can tell this, I know, as he releases me.
I waste no time in pulling the door open and stomping out into the living room. He is right behind me, his bare feet slapping on the floor behind me. As I walk into the living room that is as familiar as my own, the female is there, and sitting in his recliner. I bite the side of my cheek as I walk to the end of the couch, by the front door. I don’t sit down. As Dyane moves his large frame between the couch and his chair.
He’s blocking my view now of the woman. Is he sad that he’s hurt me? Does he even know? I look at him now hard in the eyes, and yes, he knows. I am not sure what is going on with him but this subject is between us.
“Do you want her to hear what I have to say?” I motion over to his recliner.
“Spit it out, Dawn,” he rumbles.
“Why didn’t you answer my calls, Dyane?” I must ask as my voice hesitates just a bit.
“I didn’t want to,” he responds. “Is that why you are here?”
“No.”
Dyane glares at me hatefully. There is no other way to state it. I know he’s very upset about some stuff. I can see it inside his eyes even if he can’t admit it to me. I want so badly for him to just open his heart and admit the truth. He does love me! I just can’t understand why he can’t. It wraps my heart into pieces of barb-wire, and the cuts are getting deeper. I absorb what I am fixing to say to him. I can relate to the shock it is going to bring. I just hope I am strong enough to handle the force of his shock.
“I don’t have all day Dawn,” he spurts out with a hard tone. His look is dark, and gloomy. “What do you want with me?”
I feel dizzy for a second, so instead of standing and glaring at him I take a seat on the end of the couch. He can now look down at me and the chick can send hateful looks to me personally. Great, I think, she wants to set me on fire. Just wait…as I ponder how I am going to say what I need to say.
This sexy deputy I have fallen in love with has no clue yet how his detailed life is fixing to get torn up. I wonder if his views about family will change? He’s always stayed away from small children and babies. He hardly ever mentions my children, it made him uncomfortable so I didn’t bring them up much. Now it is a different situation for us all.
Can he accept this news?
My heart is already broken, how much more can it handle?
Chapter 25
“Are you sure you want your friend to hear this?” I ask again just to make sure. After all, this is between us. Him and me. I’m not feeling so great, but I must finish this. I need to be calm for what lays ahead of me. I can’t afford to be weak.
“Yes!” he barks. His fist curled up tightly against his legs shows how hard it is for him to stay in control of his emotions.
“It’s better if I show you why I am here,” I say delicately. I reach into my purse, and find the small printed picture of our baby. This is a moment that can’t be changed, I think. I pull the black and white piece of paper out that has torn my whole world apart. Well…our world apart. Dyane just doesn’t know it yet.
“That’s not a reason, to just fucking show up at my house, Dawn,” he shouts. He spreads his legs wide, his body is on high alert. It’s probably a good thing the chick is still in his chair because I have the feeling he’d be on me if she wasn’t.
I hold the small three by five slip of paper in my fingers, offering it to him to take. He stands there, his eyes dark, his body clenched tight. I hear the woman gasp, she views what I have in my small hand. Dyane doesn’t move. I shake the paper at him.
“Take it,” I plead.
He just stands there.
Still…
Not moving an inch.
“Please…take the picture, Dyane,” I beg him. It is taking all my control to hold back tears.
These are the longest minutes I have felt between us. Dyane moves his legs just a few inches and reaches with his right hand grabbing the paper from my fingertips. I swallow, holding my head down, as I know what this will do to him. I hear him gasp. I glance up and meet his bold gaze. A million questions boom back at me through his gaze.
He inspects the picture. I didn’t expect anything else from a man such as him. He looks me up and over, as if he’s trying to see any small detail that’s different. There’s a lot different with me. Can you see my heart? Is it bleeding because of you? I sit silent and still until his bold voice breaks the silence in the small room.
“What is this?” he demands harshly.
“It’s the picture of my ultrasound, showing our baby,” I explain gently. I am a mixture of emotions and feelings I don’t want to feel. But I must get through this moment. Because I have seven more months to get through and then I must rebuild my life with a baby. Who is innocent…a gift. Without him or with him I have responsibilities.
“Is this a joke?” he retorts angrily. As he flings the small picture towards me. It lands a few inches away from my feet. I don’t pick the picture up, at least not yet.
“No,” I reply with a long sigh. I’m tired. I’m out of patience.
“What are you after? Money?” he yells. “Cause it’s not mine.”
Unbelievable. I don’t see how he can say that. I’m hurt. I’m pissed. I’m in over my head and I feel like I’m drowning. Can anyone help me? “Yes, it is.” I snap. My eyes flash angry emotions towards him. If I could shake some common sense into this man I would.
“Don’t think so, sweetheart,” he snarls. “You’ll have to find someone else to scr
ew over.”
Oh, My God!
Then that woman…no that piranha, has the gall to speak up. I want to strangle her. It’s the hormones, I think…but the urge to inflict bodily damage to her face is hard for me to control. “Wow. What a cunt you are trying to take advantage of Dyane.”
Did she just call me a cunt? The nerve of the woman.
“It is yours!” I state harshly as I bend over and pick up the small picture of our baby. I put it back inside my purse. I glance up at Dyane and he’s pacing his living room floor. His huge shoulders are stiff, his hands still made into tight fists. His face has a scowl on it and you can plainly see he is one pissed-off man.
As I stand up, Dyane stops his pacing and glares at me. “If you want to be a part of this baby’s life, or mine…you know where to find us.” And I walk out his front door.
No matter how much I wanted to cry and scream at him. I didn’t. No matter how much I wanted to beg, plead…I didn’t. No matter how much my heart was ripped open I kept walking out his front door. Did he try to stop me? No. Did he call after me? No. And I kept my head up high, the tears at bay, and got into my car. I drove away with tears streaming down my cheeks. The sops coming out hard, the tears gushing onto my chest, my heart pounding so fiercely I felt like I was going to faint.
If only our hearts didn’t love so fiercely or true. They say love is patient. They say love is blind. They say love is kind. I don’t understand. All I know is that I have fallen in love with a man who probably doesn’t deserve my love. He doesn’t want to be loved. Is it just me? Can he ever love our baby?
I wonder so many things…I wonder if I will stop loving him.
Chapter 26
September 12, 2016
I’ve managed to make it into my second trimester. No word of any kind from Dyane. I’ve seen him out on patrol a few times when I had gone into town on errands. I thought a few days ago after seeing him at one of the home improvement stores in town he would contact me. He would ask how I am doing? If I needed any help? How’s the baby? And…there are those thoughts. Why hasn’t he asked about the baby?
If you really look at me you can notice the slight little round shape forming at the bottom of my belly. My kids say I shallowed a cantaloupe. They haven’t a clue yet how big I am going to get I laugh to myself. My kids and family have been amazing. I thought my kids being grown would have a fit. They were shocked but now they can’t wait. They buy gifts for the baby all the time. They have started to pick out names.
I have told them I wanted to wait till November until buying large stuff. The name I feel like I should have Dyane’s input. But I am not asking. I am done begging for his interest. My heart is too heavy. My heart is too ripped open to handle another slashing. Does that make any sense? I’m just trying to get through the months till the baby is due. I am nervous about having a healthy baby.
I am panicky about raising a baby alone.
October 7, 2016
Friday night and I’m lying on the couch watching a movie. A huge bowl of ice cream is in my lap. I’m starting to show that I am expecting. I can hardly hide the fact anymore. My emotions are all the place. I cry. I yell. I scream. I sleep. I eat. I clean.
And I wonder, where the hell is he? Why hasn’t he done anything?
I ask myself over and over, again and again. Should I contact him?
I will wait…or will I?
I can’t forget about us! The way he made me burn. The way he made me boil inside. The smell of his body, the heat of his hands, his laughter whenever I could make him laugh. Simply being in his arms, in his world, in his bed. I miss it. I ache for him.
I simply miss Dyane.
I can’t let this man lose what he needs most in his life. And that’s me…
Me and our baby.
I can’t just give up.
I’m going to reach him!
I must.
November 13, 2016
It’s a special day. Today is Dyane’s birthday. Still no contact from him but I am surprised I have been so strong. I haven’t contacted him. But today…well…I am going to. I have more than one valid excuse to contact him. I am going to wish him a happy birthday. Plus, I am six months along now.
Our baby is growing every day. And, he’s kicking and punching me like crazy. At times, it hurts so much I double over. Sometimes I laugh, because I can see my dress move when he does a move inside me. I can still see my toes just barely. And, since I found out the sex of our baby I bought him some bottles and diapers yesterday. It has finally sunk in that I am really having a baby. That soon it will be me and him.
With those thoughts, I so badly want it to be me, him and his Daddy. The three of us and not the two of us. And, with that thought I am going to get in touch with Dyane.
It hurts. It’s too raw of a pain to deal with right now, I need to stay calm. As much as possible, as I have started having premature contractions. Another reason I need to contact Dyane. In case something happens to me…or my worst thought, something happening to our baby.
I text him: Happy Birthday! Look at how much our baby is growing!
Picture attached with my round belly.
I am resting and surprising it doesn’t take that long before my phone flashes I have a message. As I check my phone it is from Dyane…my heart speeds up, the baby kicks me hard and I gasp, and I smile.
Dyane: Thanks! It doesn’t feel happy…that’s amazing! I’d like to see you Dawn.
With that message, I think…
With that message, my heart has hope…
Is love patient?
Is love kind?
Is love worth the pain?
Is love worth the fight?
I like to think all those.
I hope to be patient with him.
I love him.
Chapter 27
January 28, 2017
Dyane wasted no more time in coming over and dealing with the painful deeds he had caused. We have sort of truce in effect right now. I have moved in with him at his house because my little house wasn’t big enough for us. His spare bedroom is now painted a light blue for our son. An oak crib is in the center with a rocking chair beside it. Ready for when our son arrives.
It hasn’t been easy for us. Especially when he puts on his deputy uniform and places his gun in his holster. When he is preparing for another day at work and strapping on a bullet proof vest. Those moments are the hardest for me. I can’t help but to wonder how I would handle that knock at the door or that phone call saying something had happened to him.
For Dyane to be such a hard-boiled man he’s coming around to being more compassionate. He wants me to support him. And I do. Really, I do! It is just so challenging to understand why he does what he does. Especially when people do not appreciate what exactly he does do for our community.
I’m having contractions and he’s out working. And I think I am going to have to call him. I believe our son wants to meet us. I know his Daddy needs to hold him and see what our love has created. So, I pick up my phone as the pain is getting harder to handle and call his number. It rings and rings. I hang up.
I must go pee…
As I pee I see signs of blood, and I tell I need to get to the hospital. I call my kids letting them know its time. Everyone is scared and excited all at once. I call Dyane’s cell one more time. It rings, rings, and finally…
“Hello, Deputy Nelson,” he grunts.
“Baby, it’s time!” I tell him.
“Time?” he asks shocked.
“The baby is coming,”
“NOW!” he screams.
I laugh, then groan…the pains are coming harder. “Yesss…”
“I’m on my way!” he yells. “Don’t move.”
“I can’t…” I moan.
I don’t know where he was at when I called him but no less than eight minutes he was pulling up into the driveway in his patrol car. He rushed inside, still looking spotless in his deputy uniform, frantic looking for me as I came out
of the bedroom with my overnight bag and purse. He hugged me tightly and kissed me hard.
“Let’s go baby,” I told him after his kiss. “Our son wants to meet us.”
“Like now?” he asks nervously.
I smirk. It’s actually funny this hard man is now scared. He can put his life on the line for complete strangers but is scared a baby is coming into the world.
“Maybe ten minutes…” I painfully groan.
“Shit.” He yells as he rushes me out to his truck. He doesn’t bother to change clothes and really there’s no time. I hate to tell him I think the baby’s head is out. I moan from the pain as he heads in a rush to the hospital in Pensacola.
January 28th, 2017 our son makes his crying entrance into the world.
Everyone say hello to: Eli Gabriel Nelson.
There’s something so awe inspiring as a newborn baby. It opens your heart and eyes. I can see a complete change in the man I love. As he watches me feed Eli his first bottle, he sits beside us on the hospital bed. His eyes are red from crying.
Crying. He’s actually really crying!
My handsome, sexy deputy is crying.
And that is so heart breaking real that I have tears of joy in my eyes.
“I love you, Dyane.” I whisper to him.
“I love you, Dawn,” he tenderly informs me. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”
And with those words my heart starts to heal…
Eli has his Daddy’s eyes and my brownish-red hair. He’s seven and half pounds. He’s beautiful. But I think all babies are beautiful. Dyane kisses me so hard I can feel it into my heart. I’m tired, sore and want to go home. I am ready for the three of us to start our life together.
Tomorrow my older children will be here to help us home and see their baby brother. I can’t wait…
Can’t wait to see how my sexy deputy handles fatherhood…
And me.
I may need to be frisked weekly from my smart mouth. But Dyane does find joy from my bubbly personality and I find such wicked joy from his scorching persona. Or, should I say, wickedly mind-blowing orgasms.