A familiar thumping sound interrupted the silence.
Petey stood in the doorway, his tail wagging against the floor. The night before, upon seeing Seth, he had celebrated by barking endlessly, nearly tackling him and showering him with a tongue bath. He’d then taken to running around the place in a frenzied expression of glee and celebration until he’d grown exhausted and collapsed on a rug in the kitchen. Petey often seemed to have no clue how big or how old he was, he only seemed certain of one thing: how much he loved Seth and Peggy. Now he watched Seth as he had so many times in the past, his soulful eyes searching, waiting for the signal that it was all right to join Seth on the bed.
Seth couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt happy. “Hey, big man,” he said. “What are you doing?”
Petey lowered his head a bit, and though he readjusted the position of his front paws he remained in the same spot, waiting.
“Somebody misses his daddy big-time,” Peggy said. She reached for a pair of jeans on the nearby bureau but remained in front of the mirror.
Seth grinned at him. “Well…come on.”
The lab bounded across the room and launched into the air. He landed on a spot of bed partially occupied by Seth, and as Seth caught him in a big hug, the two fell back on the sheets to the sound of Seth’s laughter. Petey lapped at his face until Seth managed to maneuver him off. “I miss you too, buddy, I miss you too!” Seth took the dog’s head in both hands and planted a kiss on the bridge of his long nose. “Who is my good boy? Petey-man!”
Peggy laughed lightly as she squirmed into a pair of old but tight jeans. “You’re like a little boy when you’re with him.”
“Yeah,” he said softly, running his hands over the dog’s shoulders. He glanced over in time to see Peggy just pulling the jeans up over her bare ass. “Isn’t it great?”
“I have to admit it is.”
“Petey’s the man. After all, he brought us together.”
“This is true.”
“I love him.”
She faced him now, as she buttoned the jeans closed. “And he loves you.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Do you still love me too?”
Her pale blue eyes gazed back at him. “You’re the one who left.”
“That wasn’t the question.”
“Are you fishing for compliments or are we having a real conversation?”
Petey flopped down across Seth’s lap, his chin flat against Seth’s thigh. “I just wanted you to know how I feel.”
“OK.” She peeled off the half shirt, tossed it into a hamper in the corner then retrieved a sweater from the bureau. She slipped it on then pulled the sleeves up a bit on each arm. It looked huge on her. “How do you feel, Seth?”
He pet the dog a while. “Maybe once I have some things worked out I could come home and we could—”
“Which home?” She folded her arms across her chest. “The home we had, our home? Neither of us live there anymore remember? There’s only your home and my home now. That’s the way you wanted it.”
He nodded blankly.
“Love means nothing,” she said, “unless we’re together in a meaningful way.”
He saw his opening, and took it. “Peg, if something were to happen to me and—”
“What’s going to happen to you?”
“I said if something were to happen to me. I want you to let it go, OK?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Something bad,” he said. “If something bad happens to me and—and maybe it doesn’t seem quite right, I want you to just leave it alone and get on with your life.”
“I’m already doing my best to get on with my life, Seth.”
Petey let out a soft moan as Seth continued petting him gently. “Just promise me.”
She came closer, though somewhat hesitantly. “What are you into?”
Seth forced himself to look into her eyes. But when he did he saw another set of eyes. He saw eyes from the night before at the hospital, eyes that belonged not to his wife, but someone else.
“I talked to Becky last night,” he told her. “It was…strange.”
“Well, Jesus, with the kids and a new fiancé and all, she’s in a horribly awkward position.” Peggy’s posture relaxed somewhat and her expression softened. “But they were married for years, you can’t just discount that, and Louis is still the father of her children. Some deep waters running there.”
“Yeah,” he said, but his thoughts had already returned to the hospital the night before, replaying the moment Becky and her boyfriend emerged from the hallway, moved through the waiting area and headed straight for the exit.
* * *
Arm-in-arm, they walked briskly and with purpose. Becky, who was wiping at her nose with a tissue that had seen better days, and the man, a tall, square-jawed type who looked like he’d just come from modeling sweaters for a catalogue shoot, remained oblivious to Seth’s presence until he stood up from the chair he’d been waiting in and crossed in front of them.
The couple slowed but didn’t stop. The man offered an annoyed side-glance and said something to Becky only they could hear. She noticed Seth for the first time and a look of instant recognition crossed her face.
Still several feet away, Seth gave an awkward wave and stood his ground.
Becky whispered something back to her boyfriend then patted him on the arm as if to reassure him. After a few seconds of staring, he flashed a blinding smile and nodded to Seth quickly, granting consent, then strolled across the waiting area and out the exit without another word.
Seth slowly closed the gap between them. She’d lightened her hair since the last time he’d seen her, and her makeup wasn’t as heavy as she’d once worn it. Still, even under the circumstances, though she looked tired and emotionally drained, all things considered, she looked pretty good. Louis had essentially fallen apart since their divorce, but the opposite seemed true with her. Becky was fit, healthy and seemed together. Her clothes sported the kind of designer labels she hadn’t been able to afford while married to Louis, and her fingers, nails professionally manicured and painted a dazzling red, were adorned with several pieces of obviously new jewelry, including a large diamond engagement ring.
“Hi,” he finally said.
“Seth,” she said; voice weak and drawn. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.”
Though he knew she was lying, he let it go. “It’s OK.”
They stood looking at each other a moment. In years past, when she and Louis had been married they might’ve hugged. Instead, Seth offered his hand. She shook it with deliberate indifference. Her skin looked vibrant and well cared for but was cold and clammy to the touch. “Is there any word?”
Becky ran the tissue under each eye, patting away remnants of tears. “The doctor said the next twenty-four hours are crucial. He’s got really serious head and neck injuries. He’s in a coma.”
“Christ.” He released her hand and let his own flop to his side lifelessly.
“If he can hang on and make it through the night—and from everything they’ve told me that’s a big if—they said he has a chance.” She crumpled the tissue in her hand and shook her head sadly. “Assuming he even gets that far, the question’s more about the quality of life at this point. Even the best case scenario didn’t sound very promising.”
“I’m sorry, Beck.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Are you all right?”
She folded her arms and her body swayed a bit, as if with an unseen wind. “I’ll be OK. I just have to figure out how to tell the kids. They have to know what’s happened but I…” Her head turned suddenly, the sorrow in her eyes replaced with anger. “Why would he do this, Seth? Why would he do this to his kids?”
“I don’t know. He was having a lot of problems.”
“Tell me about it,” she snapped. “It’s been getting worse for a long time now, and over the last few weeks it’s been ridiculous. He was calli
ng four, five times a night, and at all hours. He’d insist I go check on the kids and he kept telling me how sorry he was. He’d cry like a baby, like he’d completely lost his mind.”
“Did he say anything specifically about what was wrong?”
“It was mostly rambling stuff. But it was frightening. It was like he was deranged or something. Most of the time he didn’t even make sense, and I was worried about him, but I never thought he’d do something like this. How could he be so goddamn selfish?” She drifted closer to the exit, glanced first at the security guard and then out at the rainy night. “Louis was never good at seeing things from anyone else’s position. He never sees beyond how things directly affect him.”
A strange pulsating sensation tickled Seth’s temple. He brushed his fingers across it quickly, the way one might swat away a crawling bug. But it felt like this bug was beneath the skin. After a few seconds the sensation became visual, as a small black spot appeared in the corner of his right eye, flickering across his vision. He turned a bit, tried to focus on it, but as he moved, it did too.
The security guard was watching him again from his position on the wall, and though Becky was still talking, for a brief interval all sound escaped him.
When it returned it did so gradually, like a slowly turned dial, and things previously unnoticed became more pronounced: the hum of a nearby cola vending machine, the incessant buzz of overhead fluorescent lights, the raindrops pitter-pattering against the windows, and the sound of Becky’s voice.
“…sometimes we have to do what’s best for everyone, not just ourselves,” she said, her small leather purse clutched in both hands, the delicate chain shoulder strap dangling like a broken limb. “We have to have faith in the bigger picture and not question things so much. We should just go along, you know what I mean?”
Seth realized Becky’s voice was out of sync with the movement of her mouth, and he suddenly felt dizzy. “I don’t—yeah, I…”
She leaned closer and whispered, “Just let them out.”
“What did—what did you say?”
Becky smiled. It was a cold, soulless smile that parted her lips in a manner that should have shown her teeth, but instead revealed toothless gums, bloodied and diseased. Her eyes rolled to black, shiny onyx orbs impossible and inhuman.
Shrieks of terror called to Seth from the past.
In his mind he stepped back in a harried attempt to get away from her, but in reality he stood frozen, the incapacitating horror within him spiking in time with the pulsating black spot. It grew quickly, spreading like spilled ink, the darkness filling his eyes to a point where only peripheral vision remained.
Becky cocked her head. “Seth, are you all right?”
He felt himself nod in agreement. The darkness slowly dissipated, drifting off in different directions, black fingers worming across his eyes until they were gone. In their wake they left the beginnings of a headache that throbbed across his temples and spread slowly to the back of his head.
“Do you need to sit down?” she asked, reaching carefully for his arm. “You looked like you were going to faint there for a minute.”
“I’m good, I’m—I’m OK.” He rubbed his eyes, looked around cautiously. “I’m all right.”
Becky seemed unconvinced. “Maybe you should sit down.”
She, and everything else, seemed to have returned to normal. Or perhaps it was he who had returned to normal and everything else had always been that way. Of course, he thought, of course that’s what it was. It was all in his head.
Do you think you’re crazy, Seth?
“Sorry,” he said softly. “I have a splitting headache.”
She looked back at the reception desk on the far side of the room. “You want me to see if they have some aspirin or something handy?”
“Thanks, it’s OK.”
“You sure? I might even have something in my purse come to think of—”
“I’m all right. I…” He watched her, waiting to see if anything else would happen. His chest felt tight and his fingertips tingled, asleep. “Sometimes it just feels like everything’s coming apart, like the whole world’s falling in on me.”
“Yeah, I hear ya.” Becky nodded and let out a long sigh. “We were supposed to leave for Montana next week.”
“I heard.”
“Now, I don’t know. I can’t just leave him this way, but goddamn it, Seth, we’re not married anymore. I have my own life now, you know? And the kids deserve better than this. We have a chance at a life there with my fiancé, a real life. Louis knew how important this was for us, and now he does something like this and what—what the hell am I supposed to do now? Tell me, what do I do now? What do I tell the kids?”
“I wish I knew, Becky.” Seth rubbed the back of his neck. The pain was spreading. “I wish to Christ I knew.”
She opened her purse, dug another tissue from it then snapped it shut. “You must think I’m some awful coldhearted bitch.”
“Look, I never—”
“We were happy once, a long time ago.”
“You don’t have to get into this.”
“But then it died. I didn’t kill it, he didn’t kill it. It just happened. It just…died.”
“It’s really none of my—”
“It’s like pretending you’re dead,” she said flatly. “Going through life like that, the way I did before. The way I did when I was with Louis. Hoping every day will be the one when things change, when things get better. But it never gets better, it only gets worse. I was miserable and so were the kids. Now, we’re reborn.”
Seth found her choice of words unsettling. He could just barely remember a time before all this, when Louis and Becky were still together and happy. Hadn’t they been happy once, as she claimed, genuinely happy? Hadn’t he witnessed it himself on several occasions over the years? Or had it all been a lie, a big smokescreen?
Becky blew her nose then pitched the tissue into a nearby trash bin. “I should go.”
“If you need anything let me know, OK?”
“I loved him once. There was a time when I did love him, Seth.”
“I understand.”
“But it wasn’t meant to be.” Her eyes turned brighter, the coldness in her posture and facial expressions slipping away. “This was meant to be, my life now.”
“Then maybe you should get on it with it, Becky. Go to Montana as planned and start over with the kids. I don’t know what else to tell you.”
Maybe he’ll do you all a favor and die during the night.
“Take care of yourself, Seth.” A slight grin crossed her face as she casually gave Seth’s shoulder a quick pat. “Go home and get some rest.”
“You too.”
Becky turned and moved toward the exit. Seth noticed again how she and the security guard exchanged glances that seemed oddly familiar, as if they knew each other. Or was it only his mounting paranoia?
As the doors slid open she stopped suddenly, as if she’d forgotten something important, and looked back at Seth. The sudden smile on her face showed off a beautiful set of pearly white teeth. “It’s going to be all right,” she told him, her voice smooth and unusually whispery. “Everything’s going to be all right.”
Once again, Seth let the trees beyond the window distract him.
He gave Petey a pat on the head then rose from bed and walked closer so he might have a better view of the backyard. The area possessed a rather indifferent sense of desolation, and reminded him of other memories, other barren landscapes in distant winter dreams, none of which particularly appealed to him at that moment. His eyes moved across a series of stripped trees, black branches dancing in the wind, then along a small patch of dead ground leading to a grassy slope which eventually spilled out into the ocean. Finally, he looked to the sky, dark and ghostly gray. Everything seemed so lifeless out there, so icy and dead.
“We’re treading some rather deep water ourselves,” Peggy said from behind him.
He’d momentarily
forgotten she was there. Several birds gathered on a telephone wire which ran across the back of the house to the street were suddenly disturbed and flew away in unison, forming a synchronized pattern that turned in one direction then the next. The flock disappeared over the treetops. Seth visualized them gliding out over the ocean.
“Or maybe we’re just sinking in them,” she said.
A chill swept through him, and it was then that he remembered he was nude. “Is it OK if I use the shower?”
“Sure, just leave a quarter on the counter.”
Seth responded with a brief, obligatory smile. “I’m sorry, Peg…for everything.”
“Last night,” she said quietly, arms wrapped around her sides, “you were so sad and helpless. You were so lost. And then later, for a little while it was just you and me and everything was all right again, everything was like it used to be. The storms in you went quiet and there was nothing scary in the dark because there was only the two of us. There was only warmth and love and trust and silence.”
“Peace.”
“Yes,” she said. “Peace.”
He stood there naked, numb and uncertain.
“Are you still seeing Connie Farrow?”
It took a moment for the name to register. “Doc?”
“Yes, Doctor Farrow, are you still seeing her?”
When Seth had first considered the idea of seeing a psychiatrist he and Peggy had already split, but when he’d hinted that seeing a doctor might be a good idea, she had found Doctor Farrow through a friend of a friend, a psychiatrist she had personally never met but who was highly recommended and trusted by those who had. Since she was included as one of the doctor’s in Seth’s health insurance through work, when he learned she was taking some new patients he’d decided to go with her. But he’d never discussed his sessions with Peggy or anyone for that matter. “Yeah, I still see her, but we’re on a break. She’s on vacation. The Cayman Islands, I think she said.”
Deep Night Page 19