No Strings

by J. C. Hayden

  “Are you okay?” Callum asked.

  I forced a smile and looked down at him. “Yeah, I’m good,” I said. “Just tired.”

  “You’ve been studying so much lately,” Callum said, shifting and angling himself toward me so that his knee was brushing my ankle. He absently started to massage my calf that was dangling down from the couch, the other leg bent up under me. It was a position the two of us had occupied countless times over the years. “No wonder you’re exhausted.”

  I shrugged, looking back out at the party. “Well, you know, I want to get good grades, so…” I didn’t know what else to say.

  “I feel like we haven’t hung out in a while,” Callum said, his voice getting a bit softer.

  He was right. I was a shit friend. I’d been having sex with Brody pretty much every day or night for the past several weeks, and I’d completely ignored my best friends in the world. These were the last couple months that I was going to be able to spend consistent time with them, and I was wasting it on a guy who clearly didn’t even care about me in the slightest. I hadn’t asked Callum how school and stuff had been going leading up to today’s announcement that he had gotten accepted into the PhD program. I hadn’t even known he’d completed his application and officially submitted his thesis. I hadn’t known that Talia and Carver were sort of fighting because I’d had no idea that Carver and Michael were talking again. I’d been completely absent from their lives for weeks, and for what?

  “I know,” I said, turning a bit more toward him so I could look at him. “I’m sorry.”

  Callum shook his head. “Don’t apologize,” he said. Then he gave me a small smile. “I just miss you.” He reached over and took my free hand loosely in his, twirling my fingers between his, his eyes on what he was doing, and I tried not to frown in confusion. Callum had never done anything like this before with me, and I wasn’t entirely sure how to react.

  True, I’d sort of crushed on him on and off for years, but both of us understood that we were just friends.

  Of course.

  Obviously.

  At least that’s what I had always assumed when Callum hadn’t made a move in all the years we’d known each other.

  A moment later, he dropped my hand and put his hand back in his lap, meeting my eyes again.

  “I have a surprise for you.”

  I smiled and pushed aside my thoughts about what had just happened. I knew it was nothing. Of course it was nothing. “Oh?”

  He held up a key, and I frowned.

  “What is that?”

  “You seem like you could use a break from everything, like you could go for some relaxation,” Callum said. I gave him a look like I still didn’t get it. Callum grinned. “It’s the key to the planetarium.”

  I gasped and my mouth fell open in shocked excitement. “Are you serious?”

  Callum worked part time at the school planetarium just to get some extra money. His mom was a single mom and tried to help him out when she could, but there was little she could give him when she was still working hard to support Cal’s two younger sisters who were in high school.

  When he’d first gotten the job at the planetarium when I was still in my freshman year and he was in his second semester as a sophomore, we used to sneak in after hours to look at the stars and planets. We would lay there for hours, staring up at the projected sky and he would tell me about the constellations and the stars and the planets.

  I used to drift in and out of sleep at the sound of his voice, and sometimes I would wake up, lying with my head on his chest, Callum’s breath coming heavily after he had drifted off as well.

  Those were some of my favorite memories of our friendship. Just being there with him, listening to everything he knew, loving our time together that was just us, away from drama, away from the hustle and bustle of the campus. I always felt so at peace in those quiet moments.

  “Of course I’m serious,” Callum said, putting the key in my lap. “You need to relax,” he said. “You look really tense, and you deserve a break.”

  “Cal…” I held the key in my hands like it was made of precious metal. Then I looked up at him. “This is seriously, like, the best gift anyone has ever given me.”

  Callum laughed. “Well, you should go now,” he said. “I’ll make excuses for your absence if anyone asks.”

  “You aren’t coming, too?”

  He shrugged and gave me a soft look. “Not this time,” he said quietly. “I think you need some time just for you.”

  I sighed before pushing myself off the chair and climbing into Callum’s arms so I could hug him close. I ended up mostly in his lap and his arms came around my waist tightly as I wrapped mine around his neck.

  “Thank you so much, Cal,” I whispered in his ear. “I really needed this.”

  “You know I’d do anything for you, Catrina,” he murmured back to me, his breath tickling my neck.

  I felt a frisson of something go through me, some feeling I couldn’t place, and then I climbed inelegantly off his lap.

  “Enjoy,” he said as he gazed up at me.

  I ruffled a hand through his hair, still feeling a bit uneasy as I turned to go grab some things from my room. I was just shoving a few things into a little crossbody bag when I heard my name being called from the door. I turned around to see Callum standing in the doorway looking—from the way his eyes kept casting downwards—nervous.

  “Hey,” I said to him.

  “Talia told me earlier that she’s going to spring festival with Jack next weekend and wants all of us to come,” he said. He started fidgeting with a piece of string at the hem of his t-shirt. “Carver and Michael are going with them, too. I think this is Talia’s way of extending an olive branch,” he muttered to himself. I just watched him, frowning a bit. “So I figured you and I could go together.”

  My frowned deepened. “Oh. Well, yeah, of course,” I said, slightly confused. If Talia and Carver were going, and Talia wanted us all there, why wouldn’t Callum and I show up together?

  “Really?” Callum said, smiling and sounding relieved. “Okay, awesome. They’re having this, like, a jazz festival thing there, and I know you love jazz music.”

  My stomach flipped when I remembered the last time I had listened to live jazz music. I’d been cuddled up on the grass next to Brody, happier than I could ever remember being.

  I didn’t say anything. I just gave Callum one last hug and said thanked him again before heading to the planetarium.

  ◆◆◆

  God, this was my absolute favorite place in the entire world.

  I had turned on one of my favorite projections. It was an image of the constellations Cepheus, Cassiopeia, and Andromeda. I loved this image so much because of the story of the Greek god Cepheus and his daughter Andromeda that Callum told me the first time we’d gazed at it together.

  He told me the story of Cepheus being forced to sacrifice Andromeda after Cepheus’s wife (and Andromeda’s mother), Cassiopeia, had offended the sea nymphs by saying she and her daughter were more beautiful than them. Cepheus and Cassiopeia sent the beautiful Andromeda to be sacrificed to Poseidon, but she was saved by Perseus just as she was about to be devoured by a sea monster. Andromeda and Perseus immediately fell in love after he saved her, and they lived a happy life together.

  I loved this story so much for two reasons. The first was that every time I saw the constellations I was reminded of Callum. I remembered how fervently he’d told the story and how his eyes had lit up with the excitement I’m sure he saw in my own. The second was because it reminded me of my friends. When I told Talia that story about Andromeda, she had laughed and said didn’t it sometimes feel like our parents had sacrificed us to the gods of higher education. I had rolled my eyes at the time, but when I thought about it later I realized how true it was. We were all alone here in this new world, until we found each other. We were each Andromeda and Perseus, saving and being saved by each other. Callum, Talia, and Carver were the best things
that had ever happened to me. And if being sacrificed to the gods of higher education meant finding them, I’d choose that sacrifice every time.

  I let out a contented sigh as I stared up at the constellations. I felt incredibly relaxed after doing some meditative breathing. There was still a small tinge in the back of my mind, like I’d forgotten something, but it was nothing that I couldn’t handle, because every other part of my body felt relaxed, free of burdens, at peace. It was almost as if the afternoon had never even happened.

  Just when I was thinking about how I never wanted to leave this room and go back to the real world, there was a movement next to me. I sat up quickly from my spot on the ground, the shock making my words freeze in my throat so that I couldn’t even protest, so stunned was I when I saw the sight next to me.

  “Never been in here before.” A pause. “It’s nice.”

  There was a long pause where I tried to find my voice again, tried to register what on earth was happening.

  “Brody,” I hissed, moving away from him as he laid down on the floor next to me, looking impossibly gorgeous with his blonde hair a tousled mess, making my heart ache. “What are you doing here?”

  “Wanted to see you.”

  There were a million responses I had to that, but the first thought that formed was—“How did you know I was here?”

  “Your Snapchat from earlier,” he said with a shrug, not looking at me despite my eyes glaring daggers down at him from where I was sitting up next to him.

  Damn social media. No, wait—

  “I deleted you on Snapchat.”

  I saw his jaw clench up, but he still didn’t meet my eyes. “Yeah, I know.”

  “So how did you—?”

  “Gabe was looking at your story, and I saw that you posted at the planetarium, so I came.”

  “Brody.”

  “I wanted to see you,” he repeated.

  I stared down at him as the silence stretched, and I didn’t even register—okay, maybe I did a little—that he seemed upset that I had deleted him on Snapchat, because I couldn’t believe the audacity of any of this! Why was he even looking at my story? And why on earth did he possibly think I’d want to see him after how he’d acted today?

  Another moment passed, and I thought about getting up and leaving. But, dammit, this was my place, my sanctuary. I wasn’t going to let him make me leave. I wasn’t going to let him take this after he’d taken everything else.

  “You seemed upset earlier,” Brody said, as casually as if he had said “nice weather we’re having.”

  I gaped. “You’re not serious?”

  Finally, Brody turned his head and looked up at me. I refused to acknowledge how beautiful he looked in the glowing light. We gazed at each other for long moments. My chest was heaving in anger as Brody sat there as if what was happening was the most normal, acceptable, easygoing thing in the world. Almost as if this afternoon hadn’t even happened. And it pissed me off.

  I stood up abruptly, not caring anymore if he was invading my sacred space because I couldn’t stand to be around him for another moment. Just as I moved to my feet, Brody grabbed my wrist.

  I looked down at him, mouth open, ready to tear into him for his arrogance, his audacity, but then I caught the look in his eyes, and I was locked in his gaze, locked in a look that I couldn’t quite read. Something between lust and anger and vulnerability and apology maybe.

  God, I fucking loved him.

  No matter what I told myself, no matter what I tried to convince myself of, no matter how angry I was at him. Because in these weeks that we had been together, he had shown me more of himself than most people had ever shown me, and I felt like I knew him and he knew me backwards and forwards. I couldn’t stay away.

  I was throwing myself down into his arms just as he was sitting up and pulling me onto his lap. I straddled him, and I grabbed his hair in my hands, holding his head in place as I kissed him roughly. He grabbed my hips, yanking me against him, and I kissed him harder, attacking his mouth, opening to him, letting all the emotion from the past several hours—hell, the past several weeks—pour out into this one kiss.

  We were both panting heavily as I ground against him, feeling him harden underneath me, and after what felt like hours, I yanked his head back by his hair, and Brody hissed in pain as I met his eyes. I tried to convey the anger and betrayal I felt just with a look. He seemed to understand it, because he was returning it with a look of his own, just as intense, just as heated, his chest heaving against mine.

  “You hurt me today,” I said after several moments.

  Brody’s features softened just a bit. “I know.”

  “I know we’re supposed to be, you know, no strings or whatever, but that doesn’t mean you have to act like an asshole.”

  “Catrina—”

  “We agreed it would be just us until this thing ended. So if you’re ending it—”

  “I’m not,” he said firmly, holding me to him tighter. “I can’t.”

  I gripped his hair harder and then planted my mouth on his again. We kissed until neither of us could breathe, and then I pulled my mouth away just enough so that both of us could catch our breath and pant against each other’s mouths.

  Suddenly, without warning, with a desire that was almost primitive, I needed him. I reached between us to fumble with his belt and his jeans. Just as I was able to get them open to free his cock, I felt his hand reach under my cotton dress. He found the thin string of my thong and yanked. I gasped when I heard a snap as the panties ripped, and then I was devouring his mouth again.

  I reached between us to grip his shaft and guide him to my entrance, but he grabbed my wrist.

  “Shit, hang on,” he panted. “My wallet.”

  I reached into the back pocket of his jeans that there still around his hips, pulled down just enough so that I could get to what I wanted—what I needed, what I craved.

  When he got the condom out of his wallet, I grabbed it from his hand just as he slipped two fingers inside me.

  “Jesus, Cat, you’re fucking dripping,” he said hoarsely. “You want this so bad.”

  He was right. I wanted it more than I wanted to breathe.

  I ripped open the condom packet and quickly slid the rubber over his thick shaft. I rose up on my knees, and both of us let out heavy sighs when he entered me. I maneuvered and shifted on his lap so I could take him all the way in. Our eyes locked on each other as our bodies froze, getting acquainted, embracing the other, stuck in a moment of heat and anger and longing and so many unspoken things between us.

  I moved my hands to the back of Brody’s neck as he moved his hands under my dress and up my thighs, along my hips, until he was gripping my waist tightly in his hands under the fabric. He stared up into my eyes as we remained frozen in the moment.

  And then I made one slow movement of my hips while I clenched my inner walls around his cock and everything changed.

  Brody’s hands moved down to grip my ass, pulling me against him roughly as I practically squealed, holding tightly onto his shoulders, eyes never leaving each other. We became more frantic, more desperate, each of us trying to convey something to the other that neither was ready to express in words. Something that neither of us could articulate, something chemical, something intense, something powerful.

  And it was so fucking debauched, both of us still practically fully clothed, except for my destroyed panties lying on the ground next to our joined bodies. Fully clothed because we couldn’t bother to undress, not when we needed each other this badly, not when we were trying to communicate without words, with nothing but our bodies. With nothing but our souls.

  “Catrina,” Brody choked against my neck as he buried his face there.

  There was an urgency in his voice that I felt zinging through my veins, igniting every nerve ending, making the desperation for him something unlike anything I had ever felt before. I wanted him, I needed him, I craved him, I loved him.

  And I knew that none o
f it could last.

  I wrapped my arms around Brody’s neck and pulled him to me, thrusting against him a few more times until I cried out loudly, tilting my head back, letting the climax wash over me as Brody groaned loudly underneath me, holding my ass so tightly that I thought I might have bruises tomorrow.

  When it was over, I collapsed against Brody, breathing heavily, trying to catch my breath, trying to hold onto this moment because I knew everything was going to come crashing down as soon as I pulled away. I knew that it had to because I had seen too much in his eyes just now, before, when we’d been joined together. I’d seen things that I didn’t want to see, couldn’t see, and I knew, then, that he would never be able to give me what I wanted.

  I deserved more.

  I moved off of Brody, ignoring the jolt of pleasure when he slipped out, and I didn’t look at him as I grabbed my ruined panties and my little purse that I’d left on the floor some feet away. I heard him moving and getting up behind me, still panting slightly.

  He came up to stand behind me, and I couldn’t bear to look at him. Not now. I could feel his eyes on me, but I couldn’t do it. Not after that. Not when I knew what was coming.

  “Catrina, where’re you—?”

  “I can’t do this anymore.”

  I said it quickly, pushing it out before I lost my nerve.

  “What are you talking about?”

  I turned to him finally, and he took a step toward me. I stepped back.

  “I can’t do this,” I said, raising my voice. “I’m… this…” I sighed heavily, angrily. “I’m not like you, Brody!” I finally shouted. I shook my head roughly, looking up at the gorgeous sky for a moment. “I can’t separate the feelings from the sex,” I said, my voice quieter this time when I looked back at him. “I just… I can’t.” I looked at him and saw that his brow was knitted tightly together. Whether it was in confusion, in anger, in annoyance, I didn’t know. So many things in his eyes that I couldn’t make sense of. That I’d never been able to make sense of.