‘My keys!’ said Oksana, fumbling around in her other pocket. ‘I must have dropped them somewhere inside the cemetery.’
Lily stared at her friend. Was this a ploy to get Valentin and Natasha to meet? No, Oksana’s face was flushed and she was unusually flustered. She really had lost her keys.
‘Wait here with Natasha,’ Lily said to her. ‘I’ll go back and find them.’
It’s fate, Lily told herself as she ran back into the cemetery. It’s Valentin and Natasha’s destiny to be reunited. I’ll find the keys and I’ll find him. Her eyes scanned the ground for the car keys but her mind was racing far ahead. I’ll tell him that Natasha is waiting for him outside the cemetery gates. Lily knew that true love was a force that couldn’t be destroyed. If she could have one more day with Adam, even if she knew she would lose him again, she’d take it. She would give everything she had to kiss Adam’s soft lips one more time.
But when she arrived at Natalya Azarova’s grave, Valentin was gone. She felt tears burn her eyes and bent over to catch her breath. She went back to the corner to look past the birches and nudged the slushy leaves with her shoe, searching for the keys. She saw something shiny and bent to pick it up, but it was only a bottle top.
‘Are these what you are looking for?’
Lily straightened and found herself facing Valentin, Oksana’s keys in his hand. Her heart thumped in her chest as she stared at him. His voice and appearance exuded formality and yet she felt a sense of intimacy towards him. He returned her gaze with a curious one of his own. It was as if he too recognised her from somewhere, but of course that was impossible. Perhaps it was the weight of power that hung between them. Lily could change the course of his life with just a few words.
She could feel the truth on her tongue, longing to be spoken. But what she’d been so sure about a few seconds ago now seemed more doubtful. Would her revelation change Valentin’s life for better or for worse? She didn’t know. She could make a decision like that for herself and accept the consequences, but was it right to foist her will on others? She remembered the bittersweet expression on Natasha’s face and her words: ‘I love you, my dear Valentin. We will meet again in heaven.’ She knew then that Natasha had chosen the best course, or at least the best that could have been chosen after all the cruel turns of fate. She had said her goodbyes, and so had Valentin at what he believed was Natasha’s funeral. The love Natasha and Valentin once shared was gone. It couldn’t be brought back to life, just as Adam couldn’t be brought back to life. Lily wouldn’t open old wounds.
‘Thank you,’ she said, taking the keys from him.
Their eyes locked for a few seconds more, then Lily turned and walked with unsteady legs towards the cemetery exit, tears pouring down her face.
A few nights later, Lily was at home, watching Tuz, who was now venturing out from the safety of his cage and exploring the apartment. She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Natasha and Valentin. They’d had the love of a lifetime and now it was over. Like Adam and me, she thought.
Sometimes, when she opened her email in the morning or pressed the button on her answering machine, she hoped that Luka might have contacted her after all. But he was true to his word. She realised it was for the best. ‘I’m done,’ she said to herself. ‘The possibility of love is over for me too.’
The telephone rang, startling her and sending Tuz darting back into his cage. She picked up the receiver. Her mother’s voice came on the line.
‘Hello, darling!’
‘Mum! Is everything all right?’ Lily asked. She glanced at the clock. It was the wee hours of the morning in Sydney.
Her mother only called when she had something important to share, otherwise she wrote letters. Telephoning Russia from Australia was expensive, but Lily suspected the real reason her mother preferred to write was that she was afraid the phone lines were still being tapped.
‘Yes, darling. I called to see how you are. We went out dancing at the club with Vitaly and Irina and I thought I’d call you before I went to bed.’
Lily was glad that her parents were still active, but she grimaced at the realisation that they had a better social life than she did.
‘Listen,’ her mother said. ‘Shirley came to see me today.’
The mention of Adam’s mother made Lily even sadder than she already was. ‘Yes?’
‘She wanted to know your address and if it was all right to write to you?’
Lily’s mother paused, waiting for her to respond. Of course it was all right for Shirley to write to her, but why did she want to do so now, Lily wondered. Shirley hadn’t wanted to see her after Adam’s funeral.
When Lily didn’t say anything, her mother continued. ‘She told me that she can’t forgive herself for what she said to you after Adam died. She knows how much it hurt you.’
Lily’s eyes filled with tears as she recalled Shirley’s words to her: ‘You’ll get on with your life, and in a year or two you’ll meet somebody else. But for our family, the grief will last forever.’ Those words had wounded her savagely. If Lily did anything that made her happy, she remembered them and felt guilty.
‘Lily?’
‘Yes, Mum, I’m listening.’ Tears were flowing down Lily’s cheeks. How had her mother known to call at this moment, when she needed her comfort most?
‘Lily …’ her mother paused. ‘What you and Adam had was special. You weren’t only an engaged couple; you were childhood friends and soulmates. You’ve suffered a terrible blow … but I want you to know that you can be happy without Adam, and one day you will be.’
Lily tossed and turned in her bed that night. Her mother’s words had unsettled her: … you can be happy without Adam, and one day you will be. She couldn’t see how that could be true. She didn’t want to stop feeling the pain, because that would be like forgetting Adam, and she could never do that.
After the visit to the cemetery, Natasha never spoke about her past again. It was as if in retelling it she had let it go. She seemed to live in the present: relishing her meals; admiring the sunrise and sunset from the hospital window; enjoying seeing Laika, Oksana and Lily when they came to visit.
Because of her animal responsibilities, Oksana couldn’t always stay long during the visits. When Natasha and Lily were alone, Lily would read to the old woman. She was no longer interested in Tolstoy; she wanted Lily to read Turgenev and Pushkin. One day after Lily had finished Eugene Onegin, Natasha reached out and touched her arm.
‘I used to wonder what it would be like to have a daughter and grandchildren,’ she said with a smile. ‘And now I know. Oksana is like my daughter and you are my golden grandchild.’
While Natasha was anything but a typical babushka, Lily too felt that she had found herself a grandmother again.
‘I love you,’ she told Natasha when she kissed her goodnight.
A beautiful expression came to Natasha’s eyes. It was as if the years faded away and a young woman looked back at her.
‘I love you too,’ she replied, squeezing Lily’s hand.
Lily now had eleven cats as well as Laika living in her apartment. Pushkin was too old to be adopted out, and while Mamochka no longer snarled and hissed unprovoked and allowed Lily to pick her up, she still ran away from strangers, so it would be some time before that cat could be found a home. The other occupants were Tuz and some juveniles. Now that Scott had volunteered to organise finding homes for the rescued cats, things had stepped up and Lily had had to speed the socialisation process of the cats. She left the television on when she went to work so they’d get used to human voices, and she taught them to enjoy being cuddled by starting with embraces on the floor and gradually progressing to cradling them to her chest. ‘Lily’s Finishing School for Cats’ she renamed her apartment.
She got up an hour earlier in the mornings to feed the animals, pet them and clean the litter boxes before going to work. In the evenings, she’d take Laika for a walk before visiting Natasha, and afterwards she’d come home and
play with the cats. Their transformation from vicious and frightened to affectionate and friendly made Lily wonder if miracles might truly be possible.
One evening when she returned from the hospital, she checked her mailbox and found a letter with her mother’s handwriting on the envelope. She wondered if it contained the letter Shirley had intended to send. She had forgiven Adam’s mother — grief confused people and made them say things they didn’t mean — but she was still fragile and didn’t want to be wounded again by an insensitive remark.
Lily sat down on the sofa with Pushkin on her lap and Laika near her feet, and steeled herself. She opened the envelope but the only correspondence it contained was from her mother.
My darling Lily,
Do you remember the key with the Parisian bow that I keep in my jewellery box, the one you found when you were a little girl? I told you that it belonged to my house in Harbin, but that wasn’t true. When I was very young, I was married to a man named Dmitri. The key came from our apartment in Shanghai. He was the manager of the most glamorous nightclub in the city, the Moscow-Shanghai, and I loved him with all my heart. He died trying to save somebody, and for many years I believed that I would never love anyone again. I refused your father’s first proposal for that reason. But marrying Ivan was the best decision I ever made. I have a wonderful life with a man I love deeply and a daughter I am so proud of. What I want you to know is that you don’t leave your first love behind when you meet someone else. You carry him with you always — in your heart. But it is possible to live in both worlds — with your past love and your new one — and still be true to both.
Lily read the letter again, unable to believe what it said. It had been enough of a shock to learn before she came to Russia that her father had been married before and that his wife and two young daughters had been brutally murdered. Were there any more family secrets?
She looked at the letter a third time and on this reading paid attention to the words: … you don’t leave your first love behind when you meet someone else. You carry him with you always — in your heart. But it is possible to live in both worlds — with your past love and your new one — and still be true to both.
She sat still for a long time, wondering if that could be true. Then she thought about Luka at the police station, when he’d rescued her and Oksana. She realised that she’d always known he wasn’t gay, she’d just tried to convince herself he was. She’d liked him the moment she’d met him, only she couldn’t admit that to herself without feeling guilty about Adam.
Two nights later, Lily and Oksana were back at the Zamoskvorechye building site trying to catch the last of the cats. Scott came along too these days, bringing camp chairs and thermos flasks of hot tea for everybody. Tonight was crucial: they’d learned that work on the building site would commence in December so they had to have all the cats out by then. But after several hours of sitting in the cold, they hadn’t seen any of the colony.
‘Have you ever used affirmations?’ Scott asked Oksana.
She raised her eyebrows. ‘No. Is that a type of cat treat?’
Lily shot Oksana a glance but she didn’t see it.
‘It’s a way of focusing your thoughts to get the outcome you want,’ Scott said, edging his chair closer to Oksana. ‘Perhaps our fear that we’re not going to trap these cats in time is keeping them away.’
Oksana frowned then nodded. ‘Yes, that could be so. Cats, especially stray ones, are sensitive to the slightest change in their environment. They pick up on everything, including our thoughts, I suspect.’
‘Exactly!’ said Scott. ‘Perhaps the three of us could think an affirmation together: Tonight we catch all of the cats easily and effortlessly.’
‘Excellent suggestion,’ said Oksana. ‘Let’s do that.’
Lily couldn’t believe what she was hearing, but if Oksana was willing to go along with Scott’s idea she didn’t want to be the one who resisted. So the three of them focused their thoughts on the affirmation.
‘What was that?’ asked Lily.
‘A trap went off,’ said Oksana. They peered through the darkness. ‘Yes, there’s a cat in it! Lily — quick, go cover it!’
Lily ran towards the trap with a blanket. As she reached it another trap closed. Scott rushed towards that one and covered it. They put the cats in Oksana’s jeep and set more traps.
‘What good fortune!’ said Oksana. ‘Are you willing to wait for the others?’
Lily and Scott nodded.
They’d never managed to trap more than three cats in a night, but this time they caught all of the remaining cats before midnight. They loaded up Oksana’s jeep with the covered traps. As there was no room left in Oksana’s car, Scott gave Lily a lift back to her apartment. When they pulled up outside, he stepped out of the car to open the door for her.
‘I love cats,’ he said. ‘I’ve made some inquiries and apparently there’s no problem taking a cat back to the States as long as it’s certified and checked. Do you think Tuz might be a good cat for me?’
‘Tuz is still a bit nervous,’ Lily explained. ‘I’m not sure how he’d be around your kids. I’ve got some cats in my apartment that are very settled and affectionate. Would you like to see them sometime?’
Scott glanced up at the building and she realised that he was keen to see them now. She invited him in, wondering what he’d think about the apartment’s funky décor.
Lily opened the door and turned on the light, catching Mamochka making her way from the litter box in the bathroom. She froze and stared at them like a deer caught in a car’s headlights.
‘What a beautiful cat!’ Scott said.
Lily was about to warn him not to touch Mamochka, but Scott had scooped the cat into his arms before she could speak. Lily’s adrenalin surged. She was sure their next stop would be the hospital emergency room after Mamochka had bitten off Scott’s thumb. But to her surprise Mamochka returned the adoring expression that Scott was bestowing on her. It was love at first sight.
‘Huh!’ Lily said, amazed. ‘I think Mamochka has chosen her new home!’
‘Can I take her now?’ Scott asked, playing with Mamochka’s paw.
Lily smiled. ‘It’s best that I bring her to you. That way she won’t feel I’ve abandoned her.’
‘When?’
He was like a child waiting for Santa Claus, Lily thought. ‘Sunday,’ she said. ‘I’ll bring her over to your place.’
After Scott left, Mamochka kept her eyes on the door as if hoping that he might reappear. Lily bent down and patted her. ‘What a lucky cat you are, Mamochka. You’re getting a second chance at life. You’ve found a good man who will adore you forever.’
As Lily changed for bed, she thought again about the letter her mother had written. Her parents had suffered tragedies but had found love again. Maybe second chances do come, she thought as she drifted off to sleep.
In the early hours of the morning, Lily received the call she’d been dreading. As the weather turned colder, Natasha had grown weaker, and there were more days when she couldn’t get out of bed. Doctor Pesenko told Lily and Oksana that while good nutrition and care had improved Natasha’s quality of life over the past few months, the X-rays showed her heart had worsened.
‘It’s time,’ the night matron from the hospital told Lily now. ‘You’d better come. The priest has already seen her.’
Lily knocked on Oksana’s door, then remembered that after bringing home the cats from the building site, her friend had gone out again to feed other colonies in the area. Lily slipped a note under her door and then caught a taxi to the hospital, taking Laika with her.
‘I’m afraid she’s reached the end now,’ the night matron told Lily. ‘But in many ways that’s a blessing. She was cheerful after your visit last night then began to fade after the shift change.’
Lily found Natasha dozing. Every so often her eyes would flicker open and then close again. Laika jumped up on the bed and lay her head on Natasha’s shoulder. At first Na
tasha recognised them: she gave Lily a calm smile and stroked Laika’s head. But gradually her lucidity diminished. It was as if her spirit was transcending her body and preparing to take flight. Lily had seen it before: she had stayed with Adam and her grandmother until their passing. There was no need for words at this stage; Natasha knew she and Laika were there.
Lily held Natasha’s hand in her own and stayed beside her until the sun peeped through the blinds and Polina appeared at her side. The matron checked Natasha’s vitals and squeezed Lily’s shoulder. ‘It won’t be long now. Her pulse and breathing are slowing. Is there anything you would like me to do?’
‘She’s not in pain, is she?’
‘No,’ Polina assured her. ‘We’ve made sure of that. She’s not struggling; she’s simply fading.’
‘If you could call Oksana, I’d appreciate that,’ Lily said. ‘She was out last night and I couldn’t tell her. I’m not sure if she saw my note.’
‘She called just now,’ Polina said, squeezing Lily’s shoulder again. ‘She’s on her way.’
Polina left and Lily continued her vigil. She thought about the day she’d first seen Natasha in Pushkin Square, and about the bombing. Then she remembered the moment in Novodevichy Cemetery when Natasha had refused to speak to Valentin. She could see clearly the wisdom in Natasha’s decision not to disturb him. Love lasted beyond the physical life; Natasha would always be with Valentin.
Suddenly the old woman’s chest rose high and sank quickly again. There was a sense of quiet in the room, even though there was a television playing down the hall and the sounds of breakfast being prepared in the kitchen. Lily leaned forward and realised that Natasha was no longer breathing.
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