"It's what he told you to do, Ash," I muttered to myself.
It didn't make me feel any better about it.
I turned on the shower after I heard Lucas leave and let it warm up, stripping out of my running clothes that I had been sitting in for far too long. My skin felt clammy, my face was swollen from all the crying, and my chest hurt from the misery I felt.
What would my brothers say?
They were going to be furious. They were going to come here the second I told them what had happened and I needed them to. I needed my brothers to be here to mourn with me. They were all I had left of my dad and I was all they had.
I had been staring at myself in the mirror as it started to fog up from the steam swirling through the bathroom. Lucas was right. I had to get myself together. I couldn't be a burden to him while he was looking for my father's killer and trying to stop Frank Banetti from bringing anymore drugs through our port.
I had looked at some of the files in the last two weeks, I couldn't be kept in the dark. I had needed to know who I was hiding from and what they were capable of if they tried to use me.
Guess I didn't need to worry about that anymore, though. They didn't have any leverage over my father anymore since they killed him. They couldn't use me. It would be pointless. I had to find a way to help, but Lucas felt like he needed to keep me hidden, like there was still a chance that I was in danger.
Why? I had no idea.
I shook my head and climbed into the shower, letting the hot water pound on my back. I washed my hair and scrubbed my body, trying to erase the worst night of my life. When I was finished, I couldn't force myself out of the shower. The hot water was releasing all the tension in my muscles and I didn't want to get out and feel everything all over again. I was safer in there.
I stood under the stream of water for I don't know how long, but all too soon, the water started to cool and my fingers and toes were wrinkled. I looked down at my hands and thought I saw the blood on them all over again, felt the cold metal of the shotgun as I clutched it to my chest while listening to the men who killed my father… hiding.
I couldn't take it anymore. I thought I had let it out, but I hadn't. I was pissed, devastated, confused. I had no clue how to focus on one emotion and get rid of it. My head buzzed and my lips numbed as I started to hyperventilate.
I sunk to the tile floor and hugged my legs to my chest, closing my eyes to concentrate on my breathing and leaning back against the wall. My body trembled uncontrollably and the water turned cold, the feel of it sending ice through my veins.
Then it stopped.
The water wasn't washing over me anymore, but I still couldn't leave the confines of the shower. Out there was the death of my father, a killer who was hiding on the inside of my father's most trusted circle, a drug lord who was making Lucas' life hell.
Then there were arms wrapping around me. Arms that I felt safe in, that chased away the chill from the cold water.
"Aislinn," a deep voice murmured in my ear.
Lucas.
The one man I had to trust with my life when he had broken my heart so long ago. But I could trust him. He was always honest with me, even if what he had to say might hurt me.
He rubbed my back and arms, now covered in goose bumps from the icy water. "Baby, you're freezing. Let's get you dry."
"No," I choked out. "No, it's safe in here. It's better in here. I don't have anything left out there."
His arms tightened around me and a hand swept my hair out of my eyes and combed through the wet strands, then rested on the back of my head, holding me against his warm chest. His shirt was soaked and his gray sweat pants were darkened from sitting on the wet tile floor.
I know what I had just said and I was aware that I still had my brothers, but they had their own lives. Away from here. I didn't have one anymore.
I was pretty much alone now, but Lucas' being near me took away some of the trembling.
"You have me, Ash. You'll always have me, I promise you that."
Yeah, until this case is over and done with and there is no need to be my bodyguard anymore, I thought.
"You're wrong."
Oh shit, did I say that out loud?
"Yes, you did," he said and I could hear the smile in his voice
"God, I'm a nut job."
He chuckled and then stretched his arm to the towel bar, yanked one down and wrapped it around me. "You're not a nut job. Just having a bad week."
He stood and lifted me into his arms, keeping the towel wrapped around me and his eyes forward. The pain in my chest subsided and I realized the safest place for me was exactly where I was at.
Then I finally comprehended how naked I was and gasped.
"Don't. Don't say anything," he said huskily. "It's not a big deal."
But it was to me. And at a time like this? It shouldn't be, but it was, and Dad would have had a conniption. How did he do that? Make all the bad go away and force me to think of something ludicrous?
First guy to see me naked seems like a pretty big deal, even under the circumstances, I thought.
He stumbled and almost dropped me, but thankfully the bed was right there and he set me down carefully. "The first?" he asked incredulously.
Damn, I really needed to work on not saying my thoughts out loud.
"How is that possible, Ash?"
I couldn't look him in the eye. Now wasn't the time to discuss this even though I had just revealed the fact that I was a 28 year old virgin after keeping it hidden for so long, but he had a way of distracting me. I had been hiding my whole life in one way or another. Guess things would never change.
Thankfully, the phone rang in the next second and saved me from saying anything else that was completely unnecessary. He stared at me for a moment before he grabbed the cordless handset off of his nightstand and turned to leave the room without looking back. He cleared his throat before he spoke. "Your clothes are on the bed. Come to the kitchen when you are ready and I'll make you something to eat. Then we'll call your brothers."
He shut the door behind him and I heard him answer the phone, abruptly saying, "Shade," before his footsteps faded.
"Ash, you idiot," I groaned.
I was going to be living with Lucas until he figured out what to do with me, I didn't need to be revealing anything about myself that might put us into an awkward situation. It was already awkward enough and I had too many other things to worry about besides Lucas Shade.
Dad was gone and I hadn't the faintest clue how to deal with that.
***
As I expected, my brothers were both on the next flight out to come to Oakland and they were both extremely pissed off, and not just about Dad.
Each had yelled at me for ten minutes for even going into the house to find him. When I told them I had the shotgun with me, they yelled even more. They didn't like the idea of me taking care of myself or taking any kind of initiative at all.
"What if there had been a whole bunch of them, Ash? You think you would have been able to take them all out with that shotgun? You should have gone straight to Lucas. What the fuck, Ash? Did you not retain anything we have taught you?"
It was at that point that I started bawling all over again and it was the last straw. I already felt guilty enough for not being able to help Dad. I didn't need them telling me everything else I had done wrong.
Not surprisingly, the next words to each of them were, "Fuck you," before Lucas took the phone from me and did some damage control.
Well, I wouldn't call it damage control as much as cussing them both out.
"Save it for when you get here, asshat, so I can be close enough to put my fist to your nose for talking to your sister like that."
I guess it was kind of odd that each conversation was almost identical, but my brothers were so alike when it came to me. They loved me and they cared what happened to me. A lot of people don't get to say that about their siblings.
Both times, after Lucas calmed them down
, he handed the phone back to me and told me to tell them I loved them and I didn't hesitate to do it. Dad made sure I knew how much he loved me before he was gone, I couldn't let my brothers go without doing the same in case something happened before they got to me.
Is that how I would have to live the rest of my life? Wondering if the next time I saw them would be the last? I dreaded that kind of life and the fear that came with it.
I was eating the oatmeal and fruit Lucas had dished out for me and feeling completely worthless. My brothers were going to come here and do whatever they could to help with the investigation and what was I going to do? Hide.
"They didn't mean it, Ash. They are just upset."
I looked up to find Lucas leaning back against the counter across the kitchen with his arms folded over his broad chest and his shoulders stretching his t-shirt so perfectly. I was wearing a pair of black sweats that had been cut into shorts and a bright blue tank top that was probably a little too small for me and I felt like a mouse compared to this lion. Why did he always look so damn good? It was like God was dangling the thing I most desired in my face and saying, "Too bad you can't have it."
I shook my head and remembered that he had said something.
"I know. I'm not thinking about that."
"Then what are you thinking about?"
I sighed and pushed the bowl of fruit away, losing my appetite and wishing that I could turn back the last couple of days, maybe even the last couple of months.
"I feel so completely helpless," I whispered.
I missed Dad. He would have told me I was never helpless, that I could get through anything because I was strong, because I'm a Brannock. Because I never let anyone or anything stop me from fighting for what I wanted.
He had been wrong about that, though. I let everyone stop me from fighting for what I wanted. I let myself be locked away watching my life pass me by and wishing that I could do something about it. Never even trying.
"You're never helpless, Ash."
Of course he would say the exact same thing my dad would. He was just as good of a guy. He was a hero, too.
"I'm sorry, I'm just still trying to process everything. Dad's gone. What am I supposed to do now? Oh wait, I'm supposed to stay locked up and hiding just like the last 28 years of my life, right?"
He looked down at the floor and his shoulders slumped.
Bingo!
"I want to help, Lucas."
He shook his head firmly, "No. It's too dangerous."
"What about it is more dangerous? Everyone knowing I'm here with you protecting me or no one knowing and getting into trouble anyway? You can't protect me every second of the day, but I can help without anyone knowing I'm helping."
"How do you think you are going to do that?"
I shrugged my shoulders, but begged him with my eyes, hoping that he would have an idea.
He sighed and stepped toward me, "It's not like you can just look up the answer on the internet or make a few phone calls. The minute they know you are here, they'll use it."
"Why? They already killed Daddy. He was the only one they would have had leverage over. Now we have the upper hand. I'm useless to them. Right?"
He shook his head and his bright blue eyes dimmed with… something.
"Right, Lucas?"
He took another step toward me until he was only a few feet away, then stopped, looking away and shaking his head again, like he was battling something inside his own head.
"I'll take that as a 'maybe'. So you try to come up with an idea for how I can help until you can come up with a good enough reason for why I can't." I stood from my chair and headed for the kitchen door. His hand on my wrist stopped me. Damn, he's fast.
I swung around and ended up pressed against his chest and didn't realize we were moving until I was pinned against the wall. His hands pressed against the wall on either side of my head and caged me in.
"You don't understand, Aislinn," he grumbled, his breath fanning my face and sending all kinds of tremors throughout my body. I ignored them. I wasn't going to back down from this. Not this time, no matter how weak I felt.
"Then explain it to me."
"If they saw you… with me… if… if they…" He was having a hard time getting his words out and couldn't look me in the eye.
Lucas never had a hard time with words. He was always so sure of himself, so sure of everything around him. I couldn't help but stare in amazement. The mighty Lucas was stuttering and I was the only one on earth that had ever witnessed it.
He took a deep breath and finally met my eyes, sky blue against stormy gray. My heart beat faster when he didn't look away from me, then his eyes roamed over my face slowly before stopping on my mouth.
Oh God, was he going to kiss me? Should I be hoping for it as much as I was after everything that had happened over the last twenty-four hours?
My lips parted, accommodating my accelerated breaths and his eyes darkened, a low rumble sounded in his chest.
"I can't let anything happen to you," he said roughly.
"I know you won't."
"If they see you… if they see me with you, they'll know."
My heart was frantically pounding against my ribs, trying to escape the clutches of my body and I was sure he could hear it. He moved closer to me, his hard chest pinning me to the wall and his hips brushing ever so slightly against mine.
"Know what, Lucas?" I breathed.
His eyes met mine again, almost reluctantly tearing away from my mouth, and I saw it then. I saw what he was trying to tell me, what I had been hoping for my whole life. What had finally come at a time when I wasn't prepared to deal with it, but I still needed, no, wanted to hear him say it.
"How much you mean to me. How I would do anything to protect you even if that meant giving up Banetti. I would do it. For you."
My breathing stopped, catching in my throat before it could even get close to my burning lungs. "But-"
"But nothing. The threat to your father wasn't just a 'drop the case or we'll kill you' kind of threat. It was personal. 'Who do you love most?', it said. These men will do anything to get the upper hand."
"But-"
"They probably already know. Everyone knew how close I was to Liam and your brothers, why wouldn't they assume I was close to you?"
"Lucas…"
"If they even catch a glimpse of you with me, they'll see it."
"See what?"
"That I can't take my eyes off of you even for a second. I barely could before, and now? You show up here after taking your life in your own hands for seven years, confident and determined, and you have never been as fucking gorgeous as you are right now."
I couldn't breathe, couldn't think and the only thing that stood out from what he said was 'before'.
"Before? What are you saying?"
He bent his head closer to me, taking the few breaths away that I had managed to dig up, and as his lips brushed over mine just barely, my legs gave out.
He caught me around the waist and held me against him, breathing just as hard as I was.
"I'm saying… that I've been in love with you for years and I'm tired of holding it back."
The words.
Words I had wanted to hear for so damn long. Words that I never thought would come out of his beautiful mouth. And now they had.
And I was ridiculously furious.
All that time… lost and wasted.
"Why?" was all I could push out. My voice was unsteady from the anger pulsing through me and I could feel my cheeks heat from the violent rush of blood.
I knew it was irrational and I knew if I was smart, I would take this opportunity and run with it. But my father had just died, I had spent the last seven years pushing every potential prospect away because of him, and I just wanted to be the one that walked away for once in my life.
"Why?" he repeated.
"Why now?" I bit out, finding the courage I needed. "Why not then when I needed it? Why make me feel like I was
grasping at air then laugh at me when I finally caught hold of something in myself? How dare you?"
His face fell and I almost lost my resolve.
"I was an asshole and scared," he pleaded. "I told myself it was because of your brothers, but it was just something I never thought I deserved to feel."
"And I deserved to be laughed at?"
He shook his head and his eyes implored with me to understand, but I sickeningly didn't want to. I wanted to slap him for not telling me sooner, for putting me through the most mortifying night of my life.
"No," he stated, "you didn't deserve any of it. I just didn't want to be the one to hurt you."
I moved my hands to his chest, almost moaning at the feel of him beneath my fingers, and I pushed him away from me slowly.
"Well, you did hurt me."
"I know," he choked out. "I planned on making it right. I went to the airport to talk to you, but when I saw how happy you were to be leaving, I couldn't risk-"
"Wait," I said, pressing harder so I could get some distance. I wasn't expecting that. "You came to the airport?"
He nodded and loosened his hold around my waist while dropping his other hand to his side. He stepped back and raked his fingers through his dark hair, tugging at it and staring down at the kitchen floor like it was the most interesting thing in the world. The loss of his hold on me was predictably unpleasant, even though I was holding on to my resentment.
"I wasn't happy that day, Lucas."
His head snapped up, his brow furrowed with confusion.
"You were smiling like I had never seen you smile before," he stated.
I nodded because he was right. It was a glorious smile and I had practiced that God damned phony smile for the two days it took to finally leave. I didn't want my dad to think I was being impulsive. I wanted to be happy that day and show him that it was what I really wanted. But I knew I wouldn't be, because what I really wanted was the man standing in front of me right now who looked like I had just punched him in the stomach.
"Yes, I was smiling. It was all a show for Dad. He knew how I felt about you and I had told him that leaving is what I needed." Like I said before, when it came to Lucas, I couldn't hold back the truth when he asked for it, even when I was trying to prove a point.
Leverage (The Brannock Siblings) Page 7