When the lecture ended, my dad and I continued our thought-conversation, though our thoughts and the lecture had been intertwined. It was impossible to hide one’s thoughts to those who were attuned to them and the lecture simply interspersed our thoughts, as it did for all the spirits gathered.
So it’s normal to feel weakened?
Yes, right now it is, J.J. You’re still learning how to protect yourself from the negative brain waves humans express during times of heightened emotion. When you used the white light, it not only protected Maya from herself, it protected you from her as well.
That makes sense. I did feel a little better with the white light. So now what? How do I help her?
I think you have the answer to that already, but you are unwilling to consider it, since it goes against your human sense of pride.
What are you trying to tell me?
That you’re getting in your own way J.J. It’s time for you to remember where you came from.
I know where I came from. I came from you and Mom.
That’s not what I mean. It’s time for you to have a look and remind yourself of the plotting process.
You’re not making any sense, Dad.
Earlier, you viewed the tablet that allowed you to recapture your meeting with Maya in Pompeii. That was me reminding you that you and the people in your life plotted your lives together before ever being born into your lives on Earth. The tablets allow you to view or recapture moments in your human life so you can decide if people, locations, and actions are in keeping with what it is you hope to achieve in your lifetime. You can recapture these moments any time you wish. Sometimes they give you perspective on events that happened in your lifetime and why they may have happened in the way that they did.
The circular room I transported to looked as if the walls were made of ice, not unlike what I imagined the inside of an igloo to look like. Light of varying colors throbbed behind the walls, giving the impression of an Aurora Borealis or a rave-club sky. I gathered with a tightly knit group of four other orbs of light, each hovering over what appeared to be a pane of glass, though I couldn’t tell if it was glass or simply a hole in the atmosphere. When I looked into the hole, I watched a young Maya bounding up a set of steps, two at a time, chased by a teenaged Marcus. She flew onto a bed, and he followed her, landing beside her and rolling on top of her as they kissed. Two of the orbs, which I now realized were the spirits of Maya and Marcus, emitted auras of pink light which I felt as love, pure and innocent. The scene blackened for a moment before lighting up again.
The next scene showed Marcus facing Maya, who stood with her back against a stone wall, crying.
“I’m sorry, Maya. It didn’t mean anything. You have to know I love you.”
“Love? What do you know about love? Apparently you prefer blondes.”
“I said I was sorry. Christ. What the hell do you expect me to do?”
“Go home, Marc, or go to Texas with your new ‘friend’. I don’t care.”
“I followed you all the way to fucking Italy for God’s sake.”
“Right. So you could screw Italian whores. I didn’t ask you to come, Marcus.”
Marc opened his mouth as if to speak but then his face turned red and he clenched his jaw shut. “You didn’t want me to come?” Maya looked down at the ground. Marcus looked incredulous. “And you wonder why I fooled around?”
“Oh, so that makes it all OK?”
“No, of course not, but...”
“Go home, Marcus.”
“I thought you wanted me to be with you.”
“I did, but not at the cost of my sanity. Or dignity. We don’t have the same interests. I want to be a serious painter. I’m here to become that. You are just here to have fun and screw around. I think we have different values.”
“What the fuck does that mean, different values?”
“I want to be in a monogamous relationship.”
“C’mon, Maya, it didn’t mean anything. I was drunk, and she put the pressure on.”
“And you couldn’t say no?” Maya asked.
“I made a mistake. It won’t happen again, I promise. I love you, Maya.” Marcus tried to pull her into his arms, but she pulled away. “You’re what matters to me, honestly. I’m never going to see that girl again.”
“I don’t care what you do.”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“Too late.” Maya began to walk away, but Marcus, grabbed her elbow.
“I want to stay here with you, Maya. I love you.”
“We’ve grown apart, Marcus,” Maya said, pulling her arm out of his grip. “You don’t like my friends. You aren’t interested in talking about art. You sit around my apartment all day. You go to clubs all night to pick up little Italian tartlets or Texan cowgirls, apparently. You’re not a kid anymore, Marcus. Grow up.”
“It only happened the one time with one girl!”
“I can’t trust you anymore.”
“Do you want me to get a job? I’ll get a goddamned job if that’s what’ll make you happy.” Marcus’ jaw clenched.
“And that’s exactly the problem. You do things you think I want, but they aren’t what you want. Not deep down. You do them to make me feel like I mean something to you, and then you wind up resenting me for it, so you screw around on me. I want a man who doesn’t need me to make him happy, one who treats me with respect, one who knows what the hell it is he wants from life.”
“That’s not fair, Maya.”
“Go home, Marc.” Maya turned away from him and walked down the darkened street, tears rolling down her face.
Marcus stood there looking stricken. “I’m going to get you back, Maya, if it’s the last thing I do. I will always love you.” Marcus whispered the words, so Maya didn’t hear him.
I felt emotions of insecurity, helplessness, immaturity, and fear emitted from the spirit-souls of Marcus and Maya. I sensed that the third white orb hovering nearby was Calder.
It feels so painful. It’s overwhelming, the Marcus-spirit communicated. Is this what it feels like to be human? A blanketed source of light seemed to be guiding our group through this process.
Yes. You will feel that human pain for just a moment in this realm, but as a human, it will feel much more acutely and it will last for a long duration. From that tiny moment of human pain, you must decide if you are willing to become this human. Becoming human is a choice. One that you need to make carefully. But you must understand that it is human pain that allows our spirit-souls to progress. It is the human suffering and our reaction to that suffering that become our lessons in the earth realm. Spiritual learning is something you will forget as a human. You may become victimized by your human suffering, or strengthened by it. That is your choice. Your spirit guides will be there to help you, of course. But you have to be willing to listen to their advice.
Why does any spirit-soul make the decision to become human with all that suffering? Marcus’s spirit-soul asked.
It won’t all be pain. Your human life will contain much joy as well, but again, you have to make the choice to notice it. Are you willing to continue?
I couldn’t tell where this voice came from or whom it belonged to. I sensed it was some kind of spirit guide. The voice was soothing, possibly female, with a slight accent.
Yes. I can see how my separation from Maya might ultimately help me to understand more about myself. To become more capable of loving her.
Maya? Are you in agreement? the spirit guide asked.
I feel devastated and lost. And yet stronger for having spoken my truth. Yes. I can see how such an experience would strengthen my human-soul.
Shall we continue? The pane of glass lit up again.
This time the scene opened into a large wood-paneled room with slightly dilapidated leather wingback chairs atop blood r
ed carpets setting off a large, jade colored tiled fireplace, with a warm fire crackling at its center. I recognized it as the lobby bar of the Sorrento Hotel in Seattle. A man sat in one of the wingbacks, visible only by gray flannel clad legs and expensive black leather shoes. The head-height wing of the chair obscured the rest of his body. Across the lobby, a hooded woman entered the hotel and smiled at the doorman who held the door for her. She stepped inside and pulled off her hood, auburn curls escaping their confinement. She looked around nervously and stepped up a few stairs into the lobby. She saw the outstretched legs, approached and whispered, “Marcus?” Marc poked his head around the wing of the chair and, seeing her, his face lit up. He stood up and faced her, smiling. His powdery blue shirt was unbuttoned and rolled at the sleeves. The stubbled creases down his cheeks gave him a rugged, masculine look on what would have otherwise been a boyish face. For a few moments neither said a word until Marcus pulled Maya into a hug she wasn’t prepared for.
“It’s good to see you, Maya.”
She patted Marcus’s back absentmindedly as she might a stranger’s, before allowing herself to remember who she was with and relax. She sighed. Then she seemed to remember herself and stood back.
“It’s good to see you too, Marcus. It’s been a long time.”
“It has. Do you want to sit here by the fire or take another seat closer to the bar?”
Maya looked toward the bar. A couple perched together on stools, leaning in close and laughing. A few more people sat at tables nearby. “This is kind of in the open,” she said. “Maybe over by the bar would be more... private.” Marcus gestured for Maya to proceed and followed her to a table in the corner of the room. A waiter appeared. Maya ordered a Shiraz and Marcus ordered a ginger ale for himself before he leaned back into his chair, assessing her.
“You look really good, Maya.”
“I look like a drowned rat. This rain. It’s impossible to keep my hair from having its way.”
“You look ravishing,” he said. Maya blushed.
“Thank you,” she said looking down into her lap.
“I’m glad you found me on Facebook,” Marcus said.
“I don’t know what made me do it. I’m still married. It probably wasn’t appropriate.”
“Perfectly appropriate to me. I was surprised to discover that you lived in Seattle now. So close.” Maya nodded her agreement and took a sip of wine. She was already halfway through her glass.
“Is Jay well?” Marcus asked.
“Yes. Busy.” Maya paused. “What are you doing now? I’ve heard through my mom that you own a restaurant in Vancouver?”
“I’m a part owner. It’s a happening place. Chaos on weekends. It’s sort of Argentinian tapas. I came to check out some bars here in Seattle to get new ideas. My partners and I are thinking of opening a restaurant or bar in Seattle.” Maya’s eyes widened slightly. “Plus, there are some restaurant supply stores here that are cheaper than in Canada. I come down every few months or so to stock up.”
“Sounds like you will be in Seattle more often then,” Maya said into her nearly empty wine glass. Marcus waved the waiter over and ordered another round. When the drinks arrived, they sat in silence, each deep in thought.
“Yes. It’s looking that way. So what made you contact me again, Maya? After all these years?” Marc asked. Maya looked away.
“I don’t know,” she whispered, still not meeting his eyes. “Are you unhappy?” Marcus asked.
Maya looked panicked. “I shouldn’t be here. I should go,” Maya said, finally turning to look at him. Her eyes glistened with tears. Marcus leaned across the table and took her hand in his. Maya blinked, a look of surprise, fear and anticipation captured in her expression. Abruptly, she stood up and began to put on her coat. “I have to go.”
Marc dug into his pocket for his wallet, pulled out a fifty as he stood up and left it on the table. They stood looking at each other. Maya made no move to leave, despite having her coat on and her purse slung over her shoulder. Marcus said nothing as he took her hand and led her to the elevator.
The image disappeared. I sensed Maya's reluctance, her desire, and our combined regret and shame. I felt Marc’s disbelief, adoration, love. These emotions swept across my soul-spirit in an instant and then were gone. I felt weakened, understanding for the first time the ongoing resonance of my neglect of Maya in life, my inability to love her the way she needed to be loved. In recent years I had stopped really seeing Maya. I wished I had loved her more, but I was so focused on that one goal – being materialistically successful. I thought success would bring us happiness. Bring me happiness. I missed a lot of opportunities to wake up and see other people. Really see them. To have empathy for them.
Despite his behavior in Italy and his apparent disregard for Maya at that time, these were qualities that Marcus possessed, emotions I had never sensed from him when we were kids, possibly because I found them threatening. Marcus’s passion had always unnerved me – his love of beauty, his expensive clothes, his ability to not care what others thought of him, his love for Maya. I never realized that perhaps Marcus had gone to Italy because he loved Maya so passionately as to follow her there. I never knew of his devastation when Maya asked him to leave, but sensed it now.
“Why does Maya marry me?”
Because I love you. Maya’s thought was clear and immediate.
Calder, who until now had been hovering away from the viewing panel, not participating, came closer.
I chose you to be my father. I need to learn from you, and you specifically, to understand what drove you to work as hard as you did, to experience the effect of losing a father at a young age so that I can forge ahead and become who I am through your loss.
All I have to offer you as my son is my loss?
It is what you teach to your son after your death that becomes crucial to his life later on. Through you, he learns to take more risks. He learns to help others. Life is about being in tune, compassionate, being “other-focused” rather than self-focused. In death you are learning to have great compassion and will come to understand some of the things you did in human form. In death, you teach your son that we cannot be perfect, but we can be better – better to ourselves and to others. Life on earth moves faster and faster with advances in technology. So many people are denying their souls, not understanding the preciousness of their lives. Children are becoming aware of this and are doing amazing things to overcome the hatred in the world. They will become the teachers to the adults who have forgotten their soul-spirits. We are all pieces of the Divine or God or whatever humans want to call it, but until humans treat each other as such, feel that Divine in their very own DNA, they will not survive. Humans are made to not forget they are bound to their souls. They are reminded constantly. Calder will learn to be aware, will teach others that whatever the heart experiences, the soul experiences as well.
At that moment, I saw a human form, a woman dressed in a long, purple dress. I sensed that she was Maya's spirit guide. I wanted to know her name.
My name is Penelope. And yes, Jay, I am here as Maya's guide. I will be with her throughout her lifetime, throughout her many lifetimes. I think you have questions.
Yes. I guess I do. What was I supposed to learn from all that? I asked her.
Your inter-connections, of course.
And my father said something about my sense of pride holding me back from being able to help Maya.
Yes.
You’re going to make me figure this out for myself, aren’t you?
Penelope was silent.
OK, so my interconnections with Maya and Marcus and Calder are meant to help me help Maya?
Yes.
I wanted this riddle solved. So how is Marcus going to help me become free from Maya?
Penelope just smiled at me, watching as the obvious dawned upon me. I hadn’t wanted to see it,
but had known since my death that the reunion between Maya and Marcus was inevitable.
And you will be a part of that inevitability, Penelope’s thought interrupted mine.
Me? Why?
Because it’s part of your evolution.
I have to set my wife up with an old rival because it’s part of my evolution? That’s insane.
The problem is neither of them are ready, Marcus especially.
Why? I asked.
Jay, as you are learning the hard way, what matters in this plane is who you were on Earth. What you did – your goodness, mercy, compassion, love, joy. These states of being are all choices we make, choices about who we want to be in the world. Our earthly selves don’t understand the consequences of our choices in the spiritual realm. When you cheer someone up, for instance, there is a deep spirit-level purpose that you often don’t recognize when you’re in human form. That is why the core of your spirit is so important, so powerful. Most humans don’t realize how much of this spirit resides within them, but that’s why it’s so important for humans to share themselves with others, in whatever way possible. It is the community of humans that teaches their soul-spirits and allows them to truly evolve as spirits. We cannot attain that knowledge in any other way.
So you’re saying Marcus and Maya have ignored their spirit selves?
In a way, yes. Maya's condition is a temporary one, brought on by grief. Marcus’s is also brought on by loss – your father’s death and the loss of Maya – that he used to hide with alcohol, but now hides through his sexuality and workaholism.
So he’s depressed? That seems like a human condition that’s not a person’s fault. It’s a chemical dysfunction, is it not?
Yes it is and certainly being sad and depressed makes your soul darker in vibration. But even in the midst of altered brain chemistry you have a choice. It’s the striving to escape that darkness that counts. Life on Earth has nothing to do with providing for your family with money or possessions. It has to do with learning to provide for your soul-spirit. If you can’t do that, you have nothing.
Remember The Moon Page 22