by Lane Hayes
“What’s up? You look bothered,” Alex observed lifting his glass to his lips.
“It’s nothing.”
“Uh-oh. Something at work or…. Don’t tell me one of the kids was mean to you, honey,” he teased with a wink.
I gave him the dirty look he deserved before attempting to explain. “It sounds stupid but, I had this run-in with Eli today.”
“Oh?”
I briefly filled him in as we ate with our feet entwined under the table. “I can’t help but admire the kid. He’s a punk, but he’s brave. God, I was twenty-one when I tried to come out, and I was a disast—”
I stopped, realizing I’d said much more than I intended. Alex waited patiently for me to continue. His eyes were kind and reassuring.
“What happened when you tried to come out, Nate?”
My head felt light, as though it didn’t belong on my body. However, the sudden pounding in my heart threatened to make its way to my skull if I didn’t do something quick. Like leave. I wasn’t a fucking adolescent, though, I chided myself. Those kids at the center had it much harder than I ever did. The least I could do was share my pathetic story. I tried a small smile that no doubt fell short of the mark, but I couldn’t formulate the words.
“You might feel better if you talk about it.”
“Yeah, right,” I scoffed, unable now to meet Alex’s curious stare.
When it became clear I wasn’t going to, he stood and left the table. I sat for a moment, feeling very torn and confused. I should talk to him. Tell him what happened. It was old news, an old wound. Not a big deal. However, the all over instant sweat warned me nothing was that easy. I picked up the dirty plates and ran water over them, listening carefully to his movement in the next room. He turned off the jazz, and a weighted silence ensued. It was just as well, I thought. It was time to retreat. I rinsed my hands and froze as the jarring silence was filled with the poignantly ethereal notes of a Beethoven sonata played on a piano.
I stood still and let those first haunting notes float hypnotically in the air, embracing me like an old lover. I waited for the familiar melancholy to take over and threaten to drown me as the dreamy chords of Moonlight Sonata drifted from the far end of the great room. When it didn’t come, I moved toward the source of the music as though I walked in a trance.
I stopped a few feet from where Alex sat with his back to me at his mother’s black baby grand piano. His head was bent in concentration as his nimble fingers flew over the keys. He didn’t look at me, but when I came closer, his mouth quirked slightly as he played on. He was flawless. I wanted to admire his dexterity and technique, the way he leaned into the instrument deepening the notes and layering the simple sweet chords to create a beautiful textured sound. But I was confused. He’d obviously chosen this music with purpose, but I couldn’t guess at his motive.
“Do you play?” he asked softly.
“A little.”
“Come sit.”
I obeyed wordlessly, sitting on his right.
“Go on, tell me why Beethoven bothers you. It’s love and hate, isn’t it? Maybe you don’t hate it so much as you’re bothered by it.”
Oh. Fuck. “Why do you think that?”
“I can tell. I pay attention. It reminds you of your first love. Or maybe it reminds you of a time when you were someone more like Eli than the man you are today. Am I right?”
I flinched as though blinded by an unexpected revealing beam of light. I felt exposed and uncovered without warning. But the panicky nausea that usually accompanied the memories was noticeably absent. My initial unease at hearing those first few notes of Moonlight Sonata was long gone. Swept away. I felt calm and unfettered as I gazed at Alex’s handsome profile while thinking how best to answer him.
His hands spread impossibly farther over the keys, striking them forcefully, then gentling his touch in a soothing manner reminiscent of a caress. I gave him a sideways glance as I adjusted my glasses.
“This piece reminds me of loss. Guilt, sorrow. Every once in a while I can listen to it and remember a time before the accident.”
“Talk to me, Nate. Play with me. Can you?”
I considered him for a moment and nodded. I poised my right hand over the high register keys and waited for his signal to join. When he nodded, I played the basic melodic notes while he focused on the deeper registers.
“This piece reminds me of Scott. He was a music major. There were certain sonatas or adagios he’d play over and over again. He was working on this the night I….”
My breath caught, but I played on. The air was ripe with the haunting lilt I always associated with Moonlight Sonata. I felt like a time traveler moving between myself at age twenty-one to now. I could sense my innocence as though it were still mine. It wasn’t.
“What happened?”
“Alex….”
“¿Qué pasó? Dime.” What happened? Tell me.
His gentle query made softly in Spanish made a difference for reasons I didn’t know. Maybe the language worked like the music to create a state of separation where the moment was veiled. Almost magical.
When I answered I did so in Spanish.
“I told him I couldn’t be who he wanted. What he wanted. I told him it was over. I left and never looked back. I broke… everything.”
“Why did you do it?”
“My parents told me to.” I answered in English and shrugged as I closed my eyes. I let the music soothe me as it moved around us like a physical thing.
“I told them about us.” I paused, expecting to feel a pang of sorrow. I didn’t, and for some reason it gave me the push I needed to speak. “It’s a strange memory. My mom made a comment about me seeming so happy. She said she had a feeling I’d met someone special. I had. Scott was beautiful, talented, smart. I was head over heels for the guy. So much so I was able to forget I shouldn’t feel the way I did about another man. I began thinking happiness was all that mattered. And when my mom smiled so kindly and told me she wanted to meet my ‘special someone,’ I naively thought it might be okay.
“My parents were extremely conservative. Ryan was the rebel in our family. He partied, got bad grades, and generally didn’t listen to a word they said. Me? I was the golden child. Ryan’s the complete and total opposite. I loved my brother. I liked the fact we’re nothing alike, but I hated the way our parents constantly compared us. Even if I was the one who came out on top, there was something unfair about their version of right and wrong. It was black or white. No such thing as gray in their minds. Ryan was the black sheep. He drank too much, smoked too much, and didn’t value education. I was a straight A student at Stanford fucking University. I valued my lofty place in my parents’ esteem. What twenty-one year-old doesn’t like hearing how amazing they are?”
A sharp pang of guilt stabbed me. My right hand faltered on the white keys, but it didn’t matter. Alex played expertly without my help. He glanced at me and inclined his head, silently telling me to keep going. With my story or my playing? I found my place in the music and continued both.
“When I met Scott, I was so rigid. The way I thought and learned, I was very controlled,” I said. “Like I am now, I suppose. He was a quirky artist, a musician, a poet, and an expert at having fun. I hated him at first. Probably because I didn’t understand someone so undisciplined. But I was drawn to him. And after a while, I couldn’t find the strength to deny the fact that I wanted him. I loved how I felt when I was with him. Free. Unbound by the ridiculous rules I set for myself. It was a better version of me.” I scoffed before continuing. “We planned to move in together after graduation. It was still a few months away, but when my mom seemed so happy for me, I decided to ease them into it.”
I let my words ring out like I’d hit a bad note intentionally. His sharp sideways glance told me he recognized his own sentiment for handling his father.
“I’m very good at what I do, Alex. I deal with spec sheets, numbers, contractors, bankers, lawyers, and a fuckload of bureaucratic
bullshit to make high-end projects a reality. But I’m not good at personal… communication. I wish I could telepathically relate what I want to explain sometimes. Especially when it’s challenging.”
“You fucked it up?” he asked with a ghost of a smile.
“Oh yeah. Stupendously.” I chuckled without humor. “I couldn’t figure out how to finesse it, so I told the truth. It didn’t go well. I knew it was a long shot, but I didn’t think they’d give me an ultimatum. Them or him. I was twenty-one and afraid. They fed my fear. It wasn’t so much I believed I’d go to hell if I didn’t renounce my perverted ways. It was their disappointment and a fear of losing my foundation. I don’t even know if that makes sense now. To keep them happy, I had to cut all ties with the boy I loved.”
I sighed deeply and kept my eyes squeezed shut, forcing myself to see in my mind’s eye the hurt and destruction I caused.
“I—I could barely look at Scott when I told him we were through. It was awful. He cried. He never cried. He was so….” My eyes welled with the memory and my breath caught. “I—fuck.”
I stood abruptly and paced the length of the living room and back again. Alex stopped playing. The absence of sound was more profound than the music had been. I felt itchy in my skin. Restless.
“Nate.”
“No. Let me finish.” My nostrils flared as I licked my lips nervously. “I called my dad and told him I’d done it. But I broke down. I was a wreck. I was shaking and upset. Not myself. Dad insisted I come home for a few days. He and Mom would leave in the morning to pick me up.”
A deafening silence fell.
“They never made it. There was fog and a semitruck and—”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too. Endlessly sorry. The guilt is crushing sometimes. Even now. I can’t help feeling that if I’d said, ‘no, I’m doing things my way, cut me off,’ at least they’d still be alive. I’m responsible.”
“Stop! You are not responsible. It was an accident. A horrible, tragic accident.” Alex shot to his feet and stood fiercely in front of me, prepared to fight my demons if I wouldn’t.
“I’ve seen my fair share of shrinks. After they died and fuck, after last year—” I clenched my jaw and turned my back to him.
“Last year?”
I shook my head, willing him to forget I’d opened my mouth. Mercifully he let it go. He sighed deeply and stepped in front of me.
“Nate, you’re a control freak with illusions of grandeur. Bad things happen sometimes. Thank you for sharing your confession. I absolve you. You can go on with your life now, and let go of your guilt.”
I chuckled humorlessly. “That easy, eh? Where have you been all these years?”
“Right here waiting to be your hero and set you free. It all comes down to being in the right place at the right time.” His jocular tone and twinkling eyes signaled an end to heavy discussions. “It’s hard to move forward when you’re trying to keep ghosts happy. Life is for the living. Recognizing who you are is the first step in accepting yourself. I think you’re going to be fine. With or without my help.” His grin turned heated as he reached for me. “Let the ghosts be.”
Alex circled his arms around my stomach and squeezed me tightly from behind, letting his head rest on my back as his right hand drifted south to cover my cock through my jeans. I groaned and turned to wrap him in a strong embrace, loving the contrast of his thickly muscled arms and his soft hair against my cheek. He pulled back and gave me a pointed look.
Message delivered. No more talking about past hurts and wrong turns. I returned his smile and pulled him forward, rocking my pelvis against his. I reached for his ass, then licked at his lips, requesting entrance as my fingers dipped under the elastic of his workout shorts. He moaned into my mouth when I traced his crack with a soft touch and writhed against me for friction.
“Fuck. You’re a tease.”
He bit my earlobe and pulled back to work on my zipper. I rested my forehead against his, watching him part the denim and slip his hands inside my briefs. He kneaded my ass and probed deeper than I’d done to him until I stilled his hands.
“No more?” He chuckled mischievously.
“Yes. More.” I paused and kissed him hard when my nerves got the better of me. Then I smoothly blurted, “I want to fuck you.”
Alex’s nostrils flared in appreciation. He loved dirty basic language when it came to sex. If I wasn’t so nervous, I would have tried to come up with something more provocative, but I was too strung out and a little embarrassed by my outburst.
“You want to fuck me?”
I nodded, knowing I couldn’t speak if I tried.
His smile was his answer.
He waltzed down the hallway, inching his dark T-shirt over his head. When he reached his bedroom, Alex tossed the garment aside and lowered his shorts so he stood completely naked, framed enticingly in the doorway with his gorgeous ass on display. Then he glanced over his shoulder, wordlessly inviting me to join him. I cupped my rigid member through my jeans instinctively and screwed my eyes shut, willing myself to relax. Passing out now would be a real mood killer.
My fingers shook slightly as I pulled my T-shirt off and entered the darkened bedroom. Alex turned on his bedside light and lay back on the crisp white linens with his left arm folded behind his head and his right hand on his dick. He palmed his hard flesh, stroking it languidly as he observed me.
“Nothing’s going to happen if you don’t get naked and get over here.” His voice was graveled with lust.
He was pure sex. So comfortable in his own skin. The way he moved was intoxicating. I couldn’t remember wanting someone this much. Not even Scott. What we’d shared had been beautiful the way young, naïve things are. This was different. This was potent, strong sexuality. Nothing between Alex and me was innocent. It should have been a relief to know the score, but as I pushed my jeans over my hips, I silently acknowledged feeling overwhelmed.
We’d given each other countless blowjobs over the past few weeks. I’d explored his beautiful body with my hands and my mouth as though memorizing every contour. Every time he walked away, I wanted more. Fear stood no chance against this intense desire.
I stood naked at the edge of the bed, allowing my gaze to roam from his wild, wavy hair down his muscled, smooth chest to his thick, erect cock.
“You aren’t waiting for an engraved invitation, are you?”
He let out an oomph of surprise as I threw my body over his and melded our torsos together. I gasped in pleasure at the feel of him against me. His skin was warm, and he smelled delicious. I rolled my hips over his as I licked at the sensitive area under his ear and nuzzled my nose into his neck and shoulder, wanting to breathe him in. Alex parted his thighs and hooked his left leg around mine before rolling us so he was on top of me.
“Muy guapo,” he purred as he gazed hungrily into my eyes. “So hot, Nate.”
My heart was thudding like crazy. I let my hands rest on his hip, then drift up his sides and over his ass. His weight felt delicious. And when he parted his legs and reached back to grip my cock, sliding it enticingly along his crack, I thought I might pass out.
“Jesus!”
Alex chuckled lustily and leaned down to flatten himself over me, trapping his cock between our stomachs while mine nudged his ass. The friction was a tease. Not nearly enough to satisfy either of us.
“Lube.” I didn’t recognize the husky, commanding tone in my voice. I sounded so sure of myself. What a joke. I knew what I wanted, but I wasn’t sure this was like riding a bike. I had to proceed with caution so I didn’t cum too soon.
Alex knelt over me to grab the supplies. He opened the lube and spread some on his fingers before shifting down to grip our rigid dicks together with his left hand. I moaned at the blissful pressure and bucked my hips slightly as I covered his hand and squeezed us tighter. Alex’s breath caught. I thought maybe I was being too rough, but his eyes had a dreamy, far-away look I knew well. I watched him closely as he le
aned forward to reach his right hand behind him, and again his breath quickened.
“Let me.” I held my palm up, waiting for him to pour lube onto my fingers.
He gave a slight nod and spread his ass wide with his right hand as he leaned forward to give me access. I pressed a single lubed digit at his hole and rubbed at the sensitive area.
“More.”
I licked my lips and pushed inside. He hummed and leaned back, silently encouraging me to keep going.
“That’s so good, Nate,” he purred. He wiggled his hips and refocused his attention on our leaking cocks as I probed his ass.
My senses were on overload. My skin tingled with anticipation, and my dick was so hard it hurt. To have this sexy man writhing over me as he jacked us off, moaning softly while I stretched him, was incredibly hot. Alex was so in tune with his sexuality. His unfettered movement in the twist of his wrist and his swaying hips added an erotic sensuality I found breathtaking.
“Give me the condom.”
My fingers shook as I struggled to tear open the package in a renewed bout of nerves. Alex snatched it away with a grin and settled between my thighs. He held my eyes in a sort of challenge as he stroked me.
“Alex, please.”
“Hmm. You’re ready, huh? Here’s what we’re gonna do.” He wrapped the latex over my cock expertly, then climbed forward to straddle my torso. “I’m going to sit back on your—”
I surged sideways and rolled him flat on his back in a fluid, quick maneuver meant to surprise him. His eyes lit with humor as he propped himself on his elbows. I crashed my mouth over his to stop him from asking what I was up to. I had no idea. I was going with what felt right. I softened the kiss and licked at his swollen lips before kneeling back between his thighs and hooking one of his legs over my shoulder. I fondled his balls gently, then slipped my finger back inside his hole. He bit his upper lip as he reached for his cock.