I nodded and looked down at my twisted hands in my lap. I couldn’t look my husband in the eye right now. I was afraid that I would start crying and never stop.
“Okay. Then why don’t you go upstairs, and I’ll clean up.”
I nodded again, left the table, and walked mindlessly upstairs. I went into our bathroom, took a long hot shower and changed into my pajamas. Then I went back downstairs to tell Jackson that I was going to bed. He was in the family room watching TV.
“Hey, Jackson. I’m going to go upstairs to bed. I just wanted to say goodnight.”
“Alright. Goodnight. I’ll be up in a while.”
“Okay.” I left the family room and walked upstairs. But instead of going into our bedroom, I walked through my husband’s office and into the nursery. When I turned on the lights and looked around the room, I started to feel tears fall down my face. I didn’t want Jackson to throw my stuff out, but I couldn’t tell him not to. I still felt so confused about the entire situation.
But when I saw Molly on the day bed, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I held onto her for dear life as I curled up on the bed and sobbed my heart out. After the week I’d had, I could no longer keep what I felt inside.
* * *
The past week had been one of the worst weeks of my life. Ironically, the past weekend had been one of the best weekends of my life. I’d thought that Samantha had finally accepted that it was okay to act like a little girl. She had relaxed and we’d had so much fun together. Then she’d come home Monday afternoon, and all hell had broken loose.
I thought that she’d been sick and when she so bluntly disobeyed me when I called for her, I spanked her. I kept thinking over that afternoon, wishing that I could have changed how I had acted.
Now, I didn’t know what to say to her. She had hardly talked to me during the entire week, I could tell that she wasn’t sleeping well, and she barely ate. I thought that telling her tonight about getting rid of the nursery would have made her happy. After all, I thought, she was the one who said that she never wanted to role play with me ever again. But instead of being happy about the news, it seemed to have really upset her. I just didn’t know what to do anymore.
I lay back against the couch when I heard a noise. I picked my head up to hear better, and I was sure that I heard Samantha crying.
I got up from the couch and headed toward our bedroom. When I didn’t see her in there, I headed toward the guest room. When she wasn’t in there, I headed toward the nursery and walked in to see her curled up on the day bed, holding onto Molly tightly.
“Samantha?” I said quietly, putting my hand gently on her shoulder to turn her over.
“Daddy!” she shouted and flung herself into my arms.
“Samantha? What’s wrong, baby?” I asked. I was so confused. Last Monday she told me that she never wanted to role play again and now she was calling me “Daddy”? But I decided no matter what, I would be there for her, whether she wanted me as her daddy or as her husband.
She didn’t say anything. All she did was sob harder.
“Okay, little girl. It’s okay. Daddy is here.”
I sat on the bed with Samantha in my lap, her head against my shoulder and her arms wrapped tightly around my neck. She was crying so hard.
After about twenty minutes, I was starting to get nervous that she would become dehydrated. “Samantha, baby, I need to go make you a bottle. You need to calm down and stay hydrated.”
“No… Don’t go! Please!” she said, squeezing me closer.
“Samantha,” I said, not sure what to do. On the one hand, I needed to get her bottle so she didn’t become dehydrated. On the other hand, I didn’t want to leave her alone when she was like this.
“No… please. I… I’m… sorry!”
“It’s okay, baby girl. I’ll take you with me. How does that sound? We can bring Molly too. That way I get to make you a tasty bottle and you can stay by my side and Molly will also be with you. Come on now.”
I handed Molly to her. She had one arm around my neck and with the other she carried Molly. She wrapped her legs around my waist, and I carried her downstairs like a little girl to the kitchen.
When we reached the kitchen, I scooted a chair out with my foot and placed her on it. She let go of me, but she was still crying so hard. I made the bottle as fast as I could.
Once it was done, I picked my little girl up, carried her back into the nursery, and sat down in the rocking chair with her in my lap. She was still holding Molly close to her.
“Here you go, baby girl. This should help you relax,” I said as I popped the bottle into her mouth. She began to suck on it immediately. After a few minutes, she stopped crying, but I felt her shaking because she was still so upset.
“It’s okay, baby girl. You’re okay. Do you want me to change you into some comfy pajamas?”
She nodded and I gave her the bottle to hold.
I picked her up and laid her back down on the day bed. Then I went to the dresser and pulled out some footie pajamas for her. After I changed her, I picked her up and sat back down in the rocking chair with her in my lap. “Okay, little girl. You should be all comfy and cozy now.”
She nodded and I could see that she was starting to fall asleep.
“Give me your bottle, sweetie. I can hold it now for you,” I said as I began to slowly rock back and forth.
She did as she was told right away.
“That’s my good girl. Go to sleep now, baby girl. I promise to be here when you wake up.”
She nodded and I could see her eyes fighting to stay open. I continued to hold the bottle for her to suck on until she finished it, but by the time that she did, she was fast asleep.
I picked her up and carried her into our bedroom, then pulled the covers down and placed her on the bed. I pulled the covers up to her neck and gave her a kiss on her forehead. Once I knew that I hadn’t woken her by accident, I went back into the nursery. Samantha had dropped Molly after she had fallen asleep, and so I grabbed her doll and a pacifier and brought both items back into the bedroom. I tucked Molly under the covers next to my baby girl, and then I placed the pacifier in her mouth.
I just hoped that when she woke up we would finally be able to talk about the situation.
I went into the bathroom and changed into my pajamas. Once I was dressed, I crawled into bed with my little girl and wrapped my arm around her, hoping that tomorrow we could finally settle things, once and for all.
Chapter Twenty-Six
I woke up feeling groggy—which always happened when I had been crying the night before. I opened my eyes to see my husband sitting next to me on the bed, and then I realized that I had a pacifier in my mouth and I was holding Molly.
“Good morning, baby girl. Listen, before we get talking or do whatever you want to do, I want you to eat breakfast. You have hardly eaten this past week and I can’t stand it anymore. So, please eat, and then we can talk, okay?”
I nodded.
“Good,” he said and pulled the pacifier out of my mouth. “You can’t eat with that still in there,” he commented and put the pacifier on a napkin on his nightstand. It was then I noticed that there was a food tray there also. I watched as he grabbed it and put it between the two of us. There were two plates of french toast on the tray, and the French toast was cut up and had syrup on it. There were also two glasses of milk and a bottle filled with milk.
“I didn’t know how you would want to be acting today. So, I figured if I brought you a glass and a bottle you could decide,” Jackson said, noticing that I was staring at the two.
“Okay,” I said, unsure which one I wanted to drink.
We ate breakfast in silence. I hadn’t taken a drink yet, because I wasn’t sure how I wanted to be acting. The situation was still a mess. All that last night had solved was to show my husband how absolutely crazy I was. When we finished our french toast, Jackson put the tray back on his nightstand, and then grabbed the cup and the bottle.
&nb
sp; “Samantha. You have to drink something. With how much you cried last night, I really would like you to.”
I took both from him and decided to take a sip out of both.
Jackson burst out laughing. I looked up at him as he said, “I think that describes your situation perfectly.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry about this week, Jackson,” I said, and I started to tear up again—to my embarrassment.
“Hey, hey. No more crying. Why don’t you come here and bring Molly?” he said as he took my cup and bottle out of my hands and placed them on his nightstand.
I immediately went into his lap while I held Molly in mine, and I let out a contented sigh. No matter what was going on, I always felt safe and loved while in my husband’s lap.
“You ready to talk about what is going on inside that head of yours, little girl?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“Good. Now, why don’t you start at the beginning? Maybe by telling me that, it will help you feel better.”
“Okay. So, I guess as you know, before you told me about your fetish, I could tell that you were hiding something from me. I knew that you were never fully happy with our marriage. I promised myself that I was going to get to the bottom of it the weekend that I came home sick. Then, I did end up finding out what you weren’t telling me when I woke up in a pair of footie pajamas and a diaper.”
“How did you feel then?” he asked, rubbing long strokes up and down my back.
“Confused. Angry. I was upset that you kept something from me for so long. On the other hand though, I was looking back at when I had been sick and obviously, I remember feeling sick, but I also felt cherished and safe. You took such good care of me. A part of me… well… a part of me… liked it.”
“And you thought that was wrong?”
“Yes. I asked you to give me some time to process everything, and you did. I was thankful for that. Then you went on that business trip and I decided to search the house because I wanted to know where you kept all of the baby items, because I had never seen them before. That’s when I found the nursery. When I found the nursery, I was speechless. I couldn’t believe that you would keep a room like that in our house and I especially could not believe that I did not know about it for so long.”
I paused, remembering that day. It felt like it had happened a million years ago, yet it really only happened a few months ago. I still remembered the shock I’d felt at finding that room. I looked up at Jackson, and he looked like he was hanging onto my every word.
“I started to go through all the items in the nursery, and when I saw the diapers, I was terrified. Then I saw the dollhouse and all of the dolls, and I remembered how my mom had thrown them out when I was a kid. So, I started to warm up to the nursery a little. Then I saw Molly, and I was sold. I had always wanted an American Girl Doll, and I finally had one. It didn’t matter to me at the time that I was too old for her… you know, it doesn’t matter to me now either. I love my Molly doll,” I said, giving her a hug.
I realized then what I said was the truth. I no longer cared that I was twenty-five and enjoyed playing with my American Girl Doll. I never got to have one as a child, and I wasn’t going to not play with her now just because society decided that I was too old to play with a doll.
“I’m glad that you love her. I knew that you would. So, getting back on track, I came home the next morning and found you.”
I chuckled. “Yes, you did. I was so scared that you were going to force me to play along with you in this lifestyle. But, you didn’t. Instead, remember, we talked out the rules and that was the first weekend that I was your little girl.”
“How did you feel about that?”
“Being your little girl for the first time?”
“Yes.”
“Well, like I said before, a part of me liked it. It was so peaceful to let my Daddy decide what I was going to do, and I didn’t have to worry about anything. Another part of me, though, kept telling me that I was a freak for playing along with your fantasy.”
This was the hard part for me. It was one thing to have these thoughts inside my head, but it was another thing to voice them. I looked up at Jackson again, and he smiled encouragingly at me to continue.
“Then another part of me just wanted to please you. I saw that look that you got in your eyes when I called you Daddy or when I did something you liked. That made me happy, and it made me want to continue behaving as a little girl would so I could continue to see that look on your face.”
“Is that how you felt the entire time that we role played? Like you were a freak?”
“Kind of. I mean a part of me, yes, does think that you and I are freaks for role playing like this. But another part of me—the part that enjoyed being your little girl—just started to grow. I started looking forward to the weekends because I knew that it was my time to relax and it was a time that I could fulfill your every need. That made me happy, and I really like making you happy.”
I didn’t look up at Jackson this time. I didn’t know how he would react to my thinking that we were freaks for role playing.
“Sweetie, I’m glad that you liked role playing, but the whole point of doing it is so both partners can make the other happy. If you were only role playing to make me happy and at the same time you felt like a freak while role playing, it doesn’t sound like you were happy during this entire time.”
“It made me happy too! I’m just saying that I liked making you happy.”
“Okay. So, can you tell me what happened on Monday to make you come home crying?”
“I was late to work that day and I had an important meeting in the morning with my boss and some other executives. Right as I got off the elevator, I got coffee spilled on my blouse because I bumped into someone on accident. I had to sit through the meeting with a coffee stained blouse, and after the meeting, my boss yelled at me. After I got yelled at, all I wanted to do was come home and let you hold me. That made me angry because I kept thinking that if we hadn’t been role playing before, my first response at getting yelled at wouldn’t have been to go run home to my Daddy.”
I paused to get my emotions under control. The events of Monday still left me feeling hurt and angry. The last thing I wanted to do was burst out crying again. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down before I continued. “Then I went into my office and I unconsciously started sucking on my thumb like a baby. That was when I kept thinking that I was an absolute freak. I told Kaylee that I was leaving, and I came home. But then I saw you and I was thinking about role playing, and that’s why I yelled at you. Before I knew what was happening, you were giving me a spanking. During the spanking, I was hit with all of my different feelings and that’s why I said my safe word. Once you stopped spanking me, I just couldn’t think, and I took off running.”
“Oh, baby girl. I am so sorry,” Jackson said, hugging me tightly. “Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped you through your emotions.”
“I couldn’t,” I said, trying to defend myself.
He lifted my chin so we were looking at one another in the eye. He looked a little angry, but mostly he looked like he didn’t believe what I had just said.
“You couldn’t tell me?” he asked.
I pulled my head away. “I didn’t want to. I was afraid that you would get angry at me for thinking that your fetish made us freaks.”
“Oh, baby girl. What am I going to do with you?” he chuckled, hugging me and rocking back and forth.
That was not the response that I was predicting. All this time I thought that he would get furious if I told him how I really felt, and when I did, he laughed. I felt my eyes tearing up again. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, baby girl. No more tears. I’m sorry that I laughed. I think I finally understand now what I need to do to make you feel better about this lifestyle. I know that next Saturday you have your staff holiday party in the evening. But, how would you like to go to a munch with me in the morning? I think that it wo
uld really help you.”
“What’s a munch?” I sniffled.
“A munch is a gathering where people who participate in the same lifestyle get together and talk. It’s a way for both daddies, mommies, little boys, and little girls to get together and talk about the lifestyle they participate in.”
My nose was running, so Jackson paused and reached to get me a tissue on the nightstand. He handed it to me so I could blow into it, and when I finished, he continued, “A munch is also a great way for everyone who participates in this lifestyle to realize that they are not alone with their unique desires. I think that it would really help you understand that you are not alone in how you feel about wanting to be my little girl. Also, no one has to worry about being exposed during these gatherings. Everything is kept very private, so no harm comes to any of the people who attend the munch.”
I thought about what he said for a second. “Will I have to act like a little girl there?” If I did, there would be no chance that I would go. Acting like a little girl in public had gotten me into yesterday’s mess and I didn’t want a repeat performance of yesterday at the munch.
“You can act however you want to, baby girl. I just want you to be comfortable when you are there.”
“Okay. I’ll go.”
“Thank you, Samantha. I promise that after this, if you still think role playing makes you a freak, then we won’t role play anymore. I don’t want this to cause you so much stress when it’s supposed to help you relax and embrace life again through the eyes of a little girl.”
“That sounds fair. But, what happens if I still feel this way, but another part of me still likes being your little girl? I really do enjoy it, and I don’t want to give it up.”
“Then we will deal with it. This is your decision, baby girl. Whatever makes you happy is what I will do. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Good. Now you need to drink your milk. Would you like your cup or bottle?”
“Bottle, please… Daddy.”
Little Samantha's Choice Page 20