by Alexa Davis
I shook my head, panic seeping through my veins. “I will,” I insisted. “I don’t intend to keep her in the dark forever, but she’s too young now. It isn’t fair.”
“None of this is your fault, you know that, right?” she said kindly, gripping on to my shoulder. “You can’t keep taking all of this upon yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Tears streamed down my face before I could even think about stopping them. This was the hardest conversation that I’d had to have in a very long time. I understood where she was coming from, but my emotions weren’t rational and they would always behave in the way that they wanted to, regardless of how many times I told myself otherwise.
“Rae will find out what happened anyway; it’s best to have it come from you. You’ll be able to discuss it with her in the kindest way possible…and only you can answer the questions she’s bound to have.”
“Most of them, anyway,” I said through the as the sobs gripped my heart. “It’s just going to be horrible.”
“I know it is.” She rubbed my back and did her best to make me feel better. “But I’m always here for you, whatever you need.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I hugged her closely, allowing some of the burden to be lifted from my shoulders. “I really appreciate your help.”
“And whenever you feel ready to tell me more about this Justin character, I’m all ears.” There was a teasing in her tone now, one that told me she could see right through my façade, which actually had me giggling a little bit.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, trying to sound cool and calm. “Like I said, he’s just the potential investor.”
“Hmm, I’m not too sure about that,” she pulled back to smile at me. “But we’ll see.”
As she went to flick the kettle back on, I flushed at the memory of Justin naked again. That night, however much of a mistake it was, had impacted me deeply and I honestly wasn’t sure where we went from here. I was unsure about the whole investment plan, I didn’t know how we could be around one another in such a business-like way…it was all just a big mess.
Hopefully, the trip to Portland would clarify everything. Hopefully, I would come away from it with a stronger sense of what I wanted in every area of my life.
Chapter Nineteen
Justin – Thursday
As I wandered down the stairs, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I was proud to see Garrett already awake, dressed in his business suit, and eating a bowl of cereal. It might have been a little while now, but I still found it impressive that my brother was doing the right thing.
It made me want to do something impulsive and spontaneous for him, just to say thanks.
“Are you busy today?” I asked him casually while pouring my own cereal. “What do you have on?”
“Erm…there’s a lot that needs finishing off, but nothing in particular,” he replied, only half listening to me, half watching the news scrolling across the television. “Why do you ask?”
“Do you fancy taking the day off? Coming to watch a Trailblazers game with me?”
That got his attention. He spun his head around to look at me, wide eyed and surprised. “Are you serious?” he gasped. “What, take the day off? Can we do that?”
“Oh yeah, let me just ask the boss,” I grinned cheekily at him. “Of course we can. You’ve been working hard recently; it’ll be fun.”
“Yeah, okay. Let me just change out of my suit.”
As he thundered up the stairs, I felt happy with my decision. Garrett was making huge strides in the right direction, and he deserved recognition for it. I wanted to show him that I was proud and that I appreciated him. This felt like a much easier way to express that. Words didn’t ever really seem to get us anywhere.
I couldn’t help but hope that this would lead to a much better relationship between us, too. I wanted to be able to have brotherly conversations with him all the time. I wanted us to be able to discuss things that normal families did. I hoped this would help us to eventually become that.
The sad thing was we hadn't ever really been close, even before Garrett started going off the rails. I’d always resented him and found him irritating, which probably didn’t help the situation. If I had been a better big brother to him, he might have been able to talk to me about his problems, rather than having to find some other way express himself.
Never mind, there wasn’t anything I could do about the past now. I could make a better future for us, though.
***
“Wow, that was an incredible game!” Garrett exclaimed with a massive smile on his face. “Those points scored in the last few moments were epic.”
“I know,” I chuckled back. “I was on the edge of my seat pretty much the whole time.” We were having such fun that I didn’t want our time together to end, which was why I suggested that we keep hanging out just a little bit longer.
“Would you like to go and grab some dinner? Maybe have some drinks, too?” I knew that drinking was a problem for him, and that he shouldn’t be touching booze on a weekday, but if I was there to keep an eye on him, then I felt like everything would be fine.
“Yeah, sounds great! Where shall we go?”
I pointed to a nearby burger joint, which had a pretty good bar behind, it and we went inside. At first, I was confident in my choice and I knew that I could keep track of things, but the more that time went by, and the quicker Garrett started to sink his drinks, the darker his mood became. I could see it in him; his entire body language started to change, and his expression soured.
“Maybe we should switch to soft drinks,” I tried, needing to put an end to it, but Garrett simply shook his head and yanked his drink back towards him.
“No,” he growled. “I’m enjoying this drink, thank you.”
I sighed deeply, regretting this entirely. “Look, you’ve been doing so well. Just what Dad wanted for you. He wouldn’t like to see you getting wasted.”
“Dad?” he laughed mirthlessly. “Oh yeah, because Dad was a real moral compass.”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, preparing myself for a very unwelcome rant. “Why? What do you mean? Dad always did his best by us.”
“Oh my God, you’re so naïve.” He shook his head at me, looking at me like he actually pitied me, which bubbled a hot temper in my stomach. Why the fuck should he pity me? I was the one with my life together, I had the company, the steady life, I was the one making Dad proud. He was the screw up. “Do you really think that about Dad?”
“Well, why wouldn’t I?” I snapped, unable to control my temper now. “He single-handedly raised us after Mom died. He gave us everything that he could, we owe everything to him.”
“Yeah, even our mom’s death,” he replied coldly, making my blood turn to ice. How dare he say that about Dad? Mom got sick; that couldn’t be helped. I knew that Garrett felt screwed up about all of that, but to go that far in his suggestion was just plain wrong.
“What the fuck are you playing at?”
“Mom wasn’t sick. I don’t know why you even think that. Maybe that’s how your childish brain interpreted the situation.”
“How would you know anything about it?” Everything flared within me, I had no self-control. “You were too young to even remember.”
“But still I know,” he replied cryptically. “Mom killed herself. The first attempt at an overdose failed, which was how she ended up in hospital… Then while she was in there, she used a razor to slit her wrists.”
“No,” I whispered desperately, shaking my head. I could literally feel all of the blood draining from my face. “No, no, no.”
The problem was I could recall something about seeing deep scars on her arm at the time. I’d forgotten about it up until now, but now the memory was there, clear as day. I’d even asked Dad what it was, but he just brushed me off. “No, you’re lying.”
“When I was younger, I can’t remember how young exactly, I found her suicide note tucked away in Dad’s drawer.”
“No, no…” Even though I logically knew that Garrett was telling me the truth, I didn’t want to accept it. It meant that I knew nothing about my life – just at the moment I finally felt settled. “Stop it.”
“She killed herself because Dad kept cheating on her. She couldn’t take it, apparently. According to her letter, she begged him to stop over and over again, but he wouldn’t. He didn’t care about her, or her self-worth; he just treated her like shit all the time.”
“Stop that now,” I warned, the entire image of my father shattering in my mind. “I mean it, Garrett. Don’t ruin a nice day with your lies.”
Garrett’s whole body became red as he scraped his chair back, determined to stalk out on me. “You don’t want to hear it because it doesn’t fit in with your perfect view of this family. You have always idolized Dad, and you don’t want to hear a bad word against him. Well, guess what?” he slammed his hands noisily down on the table to emphasize his point.
“Dad was a dickhead, Mom was weak, I’m broken, and you…well, you’re just an idiot. You’re so arrogant that you don’t want to hear any opinion that doesn’t suit yours. None of us are perfect, least of all you, and the sooner you accept that, the better.”
With that, he raced out the building, heading to the nearest bar I imagined, leaving me alone with the foundation of my whole world ripped out from underneath my feet.
Was he telling the truth? Did Dad really do all of those horrible things? I couldn’t fit that imagine in with the man I knew and loved, but then again, it did make a lot of sense when it came to my brother. If he found that letter just before he went off the rails, then that would explain his behavior. It would also help me to understand why he wouldn’t let any women close to him, why he only wanted to fool around with as many as possible. He was scared of getting hurt…or maybe he was scared of hurting someone else.
“Are you okay, sir?” the waitress asked, bringing me back into the present moment. “Would you like to take a look at the dessert menu?”
“Erm, just the bill, please,” I replied numbly, needing to get the hell out of this place as quickly as possible. “Thank you.”
While she went, I did my best to imagine Garrett’s version of events as the truth. It would have to have been very bad for Mom to give up her whole life like that. She killed herself, leaving her two children behind. She didn’t die unwillingly, hating leaving us behind…she chose to go.
I had no idea whether I felt awful for her, for having to sacrifice everything because my dad was a shit to her, or whether I was furious. Surely it was incredibly selfish of her to give up, and leave us in his hands…not that he did a terrible job.
Urgh, it is so confusing. It didn’t help that I knew nothing about depression or suicide, but still…to learn that everything I’d ever known about my life was wrong was hard to come to terms with. I wasn’t sure how I would do it.
The only thing I was certain of was that drinking wasn’t the answer. I didn’t even feel like finishing my beer, never mind drinking anymore, so there wasn’t any danger of me turning in to another Garrett…
Oh God, Garrett…
If he was out now, there wasn’t much chance of him coming into work tomorrow, which could easily be the first step in another downwards spiral. It was such a delicate balance with him as it was, and that was one hell of a blow up. It wasn’t really my fault; I couldn’t exactly go through the rest of my life without ever mentioning our parents, but I felt guilty all the same. Just when things had been going well, I managed to screw it up!
Idiot!
Once I paid the bill, I made the long, slow walk back home, my mind circling over and over with emotion, trying to find some answers in my brain. I couldn’t deny that there was a lot of evidence to support Garrett’s claims, but that didn’t mean it made any sense. How could I know someone my whole life, just to find out that I didn’t know him at all? My dad had always been there for me, he helped me with my problems, he loved me unconditionally…wouldn’t he have told me if it was his fault Mom died? Sure, he might have been ashamed for many years, but he could have said it just before he died.
Unless he didn’t want me to live on with a bad view of him?
When I eventually got back home, I didn’t want to do anything, so I wandered a little aimlessly into the bedroom and collapsed on the bed in a heap. I felt like I needed to cry, but I didn’t have any tears left in me. I half had the sense that I wanted to scream, but my vocal chords felt strangled. This was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me, and I honestly wasn’t sure how I was going to recover.
Then again, I didn’t have any choice. I had to go in to the office tomorrow, if only to pick up my brother’s slack. If there was no chance of him being there, which I was pretty sure there wasn’t, then someone had to do his work…and yet again that responsibility fell to me.
Always picking up his pieces.
Chapter Twenty
Annie – Friday
It felt a little weird to leave Rae behind because I hadn't spent a lot of time away from her since the day that she was born – particularly not in another city – but I knew she would be okay with Mom. I had to remember that she was Rae’s grandmother, and that she loved her just as much as I did. She would be looked after well, plus, I could call at any time I wanted. I could even video chat with them if I needed to.
Anyway, the three-hour drive to Portland was almost over, and what I really needed to do was get my head in the game. I had no idea what way this weekend was going to go, and I had to have a steely focus to just get through it. It was so confusing to even be around Justin in any capacity, so this could really go either way.
“Oh my God,” I muttered to myself, as I pulled up outside a very fancy building. I knew that it had to be Justin’s; after all, he was the richest man I knew apart from maybe Roy, but it was much fancier than I was expecting – all clear white with gold trimmings and massive, clean windows. I even glanced down at the piece of paper that I’d written the address down on, just to check that it was right.
I pulled the car mirror down to smooth my hair down quickly, hating the way the long drive made me look so shabby. How the hell am I supposed to strut in there without falling apart? I did not fit in with this world – that was obvious.
“Okay,” I whispered, trying to ignore the tremble in my voice. “Just do this.”
I didn’t want to. In fact, what I actually wanted to do was turn the car around and drive all the way back home, but I couldn’t. I’d made it this far…I couldn’t turn back now.
So with that in mind, I literally forced myself out of the car, and I made my legs walk towards that terrifying building, my heart hammering in my chest the entire time.
Luckily, just at the moment I was about to throw up because I was freaking out so much, Justin’s friendly face greeted me at the door, causing every inch of me to focus on him, instead.
When I was drinking in his cute smile, his gorgeous eyes, the way that he looked incredible in a vest and tie, I wasn’t worried about what everyone else would think of me. It might have been acutely obvious to everyone that I was far too small town to even be seen in a place like this, but with Justin on my mind, it suddenly didn’t seem like such a huge issue.
“Hey, how are you?” he asked warmly. “How was the drive?”
“Traffic wasn’t too bad,” I smiled brightly at him, enjoying that sense of familiarity that I could feel between us now. “How are things here? Your building is lovely.”
“Wait until you see inside!” he teased, before pulling me in for a hug. As my body pressed up against his, my emotions got all mixed up once more. He just felt so comfortable and sexy…
Nope, not sexy!
I pulled back sharply and looked up at him hoping that he could see the sorrow in my eyes. I didn’t want to push him away, but we had no choice.
“My financial advisor Harry can’t be here today, but he’s making a special trip down tomorrow.”
> “Right, okay,” I nodded as if I understood. I half wanted to ask him why I didn’t just wait to come up then, but I zipped my mouth closed instead. “So what’s the plan for today?”
“Well, I can show you around the building, give you a better feel of the place, if you like.”
“Yeah, sounds good,” I replied, smiling to hide to the nerves. “That’s what I’m here for, after all.”
He led me inside, calling out random names as we walked through the sleek hallways. I tried to take in at least one of the names, but they were floating over my head.
All I could really concentrate on were the dirty looks constantly being shot my way. At first, I couldn’t work out why everyone seemed to dislike me so much, it seemed to be so much more than the fact that I simply didn’t fit in…until I realized that it was actually jealousy. I started to get the sense that people could tell that something had gone on between me and Justin, and that they were actually jealous about it.
And in a weird way, that turned me on a little bit. Just knowing I had something they wanted helped me to overcome the sense that I didn’t fit in, and I couldn’t stop myself from encouraging it. As I got dirty looks, I moved in closer to him. As Justin spoke to me, I acted a little flirtier with him…I just couldn’t seem to stop myself.
Well, that was the case until I met the next person!
“Annie, this is my brother, Garrett.”
As I shook Garrett’s hand, I couldn’t stop myself from recalling all the negative stuff I knew about him. He was a troubled guy with a bit of a past, but he was trying to overcome it. I could see that he was trying hard, but I got the strong sense that he was struggling with it all much more than he was letting on. There was a definite pain there that he didn’t seem to know how to express.
“Hi, Garrett,” I smiled in a way that I hoped was friendly. “It’s nice to meet you.”
But all he did was raise his eyebrows and grunt back, not giving me anything in return.