by Alexa Davis
I had to go in there, to face the situation eventually, but first I just needed a moment to myself. I just had to gather myself up before I faced it all. I wasn’t expecting to ever see Justin again, never mind on some random Monday evening when I’d been at work all day and I looked like crap…
Oh God, I really do look like crap! It was too late to do anything about it now; he’d already seen me. Plus, I got the sense that I was too far gone anyway, that I didn’t have the time to do what needed to be done. I shouldn’t have cared what he thought anyway, it really shouldn’t have mattered—
“Are you okay?” Nancy hissed into my ear, making me jump into the air. “Is that him? Is that the Justin?”
“Yeah,” I sighed sadly. “I don’t understand why he’s here or what he wants. It’s making me a bit crazy.”
She bit down on her lip and gave me an imploring look. “Would it make things easier if I took Rae to my place for the night? She can sleep in the spare room like she did last time, when you were ill. That way you can have some time and privacy to sort things out properly with Justin. It seems like that’s what you both need.”
“Would you?” I gasped gratefully. “I hate to ask, but that would make things easier. I think that there’s a lot that needs to be said, and it can’t be with Rae here.”
“Of course, she likes staying at my place anyway,” she reassured me. “No worries, I’ll bring her back in the morning. Or maybe I’ll wait until you finish work…” Clearly, she thought that there was a chance Justin would be staying over, and I didn’t bother to correct her. “Anyway, yeah, I’ll see you in a bit.”
I packed up Rae’s things and sent them on their way before turning back to Justin with a curious look in my eyes. “What are you doing here?” I asked, deciding to go in head on. I couldn’t beat around the bush with him anymore; it was causing me too much pain.
“I have been an idiot,” he admitted. “This whole thing has been driving me crazy, and now I realize that I’ve been stupid.”
In that moment, I wanted to scream at him, to tell him what it had been doing to me, too, but I didn’t. I clamped my lips tightly shut, instead. I felt like once I started, there wouldn’t be any shutting me up, and I did want to hear him out. “Can I sit down?”
“Yes,” I whispered, imitating him with my gaze fixed on his the entire time.
“So, I didn’t tell you everything, but what happened with Garrett was really bad. His…accident ended up killing someone. A teenage girl.” Everything within me iced over. Whenever he talked about this accident, it made me feel sick to my stomach. “And the worst part is he doesn’t even seem remorseful for it. He seems like…I don’t know, not like he wanted to kill someone, but that he wanted to die himself.”
“Oh God.” This was too much, it was intense. I almost couldn’t breathe with the pressure this information was putting onto my chest. Maybe he really had been too busy to speak to me…but I wasn’t sure that made me feel any better.
“I’ve been trying to help him, but honestly, now I feel at the end of my tether. I’ve organized him a lawyer and I’ll be there when necessary, but I don’t think that there’s much else I can do. Every time I visit him I make things a million times worse…” I nodded slowly, and he seemed to get the sense that he was overwhelming me because he quickly moved the conversation forwards.
“Anyway, during one of my visits with him, he told me that I was turning into my dad and that I’d only end up cheating on you and hurting you. I know it sounds stupid now, but at the time, I got all up in my head and it put me off calling you.”
“Right,” I drawled, trying to process all of that. “Okay.”
“The thing is, I realize now how stupid I’ve been. You are the first woman to make me feel anything. I mean, the fact that you came up to Portland just to see me, that was an incredible gesture and I really appreciate it.”
“Yeah…” What the hell does he expect me to say to that? Dioes he think I will agree? Lie down and take all of his crappy excuses? I knew that he wasn’t fully aware of my past, but he could tell that there was pain there. “Okay, why didn’t you just tell me all of this?” I felt like we’d been open enough with each other for him to feel comfortable around me. The fact that he didn’t spoke volumes.
“I don’t know. I know that I should have, but I have honestly been such a mess—”
“No,” I slid my chair back and stood up. I’d had enough complicated men who didn’t know what they wanted, who didn’t seem to have their own minds. I couldn’t go through any of that again. I had Rae now. I needed to think about her and what she needed. This wasn’t just about me anymore. I needed to get Justin out of my life before he hurt her.
“I’m sorry, but that doesn’t feel good enough. I can’t take that. I’ve been a mess these last few days—”
“Me too,” he insisted, interrupting me. “Not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought about you.”
“Well then, you should have called!” I exploded. “I need you to go. I can’t get hurt again, I’m sorry.”
I stood back and indicated towards the door, no longer looking at him at all. I didn’t want him to see how deeply his betrayal had cut me. I just needed him gone.
“I…please let me talk…” he argued pitifully.
“No, just get out of here,” I snapped. “I have had enough of you. I didn’t ask you to come here tonight, and now that you are here, I realize that I have nothing at all to say to you. Just go.”
I was being harsh, but I needed to get him out. Luckily, he finally seemed to get it and I watched him from the corner of my eye as he sadly shuffled off. Once he was gone and the door had closed behind him, I allowed my body to slip downwards to the floor where the tears got the better of me.
I was hurt to have lost Justin forever, but mostly, I was just glad that Rae wasn’t there to witness this sadness. This was the sort of thing that I needed to shield her from forever.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Justin – Monday night
Shit.
I officially felt horrific. I really thought my random popping down to see Annie was going to work. I thought she would instantly see how much she meant to me and everything would be okay.
I couldn’t have been more wrong. That failed in the worst way possible.
The moment she opened her front door, I could tell that her guards were up, and to be honest, I couldn’t blame her. I hadn't spoken to her for ages, but I assumed it’d all be all right once I explained my behavior. Sure, saying it aloud felt a lot like pointless excuses, and I should have guessed that Annie wouldn’t allow that, but I didn’t.
And now I felt stuck.
“I have had enough of you. I didn’t ask you to come here tonight, and now that you are here, I realize that I have nothing at all to say to you. Just go.”
How could she say those things to me? Did she really mean it? There was a wobble in her voice that suggested she might have been trying to be strong, but I might have just been hearing what I wanted to hear. I’d been expecting such a warm and forgiving reception, one that I probably didn’t deserve, so maybe I was just imagining some kindness there.
Oh God, what the hell was I going to do now? I hadn't planned for the door to be slammed in my face. I had been much more ready for a night of sorting everything out, sharing our feelings, and really getting it all out in the open. Now I was lost and really alone.
I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and put in a call to the one person who I knew would see me at such short notice. I couldn’t be left alone with my thoughts – I would end up driving myself insane.
“Roy?” I said the second he answered. “I’m in Florence; do you have any time to meet me?”
“Sure,” he replied gravely without even missing a beat. “Let’s go out to dinner. I’ll meet you by the diner on the corner?”
“Thank you,” I gasped gratefully. “I’ll see you soon.”
Knowing that I would get to hash over all of thi
s with Roy made me feel a little bit better, but the sad, sickly feeling wasn’t going anywhere. Annie didn’t seem like the type who would allow someone to walk in and out of her and Rae’s life, so there was a massive chance that I’d screwed it forever. I might have actually lost her.
As I explained the scenario to Roy in my own words, I could see sympathy crossing his expression. It was likely that he could see it from both mine and Annie’s point of view, which was exactly what I needed. I wanted him to tell me what I needed to do to make things work.
“So, she just kicked you out?” he asked curiously. “Just told you to go?”
“Yeah,” I sighed sadly. “And now I’m left wondering if I’ve fucked things up for good, you know? Annie really is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I acted so selfishly. All it would have taken was a phone call or a text, but I was so wrapped up in what Garrett told me about where my future was headed…I guess I just didn’t think about anything else.”
“I don’t think it’ll be forever,” he smiled reassuringly at me. “I’ve known Annie for a while now, and I’ve never seen her so into anyone. She doesn’t let people in easily, and she did you. I know she seems mad now, but I think that’s just the hurt talking. Give her time and she’ll be back to you, I guarantee it.”
“Are you sure?” I sniffed slightly, feeling a little overwhelmed. “I just…I can’t help but feel like I’ve royally fucked it up.”
“Trust me.”
“Annie’s just such a great girl, absolutely perfect for me, and I don’t want to think about my life without her now.”
***
By the time I left Roy, I felt a little bit better. Sure, things were still really messed up, but he had me so convinced that if I just slept on it, things would look better tomorrow. He’d told me many times that she would come back around if I just gave her some space, that everything would be all right.
I had to believe that, if I didn’t want to completely fall apart.
But as I wandered into my hotel room, I let out a deep breath I hadn't even realized I was holding. It was all well and good feeling positive when I was with my friend giving me encouragement, but by myself, the dark thoughts started to take over. All of a sudden, I wasn’t sure if I could just go to sleep, knowing that Annie was so mad at me. I wanted to fix it, and I wanted to do it immediately.
I paced up and down the room, feeling wired and on edge. I felt like I wanted to do everything at once, but I didn’t know where to start. How can I fix this? What can I do to make it all better? How can I erase the pain that I inadvertently caused without going back in time?
Maybe it would have helped me if I knew more about Annie’s past and what had happened with Rae’s dad, but I didn’t, and I wasn’t in the position to ask about it. I’d been closed off from Annie, I hadn't shared all of me, so there was no way I could go about digging into her history.
Maybe if I just called her…
No, I had to do what Roy suggested. I needed to give her space. I’d already shocked her by turning up randomly once; there was no way I could do that again. She had my number; if she wanted to speak to me, she could get in contact that way. This wasn’t just about me. This was about what Annie wanted. I’d spent enough time thinking only of myself. Now I had to do what was right.
But one tiny phone call couldn’t hurt, could it? If I just phoned her up to apologize for turning up unexpectedly, that wouldn’t be so bad, would it?
I toyed with my phone between my fingers, fighting between my heart and my head. Unfortunately, what I really wanted to do was starting to win out. I was slowly becoming convinced that one tiny phone call couldn’t do much damage after all.
I was only stopped from actually making that call by someone tapping on my hotel room door. I was confused, because I knew that I hadn't ordered any room service, and I was pretty sure that I wasn’t expecting anyone, but I walked to open the door anyway, just in case it was Roy who could somehow sense what I was about to do.
“I wasn’t calling her, honest,” I teased as I swung the door open, but I was soon silenced by the person standing in front of me: the brunette beauty who I’d been falling for and thinking about for a very long time now. “Annie? What are you doing here?”
She shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, looking shy and sad, as if she was the one who had something to feel guilty for. “I’m so sorry for the way I acted before,” she gushed quickly, almost as if she was trying to get her words out all in one go. “I was wrong. You just shocked me. I wasn’t expecting you to turn up, then you were there, saying all these things, and I didn’t know what to think.”
“How did you find out where I was staying?” I asked, totally brushing over all of her apologies. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate them. I just felt a little blown away myself to be honest. It was helping me to see that maybe things weren’t quite so simple when surprised after all. Maybe I could finally see why she’d overreacted.
“I spoke to Roy,” she admitted. “He called me to tell me that he’d just been with you. He told me how bad you felt and nudged me in the right direction. He basically told me, without actually saying it aloud, that I should have listened to you.”
“Yeah, he’s quite good at that, isn’t he?” I smiled weakly at her. “Do you…want to come in?”
Please say yes, I begged in my mind. Please come in; give me a chance.
“Okay, thank you.”
We stepped into my room and both perched awkwardly on the end of my bed. I didn’t know how to act, what I should be doing with myself, and from the way that Annie kept moving about, it seemed like she felt the same way.
“So…” I started, needing to say something. “Do you want me to tell you everything?”
“No,” she shook her head rapidly. “I think you’ve said enough. There’s a lot that I need to tell you. I never should have gone at you like that, when I’ve kept stuff back, too.”
She sighed deeply, and hung her head in shame. It made my heart go out to her. I didn’t want her to feel bad, not for anything. And I certainly didn’t want her to tell me anything under a stressful situation. “I’ve kept a lot of my past back, including what happened with Rae’s dad…”
I moved closer to her and tipped her head up to face mine with my finger under her chin. “I don’t need to hear it,” I insisted, actually meaning it.
Of course, I wanted to know everything about Annie, even the bits that weren’t so easy to discuss, but this felt like a nice moment. We were coming back together and I didn’t want that to be tainted by bad news. I wanted us to finally be just happy. “Tell me when you’re ready…or not at all, if you don’t get there.”
I kissed her lightly on her lips, feeling my heart fill up all over again. She was right for me, the only one in the world that ever had been, and I didn’t ever want to lose her again.
“Are you sure?” she gasped uncertainly. “I feel like I owe you an explanation.”
“You don’t owe me anything,” I reassured her. “Things just haven’t been smooth sailing yet, but the best things in life never are.”
“Are you sure about that?” she asked, that familiar teasing tone back in her voice. “Or did you just make that up?”
“Oh, I don’t know, I’m just saying words,” I admitted, shrugging my shoulders. “But you certainly feel worth the wait.”
“Roy told me that you like me more than anyone ever before,” she asked curiously. “Is that true? It doesn’t seem possible to me. You must have women throwing themselves at you, beautiful ones. I’m just…me.”
“You are the only woman that’s ever meant anything to me,” I told her seriously. “And whatever you think of yourself, you’re the most beautiful woman to me.” I grinned at her with love in my eyes as I tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. To me, everything about her was perfect, and I wished that just for a second she could see herself through my eyes.
“Wow,” she gasped happily. “That’s something else.
”
For a moment, we were both giggling happily, then something in the air changed and we were kissing like there was no tomorrow. My hands were tangled up in her hair, and hers were moving around my waist. We felt connected, together, and I never wanted that to end.
I was actually starting to believe that it might have been love.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Annie – Monday
This was different. There was something about it all that felt more…loving. As Justin’s hands moved from my hair and over my body, my heart raced, but more with emotion than lust.
I was falling for him, hard. Love was rapidly creeping over me, and there wasn’t a damn thing that I could do about it. It was just happening.
To be honest, I didn’t even want to.
This was the happiest that I’d ever been, and although it was scary to allow myself to be so vulnerable, it was rewarding, too.
Once Justin had left and I’d been allowed to stew in my own temper for a while, I realized how quickly I’d reacted and it made me feel a little bad. I should have at least given him the opportunity to talk. So by the time Roy called me, I was more than ready to open up my mind.
And now, I was so glad that I had because if I hadn't, I wouldn’t find myself with him now, his arms wrapped around me, making me feel all kinds of things. I wanted him now, and I was excited to find out how things would be, knowing that now we had feelings involved. Sex with me and Justin wouldn’t be fueled by lust, but by something much deeper, instead.
He laid my back onto the sheets, his mouth exploring mine hungrily. We were kissing as if we were horny teenagers who had only just managed to get their hands on one another. It was crazy, as if we’d been apart for years, rather than weeks, but I was more than willing to go with it because it felt incredible.
“Oh God, I’ve missed you,” I groaned, as he started to tug at my clothes. “You have no idea how much.”
“Oh, I think I do,” he moaned back. “I meant what I said that I’ve been thinking about you nonstop.”