Apparently he hadn’t shared that they’d had exactly two meals together before conceiving this baby. One was rubber chicken at the fundraiser. The other had been Capriotti’s.
“He likes fettuccine alfredo, too. And caesar salad.”
Shirley nodded. “Okay.”
Pretending to read her book, Cindy heard the other woman on the phone in the kitchen, placing the order. Then there was the sound of glasses set on the counter and the refrigerator opening and closing. Shirley brought wine for herself and a glass of water for Cindy.
After handing it over, the older woman sat on the end of the sofa. “So, what do you do, Cindy?”
There was a whole lot more that Nathan hadn’t shared. Cindy should have expected the question, but she hadn’t. She wondered if he talked with his mom about anything. It was possible he only told her about the baby because the pregnancy had turned risky at the same time Shirley showed up.
“I work in the housekeeping department at the hospital,” she said. “I’m also doing an administrative internship for my degree in hospital administration.”
“Aren’t you a little old to still be in school?”
Way to find the exposed nerve, Cindy thought. But she was only ashamed that being a fool had cost her time in getting an education, not that she was still pursuing the goal. “Personal problems delayed me. But I’m almost there.”
“Ambition. Good for you.” Shirley sipped her wine.
“It definitely keeps me busy.”
“You’ll be even busier after the baby is born.” The other woman’s comment held more question than statement.
How was she going to juggle her career and child care? Pay for it all? And a lot more things that Cindy could only guess at. Curiosity mixed with suspicion in Shirley’s expression. That was understandable. On some level she must be concerned about her son.
“To tell you the truth, I haven’t really thought that far ahead.” She turned down the page of her book to mark the place then set it beside her. “I’ll be able to finish up my degree before the baby is born. And I have medical insurance through my job at the hospital. I have a tight-knit group of friends for support.”
“Your parents?”
“Both passed away,” she said. It wasn’t a fresh loss, but a wave of sadness washed through her that her folks would never see this grandchild. “I have a brother in school at UCLA.”
“So, you’re basically on your own.”
“Yes. And I’ll deal with decisions as necessary and make the best ones I can make.”
“What about Nathan?”
“What about him?”
“How do you see his role in this?” his mother asked.
“Whatever he wants it to be.” Cindy hadn’t expected him to do as much as he already had. She also refused to picture the three of them as a happy little family.
“So, the two of you haven’t discussed marriage?” Shirley swirled the wine in her glass.
They had but only in jest or sarcasm. In one of her least shining moments, Cindy had said if her life was a romantic comedy, Nathan would have proposed to her. But she knew what his mother was asking.
“No. We’re not getting married.”
Shirley’s expression gave no clue about her reaction to that—either positive or negative. She nodded and said, “That’s very progressive of you not to feel the need to marry because of the baby.”
Cindy recalled the old movie they’d watched, filmed at a time when a baby out of wedlock ruined a woman’s reputation. But men got a free pass, even then. The old double standard. If there was any silver lining in this situation, it was that no stigma would be attached to her or the baby. She would be raising this child as a single mother. But the question reminded her about his revelation that he’d been married before.
“From what he’s said, Nathan shows no inclination to get married again.”
Shirley’s gaze jumped to hers. “He told you about Felicia?”
“Not much. Just that he’d been married.” The information had been offered only to validate his claim of not being anti-matrimony. “And that she died in a car accident.”
“Such a tragedy.”
“Losing someone so young is just horrible.”
“It was awful. They’d only been together a little over a year.” Shirley set her glass on top of the table, then reached down and picked up an album on the shelf below. “Their wedding was just perfect. And so beautiful.”
“May I see the pictures?” Cindy wasn’t sure what made her ask. Maybe it was like the all-too-human reaction to gawk at a car accident or stare at a train wreck.
“Of course.” The older woman stood, then settled the heavy book of photos on her lap.
Cindy opened the cover. There on the first page was Nathan looking ecstatically happy and incredibly handsome in his traditional black tuxedo. She’d personally experienced him in a tux, including the dance that had started her world rocking. Her heart had been beating so hard she could barely breathe.
What would it be like seeing him so tall and strong while he waited impatiently at the front of a church while you walked down the aisle in a white dress and veil?
Cindy turned the page and saw his bride. Her big dark eyes sparkled with excitement. Long black hair fell past her bare shoulders in the strapless, beaded wedding gown. The veil was attached to a three-banded, crystal-studded headpiece. She’d been a beautiful woman and was absolutely stunning in the photographs.
As she flipped through, there were countless images of the blissful couple at their reception. The white tent was situated on an estate with a bricked-in patio, a crystal-clear pool and an endless expanse of grass. Table settings of delicate china and crystal glasses were set up on white tablecloths. A photo showed the first dance as man and wife, cutting the cake, the happy bride and groom chatting with friends and family.
And just over a year later his wife was dead.
“Have you ever seen a more fabulous wedding?” Shirley asked.
“No.”
“Or two people more in love?”
“They look very happy,” Cindy answered, closing the book.
“When she died, Nathan blamed himself.”
“Why?” She looked up and saw the sadness in Shirley’s eyes. Obviously his mother had cared a lot about the woman her son married. Would anyone ever be able to fill that void?
“I’ve heard people say that it happens when you lose the love of your life. Although I wouldn’t know about that since my husband walked out because he didn’t love me.” Shirley rubbed a finger beneath her nose. “Felicia was like the daughter I didn’t have.”
What about the son you did have?
Piecing together the little Nathan had said, she knew Shirley had buried herself in projects to get through a hard time in her life. Cindy couldn’t help wondering how that affected Nathan. But it wasn’t her place to judge.
The pain of losing someone you love could do funny things to a person. Some ran away from life. Others ran away from love. She knew which category Nathan fell into after seeing how happy he looked in his wedding pictures.
So the question had to be asked. Did Nathan not believe in love? Or was denying it existed at all his way of hiding from an unimaginable loss?
Either way, this little stroll down memory lane confirmed that she was wise to guard her heart. It was unlikely that he was open to caring about someone no matter how much Cindy might wish he could care just a little bit about her.
Nathan had driven Cindy to Rebecca Hamilton’s office and now sat nervously in the waiting room while the obstetrician examined her. Over the last few weeks, his initial fear for her and the baby had receded when there were no further symptoms. And without further symptoms it got harder and harder to keep her quiet and resting as the days passed. When he wasn’t working, he was home with her, making sure she ate right and got enough sleep. The rest of the time they watched movies and played quiet board games.
Although quiet was a relative t
erm. Cindy was a ferociously competitive Scrabble player and pretty darn good at gin rummy. She was anything but quiet when she beat him badly at whatever game they were playing. It had both amused and entertained him. Mostly he hoped that she was entertained and the enforced R&R had done the trick.
Sitting by the door that led to the back office, Nathan looked around the waiting area feeling like a fly in a glass of milk. He was the only guy, caught in some gray area of this crazy journey to fatherhood. Though he’d never experienced it himself, he figured husbands probably accompanied their wives into the exam room. Even men in a committed, intimate relationship would be allowed in with the woman carrying their baby.
He felt like a sperm donor, relegated to benchwarmer. It was damn disconcerting because he was normally elbow deep in the action and calling the shots. The urge to pace was pretty overwhelming, but he wouldn’t give in to it. If Cindy didn’t emerge from the back office bastion of femaleness, he would take the necessary steps to get any answers he deemed appropriate to his involvement in this adventure. Ten more minutes, he decided, looking at his watch to start the clock ticking on his plan.
Eight minutes and forty-five seconds later the door opened. Every woman in the waiting area looked up and so did he. Cindy walked out, and he studied her expression for elation or agitation. If she’d just bested him at Scrabble, she’d have pumped her arm and shouted “yes” as a victorious gleam sparkled in her brown eyes. When he beat her at anything, the gold flecks disappeared. Before he could decode the current color, she slid her sunglasses on and stopped at the reception desk a few steps from where he was sitting.
Nathan joined her there while she made another appointment, then settled his hand at the small of her back to escort her out. It jolted him how strong and instinctive the inclination was to slide his arm around her. But he stopped just in time.
When the office door closed after them he asked, “Well? What did she say?”
“Everything’s fine with the baby. There’s no reason to assume there will be any more problems. It just happens sometimes. All is currently well and I have her dispensation to resume all normal activities.”
Nathan’s mind went immediately to sex, not that it was a normal activity for the two of them. But the need was more than he wanted it to be.
She let out a long breath. “What a relief.”
Yes. And no.
He was incredibly grateful that the baby was okay, but the risky pregnancy had effectively kept his mind off ideas he had no business having. Their situation already defied reason, and factoring in sex made it off the chart in terms of complicated.
The sun was hot when they left the medical building’s courtyard, but visions of getting Cindy naked made his skin burn for reasons that had nothing to do with the UVA index. In the June heat, she wasn’t wearing all that much— a little yellow cotton sundress and white sandals. He could put the flat of his palm on her belly and feel the way his baby was already changing the feminine curves of her body.
That was about the sexiest thought he’d ever had. The wanting that he’d been suppressing for weeks broke free and the only thing preventing him from pulling her into his arms and kissing the living daylights out of her was the way her lips pulled tight.
Something was wrong.
They walked through the parking lot and found the car. He opened the door, then handed her inside without exchanging a word. After he got in, he turned the key in the ignition to give it just enough juice to get the cool air going, but he made no move to drive anywhere.
“What aren’t you telling me?” he demanded.
Cindy glanced sideways. “Nothing.”
“Then what’s bothering you?” He knew her moods pretty well now and something wasn’t right.
“It’s nothing really.”
“Nothing really means it’s really something. Tell me,” he urged.
“It’s just—” She caught the edge of her bottom lip between her teeth. “Resuming normal activity means going back to work.”
“Right.”
Right. Of course she would go back. He should have realized that, but when testosterone got the upper hand, rational thought didn’t stand much of a chance. Tension from rumors and talk at the hospital could very well have caused her original symptoms in the first place.
“You know, Cindy, if you want to resign from your job, I’ll support you through the pregnancy.”
“What about after?” She was thoughtful for a few moments, then shook her head. “There’s still my internship at the hospital. They gave me a short leave of absence, but the health of my future career is there, too. And, as generous as your offer is, I need a career to take care of myself and the baby.”
“You don’t have to worry about—”
“Yeah,” she interrupted. “I do have to worry. I need to go back to my house and my job. I have to take care of myself.”
“You’re not alone.”
“If you say so.” Cool air from the dashboard vents blew the hair off her forehead.
It was probably his imagination, but he could swear there were shadows on the half of her face he could see. She looked small and scared. Nathan wanted badly to pull her against him, fold her in his arms and convince her it was okay to trust him. So the fact that this car was a small two-seater without room to act rashly was probably for the best. The only tools in his arsenal were words and logic.
“There’s no need to be afraid of going back to work. I’m sure all the rumors have blown over by now.”
“You don’t really believe that, do you?”
“Yeah, I do. It’s been a few weeks. Everyone’s no doubt moved on to other, more interesting topics.”
She shook her head ruefully. “No one questions your IQ creds, but street smarts are a different story.”
“What does that mean?”
“You don’t live in the real world. You’re so many levels removed from the rank and file that you have no idea how the pecking order operates.”
“Okay. So explain it to me.” He didn’t walk in her shoes, but he wasn’t completely oblivious.
“When I show up back to work, talk will start up all over again about why I was gone.”
“Because you didn’t feel well.” He shrugged. “It’s not a lie.”
“Without details there will be theories from swine flu to shingles. Either or both will be taken as fact.”
“So ignore them.”
“I plan to. And hope it blows over and talk goes back to politics and how the new healthcare legislation will change things at the hospital.”
“That’s the spirit.”
“Yeah, one can fantasize. But if the best-case scenario doesn’t pan out—”
Before she could finish the negative thought, he said, “I’ve got your back.”
“Absolutely, positively no.” Her full lips compressed to a thin line as she shook her head.
Talking to her was old news. Coworkers did it all the time. “What’s wrong with me being your friend?”
“You’re a doctor and I work in housekeeping—”
“Environmental Services,” he corrected.
“Whatever. If you acknowledge me in any way, or exhibit sympathetic behavior, anything that even hints of preferential treatment, I promise you it will get ugly. And I can’t afford to get fired. On top of providing for this baby, I’m still digging myself out of debt from my last mistake.”
Meaning that he was her current mistake.
Instead of responding to that, Nathan started the car and backed out of the parking space. Then he turned right onto Horizon Ridge Parkway. The second light was Eastern Avenue and he turned left, heading for the 215 Beltway. Traffic congestion meant he had to concentrate on driving and couldn’t lose his temper, which he really wanted to do.
But that wasn’t fair to Cindy. She’d already been used and abused by a back-stabbing son of a bitch and Nathan fervently wished for five minutes alone with the jerk who’d swiped more than her credit. The basta
rd had stolen her trust and it made Nathan furious.
He was paying the price at a time when Cindy needed to believe in him the most. It fried him big time that she couldn’t let herself count on him to protect her.
“Nathan?”
“What?” he snapped.
He’d turned onto the beltway and merged into traffic then pressed on the gas as the sporty luxury car smoothly took off and left the rest of the clunkers in his dust. This time of day there was very little traffic on this road and lots of open road in front of him.
“Nathan?”
“What?” he said again.
“You might want to slow it down a little.” She glanced over at him. “You could probably talk your way out of a speeding ticket on account of being a doctor except for two things.”
“Which are?”
“You’re headed away from the hospital and I’m in the car. No cop would believe you’ve got an emergency with a patient.”
He wasn’t going that much over the legal limit, but he slowed down and set the cruise control. If only he could do that to the fury raging inside him. Losing focus wasn’t his style. He didn’t normally get this angry, let alone give in to the primal, passionate feelings.
Not until Cindy.
Nathan wanted her to let him help, to allow him to take some of the stress off her, but because of what that one moron had done, she was pushing back. Telling her he wouldn’t let her down wasn’t going to convince her that he meant the words, even though he’d never been more sincere about anything in his life.
He knew how it felt to be abandoned by the very people who should have cared the most. Now he was going to be a parent. He intended to step up even before the baby was born.
That meant he had no intention of abandoning Cindy.
Correction: He wouldn’t abandon his child and she was the child’s mother. Therefore he would be there for her.
It wasn’t her fault that he couldn’t stop wanting her. That was a perplexing footnote about this whole complicated situation because that had never happened to him before.
He always lost interest. To his way of thinking, that was significant data proving that love didn’t exist. But Cindy continually surprised him, and sex was at the top of his interest list. Both did a number on his peace of mind, and neither were beneficial to him in the long term. When feelings started to get complicated in a relationship, he left. Because of the baby he couldn’t do that now.
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