Kevin could provide the two-parent home of her dreams, but the warmth, love, caring, and devotion would be missing. She pushed back the nausea that seemed to be her constant companion and locked herself in the bathroom.
If she was pregnant, she’d be someone’s obligation once more. Worse, she’d be Kevin’s obligation, tolerated because of a baby they’d created, but not loved for herself. Oh, God. She wanted him, but not like that.
She opened the flaps on the side of the box. A quick read of the instructions, and easy compliance. She glanced at her watch. In three minutes she’d know. Nikki lowered herself onto the closed toilet seat and chewed on her thumbnail.
“Is it time?” His voice sounded from outside the bathroom door.
She drew an unsteady breath. Though she’d prefer to be alone when she found out, Kevin had as much right to know the results as she did. And she might as well not suffer these agonizing minutes by herself. “Come on in.”
The door opened and he walked into the small bathroom she shared with Janine. His gaze flew to the white stick lying on the counter top by the sink. “Well?”
She glanced at her watch. “Two more minutes.”
He propped one shoulder against the wall. Silence surrounded them and tension flowed thick until she couldn’t take another second. “What are you doing with yourself now that you’re back?” she asked. Maybe normal conversation would make the time pass more quickly. “I know you haven’t returned to the force, at least not yet.”
He shrugged. “I took a job with an old friend, as an in-house security consultant for his manufacturing company.”
She looked up, surprised that the man who’d always made his job his life had given it up. “And you enjoy the monotony after all those years as a detective?”
He shrugged. “It’s a living. How much longer?” he asked, obviously changing the subject away from himself.
“You know what they say… a watched pot never boils.” She forced a strained laugh, then glanced at the watch on her wrist. “Another thirty seconds.” The blood drained from her head, leaving her weak.
“Hang on,” he murmured. “Now tell me why you gave up teaching.”
She smiled, grateful for his sensitivity at this particular moment in time. She splayed her fingers over her jeans. “I had one semester of student teaching left and that’s a full-time obligation. I couldn’t possibly work nights, formulate lesson plans and be my best the following day,” she explained. “Tony was going to help me out for the semester and I was going to pay him back once I started working full-time in the fell. But he…”
She swallowed a painful sob before continuing. “He died. The small amount of money my parents had left me was almost gone, Janine was pregnant…” She shook her head. “Everything changed overnight”
“And it’s about to change again. Thanks to me.”
She shook her head, found herself reaching for his hand despite better judgment. His palm felt warm and dry in hers. “I never did understand why you blamed yourself. I read the reports. You weren’t in the car, Tony got the call, you had your radio on, but he took off before you…”
“Before I got downstairs. If I’d been in the car, he wouldn’t have had the chance to play renegade cop. I knew him well enough to know what he’d do and I ignored my gut… If I’d been in the damn car, he’d have had backup. He wouldn’t have been killed.”
Nikki lowered her eyes. She shook her head slowly. “Things happen for a reason, Kevin. It was his time. He knew the risks, knew better than to drive off and leave you behind. He should have waited for you.”
“And I should have been there sooner… Damn it, there’s no point in rehashing the past.”
She exhaled a resigned sigh. “You’re right. Especially when the future awaits.” Her gaze darted to the stick on the counter.
He released her hand only long enough to reach out and tip her chin up. Her gaze met his. “It’ll be okay.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“Now take a look.”
With shaking hands, she uncovered one end of the long, thin stick. She didn’t have to look for confirmation of what she already knew. They’d created a life. Together they would have to deal with that.
But how? Kevin knew nothing about family, and intimacy had caused him to run far and fast. She couldn’t expect him to welcome this turn of events.
“It’ll be okay,” he said again.
A tear leaked from one corner of her eye. She brushed at the moisture with her sleeve. “Would you stop saying that?” Needing time alone, she scrambled past him, heading through the door and into the living area without looking back.
“Where are you going?” he called after her.
“I have to shower and get some sleep before my shift starts again.” She worked in a frenzy, pausing to pick up stray socks, shoes and her purse.
“We have to talk.”
“Later. First I have a job to do, then I need time to think.”
“About what?”
She whirled around to face him. “That’s a stupid question. You might have figured out I was pregnant yesterday, but I had no idea until two seconds ago. And you ask me what I need to think about?” Her voice rose in pitch and her palms covered her stomach in a new movement, but one she was sure to become intimately familiar with in due time.
“You don’t want to know.” He exhaled hard. “Take the night off.”
“Impossible. I can’t afford it.”
“I can.”
“You’re not responsible for me, Kevin.”
“I promised Tony I’d take care of you and you’re having my child. That makes me responsible.”
She hugged her clothes tight against her chest and met his gaze with a steady one of her own. “That’s what I was afraid of.” Before he could answer, she hit the bathroom running, slamming the door shut behind her.
* * *
Nikki made herself a promise. She’d concentrate on her job tonight, and take tomorrow and Monday, her days off, to deal with the fact that she was pregnant. With Kevin’s baby. A fuzzy warmth curled through her stomach at the thought, one at odds with the truth of her life. She shook her head, refusing to think about him now.
But not thinking of Kevin was like having someone tell you not to think about images of nice things—like weekends, vacations, or summertime. The harder you tried, the more they danced in front of your eyes, teased your senses, and invaded your dreams.
She walked over to her most recent table: men who’d come to the bar for a night on the town. She recognized them as regulars—lawyers who frequented the bar after work and occasionally on the weekends. They knew how to flirt and have a good time, but despite the banter they were harmless. In another life, she might even have been interested.
A life that didn’t include Kevin Manning, maybe.
“Can I get you fellas something?” Nikki asked.
“Nachos and beer.”
“Vodka, straight up.”
“You, honey,” a good-looking blond-haired man said. Leaning back in his chair, he stretched his arm out so his fingers touched her waist. She forced herself to remain in place. The more amiable she was, the better her tip. Right now, she needed all the spare cash she could possibly earn each night.
Besides, this same guy had made overtures before. Her responses had always been the same: a polite but firm no. He expected it and flirted anyway. No harm, no foul, she thought. She could handle him.
She forced a smile. “Sorry. I’m not on the menu,” she said and took a step backward. “But nice try.”
He grinned. “Too bad. We could have a good time.”
No, we couldn’t. Because he wasn’t Kevin. Her heart belonged to Kevin Manning from the minute he’d claimed her as his own. A primitive notion, Nikki knew. But valid anyway.
Too bad he didn’t reciprocate her feelings. Then this pregnancy would be the answer to her prayers. In a funny way, it still was. How could she regret fate, or the life growing inside her
?
Unfortunately, nothing was as simple as she’d like it to be. Which brought her back to her dilemma. No health insurance, no job once she started to show, and no valid means of support or daycare for her child. So much for dealing with tomorrow, Nikki thought.
She made her way back to the bar, following the same routine of previous nights. The pounding beat of rock music combined with the heavy sheen of smoke and the accompanying foul odors of cigars, cigarettes, and liquor worked against her. Nikki picked up the tray of drinks and tried holding her breath until she reached a semblance of fresh air away from the bar. The effort was futile, only serving to make the dizziness and nausea worse.
Good, Lord, why did they call it morning sickness? She paused at the table of men once more to empty her tray and defray another halfhearted attempt to arrange a date. The way things were going, it was destined to be a very long night.
* * *
Kevin stood with his back against the wall, nursing the same soda for the last hour. He didn’t want to call attention to himself by ordering another drink. He told himself he wanted to keep an eye on Nikki in case she had another fainting spell. That was part truth and part bull. He also wanted to keep an eye on the male customers with wandering eyes, roving hands, and too much testosterone. If the blond suit laid another hand on her while she served him his drink, Kevin would dump the guy’s beer in his lap himself.
He told himself he didn’t like seeing any woman harassed. This was true. He’d seen his lecherous father in action too many times, and had dragged his sorry, drunken butt home too often… sometimes before, sometimes after he’d offended the lady in question. But the truth tonight went way deeper than the issue of sexual harassment.
Kevin didn’t want another guy laying a hand on Nikki. She deserved better than Kevin Manning, but she was still carrying his child. That gave him the right to keep her safe.
When he’d let Tony down, Kevin had blown his one mayor responsibility in life. In doing so, he’d proven his drunken father right. Mannings were no good at handling responsibility. For awhile, Kevin thought he’d bypassed the old man’s prediction that the son would turn out no better than the father. Then a bullet had proven the old man right.
He’d followed that mistake by taking solace in Nikki… and ended up letting her down a second time. This child gave him another chance to do something right in his life. He had no idea how to be a parent or a husband. But no way was he about to blow his responsibilities.
Not with this woman. Not again. Just watching her bar routine sent a surge of something raw and primitive flowing through his veins. For the first time since he was an angry kid, he wanted to lash out and hit someone for attempting to take what was his. The thought made him laugh… because Nikki Welles was many things, including pregnant, but she wasn’t his.
FOUR
Three days with no word. Kevin figured he’d given Nikki enough time to digest her situation. She hadn’t called and he hadn’t expected her to. He had, however, had enough of the silent treatment.
He entered the familiar building and walked up the three flights of stairs. The dark stairwell with its many steps was another reason why he wasn’t comfortable with Nikki staying on here after Janine was gone. His rambling house with its many rooms on the ground level would be more comfortable for Nikki. And more difficult for him. Sharing a home with her would give him glimpses of warmth and the illusion of a family… He didn’t deserve either.
He knocked on the door and waited. No answer. Kevin banged again, louder this time. Janine was at work, but Nikki didn’t hold a day job. He’d chosen to arrive before nine, before Nikki would be out for the day. He leaned closer to the door and listened. Still silent. He banged again.
An uncomfortable prickle of fear worked on his nerves. Even if she’d been asleep, his pounding would have awakened her by now. He had no reason to believe anything was wrong… except she’d fainted once before. He had a hunch she wasn’t feeling as well as she claimed. What if she’d gotten dizzy again? What if she’d passed out cold on the floor, or worse, in the shower?
What if, like Tony, she was alone and something was wrong and he was too late? Kevin didn’t hesitate. He jimmied the lock and tore inside the apartment. The empty apartment, he realized as he glanced around and hit every room, checking the beds, the couch, and the floors.
Feeling like a fool, Kevin made his way into the kitchen and lowered himself onto one of the bar stools. He’d obviously overreacted. Though his adrenaline still flowed fast and his heart still pounded against his chest, he forced himself to breathe deeply. Part of him felt like an ass, breaking into the apartment on a whim. And part of him still felt uneasy.
He ran his fingers through his hair, attempting to calm his raging nerves. So Nikki had gone out early. He was sure he could count a number of places open at this hour, but he couldn’t discount the nagging feeling in his gut that something was off.
He looked around the impeccably clean apartment, seeing nothing unusual or out of place. Until his gaze fell to the open telephone book on the kitchen counter.
Planned Parenthood.
His worst fear was confirmed.
When Nikki had found out about the pregnancy, she’d said she needed time to think. Kevin had convinced himself she meant about how to deal with her altered future. But what if she’d spent the weekend thinking about whether she wanted this baby at all? Though Nikki loved life and children, she’d suffered enough in the last few months to have a skewed perception of reality. And the one person she ought to turn to, the baby’s father, had already proved he couldn’t be trusted when things got heated or emotional.
What if, feeling alone and abandoned, she turned to the one option she’d surely regret later? The one option he regretted now? Planned or not, Kevin was responsible for the life growing inside her and he was responsible for Nikki as well.
With a second glance at the phone book and address, in a part of town he would never allow her to frequent alone, he jumped from the stool and left the apartment, hitting the street at a dead run.
* * *
Nikki wrapped the white sheet around her naked body and waited for the doctor’s return. The sterile room felt cold and empty, unlike her heart, which was warm and full of more hope than she’d had in awhile. She pressed a hand against her flat stomach.
A child. Kevin’s child, yes, but it was her baby, her hope. Her future. Once the shock had worn off, she’d examined the difficulties that lay ahead and despite the fear and uncertainty, she acknowledged a flurry of nervous excitement as well.
“Sorry, I had an emergency phone call.” The young female doctor entered the room, wheeling a small machine behind her.
Nikki smiled. “That’s okay. You already gave me the news I was expecting… I mean the news I was expecting to hear.”
The doctor laughed. “Either way, sounds about right to me. Your examination was fine. Nothing unusual. But I’d like to verify the due date and check some other things with an ultrasound.” Nikki wanted to tell her there was no need to worry about the accuracy of her due date. She’d been with one man, one time. And she’d never forget.
“Ready?” the woman asked with a smile.
Nikki was grateful for the doctor’s warm manner and youth. The sheer terror she’d felt upon entering the building for basic prenatal care had evaporated under this woman’s caring ministrations. Although she couldn’t say what she’d expected from a phone book-picked clinic, Nikki was thankful for what she’d found.
The doctor shifted the white sheet until the opening fell to Nikki’s back. “Before I do an ultrasound, I want to remind you, we’ve already discussed your options and though you’ve made your feelings clear, you need to remember something.”
“What’s that?” Nikki asked, although she could barely concentrate on anything except the thought of seeing her baby for the first time. Excitement and trepidation rippled in her stomach.
The doctor angled the machine closer to the examining
table. “You have a limited window of opportunity, should you decide to terminate the pregnancy. Now…” She glanced at Nikki and smiled. “You ready?”
A loud knock sounded at the door. Nikki sat up straighter, grabbing for the sheet that covered too little.
Dr. Molloy shot Nikki an apologetic glance. “Must be an emergency. Let me just check.” She rose from her seat and walked to the door, opening it enough for her to slip outside.
Seconds later, the doctor returned. “There’s someone who insists on seeing you,” she said to Nikki.
“Who…”
“Nicole?” Kevin’s voice sounded in the hallway.
Shock rippled through her. Nikki glanced down at the sheet and, seeing she was as decently covered as she could be under the circumstances, she nodded to the doctor. Kevin barged around the doctor and Nikki found herself facing an obviously upset man.
Dr. Molloy placed herself between Nikki and Kevin, as though she believed Nikki needed protection. Given his flashing obsidian eyes, which would intimidate even on a good day, Nikki didn’t blame the other woman for her concern.
“This is highly irregular,” she said.
This whole situation was highly irregular, but her personal life wasn’t the doctor’s concern. “I realize that,” Nikki murmured.
“Who is this man?”
“He’s…” She sought for a diplomatic way to describe her relationship with Kevin. Somehow the term lover no longer fit, boyfriend was too immature for what they’d once shared, and future anything was out of the question… for many reasons.
“The baby’s father.” Kevin supplied the answer Nikki had both sought and fought to avoid at the same time. His words were a painful reminder she would be tied to him forever, but never bonded in love or caring. Merely out of necessity.
He took a step farther into the room.
“That doesn’t give you the right to charge in here.” The pleasant doctor had taken on the role of guard and protector, a part Nikki sensed the woman played often in this place.
Solitary Man Page 4