No way.
I replayed every second of every detail of Cameron’s mastery, reimaging that delicious pain balanced with pleasure. The richness of ecstasy was too much to endure, and I understood that only with torment could there be a transcendence of mind and body. A freeing of consciousness. Now I understood.
“Sleep, Mia,” he said.
“How do you know I’m still awake?”
“Your breathing.”
I let out a satisfied sigh. “Are you going to sleep?”
“No, I’m going to watch over you while you do.”
“I think you might be the perfect man, Cameron,” I said, smiling.
“I can live with that”
“Humble too.”
“I have my moments.”
“You sure do.”
He chuckled. “I’m just warming up.”
“I was right then.”
“About what?”
“Death by fucking.”
“Interestingly enough, that’s part of the process.”
I turned my head to better look at him.
“The façade that is Mia Lauren is just that, a façade, and I can’t wait for you to let me in.”
I yawned. “I just did.”
“You didn’t, but you will.”
My body became rigid, that veil once more coming down.
“Every part of you is delightful, Mia. Even the conflicted part. The aim is to get you to like it too.” He kissed my shoulder. “Now sleep. I won’t tell you again.”
“Yes, Sir.” I relaxed against him, liking how that word made me feel so safe.
Dozing off, I gave in to the tiredness.
If I dreamed, I didn’t remember it. I did however remember what had unfolded in this room, my sensitized skin an easy reminder. Stirring awake, my muscles ached and my sex throbbed.
Stretching, I was yanked back. The longest chain dangled from my collar and spiraled off down the edge of the bed. Bolting upright, I lifted the chain and gave it a tug. It was attached to the far wall, and though it was long enough to allow me to roam the room it was not long enough to let me leave it.
I leaped off the bed.
Cameron stood a few feet away. “Good, you’re awake.”
“I don’t like it. Take it off.” I tried to reason with my panicked thoughts. This was not happening. “Unlatch it.”
“Why would I want to do that?” he said.
“Because I’m asking you to.” I trotted over to the wall and gave it a firm tug. The thing was welded to the wall.
Holy cow.
Judging from his white shirt and jeans, Cameron had left me sleeping long enough to shower and change. It made me feel grungy. I needed to take a shower. Clean my teeth. I needed to pee.
“I need to freshen up,” I said.
“There’s a bathroom in there.” He pointed.
Fiddling with the collar, my trembling fingers tried to unhook it. I traced the shape of a padlock at the back of it. Out of which came the end of that long chain. “What the fuck is this?”
Cameron looked fierce. “Is this how you greet your master?”
Blood red walls. Cabinets full of instruments of pain. Suspension hooks waiting to capture a submissive and hang her up irrevocably.
I dropped to my knees and lowered my head in submission, waiting for him to unhook me. Resting my palms facing up, I calmed my shaking hands, doing everything in my power to make him believe his mastery was working.
“A lie to oneself,” he said softly, “is the cruelest lie of all.”
“Sir, I submit to you.”
“And a lie to your master brings the harshest of punishments.”
“Lie?”
“Do you belong to me? All of you?”
My head snapped up and I still couldn’t answer.
“Bend over the bed, Mia.” He gestured.
Rising to my feet, I made my way to bend over it, offering my butt to him. My hands reached out to the comforter and gripped it with both hands, trying to steady their trembling.
“Ass higher,” he said.
I curved my spine, showing more of me.
Seconds past, maybe minutes, and then the strike of his hand met my ass with a shocking sting.
I flinched forward. “Thank you, Sir,” I managed, squeezing my eyes shut and trying not to move. Keep it together, Mia, I rallied myself. Just show him you’ll play along. He’ll calm down and before you know it you’ll be wearing a fancy dress he’s picked out for you, sitting opposite him in the dining room, and choosing something you’ve never heard of from a menu.
The slap to my butt was hard and the strikes that followed came fast. Squeezing my eyes shut, I went with him, caught in this slipstream, amazed how even now I enjoyed his touch, his ability to lull me. The spanks sent ripples of pleasure between my thighs, bringing me close.
“Good girl,” he said. “Turn around.”
I stood before him, trying to read his face.
Cameron removed two strands of silk from his pocket.
“Hold your arms out wide.” He used the strips to secure my wrists to either side of the bedposts, tying the knots you’d expect from a consummate master. No way was I getting out of these.
Being bound by this chain and strung up with my arms stretched out wide caused a wave of exhilaration. I was beholden to his aura, his presence vivid and unsettling.
Naked and vulnerable, I watched him stroll over to the other side of the room and grab hold of a chair. He dragged it back and placed it in front of me.
“Now.” He sat and crossed one leg over another. “Let’s begin.” He reached into his inside shirt pocket and removed a notebook and pen.
Oh no, he was going to do this now.
“What do you want to know exactly?” I said, hurrying this along.
“The truth.”
“I’ve always told you the truth.”
“Actually, you’ve skirted it. But you’re forgiven.”
“Maybe it will be easier to open up if Richard’s here?”
His face tensed.
“Sorry,” I said. “I need some fresh air, Sir.”
He looked solemn. “You are not leaving this room until you have shared with me the truth of what happened that morning. Holding onto it is poisoning you.” He swept his hand wide. “None of this would be necessary if you opened up to me.”
My lips trembled.
“Though it may very well be that this event remains subconscious,” he said.
“What does that mean?”
“You are keeping it from me perhaps because the truth remains elusive even to you.”
“What if we can’t find it?”
He placed his pen nib onto his notebook, poised to write. “You told me you’d come to terms with your past. Yet you do not seem to have forgiven yourself for chasing your father away?”
I yanked at my silk restrains. “My dad left me. He walked out on us when we needed him the most.”
Cameron removed a pair of round rimmed glasses and put them on. He looked so devilishly handsome, as though nature had cunningly bestowed him with the upper hand.
He nodded thoughtfully. “This still causes you pain?”
“No shit.”
“Then you lied to me,” he said. “You told me you were over it.”
“What? No, I mean, I am. It’s just that you’re trying to make me feel like it was my fault.”
“I’m merely mirroring what you told me.”
“It’s confusing.”
“How does that make you feel?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know, confused.”
“Confused?”
“I waited every day,” I said. “Expecting him to return. Sometimes I’d play this game where I’d imagine him coming through the door with presents. He’d be pleased to see me and so sorry about all the confusion. And he’d kind of changed. Into someone a little nicer. Like he was happier. Less angry.” The words tumbled out like the darkest confession.
; I waited for Cameron’s reaction.
“Interesting,” he said. “So I understand correctly, you feel guilty over making your father leave?”
My gut wrenched.
And to think he was meant to be a genius doctor.
“Unless I misunderstood what you where saying?” Uncertainty marred his face. “Does guilt not indicate you were at fault?”
“You weren’t there,” I yelled. “I was fourteen! How could I control that? How could I?”
“Explain.”
I glared at him. “They argued all the time. He wanted my mom to stop doing drugs and she wanted him to stop drinking. They blamed each other. He hated the fact that he had to marry her when she got pregnant with me. I overheard him telling my mom that one night.”
Cameron made a note. “Just to clarify, you led them to drink and drugs?”
What the fuck.
“No, I didn’t. They chose to do that. You can’t blame that on me.”
“Yet you do?”
I flinched. “Not like that.”
“Either you do or you don’t.”
“Maybe I had something to do with it. It’s hard to tell.”
“Something to do with it?”
“Sometimes they seemed unhappy when I was around.”
“What were you doing to make them unhappy?”
“Just hanging out. I don’t know.”
“Were you rebellious?” he asked.
“No.”
“You merely breathed in the same space, I take it?”
“Yes.” I hissed at him. “Cameron, I don’t like this. Please untie me.”
“You mentioned overhearing your parents arguing about you? How did that make you feel?”
“Did you really study at Harvard?” I snapped. “I’m fucking naked.”
“Yes, I was valedictorian of my class.” He raised his pen. “You are naked before me. Hence, you are naked before me. See how that works?”
“No, actually. This seems very unprofessional.”
“That kind of professional doesn’t work with you, Mia.” he said. “Though I am willing to send you to yet another therapist to prove my point.”
“Let’s do that. How about booking me in this afternoon?”
I wondered if Richard and the girls knew that Cameron’s techniques were this messed up. I had willingly stepped right into this fucked-up fuckery.
He peered at me from over his professorial glasses. “We were discussing your sparring parents and their grand ability to triangulate.”
What did that mean?
“Apparently.” He made a note. “You became their victim because they were not brave enough to face off with each other.”
“I was caught in the middle.”
“Undoubtedly. Answer me this, what kind of man turns away from his only child when she needs him the most?”
“I don’t know.”
“What kind of man?”
Tears welled. “It wasn’t my fault.”
Our eyes locked and I felt within the releasing of this dreadful tethering. “It wasn’t my fault.” Only this time I believed it.
Cameron rose and came towards me, untying the straps and wrapping his arm around my waist.
“I’m not to blame,” I whispered, holding onto him and burying my face against his chest, my tears wetting his shirt.
“Subconscious,” he whispered. “Did you hear that?” He rested his chin on my head. “Not to blame.”
After I collapsed against him, he lifted me up and nudged me back to sit on the edge of the bed.
Cameron sat beside me and kissed my cheek. “Now, let’s continue.”
I looked up at him. “I think you found it. My shadow thingy.”
“That wasn’t it, Mia.” He wiped away one of my rogue tears. “Your shadow complex is very predictable. It offered up an obvious truth in hope that we’d believe that was it. A clever distraction. Self-preservation is the greatest instinct of the mind.”
“What are you saying?”
“How about I go and get you something to eat?” he said. “It’s best we settle in. Looks like it’s going to be a while before we illuminate the anomaly.”
“It was my mother’s death,” I stuttered. “I admit it. It’s obvious, now that I come to think of it.”
“Ah, the final flailing of the psyche.” He pressed his hand to his chest. “My ego is wounded.”
“There’s nothing else to say.”
“Other than the truth.”
“Sir, have you ever spoken to another therapist about your technique?”
“Why yes, Dr. Raul and I went over your case.”
“No, I mean did you tell her about this room? This chain? About keeping me locked up in here?”
“She expressed her intrigue.”
“She didn’t try to stop you?”
“And prevent us finding a solution? Goodness, no.”
“Can I come with you?” I said. “Pick out something to eat?”
“No, my darling. Your homework is self-exploration. And in here you’ll have no choice but to go within.”
My mouth felt dry. “How long will I have to stay in here?” I tugged on the chain. “Like this?”
“That, my sweet Mia, is totally up to you.” He paused by the door.
A sob caught in my throat. “What if it fails?”
“My profile of you indicates otherwise,” he said. “It’s not only guilt you feel.”
“How do you know?”
“I see it in your eyes.”
I slinked down on the edge of the bed, my head bowed, this chain clinking around me. “Yeah, it’ll be interesting to watch you work out what I’m feeling exactly.”
“You just showed me.”
“Showed you what?”
“Your shame.”
I scowled at him. “For what?”
“For what you believe was an unconscionable act.”
He left me alone in the dungeon.
CHAPTER 21
HE FED ME chocolate covered strawberries—
In reward for me ceasing my screaming. I’d attacked where the chain met the wall with my heel, trying to dig out the hook. Until he confiscated my shoes.
This red walled dungeon became my safe dwelling. These matching lace bra and panties were my only clothes.
Together we sat on the four poster bed with me leaning up against the headboard, and him in front of me with his legs crossed, in the lotus position, bringing the rich fruit to my lips. I licked chocolate off his fingertips.
Cameron wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and tugged it around my body, and if it wasn’t for this long chain dangling from my neck, we could have been two lovers wasting the day away talking and snuggling.
If he really did believe I’d committed an unconscionable act, he didn’t show it. The affection he lavished made me feel more like I was someone who deserved to be pampered.
Throughout the days that followed, Cameron fed me each meal, whether it was the Italian dish the chef had cooked up or the crepes for breakfast. He bathed me in the shower, dressed me, held me when I cried, and wrapped his arms around me. He pleasured me too, taking his time to see I came frequently, providing orgasms that stole my breath and brought us closer.
His only stipulation was I wasn’t allowed to touch him. This was the worst punishment of all. I longed to run my hands over his body, touch his face, grip him when I came, but I wasn’t allowed.
Whenever I faulted and forgot this rule, I was punished with the lick of leather. When I endured my discipline well, I was rewarded with pleasure.
How quickly the mind adjusts and accepts that which it cannot change, soon learning the futility of rebellion.
Still, pushing back was all I knew.
“I have a gift for you,” he said, reaching over for the wrapped present.
I ripped off the paper and held up the book. “Goddesses: Mysteries of the Feminine Divine?”
“Joseph Campbell,” he said.
“Why are you giving me this?”
“It’s an important book,” he said. “Once you’ve finished reading this one, I’ll bring you another.”
“How long do you intend to keep me in here?”
He raised my chin and kissed my mouth, nipping my lower lip.
Minutes turned into hours, and days into an unfolding of sharing with him all that had happened in my childhood, every detail, every moment relayed with the passion of one who’d lived it. Hoping that at any moment he’d be satisfied I’d spilled enough.
Hours unraveled.
I read the books he bought me and we discussed what I’d learned, and I marveled that I could still smile, or laugh, or find him endearing.
Despite everything.
Until my need to purge the rest of it became too great.
“I’m ready to tell you,” I said. “It was the morning of my mother’s death.” I readied for his reaction. “I fell asleep, while she lay dying on the floor.”
His expression remained serene. “That’s hardly a sin.”
“I wasn’t there to help my mom when she needed me.” I confessed my terrible truth. “I was in the bathroom.”
“Someone else was in the house?” he whispered.
“My mom’s dealer.”
Cameron looked thoughtful. “See, that wasn’t so bad, now was it?”
“I couldn’t help her.” My fingers scrunched up the blanket, kneading the material.
“What else do you remember?”
“It’s all a bit of a haze.” I rubbed my arm, a familiar ache taking me back to that day.
“A blur of memories?” He glanced at my right arm.
“Yes.”
“Ethan’s coming over tonight for drinks,” he said. “Dominic will bring you your meal.”
“Can I leave now?”
He scratched his head. “Something’s not adding up.”
“What are you talking about?”
Had he any idea how hard it had been for me to tell him that?
“Any requests?” he said flatly.
“What for?”
He slid off the bed. “Dinner?”
That was it. I’d lost him. Turned him away from me so swiftly that everything we’d shared, everything we’d planned to do here, was now meaningless.
“You hate me, don’t you?” I whispered.
“Hate is a very strong word.”
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