He finally let go of me and turned around. “You should go.”
I didn’t move. “No. I’m not leaving this time. I’m not leaving until we fix all of this.”
“If I tell you the truth will you go?”
“What truth?”
“You’re right, I am lying to you.” Jax turned around and glanced at me. “It wasn’t just me that told my brother to let you go. It was our father. He basically said that if Jake continued to be involved with you he wouldn’t have a house to come home to.”
“What?” I backed away.
“Jake didn’t a have choice. I think that’s why I can’t get over this. I know how he still feels about you.”
“I don’t understand. How could you know that?”
“Because I know what it’s like to lose the person you love. You don’t really get over it. You want to, but you can’t.”
My hands covered my face. Nothing could have prepared me for that. While I stood all alone losing control, Jax continued.
“The truth hurts worse doesn’t it? I thought about telling you the other night, but I was pretty buzzed, and really couldn’t believe you were actually back in my room.”
I wiped off my face, determined to hold my ground. “Jax, I don’t expect you to do me favors. I certainly don’t deserve your friendship, but I need your help. I desperately need you to help me.”
I was begging, pleading, doing anything in my power to reach out to Jake, even if I had to go through Jax to do it.
“Reese, it’s not going to happen.”
“You don’t even know what I’m going to say.”
“Yeah, I do. I’m the only person standing in the way, and I want it that way, not because I’m trying to manipulate you, but because I don’t think either of you deserve to be together. It’s not just that though. I can’t spend every holiday with the two of you. I can’t be around that shit.”
I hadn’t thought about what it could do to Jax long-term. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“Reese, I’m sorry. If it was anyone else in the world I’d help you. I just refuse to help you get Jake. I’m not a bad guy. I’m angry, bitter, resentful, and still pissed, but I’m not a bad guy.”
I tried to smile. He was doing the best he could to be kind to me, even though helping me find a resolution was out of reach. Jax longed to find peace, and that was something I’d never be able to give him. It was time for me to go. My visit had cost me a ton of progress. I’d taken one step forward and forty steps back.
I reached out to touch Jax. “I’m sorry too. I’m sorry we can’t be friends, because I miss you very much. I’d do anything to go back and fix that part of our relationship.”
“What’s done is done.”
My throat burned when I attempted to ask him one more question. “Will you ever forgive us?”
He sighed heavily and stared into my eyes. The moment was intense. “I hope so. I really do. I mean, we’ll never be best friends again, but I’d like to be happy to see you, both of you.”
I held a friendly grimace. “I’ll always care about you, Jax. I hope you’re able to heal.”
When I started to leave the room he called after me. “Reese, wait!”
I turned and gave him my attention.
“I hope you have a good life.”
I couldn’t reply. Speaking had become impossible. It hurt me too much. All I wanted to do was run away from everything, but I had nowhere to go.
Part 2
Jax
What they did to me couldn’t be erased.
My trust was gone.
Our friendships were destroyed.
Yet I still loved them.
I loved both of them so fucking much that it was tearing me apart. Being around Reese only proved how much I hadn’t gotten over her. Her pleas for me to help her weren’t going to be answered, but I did feel terrible for lying to her at first about Jake. My brother could be a shallow prick when he wanted, but he never would have gone after her if it wasn’t love.
Reese’s visit left me with a lot to think about. I knew right from wrong, and it was very obvious I needed to stop dwelling on things I couldn’t change. Life is what one makes it, and I was sitting in limbo, restless and violent, unable to come to grips with how things ended up.
My ride to the farm went by fast, because of how much was on my mind. When I pulled in and saw my brother’s old truck I knew he’d be around somewhere. Every time I visited he stayed away, probably out in the barn, or over our sister’s house. My mom had mentioned that he was spending a lot of time with our niece Sarah. Maybe it was because she was too young to pass judgment on him.
He was the person I needed to locate first. It was important to be able to look my brother in the eyes when we spoke.
Luckily he was in the entertainment barn, sitting on the couch drinking a beer, with his leg elevated. “You look like shit,” I said as I entered.
“I feel like it.”
“I thought it was healed?”
He sat down the can. “Yeah, well I fell down the damn steps last night at Bella’s house. I fucked something up, but I ain’t going back to the doctor’s office just yet.” He motioned toward me. “What brings you here? You coming to gloat about my miserable predicament?”
“Not exactly.” I stumbled with finding the right way to come out with what I wanted to say to my brother. “I saw Reese. Actually I saw her twice.”
Jake looked away. Through the tremendous amount of stubble on his face I could tell he was clenching his jaw.
“Jake, we need to talk.”
He picked up his beverage and downed the rest of it. “There’s nothing left to say.”
“She looks good.” I don’t know why I’d said it. I think I wanted to get under his skin, if only for a second. He couldn’t have all the glory in this situation.
“Good for her. Like I said before, I don’t want to talk about her.”
His reluctance only let me know he wasn’t done with Reese, not by a long shot. “I told her I still loved her.”
Jake looked in another direction to avoid me seeing his despair.
“We fucked like rabbits.”
“Enough, Jax. I gave her up. I did what you said. Don’t you fucking come here and do this to me.”
“I’m only playing, bro. We didn’t fuck, although she was in my room. It just so happens that she saved me from a bar fight and took my ass home so I didn’t have to drive last week. Then last night she stopped by to give me a piece of her mind.”
“Why would she do that?” He quietly questioned.
“She said I’m pathetic. That’s it imperative you and I make amends.”
Jake shook his head and covered his face with his hands.
“She told me everything. I know about the whole week you spent together.”
“I’ve already said how sorry I was for that.” He refused to look up.
“I might have mentioned that I wasn’t the only one keeping the two of you apart. She knows about dad’s threats.”
My brother turned and looked hurt. “Why would you do that? You should have just let it go. She needs to move on.”
I moved closer to my brother so that when I spoke he’d be sure to hear me clearly. “I didn’t come here to boast.”
“Why are you here?”
“We can’t keep going like this. I’m angry and then I’m hurt. You’re angry and then you’re hurt. She’s angry and then she’s hurt. Do you see the fucking pattern? We’re stuck on repeat and nothing’s going to change unless we do something about it.”
“If you came here to make peace with me, you’ve got a fucked up way of showing it, Jax.”
I looked at my brother, at all of his flaws, at all of his mistakes, and at how he’d become so lifeless. At the end of the day he’d always be my brother. That fact could never change, even if I pretended it did. No matter how angry or devastated I still was, I couldn’t deny that I loved him. “She still loves you, Jake.”<
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“Fuck off!” He began to stand up and hobble toward the door.
“If you could be with her again, if nothing was standing in your way, would you be able to make her happy? Would you never take her for granted, and have no regrets about the choices you made to make her yours?”
“Jax, I won’t answer that.”
“I need you to. I need you to look me in the eyes and answer it.”
“I regret what I did to you. That’s all I’m going to say.”
“Damn, would you just answer the fucking question. Don’t make me beat the shit out of you again.”
Jake sat back down while laughing. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I got a few good blows in.”
“Do you remember when we were kids and we wanted that hedgehog? We made that pinky promise that if we got it we’d share it. It was cool for a few weeks, but then we lost interest. It doesn’t really matter who forgot to do what, but dad gave it to some other kid when he felt like it was about to die from malnourishment.”
“What the hell are you getting at?”
“Just let me roll with this. There will eventually be a point.” I requested.
“Whatever. Carry on with your bullshit.”
“We got punished to teach us a lesson, but you went to dad and took the blame. You made up some story how you’d promised to take care of the hedgehog for one month and I’d have the next. He let me off the hook and even apologized to me for being harsh.”
“So what? We were kids. There was no sense on us both going down.”
“That’s not the only time it happened. What about the time I was flunking math? You cut your hair like mine and went to my class for a whole month, while still keeping up with your own workload, all so I wouldn’t be benched. I got to be in your gym class while you worked your ass off.”
“We were a team on that field, Jax. I couldn’t play without you.”
I looked down at my hands. “Yeah, I get that. What about when we lost our virginity?”
“Oh come on. We were thirteen. Who cares about that now?”
“I do,” I said confidently. “I care about that shit.”
“Those girls were going to give it up anyway. After they stole that whiskey from their parent’s liquor cabinet there was nothing they wouldn’t have done.”
“Yeah, but you let me have the hot one. She was into you, but we switched shirts so she wouldn’t know the difference.”
“So what? We both lasted two minutes. It probably doesn’t even count.”
“You got stuck with the chubby one, who had more metal in her mouth than teeth. Just thinking about that chick makes my skin crawl. You made a lot of sacrifices for me, Jake. I’ve been stubborn. I know you’ve never done anything to hurt me, not before this all happened with Reese.” I looked over and smiled when our eyes met. “I figure I owe you one.”
“You don’t owe me shit. I made my bed, and got exactly what I deserve. End of the story.”
I stood up and walked in front of my brother. I placed my head down against his. “I want all the credit for what happens next, Jake. You’re my brother, and I will love you the most for as long as I’m breathing. You’ve always protected me, and helped me be a better person. You’ve taken the fall for me, and taught me to stand up for what I want. I do owe you, even if I’m pissed about it. I can’t forgive you, and I don’t know if that will ever happen, but I’m making the choice to do something about it. You can’t sit here and be a lazy bitch. You need to get your ass up and get back out there. Remember that when I’m gone.”
I pulled away and ambled toward the exit. “Jax, wait! Where are you going? Don’t do something stupid, man. Come back and talk about this.”
I kept moving. By the time he caught up I’d already have sealed my fate. There was no turning back now. He still loved her and I couldn’t deny that he was falling apart without her. As difficult as it was, I knew what was necessary.
My parents were sitting in the kitchen eating lunch. They stopped and looked up when I entered the room. “Hey.”
“Jax. What are you doing here?” My dad asked.
“I came here to talk to Jake, and you. There’s something you need to know, and I couldn’t tell you over the phone.”
Saying goodbye to my parents wasn’t as hard as my brother. I think they saw it coming, even if they were too upset to admit it.
Jake and I had worked our whole lives for a common goal. We’d made great achievements, but that run was over. He’d never play ball again, and I knew being on that field without him would be a constant struggle; one I wouldn’t be able to handle.
When I left the farm I was content with my decision for the first time in as long as I could remember. I hadn’t forgiven my brother, but we were at peace. I’d say goodbye to the rest of the family before I left. Maybe some day I could come back and share in that life we’d always dreamed of. For now the wound was still oozing. I didn’t know if it would ever heal, so keeping my distance was the only solution. I’d give up my life in North Carolina for my brother’s happiness. It was now up to him to go after what he wanted.
Part 3
Jake
Three weeks ago my brother decided that it was time for a change. Since his visit, he’d been making arrangements to spend his summer in Kentucky. Even though he hadn’t mentioned it to my parents, I had this feeling he didn’t have plans on coming back. With a possible football career on the line I hoped that he’d change his mind before August, when practice started back up.
In lieu of him leaving, my parents decided to throw him a going away party in order to lighten up his spirits and possibly ours too. Everyone had been walking on eggshells, avoiding the topic of it being my fault that all this was happening. I didn’t care. I knew I was to blame, and that my brother leaving would always be my burden.
Once my leg had healed for the second time, I was able to get around better. While Jax was in class taking final exams, I was busy driving a combine, making sure that our crops were maintained. I didn’t mind working on the farm that much. I’d been taught from a young age how everything went, knowing one day my brother and I would take over the family business together.
Now all that had changed. We weren’t the same people as we were before Reese came into our lives. Our bond was broken. Jax had put up a wall and I feared he’d never let it down, not for me.
With the going-away party being held in the entertainment room of the large barn, I helped my dad and uncle setting up tables to seat all of us that would be eating. It wasn’t a big ordeal. My grandparents, immediate family, and Uncle Conner’s crew would be in attendance. I hated the fact that they all knew my business, and what I’d done to Jax. I felt like everywhere I turned they were giving me dirty looks and saying things behind my back. Even my cousin Cassie made it a point to tell me I was a pig, and that I deserved to have my dick chopped off. After her comment I stayed away from Sunday dinners, making a plate and eating it alone to avoid everyone.
With the grill fired up, and the smell of meat barbequing in the air, I walked inside of my parent’s house and headed in the direction of my room. Once Jax got there I’d make an appearance. Nobody would care if I wasn’t around anyway.
I passed by my brother’s bedroom door and found myself wanting to go inside. He thought he was slick keeping the door locked, but I knew he hid the little key in a candle holder that was in the hallway. Entering his room gave me an immediate sad discontent feeling. He hadn’t lived at home in a while, but yet everything was the same as he’d left it. His bed linens were pulled down, and there was a basket of clean clothes at the foot. I sat down on his mattress and looked around at all the trophies and memories we’d shared together. He had a frame of us when we shot our first bucks, and then there was one of us on four-wheelers one Thanksgiving. In the corner of his mirror was a picture from Noah’s wedding. I hadn’t even known he had a copy of it. Jax and I stood together, while Reese was on the other side of him.
I walked over and took the
picture into my hand, needing to get a better look at how happy we all seemed to be. Even though I was already in love with her, things were better back then. Back then I had my priorities straight. I thought nothing would ever come between us, not even Reese.
While I traced the photo I heard someone laughing. In the doorway was Jax. He had his arms crossed. “What the fuck are you doing, dude? Are you in here crying already? I haven’t even left yet.”
“I’m not crying, I corrected.
Jax walked up and took the picture out of my hand. He looked down at it and then handed it back to me. “I forgot this was here. You should keep it. I don’t need any reminders of that part of my life.”
“Jax…”
“Don’t. I didn’t come here to fight with you. I came here to say goodbye to everyone I care about.”
“I want you to come back, bro. Don’t ruin your life because of something I did. You need to keep playing football. It’s what you love.”
He looked down. “I wish you knew how hard this was for me, Jake. I wish you knew what it was like to wake up in that room everyday and see nothing but an empty bed. Sometimes I feel like calling you and telling you how much you suck as a brother. I know it hasn’t always been bad, but this one instance feels like it cancels all the others out. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t want that picture of the three of us. In that picture you were my best friend. I can’t take that with me, not anymore. We’ll never be able to get that back.” Jax looked down and sniffled. In that moment I knew he was getting upset. “You’re my brother, my flesh and blood, but we’re not friends. And because of that, I can’t stay, even if I want to. As far as football goes, we’ll see. I think I just need some distance to be able to think clearly. Does that make sense?”
I nodded. “Of course it does.”
Jax walked over to me and placed his hand on my shoulder. For a moment he did nothing, so I pulled him into a much needed hug, “I’m going to miss the shit out of you, Jax.”
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