My head is… throbbing. That has to be the right term. This is just how Gavin described it. I feel like there is a blacksmith in my head pounding away at a sheet of metal.
Wait—feel. I feel…
I jump up to my feet. “Owwww!” Bending at the waist, I try to lean over in time as vomit falls from my mouth to the ground. Quick movements are not a wise decision right now. Every single part of me aches. I straighten up again, wiping my mouth with my arm, despite my body screaming at me to curl back up on the ground. I take a step to the right- bang! My toe hits a flat vertical surface and immediately heat surges through my body and I think the vomit is rising again. What may have been a minor bump feels as though I kicked the side of a steel train as the pain shoots up through my knee, making each nerve vibrate in reaction.
I reach out my hands and feel another cold surface- similar to what I was just laying on. Using my hands only as a guide, I feel my way in a circle, then once again just to make sure I did not miss anything. All around me are flat surfaces. It’s like I’m in a box.
I blink several times and rub my eyes with my hands, desperately trying to see anything at all. As the shapes in the distance begin to come into focus, I recognize that I’m in the middle of Road D. Up ahead slightly to my left is the Levels 5-9 Home and to my right is the Levels 14-17 Home. I turn around and see the maintenance building to one side and one of the steel sheds to the other side. The only light is coming from the Lightstones and no one is around. It must be Sleeping Hours right now.
This doesn’t make any sense. I can’t see any walls in front of me but I can feel them. I have to be dreaming. I’ve never had a dream before where I’m in Impetus. I’m always somewhere else, running from something. This time nothing is chasing me- at least not yet- and I’m stuck.
Trying to not touch the pile of vomit on the floor, I feel my way to what seems like a corner. I slide my body down to the floor, and tuck my head under my chest, pulling up the fabric of my dress to cover my nose from the smell. I tuck my wrist monitor in my dress to try to drown out the beeping. I just need to fall asleep again. I will wake up and this will all be gone.
***
When I awake, my first thought is about how I didn’t dream. For the past twelve years, I have always dreamt when I sleep. Usually within seconds of reaching consciousness, I’m able to immediately analyze the decisions I make and compare them to what’s occurred in all the other dreams. I force my mind to think back to what it could have been. Maybe I just can’t remember the dream. Then I think about the box, the vomit, being trapped down Road D in Impetus. I did dream after all.
Except then my skin tingles as though awakening with my mind and I can feel the cold surface of the wall graze my upper back and push through the fabric on my dress to the rest of my body. As the smell of vomit flurries to my nose, I know right away, that wasn’t a dream I had. It was reality. It is reality. The increasingly fast beeping of my wrist monitor is another reminder. Nevertheless, I don’t want to open my eyes to confirm it. I squeeze them shut even harder, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge any of this and pleading with myself to fall asleep again instead.
As the rest of me rebels against my desire, the pounding of my head once again arises and the unbearable pain seems to glide through the rest of me, inch by inch, setting every nerve and muscle on fire. Soon, I can’t take it anymore and push my body back up the wall until I’m in standing position once again.
Opening my eyes, I blink feverishly to get my vision to focus, and slowly the images in front of me are revealed. There are people walking on all sides of me, hurrying to get to the Homes or their jobs. I recognize a couple of the gardeners and a few others that work in the cooperatives.
I pound on the surface of the wall. ”Help! Somebody help!” I croak out. No one even looks in my direction, though. They continue to scurry by, either completely oblivious to me or purposely ignoring my call for help.
Turning around in circles, my hands scramble all along the walls as though there was some hope for an opening. The view is crystal clear but I can only take a few steps one way or another before running into an invisible wall. It is a box… a glass box. I can see everyone else but no one seems to see me.
Looking up, the blue sky is wide open above me and looks completely inviting as though I could somehow reach it if I just tried. I bend my knees and jump up, my finger tips grazing what can only be an undetectable ceiling. Landing hard on my already aching joints, I fall to the ground, my left arm landing in the pile of vomit that has dried slightly, caking my wrist monitor and hand.
I reluctantly get back up to my feet and wipe my arm against my dress to try to clean it off. My body is telling me to give up; my mind is telling me there has to be a way out of this damn thing.
Standing back up, I strike the walls with my fists on every side of the box in efforts to stay optimistic that one of the people walking past can hear me. But no one even turns their head. My hands soon reach the same equality of pain as the throbbing in my head and my knees. I sink back down to the floor and feel as though the world is brusquely spinning. Somehow I was put into this so there has to be a way out of it too.
I focus on taking deep breaths and let them out one by one. It’s hard to steady my breathing when I hear the beeping of my wrist monitor growing in intensity. Before looking at it again, I instinctively know the light has changed from yellow to orange. I have never seen the orange color before. The part of my mind that seeks knowledge is slightly in awe, and prideful of seeing something that so few other people have ever seen before. I want to stay on this side of my mind because it’s making the best out of this situation. However, logic and fear- this is definitely fear- is a blaring voice that seems to be painfully suffering yet loud enough where I can’t ignore it. I need Remedy, it says. I’m going to die if I don’t get it.
Frantically shaking and tearing at my clothes and hair, I imagine that a pill will fall out. Unfortunately nothing actually does. There’s never been a need to carry Remedy pills as cube dispensers were always close by. I take my finger, pulling it through the dried up vomit heap for remnants of a pill taken early. Nothing. I am desperate. I would do anything.
I continue to pound on the walls from my position on the ground and scream until my voice completely disappears into a raspy cough. “Somebody help me. Please help me. I am going to die. People are walking all around me and they are going to let me die. Please. Please help me.”
I see Mr. Frank come out from the maintenance building with a brown paper sack in his right hand and a box in the other. For a moment, it’s as though he’s looking right into my eyes. He can see me, I’m sure of it!
“Mr. Frank! Mr. Frank!” I try to cry out but my voice is too hoarse and my throat burns like I swallowed fire.
He stands there, and for a split second it looks as though there are tears filling his eyes. Mr. Frank always has a big smile on his face but in this moment, he looks sad. If emotions existed for him, that’s what would be reflected- utter sorrow. I’m glad he can’t feel. I detect sadness as one of the many emotions that are washing over me and I would hate for someone so kind to feel this too.
Someone calls to him from a distance and he lifts his hand up and jaunts over to them. As Mr. Frank walks by me, I am pleading for him to look into my eyes. “Please look over. I need you to see me. To rescue me.” But he doesn’t. He looks straight ahead at the person who called his name. Then he disappears from my sight.
I lean my forehead against the wall and melt even deeper into the floor. My face feels… I don’t know. I put my fingers to my cheeks and pull them away. There is water on them. My face is wet. These are tears. I must be crying. It was probably my own tears that made me imagine seeing them in Mr. Frank’s eyes.
I feel my body begin to shake and I have trouble catching my breath. I am going to die. As I lay on the ground, I can see the feet of people in the community walk right on by. All I want is for someone to see me.. for someone to help me.
***
My eyes flicker open to the sun casting down through the box on my face. I am not sure how long I have been asleep. The beeping noise is still consistent with no disruption, a fast reminder this isn’t a dream. I slowly sit up as my stomach churns. I am so exhausted. Every part of me throbs and aches. There’s no part of me that’s separate from another. I can’t tell what’s what. I just feel like one solid excruciating pulse.
Dreadfully, I lift my eyes and survey the scene around me with a slight tilt of my head. People are still passing by with no glance in my direction. I lean my head against the wall behind me. I need Remedy. I need this to all be taken away. If this is how people in The Before felt, I am so glad that they took away the feelings. I am so relieved that they found Remedy. I wish I could tell Gavin this.
Gavin. Oh, how I miss him. Suddenly, one ache stands out from the rest and it seems deep within me in a spot that I’ve never recognized before. I need him. He would save me. I don’t know if he’ll notice if I’m gone. Maybe he thinks I’m simply Paired now and no longer able to see him. He would rescue me if he knew I was gone. But if no one else can see me, I don’t know how he’d ever be able to find me. It’s impossible.
The pain is escalating. I try to turn my head away from my body as more vomit escapes my lips. My body begins violently shaking as I heave repeatedly. I touch my hair. It’s wet. Moving my hand down my throat to my arms, I realize my whole body feels wet. The beautiful green dress is now completely damaged, saturated with dark spots that cover it and threads that poke out.
I lay my head back on the ground. I can’t tell if I am laying in the vomit and I don’t care. I’m not able to care. I feel so weak and hopeless. I don’t know who put me here or if they plan to get me out.
***
Hours pass but I am not sure how many. I gaze above with lifeless open eyes as the sun disappears and the sky slowly becomes darker. I have tuned out the beeping on my monitor but the red glow is hard to ignore. We were warned about the red glow. I know death is not far away. I mull over who would kill me and why they would put me in the middle of the community to do so. It’s a pointless inner monologue, though. I am going to die without having any answers. I wish I could see Gavin one last time.
***
I wake up coughing. The sky is now completely dark. I don’t know how long I have been in this box. I have trouble opening my eyes all the way and I have no strength to sit up. I hear a faint sound. It’s the first noise I’ve heard at all since being here. I can’t decipher what it is. My eyes droop shut once more.
***
I am running in a new forest. I’ve never seen this one before and I’m not sure how to navigate it. The trees are much thinner and there are many more of them. Every few steps it looks like I am going to run into one but then it will disappear. I run and run for what seems like hours.
At last I am in a clearing with the sun shining down on my face. This is the same field that knows me well- just the other end of it. I’ve never been on this side. Looking down, I see the brown smooth path below my feet. This is the one that Gavin was last standing on, trying to get me to come follow him. Although Gavin doesn’t look to be around this time. A little further up to the right is the back end of the massive tree that I always see. I am in awe of it from this perspective. It looks a little darker, some of the leaves a bit browner as though the sun doesn’t get to this side as much as the other. It is still somehow absolutely beautiful. I don’t see the man in the tree either.
An earsplitting noise makes me jump. Up ahead, the train is plowing through the other forest. It is knocking down the trees in bulks, proving nothing at all will stand in its way. I run again with the train’s screaming whistles an intense warning of the danger that’s coming. I set out to run back in the forest I came from.
My heart begins beating faster as I can already feel the heat of the train. I glance one more time behind me and see that it has gained ground quicker than ever before. I take a sharp turn to my left, as the thin trees stand tall like an army that’s there to protect me.
As I hoped, the edge of the woods isn’t too far away so I dart to the cliff’s edge. Without a second’s hesitation, I jump over it. The water splashes all around me as I cannonball in and sink further and further into the lake. Water fills my mouth and nose as I drift to the bottom.
“Evangeline, can you hear me? Evangeline, wake up.” A familiar voice calls out to me.
I can’t see very far in the white cloudy water so reach out my hands to try to find the source of the voice. I touch something that feels soft but covered with rough prickles.
“Open your eyes. Wake up. Evie, wake up.” A warm hand touches my face and it feels as though I’m being delicately pushed back up to the top of the lake. Slowly I am being lifted out of the water.
My eyes open and I begin coughing in efforts to spit out any water I swallowed. Attempting to sit up, an arm wraps around my shoulders, cradling me. I lift my head and see the light blue eyes that I know so well.
“Gavin.” I choke out but the sound is barely audible.
“Shush. Just be quiet for a little bit.” He pulls me close to him as the woodchips, fire, and soap combination aroma surrounds me. I breathe in his scent and instantly feel calmer. A comforting warmth fills my body. Gavin is here. Everything will be all right.
CHAPTER 19
I have returned to the middle of the field. Gavin is waving his hands from the trail to my right as the unknown man is standing on the edge of the cliff to my left. I know I have to get to the tree this time. I’ve seen every other option. This one has been the most difficult to get to.
I dash to the cliff, running as fast as I can. “No!” I hear Gavin shout but I keep going, trying hard to block out his insistent cries. As I reach the base, I begin the ascent up, using the man’s extended arm as my focal point and motivation. Ever thing in me is screaming that I need to get to him.
This time, there’s no sliding rocks, no slipping steps. I make it up the cliff quickly and latch my hand to the man’s. His hand tightens against mine as tingles shoot throughout my body. I watch the muscles in his arm protrude as his grip gets stronger and he pulls me up over the edge of the cliff. I land on my knees and hands, panting, feeling as though the wind was completely knocked out of me.
Once I catch my breath, I look up. The sun has shifted behind the trees, the limbs blocking its sharp glares and I finally see the face that has been shadowed in my dreams for way too long. Liam. Those eyes, with the long lashes and hint of green that outline the brown, more similar to mine than anyone else I’ve ever met. He is smiling and reaches out one more time to help me stand to my feet.
I discover that I don’t want to let go of his hand. I want to trace every part of it, feeling the creases, the veins, as though somehow that would tell me more about him. When he lets go of me, I’m disappointed and contemplate slipping just so he will reach out for me again.
Instead, he gives a slight wave, wordlessly telling me to follow him as he walks towards the tree. My awe of him instantaneously transfers to the tree. Seeing it up close is even more surreal than my view from under the cliff. Every part of it is absolutely magnificent. The bark of the trunk is dark and stained, lines twisted throughout showing signs of age and wisdom yet still incredibly youthful as a whole. Each limb seems to extend for miles and though thin, the strength of them is apparent as though each one could carry the weight of the world for centuries to come. The leaves were flawlessly heart shaped with white swirls dancing in the soft deep green beds. It was perfect and I would be content staring at it, taking in its beauty for days to come.
Liam points up, deep in the tree several feet away from one side of the trunk. Squinting, I eventually can see the outline of a person. Within an instant, the full picture comes into view revealing a beautiful woman with a tiny nose, long, straight auburn hair and big brown eyes rocking a baby in her a
rms. The woman’s legs are dangling over the edge of a limb, swaying together to a song that I can scarcely hear her humming. The baby is wrapped in a blue blanket, its face hidden from my view.
Liam doesn’t need to say it. I know this is his wife and child. It is my reminder that he has a family already, and I don’t have a place in his life. Liam holds up a finger as to say “hold on” and walks back to the direction we came from.
I return my eyes back to the vision above me. There was something so incredibly serene about seeing a mother with her baby. Maybe one of the most stunning yet completely average sights I’ve ever seen before.
All of a sudden, an eerie silence crosses the air. There was always a slight rustling sound of the leaves as faint gusts of wind would blow through them. Now everything abruptly stops. The woman’s hum is all that remains. The green leaves above me turn brown and crackle, falling down from the limbs of the tree. The ground beneath my feet crumbles in peices and I watch in horror as the ocean seems to rush in, licking up the rocks as though starving and ravenous for more.
I fall, pushing myself back on my hands and feet as the ground continues to crumble. A large splintering sound pierces the sky. As though slow motion, a portion of the tree’s massive trunk breaks off from the rest, the limbs trembling with fear as they take a dive into the ocean following the cliff’s path of erosion. On one of those limbs sits Liam’s wife and baby, her face still somehow remaining serene as they tumble in the air, mixing with broken limbs into the water. The broken trunk piece lands on them with a loud thud as it hits the water, pushing them to the bottom of the lake.
I hang over the newly created cliff, trying to reach out to them, trying somehow to help them. My mouth is open but no sound is coming out. I look over my shoulder and watch as Liam is walking back to where we all once stood. Except now only I remain with one half of the tree. His face is twisted in anguish and confusion. He looks helpless as he seems to be processing the scene in front of him. I want to reach out to him but I’m stretched out to the ocean, hoping that maybe I will feel the hand of his wife or his baby and can at least rescue them to help him.
The Remedy Files: Illusion Page 13