As soon as Gavin gets there, he stops, puts down his backpack and turns around to face where he came from. “Are you going to hide back there or actually come join me out here?”
He knows. I step out from the tree I was hiding behind, a little embarrassed and on edge, unsure how angry he is that I’ve followed him.
“You knew?” I ask.
“Give me some credit here. I saw you from the time you stepped out of your hut. I figure that if you want to follow me, it’s your own decision. Besides, it’s probably about time we talk a little more and what better place to do it in.” Despite the significance of his last remark, his face remains hardened.
I step out of the woods into the little clearing. It feels good to be back here again. There have been so many memories and special moments for the past twelve years with him someone who has basically acted like a stranger for the past few months when we should have been getting closer.
“Gavin, I miss you.” I don’t know what else to say except the truth. Especially being here, the truth hits hard.
Gavin’s eyes soften bit but his jaw remains set. “Evangeline--” he starts to say, but I interrupt him.
I lay my hands on his crossed arms and softly speak, “No, it’s Evie. You call me Evie.”
Gavin’s eyes lighten and his mouth relaxes with his jaw. He holds my gaze for a moment and I think that maybe, I have the old him back.
Then he uncrosses his arms, forcing me to withdraw my hands, and he ardently turns away from me. He walks a few steps then bends down and moves the grass away from a spot in the ground. Gavin pulls a shovel out of his backpack and begins digging.
All I can do is stand there, with my mouth open as I stare at him. I can’t believe he didn’t acknowledge my comment. Despite what I said to him, he’s still choosing to be distant.
“Gavin, did I do something wrong or what?” I finally lash out. I can’t hold it in anymore.
Gavin stops digging. He doesn’t turn around but responds with, “No.” After a heavy sigh, he ultimately stands up, dropping the shovel to the ground. He saunters over to our old log, and sits down. “No, you haven’t done anything wrong.”
Assuming it’s safe to move closer to him again, I sit down on the log next to him, cautiously keeping my eyes on the ground in front of me, as though eye contact would scare him off. “I don’t know how to fix this.” I admit. I am willing to be as vulnerable as possible to him in hopes to get things back to normal. I’m fighting against giving up.
“I don’t know how to explain it all, Evie.” He’s using my nickname again; that’s a good sign. “It’s weird having you in Rebirth now. I always thought when that day would come, it would be so… different than what it has been.”
I want badly to ask Gavin what he means by that but I don’t want to interrupt him. He finally seems ready to have a discussion.
“I yearned for the day I could tell you everything. I thought it would be when I was able to bring you to Rebirth but I can’t because I still have to be careful. Things aren’t as they seem. Not yet. I’m trying to get them there. Every day I’m working to get them there. There’s a fine balance of doing what I need to do and still managing to keep you as safe as possible. That’s always been my biggest concern. Ever since I met you that’s what I’ve been fighting to do.
And you’re smart, Evie. I want to make sure I allow you room to figure some things out on your own. I know you need that, and I need you to do that to be well and to help me. Because you do help me- every single day, even when you don’t realize it.” He stops talking and puts his head in his hands. “I’m sure I’m not making any sense to you.”
Before Gavin said that last line, I was on the edge of screaming that exact thing to him. He isn’t making any sense. He’s treating me as though I’m still in Impetus. Instead, I take a deep breath and gently rub his back with my hand. “No, you’re not.” I say tenderly. “But it’s nice to hear you actually say more than a few words to me again. I’ve missed hearing you speak- even incoherently.” I try to make a joke to ease the tension in the air.
Gavin’s back crumbles at that remark. He takes a deep breath as he sits back up, turning to face me. I expect another blow-up from him. I said the wrong thing again. I clench my fists in anticipation.
Instead, he wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer to him. “I’ll try harder. I’ll try to share more with you. Just trust me, please, and know that there’s a reason behind my choices. It’ll become clear someday soon.”
I nod in his neck. In this moment I would say “yes” to anything he asked me. I’m breathing in his scent that is so recognizable to me, while sitting on our old log, and this time, I can feel him too as his hands grip my back. This is ideal. It’s the perfect blend of our old life with our new.
“Hey,” he says and pulls back from me. He takes his other hand and pulls a small yellow flower dwelling in the grass next to the log. He drags it lightly across my arm, leaving a little yellow dust trail from the flower. “Do you feel that?” Gavin smiles at me, as he reminisces the old game we used to play. The tingle of the flower delicately grazing my skin causes goosebumps to rise. For an instant, the strong urge to make them go away overtakes me. Those have only occurred with Liam and it feels like betrayal having them appear without him around. But the history with Gavin goes so much deeper than that, so having us frozen in time, playing this old game, except with now so much more at stake, is exciting. Because I can actually say:
“Yes” I breathe out.
Gavin drops the flower and takes my arm in his, and presses his lips to the goosebumps. More appear and a quiver shoot out through my entire body. His lips continue to travel past my elbow as he pushes my shirt sleeve up and kisses to the edge of my shoulder. Gavin then brings his lips just inches away from my own.
Looking in his eyes, I can see a myriad of emotions cross through them like a lightning storm: fear, desire, anger, adoration. He seems to be having a war within himself debating whether or not to make the next move.
When Gavin starts to move his lips to my forehead, the area he has apparently deemed as being safe, I grab his face with my hands and move his lips to mine instead. This move stuns him, and even surprises me. Our lips connect and at first, in this moment of shock, neither one of us moves. But then the movement becomes natural and I melt into him.
First it starts slow, but then the intensity increases as flickers of our past and all the little moments we’ve ever had flash in my mind. Suddenly everything is coming together and making sense as though this was the purpose behind it all- this kiss, was the reason for everything.
When the kiss comes to a reluctant end, he leans his forehead against mine and breathes out, “I have wanted to do that for years.”
I’m struggling to catch my breath and failing to form any coherent thought. “Yeah” is all I can muster breathlessly as I continue to play with the hair in the back of his head which is where my hands have finally rested.
After several blissful minutes of basking in silence, honoring the event finally occurred, Gavin kisses me on the forehead and stands back up.
I watch him return to the spot that he had previously started digging at, pick up his shovel, and continue his work. It doesn’t take long for him to pull out a clear plastic bag. As he opens it, he pulls out a letter, unfolds it carefully and reads in silence.
“What is that?” I ask, curious as to how he knew it was there.
Gavin doesn’t respond as his eyes continue to move back and forth down the paper. Once finished, he looks up at me and I can already predict he’s going to tell me that he can’t share what he’s doing. However, he responds with, “It’s a letter from my inside connection to Impetus. They are informing me of some events that have taken place.”
“Who? Who writes you? Do I know them? What’s happening there? Is everyone okay?” Too many questions. I know it as soon as they are out of my mouth but it’s too late to take them back now.
Gavin shakes hi
s head. “Evie, I told you I’d start to tell you more and I will. But I can’t tell you everything- not yet. You have to trust me.”
“It’s like you don’t trust me, Gavin! I’m not going to tell anyone!” I didn’t expect it to come out like whining but all the confusion and anger that has been boiling inside of me is erupting over the edge of the pot. I want to help rescue people in Impetus like he does- there are specific people I need to save! I can help. But without him sharing anything, it makes me feel so worthless and useless like absolutely everything is out of my control.
I sigh and try again. “I have to do something, Gavin. I can’t keep standing by when I know there are people suffering. And they don’t even realize that they are suffering which somehow makes it worse.”
Gavin takes a pen out of his pocket and makes a few scribbled notes on the back of the piece of paper, puts it back in the bag, and then starts covering it with dirt again in the same hole it came out from.
“We need to save people from Impetus.” I repeat.
Gavin’s jaws clench. He stays bent down on his feet, digging at the dirt.
“Gavin are you listening to me?”
Silence.
“Gavin--”
Speaking through clenched teeth he warily articulates, “I heard you, Evie.” He smoothes out the dirt pile, throws a few sticks and rocks on it and stands back up. With his hands on his hips, he says, “I just don’t think you know what we are up against.” His tone is as though he’s talking to a little kid which makes me explode in rage.
“What we’re up against? Does it even matter? We are talking about people’s lives here! I know that they are trying to control a population by taking away feeling which leaves everyone very little else to live for. And they are making decisions about terminating lives without those lives getting any say! Those people need a choice. They need to know that they have the option of feeling and they need to know what feeling actually is. They are living lives based on nothing but lies!” I throw my hands in the air as my body is shaking, overwhelmingly desperate for him to see the problem. He has known about this for years yet hasn’t done anything about it. How can he just stand by and let all of this continue to go down? “Saving a few people at a time isn’t going to help anything!” I sputter out and immediately regret my words.
Gavin whips around, his face glowing with fury. “You have no clue what I do here and you have no clue how big this thing actually is, Evangeline. It may not seem like it to you, but I do have a plan. Besides, I saved you, didn’t I?”
“So since you rescued me, I’m supposed to walk around in complete blinding trust, not caring about tomorrow and not giving a damn about anyone else because you’re the almighty savior and you alone have it under control?” I point my finger at him. “You were the one that taught me to question things my entire life! So here I am- questioning things. I’m questioning you. But now since it’s directed at you, you don’t like it! You only like what you can control, Gavin. Well, you’re not going to control me- not any longer.”
“You’re wrong- I’ve never controlled you! You are as stubborn as all can be. That’s why I’ve had to work so hard to protect you. You don’t even realize everything I’ve had to do and how it’s all been for you!”
“Well, let me make it easy for you. Stop protecting me.” I turn on my heel to head back into the trees.
“Evangeline,” Gavin calls out. “You don’t know how to get back!”
I turn around, and glare at him. “Stop trying to protect me! I don’t need you! I. Don’t. Need. You.” I say again, carefully enunciating each word.
Gavin’s face falls and his hands drop to his side. I’ve never seen him look so small before. A part of me wants to run to his arms and do whatever it takes to redeem everything that each one of us has said. The other side screams at me to walk away, reminding me how sick I am of all that he hides from me and how I’m constantly forced to question my trust in him. The latter is the one that wins out so I take off, sprinting through the trees, weaving myself in and out in efforts to lose him if by any chance he’s trying to follow me.
Despite the emotions running high in me, I’m intentional with the path I take. I purposely headed straight back, in the same way we took to get to our spot but then cut sharply to the right, looping back closer to the tree lines.
Gavin had taken me to our spot, a place I was all too familiar with. I know the path to get from there back to Impetus If he wasn’t going to save all the people there, I was going to take matters in my own hands and at least rescue Jacqueline. Tonight, I’m going back.
CHAPTER 28
I imagine the events of the day as if I was there. I would be finishing up from a busy day at the Clinic, making my last rounds as I check on the patients. The other nurse on shift and I would be laughing at some joke one of the older patients made. I would do my last check on supplies and make any notes on items we needed for the next day. Then I would say goodbye to everyone, and leave.
Instead of going to the Paired housing, I would take a slow walk to the Park, saying hi to people I pass, waving to Mr. Frank as he waters plants and hums a new song. I would meet Jacqueline there at the Park. We would sit on the bench and share stories from things that happened that day. She would sneak me a new pin she made based off of a special rock she found while working. Then we would walk back to the Paired housing together and I would go into my house while she enters hers. I’d make dinner for Brennan, we would sit down and eat, chatting about our days. Then we would read a little bit and go to bed for the night. I’d wake up and do it all over again the next day.
“That’s not bad.” I say out loud to hear a voice in the silence I’ve been sitting in for hours. “It’s safe.”
It’s safe. Just like Gavin said. That’s what he meant by not rescuing me right away; I was in a safe place. When you don’t know what else there is, it’s a good place to be. But when you do know what else there is, how life could actually be so much better, that’s when it all changes. Logic gives a life a direction; feeling gives it worth and a purpose.
Leaning back on the trunk of the tree I’ve prepared as a hiding place, I run through the plan again in my head. I look up at the sun and watch it lowering in the sky. Instinctively I know it’s about dinner time in Impetus. This is going to be my peak time to try to find Jacqueline because everyone who is of the adult age will be doing the same thing at this time: coming home from work, preparing dinner and sitting down to eat. It will be easy to peek in the Paired housings and try to find her.
I thought about just sneaking in her work but figured it would be too risky. Too many people have the potential to be at the park. At least at her house, it’ll be just her and Ethan. I could probably rescue him too. The thought of rescuing both Jacqueline and Ethan energizes me to the point that I want to jump down the tree, march right on in, and invite them to a better life in Rebirth. But of course I know it won’t be that simple.
I wait for the sun to go down a bit more before I climb down the tree and quietly head to the bushes that I’ve always used to go in and out of Impetus. I wish I had been bold enough over the years to learn different routes but always stuck to what I knew. Unfortunately this path puts me at the complete opposite end of the circle than where the Paired housing resides. My best bet is to stick closely to the thickets and the gardens in hopes that the shadows from those and the buildings will keep me camouflaged.
In that moment, the thought that I have to sneak past both of the steel buildings strikes me and the threat of seeing that creepy man sends shivers down my spine. But if I try the other side of the community circle, it’s an extra road I have to try to cross over which puts me in the light’s path a lot more. Going through the middle of Impetus is definitely out since it’s all the high traffic areas.
I simply need to stay alert and be as careful as possible, listening for every single noise I can identity. Taking my time will be the key. I can do this. I know I can. Regardless, it’s worth it to
be able to save Jacqueline. Seeing her again is all the motivation I need as I push my way through the bushes, stopping right at the edge, listening vigilantly for any voices. When I don’t hear any, I poke my head out and do a visual surveillance. No one.
Stepping out of the thickets and into Impetus fully exposed again almost sends me reeling back with emotions as though I was hit with a cannonball. The air even smells differently here- like a syndicated scented, created to only make us think and feel a certain way that’s so far from reality. A trick. A lie. Like everything here now represents to me.
I take a deep breath and continue on my way, each step making my heart race. So this is fear, I think to myself. My stomach has a knot in it that seems to be trying to force itself out of my stomach so it can run on its own in the opposite direction of me towards safety. As the first tool shed looms closer, my feet become heavier and it takes more effort to pick them up. I focus on just one at a time, willing my legs to be the hero. Every time the wind rustles one of the plants in the garden, I freeze.
The echo of a tin door slamming send me to the ground in a panic. But it’s either in my imagination or happened at the other shed as I don’t see or hear any other movement. I pick myself up from the ground and continue on my path. I reach the road crossing so I bend down as I edge to it, careful that the light doesn’t land on any part of me. Once it seems safe, I dart across it as quickly as possible until I reach the garden on the other side, and then bend back down quickly to hide in the shadows. I listen carefully. Nothing. I think it’s clear.
Now, standing at the second tool shed, my heart speeds up again. I don’t know if the same kind of strange people all dressed in gray go in and out of this one like they do the other. At least I’m closer to the Paired housing. I’m almost there. I maintain the same pattern that has worked so far with sticking to the shadows and stopping to listen to every sound that occurs.
The Remedy Files: Illusion Page 21