Who I'm Becoming

by S. Q. Williams

  I choked out a laugh and somewhat of a sob.

  “Shh,” he murmured. “It’s okay. Trust me, this is real, Lauren. I’m not fucking around.”

  “I know,” I said while trying to pull my shit together. “I’m just… glad you feel that way with me.”

  His lips touched my cheek. “I don’t feel anything less, babe.”

  I was pleased to hear that, and as the room quieted and nothing but Adam Levine’s light voice flowed through the hidden speakers in his room, Montana slowly eased his way down, pushing my shirt up as he did. I pulled it over my head, and once I was free, he placed hot kisses on my stomach. He started from the middle, slowly making his way down to the waistband of my skirt. I sighed as he placed a hand on my chest and gently pushed me back, his usual signal that meant relax.

  I did just that, and he unzipped my skirt, tugging it down. Next, he removed my panties, and once they were gone, he spread my legs, kissing the insides of my thighs. I tingled uncontrollably, clutching the sheets as he got closer and closer to my womanhood. Before I knew it, he kissed my lips—my other lips—and then his tongue slid between my folds, rolling across my nub.

  I broke out in a gasp, pushing my fingers through his hair as he reeled me in closer by the hips. My body bucked wildly, and I breathed his name. He groaned below, bringing one hand down to thrust a finger inside me. His mouth didn’t dare pull away. His tongue continued swirling my nub, and I felt myself building up more and more. I was almost at the tipping point, but before I could reach it, Montana jerked back and stripped out of his clothes, kneeling over me. I helped him with the button of his jeans, and he stood to step out of them.

  Afterwards, he tugged his shirt over his head and tossed it to the ground. His eyes seemed to be lit on fire from the candlelight. I gestured for him to come closer, and he leaned forward, his elbows perched outside my head. I felt him poke at my entrance. He was hot, hard, and ready.

  But something was different about this night. He wasn’t rushing it. He was looking me deep in the eyes, as if he would’ve given anything for this moment to last forever. He blinked slowly and dipped his head down, kissing the corner of my mouth, my cheek, and then lowering his head to kiss the bend of my neck. He kissed me there, rigidly making his way inside me. He groaned as he sank deeper with each second, and I clung to him, bringing his body closer to mine. I wanted to feel all of him. He wasn’t the only one that wanted this moment to last forever.

  His strokes started slow, going along with the smooth tempo of the music. He grunted, thrusting a little deeper, swiveling his hips and causing a sharp gasp to tumble out of me. Sitting back up, Montana looked me deep in the eyes. He circled his hips, and his lips parted like it was the best thing he’d ever felt.

  Cupping his face, I drew his mouth to mine and my body worked along with his. We synched, and grinded together in harmony. Sweat built between our naked forms, some trickling from his forehead and some running down my shoulders. His body locked the faster he went. He panted. I panted. He slammed into me, and I bit into his bottom lip, moaning as I felt myself bubbling over.

  I was there, and so was he. Our eyes didn’t dare stray from one another’s, and that only added to the intensity of the moment. I’d never felt so amazing… so powerful as a person. He made me feel things I never thought I could feel. With him, I felt unstoppable. I felt brave and sexy and wonderful. He made me feel all these things—things I wanted to savor and hold onto.

  It only took a few short seconds for me to release his lip and breathe his name. Montana buckled, and his face fell into the bend of my neck. He groaned loud—louder than I ever heard him groan before—and he quaked, releasing himself inside me. A smile took over my lips as I turned my head and kissed his cheek.

  He sighed but didn’t dare to move. This moment was powerful; he was savoring it. I was enjoying it… enjoying him.

  “You do so much to me,” Montana finally breathed, turning his head to meet my eyes.

  “I do?”

  “Yes, you do. So much.” He sat up and placed his cheek in his hand, his elbow perched on the bed. “Can I hear you say something?” he asked.

  “Say what?” I asked, fighting a laugh.

  “Can I hear you say you love me?”

  I blinked quickly, watching his eyes. He was serious. And there was no need for me to hesitate. “I love you, Montana Delray.”

  A smile graced his lips. He lowered his head, kissing me tenderly, igniting my soul. “I love you too, Lauren Harkin. How the hell it happened, I don’t know, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in this fucking world. This feels… good. Great, actually.” He kissed me again, this time a little deeper. His tongue swept mine, and I indulged, sinking into him.

  This was one night I was never going to forget.

  But I also knew it was only bringing us closer together, which meant soon it would be time for truths.

  ***

  A few hours passed, along with countless times of lovemaking and even some scorching, powerful fucking with him. As we took a warm shower, I couldn’t help the thoughts running through my head. Things had become way realer than I imagined, and I didn’t think anything bad of it. But there was so much I needed to tell him. There was so much he had to know about me, but how was I supposed to just come out and say it? After seeing him earlier that day, I knew I had to tell Montana everything soon before it got out of hand.

  After I got dressed, I climbed onto the bed and plopped down beside him. “Montana… there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about,” I said.

  He looked up at me, blinking twice. “I’m all ears.”

  I nodded. He was an understanding guy. I had to remember that. He would understand this, right? My throat worked hard to swallow, and Montana leaned in, his face confused.

  “Lauren? What’s wrong? Tell me…”

  “I um…” I paused. Shit. Just fucking say it, Lauren!

  Of course, before I could build up the courage to speak, there was a heavy knock on the front door that interrupted me. I jolted, and Montana hopped from the bed with a frown. He looked towards the door, and just as he started to get up, a familiar voice shouted. “Lauren, I know you’re in there! I saw you come here. I followed you! I swear you better not be sharing my money with that son of a bitch, you bitch!”

  Oh. My. God.

  He followed me… I couldn’t believe him.

  But then I realized of course he was going to follow me. He’d been following me this entire time. How else would he have magically appeared on the streets after we left the hotel?

  “What the fuck?!” Montana frowned, stormed out of the bedroom, and for the front door, but I bolted for him, grabbing his hand before he could open it. He glared down at me. “Who the fuck is that?” he hissed.

  I shook my head. I really didn’t know what to say. Everything I wanted to say seemed to get lodged into my throat. I wanted this to be a calm conversation. Instead, it’d rapidly become hostile. Montana kept a hard glare on me, waiting for an answer.

  “So help me, Lauren, if you don’t tell me who the fuck that is knocking at my door I’ll open it, beat his ass, and get him to tell me who the fuck he is myself,” he growled.

  The door rattled with another bang, and I gasped as hot tears pricked at my eyes. “Montana, please, please don’t answer it. I’ll tell you, but don’t answer it. This is what I wanted to talk about in the bedroom…”

  “Tell me now. Who is he?”

  I swallowed thickly. “It’s… my…

  “Tell me!” he shouted.

  “It’s my husband!” I wailed.

  His eyes expanded, almost in horror. Silence filled the room, but it didn’t last long because Wylie, my ex, spoke up again. “I can hear you, baby,” he said, laughing. He was fucking hysterical. “Please. Come out. I won’t hurt you. I swear.” That was a lie, one I used to fall for over and over again. Wylie didn’t physically hurt me, but emotionally he did. My tears grew thicker. I didn’t look away fr
om Montana.

  “You’re married?” he said, almost like he was out of breath. “Why wouldn’t you tell me that shit?!” he asked, loosening his grip from the doorknob.

  “It was no big deal! We separated earlier this year, and the divorce is still in the works. There’s only a few months left, and then it’ll be completely over. I don’t consider him my husband anymore. Trust me, I want nothing to do with him. I’ll be single again once it’s finalized in a few months or so, but until then, technically, he’s still considered my… husband…”

  He looked at me with disgust. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! If you broke it off why the hell is he here? Damn it, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this shit!”

  I crushed my lips together, taking his hand and dragging him into the living room again. “Montana, I don’t know how he found me,” I said, my bottom lip trembling. “He’s not even from the states. He’s from Montrouge, a few miles outside of Paris.”

  “Was he the one that called you that night? The “Don’t Answer” contact?” he demanded.

  I nodded sullenly.

  He shook his head, running a hand across his face. “Wow. I seriously can’t believe this shit. A fucking husband, Lauren? I mean, did you not think I was going to find out?”

  “I know! I should’ve told you from the start,” I said quickly, grabbing his hand and squeezing it. Unfortunately, he pulled away, and that cut me deep, but I continued. “I just… I was scared, and I didn’t know how. With how things were going between us, I didn’t want to ruin it by saying I was married. I’m over him. He’s in my past. I’ve been trying to find ways to tell you, but I was too afraid of losing you. See, this is why I didn’t want to get to serious at first. I was afraid of something like this happening to me.” I swiped at my tears. “Montana, he’s following me. He’s been following me for months—trying to get a chance to talk to me in person. I just… I can’t talk to him.”

  “So what you’re saying is he’s stalking you?” He shook his head. “I’m calling the fucking cops,” he grumbled, standing to his feet. He went for his phone, but I stood and followed after him.

  “No… see, I’ve thought about that, but… I can’t do that either.”

  “Why the fuck not?” he snapped.

  “Because… I have his money. I’ve been spending it. He put half of his savings under my account when we were together, and I never gave it back. I found out he cheated on me while he traveled with his band. He got hooked on drugs, and I was tired of him treating me like shit, so I left. I transferred the money to another account and took off. If they find out I took what was his, I’ll be in deep shit. He hasn’t said anything yet because he probably thinks he can convince me to give it back, but I know he’ll say something soon… once he’s done with this chase and realizes I’m not coming back. And when that happens, I’ll deal with it at that time. We’ll take it to court.”

  Montana scoffed. “Is that all he wants? Money? Is that all it’ll take for him to back the fuck off? ‘Cause I promise you, if he bangs on my door one more time I’m going out there.”

  “He’ll leave… trust me.”

  Montana looked me over, his eyelids thin. He was judging me, as if I weren’t even the same person. The hurt look in his eyes hurt me. I should’ve told him this from the start. I never should’ve held it in. With each day that we spent together, it was an opportunity to tell him what was going on with me—what I had gotten myself into—but I didn’t. I was afraid. I couldn’t face it. But it backfired, because outside this condo was the terrible past I refused to relive again. It had looked me right in the face only hours ago.

  It didn’t take long for the knocking to stop. Defeated, Montana took a seat on one of the barstools. I started to hug him, but he lifted his hand, shaking his head. I stepped back, my eyes wide and wet. “Montana… please. Let me just explain everything tonight. I know you’re upset, but I… I love you, and I want to make this right. I care about you.”

  “You should’ve thought about that before that dumbass came knocking at my door. I mean, really?” he scoffed, frowning at me and standing from the stool. “What did you think would happen? He’d show up, shout some crazy shit, and I’d pretend everything was A-OK while you explained?”

  “I thought you would understand,” I whispered.

  “No, I don’t understand. I can’t understand when you don’t tell me shit about yourself, Lauren!” He was fuming now. His fists were clenched, his eyebrows stitched. “I knew this shit was too good to be true. I just fucking knew it.” He blew out a thick breath. “Is that what was bothering you earlier? Is that why you were acting so weird?” he asked as calmly as he could.

  I nodded, my lips sealed.

  Montana’s head bobbed up and down, his face blank. “Wow… so you lied to me.”

  I frowned. “No! How?”

  “You told me you were thinking about the time we were going to have to spend apart from each other, but instead, you were thinking about your husband?”

  “My ex-husband!” I corrected. I started to speak again, but my mouth immediately clamped shut once I realized what he was getting at.

  “Wow,” he breathed, taking a step back.

  “Montana, I—”

  He cut me off before I could finish. “Lauren, you should just head back to the hotel and spend this last night with Shelby.”

  “No.” I shook my head, my curls flopping. “No, I want to spend this last night with you, Montana! We’re supposed to be together, remember? We’re supposed to be enjoying this night.”

  He looked at me, his expression pained. He was hurting… because of me. Because I lied, because I didn’t tell him what was really going on. Damn it! If only I’d been honest from the start, none of this would’ve happened. I didn’t think he and I would get this attached to each other. I didn’t think I’d actually end up… falling for him. Not like this anyway—so hard and so quickly with no kind of brakes to stop it.

  The longer I stared at him, the more I could see how glossy his eyes were getting. He tried blinking the emotion away, but it wasn’t working. After a while, he just shook his head, turned his back to me, and walked out of the condo. Before the door clicked shut behind him, he said, “I can’t enjoy this night, Lauren. I can’t even enjoy us. I need time,” and once he disappeared, my chest constricted.

  Tears spilled down my cheeks like a running faucet. My heart beat erratically in my chest, my palms clammy. I was spiraling… I was letting him walk right out of my grasp. He had every right to walk away from me, but I didn’t want him to. I wanted to be selfish. I wanted him to stay and listen to me. I wanted him to understand, but how could he understand something like this? I had a husband… I was legally married. Although I considered the relationship over, it wasn’t over by law until the divorce was settled.

  I was young and stupid when I married Wylie. I thought he was my soul mate—my lifeline. I thought he was everything I ever needed, so when he popped the question I immediately gave him a big fat “Yes”.

  But after being with Montana, I realized how asinine that relationship with Wylie was. Wylie was a band boy, and he loved his music just as much as the next person, but when it came down to the wire, he couldn’t even be compared to Montana. Montana was a way better person. For one, he respected me, and he had no problem showing it. He cared for me. He… loved me. He’d just made love to me. I was the first girl he ever loved, and just like that, it’d been demolished.

  “Oh, God,” I breathed, cupping a hand over my mouth as my knees buckled on me. I clutched the arm of the sofa, sobbing. “Shit,” I breathed. What have I done?

  ***

  I couldn’t just leave. My heart ached all night long as I lied in the full-sized bed, listening to Shelby snore throughout the night. Normally it bothered me, but not that night. That night I didn’t care. I tossed and turned, whimpering as tears slid down my cheeks. I knew all night long that I had to make things right. This wasn’t like me. I had to get him
to forgive me. I couldn’t just let it end. Not like this.

  And I wasn’t.

  After escorting Shelby to the airport, I hopped in a cab and headed to Montana’s place. I hustled towards the elevator and to my luck it opened up right away. I had the jitters. I couldn’t believe this was really happening. I’d never been in a situation like this—where I had to be the one to apologize because of a horrible mistake I’d made.

  As I reached Montana’s floor, my heart thundered. I walked down the hallway slowly, my lips twisted. My back was stiff and my head was held high, but running back and forth through my mind were words to form an apology. Nothing felt right to say. Everything felt wrong. Before I realized it, I was standing in front of his door with my fist in the air. I started to knock, but hesitated as I stared ahead, sinking my teeth into my bottom lip.

  “Get it together, Lauren,” I breathed to myself, pulling my hand down and loosening my shoulders.

  Okay?

  Okay.

  I lifted my hand to knock, and silence filled the air around me. It was thick and uncomfortable, but when I heard something inside fall and hit the floor, relief swam through me. “Montana,” I called, leaning against the door. “I know you’re in there.”

  He didn’t respond.

  I kept talking. “Look, I know I’ve upset you and I know it was wrong of me not to tell you the truth but… you have to understand…” I paused, lowering my gaze. “I didn’t do it to hurt you. I thought I was protecting you. I just wanted it all to be over before I even mentioned it. I didn’t want you thinking differently of me.” I sighed. “I-I’m sorry. Please, just open the door. I’d like to talk to you before my flight.”

  I stepped back and waited, hoping he’d come. It took several minutes, but I finally heard footsteps and my heart fluttered in my chest as the locks on the door clinked and he cracked it open. I smiled and blew a breath of relief as he finally revealed himself. His hair was still the same from the night before. Pushed back, but with a little fluff too it, as if he hadn’t combed it.

  “Montana,” I breathed. “I’m so, so sorry about this. I want to explain everything to you. I swear I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I should’ve told you from the start but it felt so irrelevant since we were just having fun and all… but then things got serious between you and I and… I just didn’t know how to tell you. I was afraid. I didn’t want to lose you.”