by Bev Marshall
The cool-pack air conditioner in the car was blowing hot air into our faces and I was sweating like I’d been running for hours in the heat. I lifted my damp hair off my neck. “No, a boy named Joey saved me. Everyone at the lake thought it was an accident, except Lyn and Jehu.They were there,” I said to June.“I couldn’t tell Mama, didn’t want her upset. She was just getting better after her accident. Lyn thought I had tried to kill myself over Jehu, but it was Wallace who drove me to it.”
Mrs. McCormick slid the gear shift into reverse again. “You should go see a psychiatrist, Layla Jay.You need to talk about all of these feelings. It’s not good to keep things bottled up inside.You probably need therapy to deal with all of this anyway.”
I could fool a lawyer, a judge, Mama, and a lot of other people, but I knew I most likely wasn’t good enough to fool a head doctor. I had heard that they had ways of getting inside your brain and sucking out all of your secrets. I tried for a half-smile. “Oh, I don’t need help. I’m fine now. I mean, Wallace is dead. He can’t hurt me anymore. Mama saw to that.”
Chapter 21
I WAS WRONG ABOUT FOOLING MAMA. SHE DIDN’T BELIEVE ME, and neither did Papaw. “Bullshit,” he said. “I was there that day and you looked and acted perfectly normal. The two nuts were your mama and Wallace.”
“I might have had a few beers, but I agree with Pop.You acted just like yourself the whole day, and when they carried you inside, you were glad to be alive. I could tell. I may not have known Wallace, but I know you.”
Miss Louise took my side.The three of us were sitting at Grandma’s dining table in front of a beautiful ham decorated with pineapple slices and cherries that Miss Louise had baked in Grandma’s ancient oven. “Some suicidal people are very good at hiding their true emotions,” she said.“Those who don’t really want to go through with it usually call for help before they try. Layla Jay wasn’t one of those.”
Papaw reached for the big earthenware bowl of fluffy mashed potatoes. “Layla Jay isn’t either one. She’s a normal girl, who made up this story to help out her mama.” He slapped a huge spoonful of potatoes onto his plate. “Isn’t that right, Layla Jay?”
I ducked my head, trying to decide how to respond. I’d forgotten that Papaw could pick out liars better than most of us. I was pushing my luck with him now.
Miss Louise was disappointed in me. Her face crumpled up over the ham platter she passed to Mama. “Honey, if what your grandfather is saying is true, you’re not helping your mother’s case. If you lie, the DA could find out and then your mother will be worse off than she was. Lying is not how to handle this.There’s always someone who will catch you in a lie.”
A cold knot of fear rose inside me. There was someone who could catch me in my lies. Roland. Roland could expose me, ruin my plan. If he came home from law school in New Orleans, he’d hear about my “rape” and know it was a lie. He wanted to be a lawyer, so wouldn’t he feel that it was his duty to come forward and set the record straight? I imagined him on the stand. He’d be dressed in a dark suit with a Tulane tie, his blond hair grown longer, but neatly clipped around his ears. His tan would have faded some, but his face would still be the color of ginger.The DA would ask him if he had knowledge of the case, and he’d say, “Yes, I know for a fact that Layla Jay Andrews was a virgin when we had sex in the month of May, long after she said her stepfather raped her.” And I’d go to jail for perjury along with Mama for manslaughter.
Mama saw the fear on my face and assumed I was in agony over my suicide lie. “Honey, I appreciate your wanting to help me, but lying is going to hurt my case more than help.”
I remembered her tucking the tag into the armhole of the silver lamé dress in the dressing room at The Ideal Shop. She’d said yes, it was naughty, but wasn’t it fun? Lying had turned out not to be fun at all. I debated what to do. Should I spill my guts, confess to everything? Admit the one lie, pray that they’d never find out about the other? I thought of the box in my closet filled with the things I’d taken from the McCormicks’ house. If I wanted a clean slate, I’d have to go all the way back to my faking salvation. I closed my eyes, praying silently. “Tell me what to do, Lord. Help me know what’s the best course to take.” He wasn’t going to answer. I knew that, but I waited a minute or so more before I spoke.“I wasn’t lying,” I said. “Mama, you were taken in by Wallace with his story about his prayers saving your life after your accident. What makes you think I couldn’t fool you, too? I was only pretending I was glad to be alive. I wanted to die, and as a matter of fact, I was going to try it again, was planning it on the day you caught him trying to rape me again.”This part was perhaps true, I thought. I had written a suicide note the day before. But I avoided Papaw’s eyes. Wallace hadn’t fooled him.
Everyone sat silently for a long time. Finally, Papaw’s voice boomed out. “Let’s eat. Food’s getting cold, damnit.”
My appetite was gone, but I lifted my fork and speared a crispy green bean.
MR. ALBRIGHT FILED A MOTION TO DISMISS and the date for a hearing was set. We had two weeks left to find out if she’d be bound over for trial, and Mama was getting tired of playing the role Mr. Albright had assigned to her ... that of a devoted wife and mother who had been forced to defend her daughter against a man who had taken advantage of her innocent love for him.“I want to go dancing,” she said.“I want a tall glass of Old Charter. I want to have some fun, can’t stand being cooped up in this shitty house any longer.”
When she went to the telephone, I knew there was no arguing with her. She called Mervin and played him like she was first chair flute.“You have no idea how difficult this all is for me,” I heard her say. “I was just wild with fear, in shock for days.” She twisted the cord around her finger and smiled.“Uh huh. It does get lonely without a man in the house.”
I walked into the kitchen, which now that Wallace wasn’t barking orders, had returned to its former chaos. I surveyed the mess.There were dirty dishes of smelly leftovers on the table and countertop, Mama’s nylons hanging over the back of a chair, and the trash can overflowing beside the back door. More trash bags were lined up along the wall.These held Wallace’s belongings that we were waiting to burn in celebration after Mama was acquitted.
Against Mr. Albright’s orders and my pleas, Mama went out to Skinnys that night with Mervin. I knew she was making a terrible mistake, but trying to keep Mama from men, music, or booze was like trying to keep a starving hog from a trough filled with slop. She was grinning when she left and smiling even more when she returned around two a.m. I had fallen asleep on the couch in the den, but I heard her laughing as she said good night to Mervin.
I sat up and watched her weave her way across the room. She was drunk. “Did you have fun?” I asked, hoping she’d gone drinking somewhere far away where no one knew she was an accused husband killer.
“Yesssss,” she said. “You wouldn’t believe how many people are cheering for me to get off. Everyone at Skinnys wanted me to tell them my story. It was like I was a celebrity, Layla Jay. All the attention was on me.The women were jealous; Bonita Garza shot me the bird and said she would think I’d be mortified over what had happened.” Mama threw her purse on the coffee table. “Her date, I don’t know who he was, kinda cute with a Kirk Douglas dimple, said I was a heroine. Did you ever imagine your mama was going to turn out to be a heroine someday?”
All of the air inside me rushed out, deflating my hopes of Mama getting any sympathy in the courtroom now. If she was going to parade around in public acting like she was some movie star, she was going to play out the last scene in a prison cell. She sat down on the couch and patted the cushion beside her.“Sit down. Let me tell you the best part of the evening. Mervin. He was so wonderful to me. I never noticed how like Kenneth he is. Mervin used to ride motorcycles, but he sold his, said it was too dangerous. Did you know he went two years to Southwest College where your daddy went?”
“No, and I don’t care. I’m going to bed,” I said. “I’ll leave the light on for you.”
Mama had been sleeping with me ever since the day she’d stuck the green glass in Wallace’s throat. Even though Miss Louise had scrubbed the room, she couldn’t wipe away the memory of that day, and each time Mama went in there, she’d snatch her clothes or jewelry or whatever she needed and run out as quickly as she could. I understood; I never went in there at all. But tonight Mama was drunk, and she must have forgotten her horror of sleeping in the bed she’d once shared with Wallace. Or maybe now that she saw herself as a hero, she wanted to lie on the set where she’d gained stardom.
I put on my nightgown and got into bed, but after my nap on the couch, I wasn’t sleepy, and I tossed back and forth on my pillows for a while before I gave up. I tiptoed down the hall and saw that Mama had fallen asleep on top of the spread in her panties and bra. I hesitated before going in, but forced my feet to her side of the bed and covered her with the edge of the spread before running back to my room.We needed to move away. After the trial, I would suggest another town, another state. We could go to Mama’s Promised Land: France. I was good at Spanish; I could probably learn to speak French in no time, and I’d meet some dark-haired, black-eyed handsome Frenchman who would be mad for me and take me for drives in his fast sports car convertible. I saw myself with a scarf wrapped around my head, the tail of it flying behind me. I’d be wearing big sunglasses like Audrey Hepburn, and I’d smoke cigarettes in a long gold holder. I got back into bed and pulled the sheet over my face.
Lying there in the dark I turned onto my side and drew my knees up to my chest. I knew better.We weren’t going to France or anywhere else. Mama was going to get convicted and no telling what would happen to me. I bit the back of my hand until tears came. I was the reason Mama was going to jail. The complex threads of my lies were going to weave a maze that would trap me like a bug in a black widow’s web. And now Mama seemed determined to destroy her chances as well. I closed my eyes and prayed. “Daddy, Grandma, Jesus, can’t y’all help us? Please help us.We need you. Save Mama. Save me.”
IT CAME TO ME THAT MAYBE GOD might be more inclined to help me if I went back to church, so I called up June and invited myself to attend Pisgah Methodist with her family on Sunday.When they picked me up fifteen minutes before the service was to begin, Mrs. McCormick welcomed me into the car with a warm smile. I guess she was glad I was seeking God’s help and not depending totally on June anymore, but she seemed disappointed when she asked where Mama was and I had to admit that she was sleeping late again.
When we hurried down the aisle nearly late for the service, my first thought was of Grandma, dusting pews, sweeping, and straightening songbooks. I supposed some other woman had replaced her now and was getting God’s reward for the job every Saturday. After we slid into a pew midway down, I stood for the Affirmation of Faith. “I believe in God, the Father Almighty,” I said with true conviction. I did believe, and I knew He would help me out eventually. The first song we sang was “Let Go and Let God,” and I belted out “Your burden will vanish your night turn to day” with renewed hope in my heart. “Give your burdens to God; let him carry your load,” Brother Thompson had said. I had a ton to lay on God’s shoulders, and I prayed that He was willing to bear the weight. I was feeling nearly happy when Brother Thompson stood up to deliver the sermon.Then something shattered inside. I don’t know what happened, but all of a sudden, Brother Thompson’s face melted and distorted into Wallace’s. I saw him strutting down the aisle, shouting and swiveling his hips as he came toward me. I looked down at the floor, but I could feel his presence all around me. I squeezed my eyes shut, praying, “Make him go away. Go away.” I lifted my head to where Brother Thompson stood behind the pulpit. He was talking about how Jesus drove the devils out of the demented man into the swine, and how that miracle frightened the disciples. “They were terrified of His power,” he said. And then Wallace was back with a long piece of glass sticking out of his throat above his tie. Blood was spurting out from his neck, covering his body, running down the altar steps, flowing on down the aisle toward where I sat.
I clapped my hand over my mouth to stifle the scream inside me and shivered. June leaned over and whispered,“What’s wrong? Are you okay, Layla Jay?”
Her voice brought me back and I reached for her hand. “Yeah, okay,” I said, as I squeezed her fingers against mine.
I didn’t want to stay for coffee and cake in the reception hall, but the McCormicks were into socializing and shepherded June and me across the parking lot to the new building.The Methodist’s Women Circle had bought a window air-conditioning unit for the cinder-block rectangular hall, and the cool air felt good on my skin after walking across the parking lot in the oppressive heat.There was pound cake, coffee, and red Kool-Aid, but I passed by the food and drink table. My stomach felt queasy and I was still haunted by Wallace’s appearance in church. I wandered over to the chairs lined against the wall and had just sat down to wait for the McCormicks when Jehu and his parents walked in. I hadn’t noticed them in church, but I should have known they would be attending the service.
The last person I wanted to see was Mr. Albright, and second to last was Jehu, but there was nowhere to escape to as I watched them pause in front of the open door. Mr. Albright, sharp as the best knife in our cutlery drawer, spotted me right away.When he waved, I lifted my hand in response, but couldn’t work up a smile to match his pleasant expression. Jehu hesitated, took a step, stopped, and then took another as he looked around the room before coming over to sit on the vacant chair beside me. “Hey, Layla Jay. How you doing?” he asked without really looking at me.
Of course he knew all the gossip about Mama and me. “Just taking it one day at a time,” I said.
Jehu shrugged. “Guess that’s all you can do. I came over ’cause I wanted to say that I’m real sorry about what all happened with you and your mother. I really like her a lot. It’s too bad she’s, uh, she’s, you know, got to, uh, have to need my dad.” He looked right into my face then, and his eyes were filled with the same softness Papaw’s held when he said he loved me. Now I remembered why I had fallen in love with Jehu all those months ago. He wasn’t like all the other boys in ninth grade; he was special, and it wasn’t just his Steve McQueen good looks, it was his Claude Whittington heart.
“Thanks,” I said.“Mama really likes you, too.” And so do I, I wanted to say, but I was going to be cautious this time. He was Lyn’s boyfriend, not mine, and I couldn’t risk being humiliated again. I remembered Mama’s advice on how to handle men. “Always ask them about themselves, honey. That’s their favorite subject.” I thought first of baseball, but that wasn’t a safe subject.Then I smiled. “So how’s Piggly Wiggly?”
“You know. Lift that box, tote that carton of canned peas.”
“Not much fun, huh?”
“No,” he looked down at his brown Sunday loafers. “It’s been a pretty rotten summer all around. Not much fun for me.”
When Jehu said that, it got me to thinking that when awful things keep happening for a long time and you’ve spiraled into a depression that even a hot fudge sundae won’t cure, sometimes the only answer is to c’est la vie. I needed to find joy in the world and maybe Jehu did, too. “Yeah, it’d be good to have some fun for a change. I wish I could turn the clock back and”—I was going to take the big risk—“and we’d be back at the school gym dancing with balloons floating around us.”
He smiled. “I did have a lot of fun that night.”
I knew the Bradley kid had spilled his Kool-Aid on Mrs. Dunn’s white patent shoes. I knew June was eating cake, trying to get away from old Mr. Griffin, who was always telling dumb jokes to kids. I knew other people were having all sorts of conversations on many different topics, but no one had just heard a sentence that made them feel like I was feeling now. “Me too. I had a ball.”
Jehu leaned closer. “Lyn
was really mad about me taking you.”
“I know. She doesn’t like me very much.” Understatement of the year, I added silently.
Jehu grinned. “She’s jealous. I told her that I kinda liked you, and that set her off. You know, I don’t really like all those girls she hangs around with. Lyn’s a pretty nice girl, but when she hangs out with them, she changes, acts all snooty and starts telling me how I ought to cut my hair, what clothes she wants me to buy, like I have to be whatever they think is cool.”
I leaned forward and put more weight on my feet that had begun to tap nervously on the tiled floor. Every muscle in my body wanted to wiggle and jiggle with all the excitement pumping through me, and I fought to gain control of it. “I’ve never cared much for any of them either. I guess they think I’m a square.”
He grinned. “No, just the opposite. Lyn would give anything to look like you.”
My boobs, of course.They were the one thing I owned that any girl, popular or not, would envy. I looked across the room to June, whose back was turned to us. My face burned. Was I always going to think of June every time I thought of breasts?
Jehu didn’t notice my discomfort. “I told her that you liked somebody else, that she didn’t need to be jealous, but she didn’t believe me.”
I liked somebody else? Who? Then I remembered. He meant Roland, of course.The baseball game. Finally, I now had a chance to set things straight. I looked down at my white flats. “I’ve been wanting to explain what happened that night at the baseball diamond, but I was scared to call you.”
When I glanced up at him, I saw that Jehu’s smile turn upside down. “Red Pittman and I waited a half hour for you, and when you didn’t show up, the man who was closing down the concession stand said he saw you leave with some boy.”
I nodded my head up and down. “I did. It was Roland, from the pool? He and I were all muddy after we fell ducking that ball, and he took me home to change was all.”