by Bev Marshall
His tan had faded to a light caramel color and his blond hair had darkened to the shade of wheat bread.“Fine,” I mumbled, looking across the sidewalk willing Mama to stop talking so we could leave.
“I’m on break between summer school and fall semester,” he said. He reached through the window and touched my arm. “I heard about what happened with your stepdad. I remembered how you crawled in the window so he wouldn’t see you that night.”
I couldn’t breathe much less speak. Something heavy had landed on my chest and was cutting off all the air that was supposed to be flowing through my body. The pain was excruciating and I pushed back against the seat, trying to relieve the pressure. I tried to suck in the hot air but my vision was blurring and my stomach rose up in my throat. I could hear Roland’s voice, but it was a roar of unintelligible sounds. Then Mama was there pushing my head down between my knees, fanning my face with her deposit slip. I fell sideways onto the seat, and although the pain subsided, my arm ached so badly I didn’t feel I could lift it. Roland had brought water from the cooler inside the bank, and as I sipped a little from the paper cup, my vision began to clear.
“My Lord, Layla Jay, you scared me to death,” Mama said. “Can you sit up? I need to get you home.”
“I’m all right now,” I said. And except for the exhaustion and aching, I was. “I don’t know what happened to me.”
“You turned pale as a ghost,” Roland said. I hadn’t noticed him standing outside the open car door. He shifted his eyes to Mama. “I was saying how sorry I am for your troubles, and all of a sudden, she started looking funny.”
“Well, thanks for your help. I’m going to take her home and put her to bed.” Mama leaned over me and closed the door, and we drove away, leaving him standing there in the parking lot beside his Vest’s bag.
By the time we got home, I was feeling nearly normal, but Mama insisted I lie down for a while. The aching was subsiding, but I had never felt so exhausted and I quickly fell asleep.
When Miss Louise came over with Papaw later in the day, she said it sounded like I’d had a panic attack. “What’s that?” I asked. She sat down beside me on the bed and waved everyone away.“Let me visit with Layla Jay alone for a while,” she said. After Mama, Papaw, and Mervin left my room, Miss Louise explained that a panic attack wasn’t an illness.“You’re not sick.”
“But why did it happen?”
“Well, usually a panic attack is brought on when someone is feeling very very anxious or fearful. Did something happen that really upset you?”
I thought of Roland and my heart began to beat fast again. “No, I was just talking to a boy I know. Nothing big happened.” I worried there was no conviction in my voice.
But there must not have been, because Miss Louise lifted my hand in hers. “Honey, did he ask you about the trial? Was that it?”
Tears formed so fast I didn’t have time to hide them from her. She held me in just the way Grandma had in the dream. Crying had never felt so good, and I wished I could stay cuddled against Miss Louise until the trial was over. After I blew my nose on the tissue she handed me, she lifted her legs onto the bed and sat with her back against the headboard of my bed. I scooted up beside her. “Now, let’s talk,” Miss Louise said. “I want you to tell me what you’ve been keeping deep inside you that’s causing you to be so upset. Of course, you’re worried as we all are about your mama, but is there something more?”
I wanted to tell her everything, but I said, “Not really.You’re right. I’m just worried about the trial like everybody is.”
“And you’re scared about testifying, having to tell about Wallace raping you?”
I bowed my head. Miss Louise was a nurse and I wasn’t sure if nurses had a sixth-sense skill that could diagnose lies.“Yes. I don’t want to have to say it all in front of a bunch of people.You know what they’ll all think of me after.”
Miss Louise patted my thigh. “The judge will clear the courtroom when you testify if Mr. Albright asks him to.”
“I know, but there’ll still be all the jurors and the DA and the court people who don’t leave.”
Miss Louise looked as serene as she had when she was directing Mama’s exercises after her accident. “Well, that’s true, but your mother has a better chance with a jury than with a judge. She needs some women to be on the jury who will understand why she did what she did, and the more people there are to decide her guilt, the better it will go for her.”
“I know, but it’s still too many people, and even if it were only the judge, I’m worried I might mess up, say the wrong thing, and then Mama will be found guilty and it will be all my fault.” I was about to cry again, and I pressed my lips together and clenched my fists.
Miss Louise looked upset now. “Oh, Layla Jay, bless your heart. It’s not your fault.You must believe me.You’ll do fine. Mr. Albright will see to that. By the time you take the stand, you’ll be so prepared, it’ll seem like you’re reciting the alphabet.”
I didn’t believe her for a minute, but I tried to smile. “Yeah, I guess I’m just a worrywart. Mountains out of molehills is what Grandma used to call it.”
“Your Grandma was a smart lady, and you take after her.” Miss Louise leaned over and kissed my cheek. “I’m so proud to have you as my stepgranddaughter. I love you as much as if you were my own blood.”
“I love you, too,” I said. I was feeling something so warm inside sitting there beside her, I felt that maybe I could call it love.
I had asked Miss Louise not to tell Mama what I’d said that afternoon, and she didn’t tell until days later . . . after I had another attack. It happened the next Sunday when I went with June’s family for the service at Pisgah Methodist Church.Wallace showed up again, and this time he didn’t vanish, but pointed his finger at me and called me a liar in the same voice as the DA in my nightmares. After I fell over on June’s shoulder clutching my chest with my sweat dripping onto her lap, several ladies helped me back to the fellowship hall and brought tissues and water. This time I knew what to expect, and although I was still scared that something might be wrong with my heart, I recovered in less time and was able to eat a cookie before we left.
June’s mother told Mama she thought I ought to see a doctor, and Mama agreed even though I told her Miss Louise said a panic attack wasn’t an illness. Mama wanted to be sure she was right and made an appointment with Dr. Tunnekin, who was new in town and didn’t know our history. “He won’t know anything about us and can be objective,” Mama said. “And Louise said he was a resident at Johns Hopkins.That’s in New York or some big city like that. He’ll know a helluva lot more than these Zebulon hacks.”
I liked Dr. Tunnekin. He was from Istanbul and had a lilting accent that enchanted Mama. And although he was pretty old, in his forties, he was a handsome man with coppery skin and dark almond-shaped eyes. After hooking me up to a cardiogram machine with a ticker tape, he said my heart was perfect. I was the healthiest patient he’d seen since he’d arrived in Zebulon three months ago.And Mama could have saved a lot of money because his diagnosis was the same as Miss Louise’s. I was having panic attacks, nothing life threatening. “Athletes often experience these same sensations after intense activity, such as running a long race. Their heartbeats accelerate exactly like yours did. You wouldn’t worry about yourself if you reacted this way after participating in a strenuous sport, would you?” When I shook my head “no,” he smiled. He did have one concern though. “If you were an automobile driver, I would prohibit that activity until these attacks subside,” he said in his lovely cadence. “And if the attacks continue or become more prolonged, I would suggest seeing a specialist.”
“What kind of specialist?” I asked, bumping my feet against the exam table.
“A therapist. Someone who could ascertain the source of your anxiety.”
A head doctor. The last person I wanted to see was someone who wou
ld find out everything about me, discover all my secrets. “Can’t you just give me a pill or something?”
Dr. Tunnekin shook his head. “I’d prefer not to right now. All of these new drugs like Valium, I feel they only mask our patients’ problems.They don’t effect a cure for the source.”
Mama shook her head up and down in agreement. She had loads of experience in masking. When Dr. Tunnekin asked me to step outside while he talked to Mama in private, an alarm bell bonged in my head. I didn’t know what he was going to say, but I figured I wasn’t going to like it.
Mervin was waiting in the outer office and I sat with him while Mama and Dr.Tunnekin talked. “You okay, kiddo?” Mervin asked.
“Fit as a fiddle. He thinks I might be crazy though. He’s talking to Mama about it now.”
Mervin laughed. “Well, she’ll set him straight.” He pinched my arm. “You’re the sanest one in the bunch, and nobody knows that better than Frieda.”
But when Mama came out of the office, she looked so upset I thought she might be the next panic attack victim. “We need to talk, Layla Jay,” she said.
With my heart pounding, I followed them out to the Caddy and asked Mervin to put the top down even though I’d just curled my hair. The wind cooled my hot face and I laid my head back and stretched my arms out across the leather seat.We were headed for Gatlinburg, where I would sit on the chairlift that would take me to the very top of the mountain.
I waited all afternoon for Mama to call me for the big powwow, but she never did. When I asked to go over to June’s, I expected her to say no, but she said, “Take off, but be back by six.We’re going out to dinner tonight.”
When I told June about the doctor visit, she said she was glad there was nothing seriously wrong with me.“If anything terrible happened to you, I don’t know what I’d do,” she said. “Did he say why you’re having these attacks?”
“He doesn’t know why, but I do,” I said.
“And you don’t want to tell me the reason?”
“I can’t,” I whispered. “I can’t tell anyone, not even you.” I knew June was hurt that I wouldn’t confide in her, but I figured she was better off not knowing that her best friend was a liar who had stolen an entire box of her family’s stuff.
Mama, Mervin, and I went to The Little Caboose for dinner. The owner, Mr. Headley, had been a conductor on the Illinois Central, and when he retired, he bought a caboose that was being retired at the same time and fixed it up as a small restaurant. As I sat in the booth staring at our reflection in the window, I thought that we looked like a normal happy family, laughing and clinking glasses to toast our new life that would commence as soon as Mama’s trial was over. But every now and then, when Mama thought I wasn’t looking, I would catch a flash of sorrow crossing her face; then just as quickly, as if she were a magician, the vanished smile would reappear. I thought of Papaw bragging on her acting skills and knew that I was the audience for tonight’s performance. “Isn’t this the best fried chicken you ever ate?” She was nearly squealing with delight as she waved a drumstick over her plate. Mervin didn’t notice that for all her enthusiastic food waving, very little of it was headed to her mouth. But I did. Something was terribly wrong, and Mama had devised this little outing to keep me from finding out what it was.
Chapter 31
MAMA WAS GONE ALL MORNING THE NEXT DAY. SHE’D LEFT the house before I woke up, and since Mervin was back at home with his cement people now that Mama was safely off the booze and pills, I had the house to myself. I called Jehu who arrived within fifteen minutes with a bouquet of red carnations. “For me?” I said, as I took them from his outstretched hand.
He kissed me. “For you. I bought them yesterday while you were at your doctor’s appointment.”
I found a glass vase in the kitchen with only one chip on its rim and filled it with water. As I cut the stems on an angle with a knife like Grandma had taught me, Jehu stood behind me rubbing my back. “So what’s the occasion?” I asked.
“I thought you might be sick, and you’d be in bed and need flowers to cheer you up.”
“You cheer me up.” The vase was too large and some of the stems were bent, bowing the flowers over the side, but it was still a lovely arrangement.We hadn’t had any flowers in the house for a long time, and now I realized how much I had missed their beauty. “There,” I said. “Aren’t they gorgeous?”
“Not any prettier than you,” he said, kissing my neck.
I brought the vase into the den and set it on the coffee table north-west of Meridian. “Thanks. I can’t remember the last time anyone gave me flowers. It was probably the corsage you gave me before the dance.”
“Think of all the time we wasted,” Jehu said. “I could have been bringing you flowers for all those months.”
We sat on the couch and I snuggled against his chest. “A lot has changed this past year.”
Jehu slid his hand up and down my arm, tickling my skin. “So what did the doctor say was wrong with you?”
“Panic attacks. Over the trial and all I guess. It’s like a runner feels after a race. Nothing to worry about.” I wasn’t going to mention the shrink. Jehu might not want to go steady with somebody who turned out to be a nutcase.
“My dad said Judge Middleton is trying your mother’s case.”
“Is that good or bad?”
Jehu shrugged. “I don’t know. I think he’s an old fart though. I wish there was something I could do to help.We didn’t make it to church on Sunday, but I prayed for you and your mother.”
“Maybe God will listen to you more than He does to me,” I said. “Here lately, I don’t feel like He’s taking my calls, and something’s up with Mama. I don’t know what it is, but she’s hiding something from me. When she was on the phone last night and I passed by her, she stopped talking until I went down the hall to my room.”
“I think she was talking to my dad. I heard him say ‘Frieda’ a couple of times while he was on the phone.”
“Wonder what it’s about.” I sat up. “Do you think something has happened I don’t know about?”
“I doubt it. She’d tell you if it was important, wouldn’t she?”
“Maybe,” I said.
“What I have to say is very very important,” Jehu said. Cupping my chin in his palm, he lifted my face to his. “And it’s this. I’m sure now. I love you, Layla Jay.”
The next hour was pure bliss. Lying in his arms, feeling the length of his body against mine, every kiss and every touch was packed with the love we both felt. After he left, I lay on the couch feeling as languid as a cat taking a nap in the sun. I couldn’t imagine having a panic attack ever again.
I BELIEVE THAT IF BAD MEMORIES weaken us, good ones strengthen us for the terrible moments that are sure to come. I held on to that belief when I saw Mama’s ravaged face as she came into my bedroom late in the afternoon. I was sitting on the floor writing in the diary Miss Louise had given me. She told me that writing down my feelings would be a good way to release some of my fears. “Sometimes we can put on paper what we can’t say aloud,” she said with a wink. I had just written “Today Jehu told me he loved me. He brought me flowers, too. They are ...”
When I looked up at Mama and saw the misery written on her face, I dropped my pen. “What’s the matter?”
“We’ve got to talk” was all she said as she turned toward the door.
“Okay, let me finish this sentence,” I said. After scribbling the date on the bottom of the page, I told myself that no matter what she was going to say, Jehu’s love would get me through it. I felt strong, able to overcome any bad news Mama was going to tell me.
MAMA WAS WAITING FOR ME slumped in the armchair in the den. She noticed the flowers and I told her that Jehu had brought them, but I didn’t tell her he’d said he loved me. Our love was to be a secret between just him and me. I wasn’t even going to te
ll June right away.
I sat on the couch on the exact place where Jehu had sat. A hint of the English Leather cologne he wore lingered on the cushion and I took a deep breath. I tried for a cheerful tone.“So what’s up?” I asked Mama. “You don’t look so good.” Her French twist had come undone on one side and curly strands of hair fell over her left ear. She was pale and hadn’t reapplied lipstick so that only a red rim circled her bare lips. Her yellow linen dress, wrinkled and limp hanging off her chair, wore a look of defeat.
“I don’t care how I look,” she said, kicking off her shoes. After rubbing her feet, Mama straightened up in her chair and put her hands on her knees as she leaned toward me. “Layla Jay, honey, I’m very worried about you.”
“I’m ...”
Mama held up her palm. “I know.You’re fine. Today, right now, you are. But you haven’t been okay for a long time. I’ve heard you crying in your sleep, you’re having these panic attacks, and you’ve lost weight, too. I’ve been so wrapped up in preparing for the trial, getting myself straight with the drinking and the Valium and all, well, I knew I needed to talk to you about your feelings, but I just couldn’t handle it.” She crossed her legs and drew herself into a little tight ball.“Now I have to tell you about where I’ve been, who I’ve been talking to.”
I guess my mind was trying to protect me from what I knew was coming because all I heard for a few minutes was a little girl singing, “Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. Save it for a rainy day.” Rainy day rainy day rainy day chanted inside my head.
“Layla Jay! Are you all right?”
“Uh huh. Go on.”
“I called Louise yesterday while you were over at June’s house and she told me what you said that day when you had your panic attack at the bank.” I opened my mouth, but before I could say that Miss Louise wasn’t supposed to tell, Mama said,“I needed to know, Layla Jay. She did the right thing telling me. And I talked to Dr. Tunnekin about this; he thinks, considering that you’re already having these panic attacks, the trial could cause you to get a lot worse. So last night I called Mr. Albright and we met at his office this morning.”