by S. R. Grey
“It’s not yours, either,” Will says. “Still, isn’t that exactly what you’ve been trying to do?”—Will knows me far too well—“You’ve been trying to fill the void Dad left for years.”
I laugh. Not a happy laugh, just one of acceptance and resignation.
“Yeah,” I concede, “I guess you’re right. Maybe I was always trying to fill the void left by Dad. I guess I still am.”
“No maybes or guesses about it, dude.” Will nudges me, smiling.
“I don’t know if that will ever change,” I admit.
“Not with me, either,” Will states.
“Guess it’s not such a bad thing, eh?” I nudge Will. “This watching out for each other thing.”
Smiling, he replies, “Not a bad thing at all, big brother.”
In the hot Nevada desert, shaded by a stone angel that impacted me so much I had her likeness inked on my back, I come to the realization that Jack Gartner may be dead, yes, but he lives on in Will and me. And while we will always feel the loss of our dad, we have each other to pick up the slack.
Maybe what I’ve been searching for all this time has been here right in front of me all along.
In that moment, because of my brother, because of where we are today and how far we’ve come, I find true peace with my dad.
Kay
Home—Harmony Creek. It’s not home, though, without Chase.
He told me at the airport in Vegas that I am his home. Well, he is my home, too. That fact is never clearer than when everywhere I turn, and everywhere I go, I am faced with reminders of the man I love, the man I now call my husband.
At the farmhouse, Chase is there. He invades my every thought.
When I return home from work and stand on the porch, I hesitate before opening the door. I picture Chase behind the screen door, as he was one late June night when I needed him, when he was there for me. His blue eyes were filled with so much sadness for me that night…and so much anger for the man who assaulted me.
Inside the house, Chase’s presence is there, too.
I see him in the bathroom, standing in front of me as I sat perched on the counter. He’s holding ice to my cheek, and he is kissing me. Again, it’s the same fateful night I ended up at his door. As he fitted his body to mine, I wanted him–oh, how I had yearned.
But Chase made me wait.
And the waiting was so worth it.
Downstairs, there’s little reprieve from my onslaught of memories. Chase is in the kitchen, he’s in the living room. He’s in the dining room, sketching at the table.
But I miss his presence most in the room where we share a bed.
I smell Chase in the sheets; I feel his warmth. And when I roll to my back and peer up at the wall behind the bed, I am met with the Eiffel Tower oil pastel Chase drew for me. The sketch shines with my man’s heart and soul.
Late one night, waking from a fitful sleep, I feel empty and alone. I reach for Chase.
But he, of course, is not there.
I seek solace at Holy Trinity, both the church and the school, and I find some relief. On the first day of school, I am kept busy, so there’s no time to dwell on Chase. A fresh set of bright-eyed, eager first-graders require my attention and keep thoughts of my missing love at bay.
But when I’m not busy with the kids, I realize, Chase, like how it is at home, is all around the school. His work is everywhere—in the bright walls he painted this summer, in the newly replaced lighting, even in my own classroom I can’t get away from the onslaught of memories.
I stare at the bright red ceramic apple on my desk, remembering how Chase picked it up the day I took him on a tour of the school. He couldn’t quit fiddling with things—like the apple—that day. I found him to be very “hands-on,” and, consequently, I couldn’t wait for his hands to end up on me.
And they did. Oh, how they did.
Chase’s hands have left invisible marks; his skin is seared to mine. I’m branded by him, by his love, by his intensity.
At the end of the day, as I’m leaving the school, I am again reminded of Chase.
On the wall across from the front doors, the mural he and Will painted in July glows in full glory, bathed in the slant of the late-day sun.
Out in the parking lot, I’m still thinking of Chase. So much so that when someone calls my name, it takes me a minute to respond.
I’m almost at my car, and when I stop and turn around, I discover it is Missy Metzger who is trying to get my attention.
Taking a step in her direction as she hurries over to me, I wave. “Hey, Missy.”
She waves back. “Kay, wait up a sec. I want to talk to you.”
“Okay, sure.”
Before she reaches me, I note that Missy looks good. She appears to be fully recovered from the car accident and the subsequent miscarriage she suffered. When I left Harmony Creek a few weeks ago, Missy was in a bad depression. She didn’t want to see me or anyone, really. But today, dressed in a dark floral dress with her ashy-blonde hair flowing down her back in bouncy curls, she looks great.
I smile when she reaches me. “Hey, girl, how’ve you been?” I touch her arm.
“I’ve been good.” She places her hand on her chest to catch her breath. “Oh, my goodness, I’m so out of shape. Anyway, I didn’t want to miss you. It feels like forever since we talked.”
“It has been a while.” I agree.
“Too long,” she says.
There’s a moment where our eyes meet. We both seem to be pondering whether to bring up the accident, but the point becomes moot when Missy instead says, “So…how was Las Vegas?”
“It was good.” I lean against the side of my car, preparing to spend some time catching up. Truthfully, I’m happy to see Missy, and I’m relieved she’s all right.
Glancing around, brow creasing, Missy asks, “Hey, where is Chase? Is he not working today?”
“Uh, actually…” I clear my throat. “He’s not here. He decided to stay an extra week out west.”
Missy shoots me a look of concern. “Is everything okay, Kay?”
“Yes, yes, everything is fine.” I wave my hand in the air dismissively. “Will just wanted a little extra time with his brother, that’s all. And, well, I knew I’d be busy here with the first week of school.”
Missy nods and replies, “Oh, that’s good,” but I can tell that her hearing Will’s name is a reminder of his friend, Jared.
Jared was the one who ran into Missy’s car, with his parent-funded Jaguar. Sadly, Missy’s cheap little car was no match. Jared walked away unharmed, but Missy…well, she didn’t fare so well.
Quietly, I ask her how she’s been, like how she’s really been.
“I really am okay, Kay,” she insists. “I’ve accepted what happened if that’s what you’re wondering.”
“That’s good, I guess,” I quietly reply.
“It is,” she says. “But Kay, can I tell you something?”
“Yes, absolutely.”
“I haven’t had to go through all of this alone. Someone, someone you’d never expect, has been a great help.”
Curious, I raise a brow. “Oh? Who’s been helping you?’
Missy smiles surreptitiously. Whoever it is, he or she is making her happy.
“Believe it or not,” she says, at last, “Nick has come back into my life. He’s really been there for me, and it’s made a world of difference.”
Well, he was the father, I think.
“That’s great Nick has been there for you,” I say, truly happy for Missy. “He’s a good guy.”
“He really is,” Missy agrees. She presses her lips together, suppressing a genuine smile, but she can’t help herself. Beaming, she tells me, “Actually, Nick and I are kind of dating now.”
“Seriously?” She nods, and I add, “That’s wonderful, Missy.”
“I know it’s kind of a backward way to start things,” she says. “But I guess it is what it is.”
“Hey, there’s no right or wrong
way to begin a relationship. I met Chase when we literally ran into each other in this very parking lot.” I wave my hand around to where we’re standing. “When all is said and done, what matters is where you and Nick end up.”
“Thanks, Kay,” she softly responds. “I knew you’d understand.”
Yeah, Missy Metzger and I have come a long way. And I’m glad. So glad, in fact, that I long to share with her my happy news—the fact that Chase and I got hitched in Vegas. But our nuptials are still our secret. Chase and I have yet to tell a soul.
So, I decide to wait…for now. I also decide something else as we are standing in the church parking lot— I decide when the time is right, I will ask Missy to be my maid of honor when Chase and I do have our church wedding.
Missy and I talk for a few more minutes, about school, about church things. And then, when we run out of words, we say good-bye, and I then hop in my car and head home.
Back at the house, I can’t wait to hear from Chase. We’ve talked and texted a bunch the past few days, but I haven’t heard much from him today. That thankfully changes when my cell rings and his comforting voice is the first thing I hear when I answer.
There’s a smile in my voice as I reply, “Hey, Chase.”
“Hey, babe.”
I sigh, as does he, and then I tell him. “Damn, I am missing you so much. I swear there are reminders of you everywhere.”
He chuckles then says, “I miss you too, Kay. More than you can imagine.”
“It’s just so good to hear your voice,” I say.
And then we talk for a long while. But when it’s time to disconnect, I just can’t. The ache of missing him has actually begun to hurt.
“Only three more days apart,” I whisper, pained. “Do you think we can survive seventy-two more hours?”
“Fuck, I hope so,” Chase replies, sighing. “I swear this week apart has felt like a goddamn month.”
“For sure,” I agree, and in a low voice, I add, “You know what the hardest part has been, though?”
“What’s that, sweet girl?”
“Not touching you, Chase. And you, not being here to touch me.” I choke back a sob. “It’s killing me, I swear.”
“Baby, baby,” he says, trying to soothe me. “I promise I’ll touch you so much when I return home that you’ll grow sick of me. You’ll be pushing me away.”
“Never,” I declare. “I could never push you away, Chase.”
He laughs. “Wonder if you’ll be saying those words twenty years from now.”
“Are you kidding?” I scoff. “Trust me, I will.”
And then, after a long beat, Chase says, “Kay, I love you so much, baby.”
“I love you, too.”
“I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without you,” he whispers. “Helping Will and being strong for him. I know I’ve stumbled and faltered, but I feel stronger now than I ever have before. Just knowing we’re in this together, forever. Marrying you was the best decision, ever.”
“Chase…” My heart skips a beat. “Be safe, come back to me soon.”
“Three days,” he says.
“Three days,” I echo.
“We’ll make it.”
“We sure will.”
Chase
Friday finally arrives and it’s time to go home. I’m both relieved and excited to head back to Ohio. Mostly, I can’t wait to see Kay, but unfortunately, it is only morning, and my flight doesn’t leave until three in the afternoon.
More waiting, fuck.
Will looks more than a little sulky that I’m leaving Las Vegas. There’s some time before I need to head to the airport, so I suggest we grab an early lunch.
That brightens little bro considerably, and he excitedly informs me that he knows of a great little Mexican restaurant in a strip mall not far from the house.
“It’s so good, Chase. You’ll love it,” he enthusiastically states.
He’s already heading to the door as I’m grabbing the car keys, and saying, “Cool. Let’s go.”
Fifteen minutes later, we are at the restaurant in the strip mall. Will was right, too—the food is pretty damn good.
Over a mound of chips and a bowl of fiery salsa, just how Will and I like it, my brother suddenly blurts out a from-the-heart sounding, “Thank you, Chase. Thank you for everything.”
Whoa, serious-talk from Will.
I choose my words carefully for my response as I dip a chip into the hottest salsa I’ve ever tasted. Before raising my gloppy mess to my mouth, I say, “What exactly do you mean by ‘everything’?”
I want Will to elaborate; it’s good for him.
“For staying,” he says. “And for being here for me like you’ve been all week. Before then, even. But the past few days have been especially great, like old times.”
I know it’s hard for my brother to open up like this, but he’s doing a commendable job.
Smiling, I tell him, “I’ll always be here for you, Will, no matter what.”
It’s true. I won’t ever be my father—I won’t leave Will.
His green eyes, eyes that have been nothing but clear lately as he, too, finds the peace to move on, meet mine. “I know that, Chase,” he says. “I trust you.”
Those three words, spoken by my baby bro, mean the world to me.
“We’ve come a long way, haven’t we, kid?”
Will knows what I mean. I’m referring to our rift and the bumps we encountered while reuniting and rebuilding this fractured relationship.
“Yeah,” Will says, smiling, “we sure have come a long way.”
After a minute of reflection, on both our parts, I carefully inquire, “Therapy going okay?”
“Yeah, Chase.” Will nods once. “It’s going real good.”
Since Will is being so talkative, I continue with another question. “How are you holding up with Cassie out of your life?”
Will winces, and I’m concerned I’ve pushed too far. “Sorry,” I mumble.
Will shakes his head, and insists, “No, it’s okay to ask.”
I shrug, as he sighs and rakes a hand through his hair.
“I still miss her, Chase,” he says. “But breaking up was the right thing to do…for both of us.”
I can’t disagree, but I don’t want to make a production, so I stick with an affirming nod.
I’m glad there’s such an easy camaraderie nowadays when Will and I talk like this. It really does feel like old times. Truthfully, I haven’t felt this close to my brother in years. And that makes me want to share something with him, something that is as important to me as all the things he’s been sharing are to him.
I clear my throat, and Will looks up. “Everything okay?” he asks.
“Everything is great,” I assure him. “It’s just…” I search for the right words. “I want to tell you something, Will, but you can’t tell Mom. Not yet, anyway.”
“Oh, a secret, that’s cool.” Will laughs, and then he says, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Mom a thing.”
My eyes meet his, and I just lay it out there. “Kay and I are married.”
There’s a salsa-laden chip halfway to Will’s mouth, and it drops to the table, making a mess.
“Shit…” Will starts to wipe away the spilled salsa with a napkin. “No way, dude. When did this happen? And where did this happen? Damn, bro, how do I not know this?”
“One question at a time,” I say, laughing. “We got married here in Vegas, like, a couple of weeks ago. We just went to one of the chapels and that was that.”
“Wow.” Will levels me with a grim expression. “You do realize Mom is going to flip when she finds out.”
“Ha,” I laugh. “I know she’ll be pissed as hell. She’s bound to give me shit for years over this stunt.”
“No doubt,” Will agrees, and then he adds, “I don’t envy you, Chase.”
“She’ll get over it,” I say. “And having done things the way Kay and I did is still worth her wrath.”
It�
�s true. No amount of grief my mother can give me will ever make me regret the decision to run off and marry the love of my life. You never know what might happen day to day. You can’t wait around for everything to be just right.
Will leans back in the booth and blows out a breath. “So, how did all this happen, like, specifically?”
I grab a chip and dip it in the hot salsa. “We just decided to do it one night. We snuck off, drove down to one of those fancy casinos with the nice chapels, and got it done.”
“Hey,” Will says. “I think this is pretty damn cool. If any two people in this world should be married, it’s you and Kay.”
I can see he’s genuinely happy for me, and I reply with a heartfelt, “Thanks, Will.”
He digs back into the chips I’ve been devouring, and after a minute of crunching, says, “Hell, you gotta get back to Ohio now. You’re a newlywed, dude. That’s some awesome shit.”
“Yeah,” I agree, laughing. “It sure is.”
Will continues, “Hell, Chase, I’m sure there are things you could be doing in Harmony Creek with Kay right now that are far more fun than hanging out with me.” Will waggles his eyebrows, like I don’t know what he means, and I shake my head and laugh.
Our entrees arrive, and we dig in like we haven’t eaten in days, putting an end to our convo for the time being.
When we’re almost finished with our meals, Will says slowly, “So, I was thinking…”
He trails off, and I prompt, “Yeah? What were you thinking?”
“Well…” He takes a deep breath. “I was wondering if it’d be okay if I fly out to Ohio to visit over Christmas break.”
“Shit.” I look over at my brother and smile. “I think that sounds like a great idea.”
In the past, we’ve talked about Will visiting this coming winter. But for him to bring it up on his own means he really wants to do it.
We’ve finally reached a good place, a very good place.
The waitress arrives to clear the table then takes off after a minute, leaving the check. I pull out some money to pay.
“That was a good lunch,” I say as I toss some bills on the table.