Focus on Me

by Megan Erickson

  So I continued. “I figured that if I could build a zoo with LEGO pieces, I could rebuild this tree house. Except . . . damn, it was complicated. I had these loose boards lying in the yard, but I couldn’t figure out how they fit back in, so I ripped up some of the floorboards to take the place of the walls. It was like this puzzle. It would make sense one minute and then the next, it would be damn near impossible.” I sighed. “By the time my parents got home from work, I was sitting in the middle of the backyard surrounded by boards and nails and I was just banging away with the hammer. I had about fifty nails in one board for no reason whatsoever. There was about half of the floor of the tree house left in the tree and that was it. I was bleeding from a cut in my knee and I was dirty and had bruises all over me. But I was yelling and hollering. I told them I could fix it. I just needed more time. I told them to leave me alone.” I rubbed the back of my hand, where I still had a scar from a nail. “But they dragged me away from that destroyed tree house kicking and screaming. I had to get a tetanus shot and stitches for a cut on my hand and shin.”

  I stopped talking, and continued to rub that scar on my hand. My head hurt and I wasn’t even sure where I was going with this. “Shit, this was a stupid fucking story, wasn’t it?”

  Movement caught my eye. Riley’s head was up now. He was looking back at me, expressionless, but he was at least looking at me. His prominent brow threw his eyes in shadow so I couldn’t see them. His hair blew in the breeze—his dyed hair. And I wanted to see it natural. I wanted so much more time with Riley. We had so many more things to do with each other, didn’t we? I ignored my pounding head and focused on my brain whirring back to life. “Okay, so it is a stupid story, but my point was . . . I could have just asked for help. I could have . . . I don’t know . . . not tried to take it all on myself. And I remember when I was in it, I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t tear myself away, and I just kept dwelling and hacking and trying to fix this problem, convinced I had to succeed now that I’d started it, and . . . I ended up doing nothing but making it worse and hurting myself in the process.” I squinted at him. “Am I making any sense?” I shuffled closer to Riley, so I could reach out and grab him if I needed to.

  Riley turned his head so that he stared out at the ocean through the railing on the pier. His lips moved, but I didn’t hear anything. I moved closer. “What?”

  He licked his lips and looked down at his bent knees where he clutched them to his chest. “What if I can’t be helped?”

  I took a deep breath. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I don’t know what it’s like to be depressed, and I know there isn’t a cure-all. But you owe it to yourself to try.”

  I glanced around, but the pier wasn’t busy at the end. I knelt down in front of Riley, close enough to see the tear tracks on his cheeks.

  “I feel like I failed you,” I whispered. “I missed all the signs and I didn’t realize how bad you were feeling. And I’m sorry for that. I’m so sorry, Riley. You picked the wrong guy to hitch a ride with. Because I have pretty bad track record at succeeding at anything.”

  I wasn’t sure what I wanted him to say. And I didn’t know why I had told him that. Maybe I had to ease my own conscious somewhat. Maybe I felt like I had to explain what part I played in the reason we were sitting on this pier.

  The corners of his eyes twitched, like a flinch. He stared at the ocean as he talked. “I’ve felt this way for a long time. And when I started this trip, it was to see if there was anything out there that could make me feel. Whether it was happy or sad or whatever. It didn’t fucking matter as long as it made me feel.” He turned to me now, finally looking me in the eyes. “Does that make sense?”

  “Sure.” My voice was rough.

  “I was tired of this continually ticking metronome in my head counting down the minutes, days, years of single tones and dull edges. I wanted something sharp and piercing. I didn’t give a fuck what it was, as long as it made me react.”

  I wanted to look away, but I held his gaze. He was baring his soul to me. The least I could do was look him in the eye.

  “And I think part of me wanted to fail. I wanted this whole trip to be a waste, to confirm that I was beyond hope so then I could end it all with certainty.” He sliced his hand through the air, a vicious strike that made me cringe.

  “The Grand Canyon, the sweat lodge, everything was pointless and I was starting to feel vindicated. That I could reach the ocean and never come back.” He swallowed, and his lips began to tremble. “Until you.”

  Until you. Hope flared in my chest. Big and bright. Not because I had anything to do with him second-guessing his decision, but that he was second-guessing at all. I didn’t care how he arrived at the decision. Although my damn heart beat a little bit faster anyway. I shuffled closer, until my chest met his knees and my hands were on either side of his feet. “What are you saying, Ri?”

  “I was going to come out here and jump off the pier and drown myself,” he said matter-of-factly. “I was going to do it.”

  Each word was a punch, but I swallowed despite the pain. “I gathered that from your note.”

  Tears spilled over his bottom lashes. “But I got here and all I could think about was you. That I’d never taste your parents’ barbecue. That I’d never swim in the ocean with you. That I’d never see all your mom’s pigs.” His shoulders hitched. “I had this whole thing planned and you fucking ruined it, you know?” His voice rose. “You fucking ruined it because how can I kill myself when all of a sudden I want a future?” His eyes blazed and he shoved my chest. Hard. “I hate you!” He slammed his fist down on my shoulder, and I grunted through the pain. He raised his other hand to hit me as sobs wracked his body, and I decided I was done keeping my distance. I grabbed him around the shoulders and pressed his face into my neck as he hollered and screamed and cried in my arms. I rocked and ran my palm over his hair and down his back.

  I wasn’t sure how long we sat there, huddled in the corner of the pier while Riley came apart in my arms. All I knew was that Riley was feeling. He was feeling so much that I wasn’t sure how he could bear it. I wanted to take it all away from him, but that wasn’t the point, was it? He needed to feel.

  Eventually he fell quiet, but I kept a firm grip on him. “Baby?”

  He didn’t answer, but his fingers flexed where they clutched me.

  “I want that too,” I whispered. “I want to swim in the ocean with you. And I want to show you my mom’s pigs, and I want to sit at Patty’s with you and watch you try every damn thing on the menu. But you gotta get better first. Please tell me you’ll get help.”

  A shudder ran through his body. “I can’t stand thinking about people bothering me or giving me drugs or—”

  “We all need help sometimes.” I remembered his parents told me he was resistant to any sort of treatment. “You can’t do this yourself.”

  “I feel like I’m admitting defeat or like I failed—”

  I hugged him closer. “You didn’t fail. And this isn’t defeat. This is fighting. This is fighting for you. For your health. And if it gets you to seek help, then it means fighting for me. For us.”

  He hesitated, and I could feel his acceptance within grasp. “Wh-what will you do?”

  I closed my eyes and rested my cheek on his hair. “I’ll be there for you. I promise. I didn’t fucking ruin your whole summer to just walk away, okay?”

  He made a sound in my arms. I didn’t know if it was a laugh or a sob.

  “But Riley, you gotta do this for you. Not for me, okay?” I pulled back so I could look him in the eye. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  His face was red and mottled, covered in tears and snot. But the wobbly smile he gave me was still the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen. “Honestly, I’m not there yet. But . . . I think I can get there.”

  I nodded. “All right, well, that’s a start.”

  He blinked and another tear fell. “It’s a start.”

  Chapter Eighteen<
br />
  When Riley saw Landry standing at the start of the pier with Justin, he froze. “Wait, that—”

  “Yup.”

  “But how . . .”

  I bumped my shoulder into Riley’s. “You think I’m the only one who gives a shit about you?”

  Landry took off at a run when he saw us, sprinting fast, and Justin jogged behind him. Landry launched himself at Riley, wrapping him up in his arms. They were about the same height, and even though Landry was slender, Riley was downright skinny. It made my heart hurt.

  Riley had said he’d go. He’d said he’d accept help and treatment, but I was still antsy, my stomach still rolling. And I thought it’d be that way until I saw him enter a facility. I didn’t think past that yet. I couldn’t do that.

  Landry was whispering in Riley’s ear, smoothing his hand over his hair. Riley’s shoulders were shaking and I exhaled roughly and looked away. My gaze met Justin’s. He walked forward slowly and held his hand out. “I guess we should maybe start over with introductions since the previous ones were done at a hectic time.”

  I rubbed the back of my neck on a wince and extended my hand. “Yeah, I, uh . . . I’m sorry for losing my temper.”

  Justin shook my hand and then shoved his into the pockets of his cargo shorts. “I get it, man. No worries. Lan and I . . . well, we didn’t go through anything like this, but we had our own troubles and I’m not always proud of how I reacted.” He scuffed the toe of his sneaker on the wooden slats of the pier. “And I don’t fault you for losing it a little. I would have done the same if it were Landry out on the pier.”

  “I appreciate that.” I glanced over at Landry, who now sat on a bench with Riley, their heads bent, Landry’s blond curls mixing with Riley’s brown strands. “So, how do they know each other?”

  Justin huffed out a laugh. “They are . . . I guess pen pals, so to speak. It’s a long story but Landry reached out to Riley because he saw his modeling pictures and they’ve been friends ever since, although only through e-mail. Riley’s been e-mailing Landry this whole summer.” Justin squinted his eyes beneath his baseball cap. “You didn’t know that, I’m assuming?”

  I shook my head. “Riley, uh, didn’t talk about friends. Or family.” I took a step closer. “Did Landry get ahold of Riley’s parents?”

  Justin nodded. “They want you to call them. And they want to speak to Riley.”

  I ran a hand through my hair. “Shit. Yeah, okay.”

  Justin slapped me gently on the shoulder. “You did the right thing. They seem like good people. Not everyone has supportive parents, and Riley seems like he does, even if he doesn’t quite realize it.”

  “How’d you find us, by the way?”

  “Man, that’s all Lan. He was like a detective with those damn e-mails. I don’t know how this all worked out, but it did. Thank God you were at that burger place when we were, huh?”

  I looked over and met Riley’s gaze. He gave me a dazed smile. “Yeah,” I said. “Thank God.”

  ***

  Riley wanted to see the ocean again before we left, so the four of us walked to the water. Riley took off his flip-flops and sank his toes into the wet sand. I stood beside but slightly behind him, wanting to keep him in my sight. More for my sake than his. I was still shaken up and queasy and overall needing him to be okay.

  Justin and Landry stood beside me, talking quietly. I turned to Landry. “Thank you for everything. And I’m sorry I got in your face.”

  Landry waved me away with a smile. “Riley said you were a nice guy. I knew you were just stressed. Don’t worry about it.”

  “He said I was nice, huh?”

  Landry smiled. His eyes shifted to where Riley stood watching the waves and then back to me. “Look, I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’d like to check in on him again. When he’s better, will you call us?”

  “Of course. That’ll give him something to look forward to.” I turned to watch Riley as the salty air blew through his hair. He stood with his arms wrapped around himself. A lump formed in my throat because I knew what I had to do next, and I wasn’t so sure Riley was going to appreciate it.

  But his parents were the only people who could help him now. They knew about treatments and they had the funds. I was a boyfriend with credit card debt.

  I’d told Riley I’d be there for him, and I would be. But I couldn’t imagine once he had his head on straight and eyes clear that he’d still want me. He’d probably start modeling again. He’d find another hot model boyfriend or photographer or director. He’d do something Hollywood-ish. Something far, far away from Patty’s BBQ in North Carolina.

  I fisted my shirt over my heart and took a shaky breath. I’d deal. I wasn’t sure I’d move on, but I’d deal with it.

  Because this, keeping Riley alive, getting him help—well, this was the one thing I knew I couldn’t fail. I’d gotten this far, and dammit, I’d see him to the very end.

  Even if he hated me for it. Even if he never wanted to see me again.

  I’d be in the checkout lane at the grocery store and I’d page through a magazine and see him there. And I’d think, There’s the first guy I ever loved.

  And I’d be proud of him, even though I was sure my heart would be breaking all over again.

  ***

  We were about a half hour away from SkyHope Center in Virginia, which was a residential treatment center for variety of mental illnesses and disorders, including anorexia and depression.

  Riley had been slipping in and out of sleep since we said good-bye to Landry and Justin and left North Carolina. I’d called his parents at a rest stop, talking quietly on the sidewalk while Riley slept slumped in the car. They’d told me to meet them at SkyHope. It was the treatment center they’d been trying to get Riley to enter for years.

  But the closer we drew to it now, the more my stomach knotted. My jaw ached from clenching it and my muscles were sore from the tension. I’d told him I knew a place he could go, and he’d trusted me to get him there.

  He didn’t know where it was and he didn’t know his parents would be meeting us there. I should have told him hours ago, but I was worried he’d refuse to go. I wasn’t above taping him to the seat, but I didn’t think that would go over well if a cop saw us.

  So I hadn’t told him. I felt like a liar and a betrayer, but if he needed to hate me, at least he was at the treatment center. I needed to get him through the doors and sign on the dotted line to be admitted.

  That was my focus right now.

  Riley was leaned against the passenger’s-side door, his head on the window. His hair was a mess. He liked to style it, but now it was greasy and sticking up all over his head. He had large circles under his eyes, and even though he was sleeping, he looked exhausted. His hand was resting on his thigh and I reached over, threading my fingers through his. I wondered if this would be one of the last times I touched him. I wished now that had I kissed him back on that beach. Just one last taste amid the seagulls and ocean air. One last memory.

  The sky was losing the last bit of daylight as I spotted the sign for SkyHope Center. It was soothing, in greens and blues with some sort of seashell symbol. I pulled into the wide driveway and drove slowly toward the main building.

  In the dark, SkyHope was lit by spotlights installed on the front lawn, so it appeared to be a rather imposing building. The building was made of white stone and was five stories tall. Ivy climbed up the stones, and what I could see of the grounds was carefully landscaped. There was a covered drop-off area at the front door. I slowed carefully so I didn’t wake Riley and parked on the long drive in front of the building but before the covered overhang. Dallas raised his head from the backseat and looked around.

  Light spilled out onto the front walk through the glass doors of SkyHope, and several people milled around in nursing uniforms. I ground my molars, wishing I could stay with Riley. The idea of dropping him off with strangers made me break out in a cold sweat.

  In the dim lighting of
the parking lot off to our left, I saw two figures walk toward Butch. I gripped the steering wheel, wanting to scream. As they drew closer, I saw it was a man and woman and knew by the way the man carried himself that these were Riley’s parents.

  I stepped out of my Jeep and carefully shut the door behind me. Riley didn’t stir.

  His mom’s eyes were glued to him, her hand over her mouth. Her eyes glittered wetly in the fluorescent lights of SkyHope.

  I held out my hand, finally noticing that I could probably use a shower. “I’m Colin.”

  He shook my hand and nodded firmly. “I’m Glen.” He wrapped an arm around his wife, who hadn’t taken her eyes off of Riley. “This is Beth. We’re Riley’s parents.”

  “Nice to meet you.” My voice sounded funny. I rubbed my damp palms on my jeans. I probably looked liked a train wreck and smelled like unwashed dog. I imagined his parents were horrified at how far Riley had fallen to hitchhike with a guy like me.

  I gestured toward Butch. “He, uh, he’s been sleeping pretty much the whole drive.”

  “D-did he . . . really . . .” Beth’s voice trailed off.

  “He thought about it and planned it, but he couldn’t go through with it.” I stared at his slack face through the windshield. “But he knows he can’t go on like this.” I lifted my gaze to the imposing stone building. I saw a curtain move in one of the rooms on the second floor. “Is there no other option? He has to stay here?” I chewed the inside of my cheek and turned to his parents. Glen was watching me closely, and it felt like an eternity before he nodded.